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#2535940 02/09/15 03:45 PM
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4mendmj Offline OP
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The first thread in the newcomers area was...

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...581#Post2535581

I am moving over here as I have more specific questions in regards to affairs and this group seems to have more experience unfortunately in that department.

I got my hands on DR Sunday morning and have over 100 pages in my brain in the last 24 hours.

Big question....on page 216ish (infidelity chapter) and in that area it takes two different stances. It asks me to ask myself what is it about the OP that makes your spouse feel so good and then do it better yourself. But then on the next page it says it is time to detach and GAL, pull away, 180 etc.. Not trying to be stupid but I don't know which way to go. Advise? I have been trying to be less available but the only way I could beat out the OW is to be a rockstar of support and fun. There is zero responsibility with my W and the OW. My W leaves our D with me 5-7 days a week whether it be during days off work or evenings/at night and they go and run and have fun and eat out etc. I met with a lawyer and my lawyer tells me I have an 80-90% chance of sole custody of our D if we divorce due to child abandonment. I know my W loves our daughter but this group understands how fog/blind the cheater becomes in a PA and my W doesn't even see it how bad it has become.


W was not helpful in our home at all for the last 5+ years, no cleaning, little help with D, spent way too much money on clothing and out to eat and I eventually started nagging and belittling and the OW is a rockstar at building my W up. My W is now the 3rd OW where the person was married and potentially depressed and not doing great in their marriages and I have always thought the OW is a predator trying to find a weak person to prey on. But how can I build up my W if I am supposed to detach and 180 and GAL etc?

I did a great job of having a blast with D this weekend. W still lives in the home but never did investigate much of what we were doing this weekend. That's ok, we had fun no matter what! W has been sleeping in another room for the last 3 weeks and apparently took a nap on our bed Sunday instead of on her own but I did not go running in there to comfort or cuddle as I didn't want to look desparate. I have known about the PA since 9/14 but I certainly failed at getting them apart with the nagging and trying to force them apart but since the PA is still going on (it was an EA for the first 9 months) I don't know how hard of a stance to take now that I have backed off and quit talking about the OW and started just living a good life again.


Me:39 W:33
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Found out about affair 9/14
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Originally Posted By: 4mendmj
I have known about the PA since 9/14 but I certainly failed at getting them apart with the nagging and trying to force them apart but since the PA is still going on (it was an EA for the first 9 months) I don't know how hard of a stance to take now that I have backed off and quit talking about the OW and started just living a good life again.


Did you ever just flat-out tell her "I won't live in an open marriage?" What actions (not words) have you taken since 9/14 to demonstrate to her that you wouldn't?


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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4mendmj Offline OP
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Thanks Starsky! When I found out 9/14 by reading her phone, I confonter her about it and I told her she needed to chose and she chose our marriage and said she left the OW. Unfortunately a few days later my W had an accident and learned she would require major surgery for an unknown pre-existing condition. As soon as the accident happened, my W went back to the OW. Surgery was in 11/14 and I W continued to lie stating she had left OW but actions stated otherwise. I finally snooped again in Dec. and learned it was still going on and told both sets of parents and then informed W that I did not want a divorce but that more than that, I no longer wanted to be lied to and told her I knew she was still having a PA. She said enough to "convince" me she was still considering the marriage that I backed off. FIL came out a few weeks later and confronter W about PA and at that time, wife asked for time to heal from surgery and get healthy and be able to make a decision on her own instead of being forced into one. I accepted and backed off and since then (for the last 5 weeks) have been watching W go out 5-7 days a week with OW but have not started DBing from the advice I read here before finally getting the book in the mail.

No diss on the book at all, but there seems to be perhaps even more info here then there is within the book although I will continue to read and use both tools to help me.

I have finally started feeling better about myself thanks to the thought process around DBing and GAL but I am very confused on whether I just keep doing the things I am doing and "wait" in hopes my W ends the affair and returns to the marriage or if I push the issue. I have everything paperwork wise ready to file for divorce but I have not done so. W knows I have met with a lawyer but I don't think she knows how far I have gone in that process other than she assumes I have not yet filed. To be clear...I do not want to get divorced. The person my wife was before the affair had many incredible qualities and with marriage counseling and continuing to DB and build her up if she would leave the OW, I believe we could have the best relationship we have ever had within our M. But... I don't know at this stage what the right path is and I absolutely hate that I am living in a marriage where my W spends 90% of her free time with the OW and not my W's own child or me.

W has abandoned all of her "old" friends that do not or would not support the PA all to spend that time with the OW.


Me:39 W:33
Married 6/07
D6
Found out about affair 9/14
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 124
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4mendmj Offline OP
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I don't think I did a good job Starsky of answering what actions I have done. For a long time I did all the things I am not supposed to do like intervention, telling both sets of parents etc. and I have made it quite clear I have zero desire to live in an open marriage. But actions? I certainly don't support the PA affair but I have not tried to lock her out of the house or kicked her out of our home or anything and I don't know what other actions to take to get this ball rolling???


Me:39 W:33
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Right now, she's having her cake and eating it too. There are no consequences to her actions with OW. Does she have a job or are you the sole provider? If she doesn't have a job, now would be a good time to talk to her about getting one for a potential separation as you are not comfortable with living in an open marriage and funding her affair in any way. As for the detach, 180, GAL, bit after the suggestion you start doing things the OP does better, I believe that is to make YOU feel better and build your confidence no matter how things go with your wife. Set up some boundaries, if you don't she will never make a decision one way or the other. She is probably seeing herself as "in control" because she knows you aren't going anywhere whether or not she ends her affair. This doesn't motivate her to action. And chances are good the OW doesn't want something more than what she already has with your wife if this isn't her first time being involved with a married woman. People like that will say whatever they feel they need to in order to get what they want from someone, the moment it seems like it may get "more serious" they vanish.


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I actually think you've done quite well. I think what was missing was a good TRANSPARENCY plan, that was mutually-agreed to, and so she just stonewalled you and lied to you to keep you on the hook until she figured out what she wanted to do.

Thanks for the add'l info; you're in a tough spot. I'll try to comment more later . . .

Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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4mendmj Offline OP
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NickiT...wise words. That is the exact pattern of the ow...problem is w believes every word she hears from ow and I haven't been able to break the cycle. Last night/this morning were as hard is it has been in recent time. Last night was parent teacher conferences. W wore her ring to work yesterday as it was her first day back to work but took it off again last evening to be with ow before we went to conferences. Hard to see it came off sooooo easily. W left straight from conferences to be with ow while d and I went home to get her ready for bed. W did not get home till after 11pm. Weirder yet. W woke up early again for work this morning. 30 minutes early. Said she was going to get a coffee and get an early start at work...She accidentally texted me instead of ow "on my way to pick you up " and then a few minutes later "here". I txted back huh? She responded "sorry, obviously for another person"... W has been leaving early for work to pick up ow and go to get coffees before going to work instead of spending time with d let alone helping get d ready for school. I bawled but didn't let d see me. I took d to school and then went for a swim before heading to work. Half way through the swim I started bawling again. Had to stop for a minute so I didn't drown :-)

What do I do tonight when I get home? Pretend it never happened? Bringing it up will likely start a fight. Dr says not to bring something up if it isn't going to help but ignoring it feels weird. Weird is good right? Better to be a peacemaker vs right? Or is it past that?

Bigger question...How do I set boundaries? Better question...What boundaries? All I can think of left is to file for divorce in hopes of waking her up...

Read another fifty pages of dr last night but 95% of it is for of wife wants to work on the marriage or if she wasn't having an affair. Thoughts?


Me:39 W:33
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Found out about affair 9/14
Joined: Oct 2010
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Originally Posted By: 4mendmj


What do I do tonight when I get home? Pretend it never happened? Bringing it up will likely start a fight. Dr says not to bring something up if it isn't going to help but ignoring it feels weird. Weird is good right? Better to be a peacemaker vs right?



Wrong.
Appeasement NEVER works. After you've read either DB or DR (I recommend DR), pick up the book "Boundaries," by Townsend. Your wife is doing what she's doing for the same reason that dogs lick themselves.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Oct 2010
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Originally Posted By: NickiT
Right now, she's having her cake and eating it too. There are no consequences to her actions with OW. Does she have a job or are you the sole provider? If she doesn't have a job, now would be a good time to talk to her about getting one for a potential separation as you are not comfortable with living in an open marriage and funding her affair in any way.



BINGO.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Put it this way: you basically told her, repeatedly it looks like, in Nov and Dec that you were not willing to live in an open marriage.

And yet, sitting here in mid-Feb, your ACTIONS (or lack thereof) decidedly say that you ARE.

Can you see that?


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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