Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 11 1 2 3 4 10 11
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
Dr says not to bring something up if it isn't going to help
Define "help." Help what? Help her be nice to you?


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 124
4
4mendmj Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
4
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 124
So starsky....you're saying file? I know it is my choice or life...but I am asking pros for a reason.


Me:39 W:33
Married 6/07
D6
Found out about affair 9/14
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 124
4
4mendmj Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
4
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 124
Train...I was applying it to the cheeseless tunnel thought. Old me would bring it up and that would lead to a fight....do the 180 I thought of was to pretend it didn't bug me. Dr says to ignore the op for example...


Me:39 W:33
Married 6/07
D6
Found out about affair 9/14
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Originally Posted By: 4mendmj
So starsky....you're saying file? I know it is my choice or life...but I am asking pros for a reason.


No, I'm not saying that. Where did I say that?

It's not the use of force that governs the world. It's the credible threat of force that does. If your wife doesn't credibly fear that it's at least an OPTION for you, she will almost certainly not change the path she is on.

Let me put it this way: does she know that something (say, not being willing to live in an open marriage) is a non-negotiable core boundary for you? Do YOU even know what your non-negotiable core boundaries are?

Look, I'm not trying to bust your balls here . . . you are actually a lot like me. I too am a classic fixer/pleaser/"Mr. Nice Guy" type, believe it or not. But until you go thru something like this and really dig deep, and figure out "What ARE my core boundaries? What is my authentic true self? What things am I simply not willing to abide in my life?" . . . it's tough stuff.

No one would ever, say, continue to live with someone who cuts them with razor blades every day. But yet many continue to put up with unrepentant infidelity, or maybe even lesser forms of physical or emotional abuse than my ridiculous "razor blades" example. In other words, WE ALL DRAW OUR NON-NEGOTIABLE BOUNDARY LINES *SOMEWHERE*.

Take this time to figure out where you draw yours . . . and then learn to communicate them -- and more importantly, enforce them -- with your wayward wife.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Originally Posted By: 4mendmj
Train...I was applying it to the cheeseless tunnel thought. Old me would bring it up and that would lead to a fight....do the 180 I thought of was to pretend it didn't bug me. Dr says to ignore the op for example...


Any counselor who was trying to coach me and my wife through infidelity, and who told me "just ignore the other person in your marriage," would find themselves not my counselor anymore.

Are you sure they weren't saying "Don't keep bringing it up" instead? Because I would AGREE not to constantly TALK about it . . . rather, let your ACTIONS demonstrate to your wife what your stance is towards a 3rd person in your marriage. But IGNORE it?? Ehhh . . . no.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
I suspect that a TRUE "180" for you would be to NOT "fight" about something . . . not object to something with a bunch of WORDS . . . but rather, to show quiet strength and DO something totally out of character for you about it.

I think your wife has learned to ignore your rants, fights and idle threats.

Am I wrong? confused


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 124
4
4mendmj Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
4
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 124
Starsky...I am not putting words in your mouth good sir. I was just asking your advice and I appreciate your advice as well. In December when I told both sets of parents and then told her that night I wanted a divorce...my words were "the 2nd to the last thing in life I want is a divorce, but the thing I want less than that is to continue living in a marriage where there is another person." My problem today is... I still believe that. It is a core value as you put it. I refuse to live in a marriage where myself and my child are not a priority. My point or question then was and still is, what can I do/say (but I get that do is far more important) that changes that? You reference it as a credible threat. I am literally asking you to help me with the words...

Tonight when I get home I want to say " W, I do not think your actions of leaving our home in the morning to spend time with OW are healthy for our marriage or our child. I do not appreciate the amount of time you have been gone in the last week/month/year from our marriage and our child and....." and then I am lost. If I say "therefore I am letting you know that if you continue with the OP" I am giving an ultimatum and will be told I am controlling. If I say " therefore I am letting you know I am filing for divorce tomorrow on my day off" it seems very final (which I accept if that is what is necessary but it is not what I truly want, I want to save the marriage) I read the action based requests in DR or solution based thought process and I get what it is talking about but my new-to-this brain does simply not grasp what is the right thing to do. I want to approach her and let her know I do not appreciate her actions but I am missing the link between what I want and what is the right action to take.


Me:39 W:33
Married 6/07
D6
Found out about affair 9/14
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 124
4
4mendmj Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
4
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 124
"I think your wife has learned to ignore your rants, fights and idle threats.

Am I wrong? "

No, you sir are not wrong. How do I change them from idle to real?


Me:39 W:33
Married 6/07
D6
Found out about affair 9/14
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Originally Posted By: 4mendmj
"I think your wife has learned to ignore your rants, fights and idle threats.

Am I wrong? "

No, you sir are not wrong. How do I change them from idle to real?


With less talk, and more action.

What, if any, have been the consequences for her continued infidelity since you confronted her in Nov and Dec?


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Originally Posted By: 4mendmj


Tonight when I get home I want to say " W, I do not think your actions of leaving our home in the morning to spend time with OW are healthy for our marriage or our child. I do not appreciate the amount of time you have been gone in the last week/month/year from our marriage and our child and....." and then I am lost. If I say "therefore I am letting you know that if you continue with the OP" I am giving an ultimatum and will be told I am controlling. If I say " therefore I am letting you know I am filing for divorce tomorrow on my day off" it seems very final (which I accept if that is what is necessary but it is not what I truly want, I want to save the marriage) I read the action based requests in DR or solution based thought process and I get what it is talking about but my new-to-this brain does simply not grasp what is the right thing to do. I want to approach her and let her know I do not appreciate her actions but I am missing the link between what I want and what is the right action to take.


How about if you said "Look, regardless of where our marriage stands right now, I think we both want the same for (daughter's first name). This isn't her fault, and we both need to be here for her. Marriage counseling is a waste of time for us at this point; why don't we invest that time and money into a good family counselor who can give us some tools to help (daughter's first name) and us navigate through this?"

If she refuses, then I would go ahead and set up your own individual meeting with a FT and talk about your situation, and then look to bring your daughter to the subsequent meeting, and request that your wife join you. When she sees you taking ACTIONS, with or without her approval, then she will begin to take you seriously.

When my wife was having her affair, she came home very late one night (about 11:45, as I remember it) from being with a group of people that included her OM, after telling me she'd be home by 10:00 as I recall. I told her that night when she came home "the next time you're going to be late, I'd appreciate you letting me know so me and the kids don't worry about you." She promised she would. Well a couple of weeks later, she again went out, said she "wouldn't be late," and came home at 1:15am.

She came home to a completely dark house, inside and out, and the security system armed (she disarmed it as she came in and set the sirens off). I told her the next morning "Our family home isn't a hotel; the next time you come home after midnight don't bother coming home at all -- it's very disrespectful to me, our marriage and our children."

She got the message, and never did it again.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Page 2 of 11 1 2 3 4 10 11

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard