Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,942
E
edz Offline
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,942
This is becoming some bizarre version of pigmalion now 'enry'iggins.....


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
edz #2535882 02/09/15 12:56 PM
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 589
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 589
LOL. I think I need a UK/american translator.


40s 2teens M14Y
BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14
BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14
EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues
Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15
D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,118
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,118
I find the best way to read forums is phonetically and often what you read makes more sense if you read out loud.

Ie pith with a lisp sounds like a swear Improper word you would get sensored on.

You know fire truck... Think mustard some stuff rhymes

Persisting down rain very polite way to say absolutely pithing down.

Oh houso = trailer trash in USA

Although houso is short for housing commision which is subsidised houses for the poor.

Last edited by Ggrass; 02/09/15 01:21 PM.

M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
Any adventures recently mustard Seed?

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 589
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 589
I have been better keeping my emotions in check. My birthday was a couple of weeks ago and I was a bit emotional in the morning, but then made a decision to grow up and let go. I have been trying really hard to just act as if. I don't even know what I want. If this is it, I want it done. If there is still a chance--I want it to work out. Our anniversary was the same week as my birthday and it passed without mention. frown

A couple of days ago he asked me why I am still here. Not sure if I handled it right or wrong, but it was honest and from the heart. I started off by saying that I really don't like who he is right now but I don't believe this version of him is the real him, and when the decent guy I married returns I hope to still be here for him. And I mentioned about how his friends are getting divorced so I think he is hearing all of the awful ways that their husbands treated them to make them want to leave, and he is trying to do all those awful things to me so I'll do his dirty work and make it easy for him.

Then I kind of changed course.

He is into sports I thought a sports analogy was fitting. I said that I know we haven't been playing our best and we have been taking hits from life but I meant what I said when I took my vows and until I am convinced the game is over I am not going to walk off that field. I said that I am surprised that he went right from being "I love you and we are fine. It is my job that is the problem" to "This isn't working I want a divorce" without even seeing if there is a way to turn this game around. I said something about how I am surprised how with his athletes he makes a big deal about being a team and playing your hardest until the game is over, yet he is ready to just walk off the field in the middle of the game on the most important team of his life. I said that if he feels that quitting is what is best for him, then he can go right ahead--but I am not going to be the one walking off the field until I am sure the game is over.

He hasn't said anything about it. The past few days he clenches up and gets a really angry look on his face whenever I am in the room. The more I think about it the more I wonder why HE is still here? If he is so certain he wants this done why hasn't he taken any steps to make it happen?

I still think so many things will be better if we divorced. But if we can get on the same page they will be fantastic! Maybe it isn't possible, but I don't think we will know that until we learn to communicate. I have know idea what his specific problems are with the marriage. It is all speculation because he is very charming and when he talks he makes you feel like things are getting addressed, but then after you leave the conversation you realize that all you did was talk around things and never really get any answers. I always end up more confused after a conversation. Maybe a healthy relationship with him really isn't possible.

However, I still think about the turmoil that the kids will have to face. Two things I know for sure. I don't want to disrupt their schooling or living situation until I absolutely have to. And I refuse to leave them, even part time, until and unless I absolutely have to. Bottom line--if they live here, I live here!

We currently rent a three bedroom unit from H's employer for $1000/month less then the going rate in this area. If I have to move, my plan is to first move in with my folks to save as much money as possible and pay all of my debts (except my student loan which will take a while), and buy something out by them. Rents by them are the same as out here, but houses are a lot cheaper. That means an hour commute for me and the kids. I don't mind the commute, but for them I would rather not put them through that until I have to.

Now I have another issue that is annoying me. I mentioned that I might be moving to my choir director just to let him know that I might not be around much. I plan to spend more time out of town (at least once the snow melts) and I probably won't be around many weekends. A few members of the choir overheard and figured out it is due to marital issues. They have been kind and supportive although I don't want to discuss it with them. Now this man (who is much older than me) has been annoying me with FB messages offering support and an apartment. When it snows he messages me to see if I got home safe. I ignore as much as possible and I think I am going to just cancel my FB page for a while. I don't use it much. Part of me even wants to just quit choir all together to avoid him. I know there has to be a better more mature way to handle this then to just ignore and blow him off. It is incredibly annoying and when I go to church and choir I want to just be left alone to sing and listen. Now I notice that I get all angry and tense whenever I have to go. I wish I never said anything. I am not close to these people. I am fairly new to the church and choir and while they are all perfectly nice and choir was always enjoyable I don't consider them friends--more like aquaintences, and I am happy with that arrangement. I am not a particularly private person and I don't mind people knowing my business, as long as the respect the boundaries of when I want to talk about it and when I don't. This guy seems to be sniffing around too much and it pisses me off. I'm pretty sure he has ulterior motives and I am not interested in the slightest. This is another reason why I think I should just give up and move out. I don't like living in this town now that people don't think of me as H's wife anymore. I would rather be back in my home town if I am going to have to be a single woman.

Is that all so completely immature of me?

Last edited by mustardseed; 03/05/15 03:31 PM.

40s 2teens M14Y
BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14
BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14
EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues
Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15
D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 589
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 589
Do you think we are both just waiting for the other to pull the trigger?

I am sitting here this morning fantasizing about what life will be when my marriage is over--and I am looking forward to it. I don't really think I will miss him at all. But I am still hung up on the fantasy of who I thought he was and the marriage I thought was possible with us. That is my ideal. But maybe it was all make-believe. I think I will survive and thrive without him. So why can't I just pull the trigger? What is holding me back? Disrupting the kids is a biggie, but they already have been disrupted and already know that moving in with grandma and grandpa is a real possibility. My aunt told my mother that d11 was talking about how excited she is to be able to baby sit for my cousin's kids once we move out there. At the same time when we are home she keeps saying how she doesn't want to move. I guess they feel a lot of the same back and forth emotions that I do. I really wish they didn't know so much.

I don't think I really want to fight for this marriage anymore. I think one of our biggest marital red flags that we are both non-action sort of people. Well, he is a Gemini and I am a Pisces-both mutable signs. Makes for a lot of indecision--if you believe that stuff. He is trying to make me go, and I am waiting for him to follow through with his words.

My parents are taking a cross country trip this spring. That might be a good time to start my exit plan. When the kids are done with school we can make it permanent. I really hate this.
We sucked at planning for our life together, and we are just as bad about planning for our lives apart. All because we both live in a world of avoidance and poor communication. When I would try and have a discussion with him about something I will get the vibe that he did not want to talk about it, and I would table it for when he was ready which never happened. This was the situation with finances, trips, weekend plans, anything big or small. The only time things got done was when it was a last minute--on a whim--decisions. And we both liked living that way until I realized it was causing major anxiety for me. Maybe I am the one who changed. I started trying to get a little more stability. I craved some sort of safety net or security blanket. And maybe he really feels way to confined when things need to be planned for. Maybe he just cannot handle predictablity and having some sort of a plan for future goals.

When I decided to make decisions and then just present them to him to avoid that cycle and get things done, he would just yes me, but not follow through. When I would just go ahead with things the way I though they should be, he would pull away and separate himself more from me. And then, if we fought, usually because I started pushing too hard and pushed the buttons to get ANY sort of reaction from him, positive or negative, things would blow up and I would get blamed for making all of the decisions. Why am I even fighting for this? Why do I think that he is anything different from who he has always been? The more I think about it the more I think that maybe he didn't change, maybe I did. Thinks went south once I started getting our finances in order. I didn't even touch his spending, all I did was make a plant to get the bills paid on time and plan for big bills coming up. And I hoped that once he got on board we could start planning for bigger things, like buying a home. But instead of it easing his stress he rebelled like a teenager. He gave me the money I needed to pay the bills, but started treating me like his mother.

Maybe this marriage really has nothing left for us?

Last edited by mustardseed; 03/06/15 12:45 PM.

40s 2teens M14Y
BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14
BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14
EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues
Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15
D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
Mustard

No one can tell you your M is over, not H or any other creepy choir member.

It is over for mustard when she says it is and if she changes her mind she does.

Please Msd get out of H sandbox, do what you do because you want to do it. let H be H and work through his stuff in his own time. Let H be what he wants to be and Msd be who she wants to be. You loved this H for his differences to you and this was how you related to each other. Be free to love that part of H and his difference and allow H respect for those. H seems to be hanging on in there too.

This is confidential to Mustard and you do not have to disclose to H if you do not want to. It is personal. Hold your counsel.

Has Msd looked after her interests and sought up to date legal advice? Please Msd look after yourself and your children.

As for creepy choir drawers, if it were me then I would say STOP and tell him there will be consequences if he does not. You sense this guy is a predator, trust your instinct. If it smells to you like a rotten fish then it most probably is.

You went GAL Msd, please much more, give yourself a break, get some space with your sitch. Hot housing is emotionally draining.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 589
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 589
Thank you, Vanilla. I have sought legal advice and I retained a lawyer in December. It felt really good to do that because 1-I had the money too. A couple of years ago when he was in charge of the money there never would have been so much as $100 for unexpected expenses, but since I separated my finances and started budgeting I had that money sitting in a buffer fund. It was a blow to go from being a month ahead of everything to being back to month to month. But a couple of years ago I never would have dreamed I could just write a check for that amount and not have it cause complete turmoil. These are the things I can accomplish without him!

When I retained the lawyer she gave me all of the paper work for me to file and I have been slowly filling it out. When I am ready to file, I will really be ready. She touches base with me every once in a while and she knows I am on the fence. She told me that now that NY is a no fault state it doesn't matter who files first and if I need to take my time that is fine.

My other thing is now that I have my finances under control I have a positive balance with money sitting there for various future expenses and a cushion for some minor unknowns. If we get D I don't want to have to split that. It was a lot of hard work for me to get there and that money is for family needs, not my own fun. I know that he probably still ends a pay period with nothing left even though at this point the only bill he is paying is the rent which is automatically deducted from his paycheck before he gets it. I would hate to have to give him half of my sinking fund money and E fund money just because I managed it better than him. But I will clarify that with my lawyer. We make the same amount of money now. Which is amazing because a few months ago I made 1/3 of what he made. And in that short amount of time I was able to make major strides in getting ahead. Even before I got this job I was able to get so much further ahead then he ever could, with my little paychecks that he loved to dismiss as a useless waste of time--simply because I started budgeting and paying attention. What a novel idea--but it still too much for him to handle.


40s 2teens M14Y
BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14
BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14
EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues
Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15
D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 589
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 589
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
Mustard

This is confidential to Mustard and you do not have to disclose to H if you do not want to. It is personal. Hold your counsel.



As for creepy choir drawers, if it were me then I would say STOP and tell him there will be consequences if he does not. You sense this guy is a predator, trust your instinct. If it smells to you like a rotten fish then it most probably is.

You went GAL Msd, please much more, give yourself a break, get some space with your sitch. Hot housing is emotionally draining.

V


I didn't get to address this part of your post before because I had to go to work. Keeping things to myself is something I have a hard time with. I have never been good at holding things in or keeping secrets, part of why he infuriates me so much because he never shows his cards. But you are right. I don't have to explain my motives to him. I probably need to learn to be a little bit more like him in that way.

As for Choir Guy. I think I really do need to address it. Singing in the choir was one of the things that I really love doing just for me, and I hate that it is so uncomfortable right now.

I have been doing more GAL things. I went away during my week off, and we sort of took turns with the kids, although I ended up getting more time with them because of some cold weather plumbing and electrical issues, so we thought it was best to not have the kids in the house until it was fixed. And last weekend I spent the night (with the kids) at a friends new home which was a lot of fun. This weekend the kids and I are going away again. These things aren't much different than before BD. I traveled a lot with my kids and my family. He used to go but gradually pulled himself out of these trips. I think too much extended family got to him. But I enjoy traveling and we never really could afford it on our own. I also really value extended family--he used to also. Now he pretty much shut himself off from everyone except his work buddies--mostly because they are local, I'm guessing.

Last edited by mustardseed; 03/07/15 02:12 AM.

40s 2teens M14Y
BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14
BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14
EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues
Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15
D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
Msd

Mind reading dear one, H may have nothing in his head but cotton wool, on the other hand he may be a secret Russian agent. Even if you asked the answer could be different tomorrow. H may hold no cards, he may prefer tennis!

Let H be H, struggle to be H. No labels, as otherwise your thinking will set in stone that which is lava and flowing. Sitches change, H changes, Msd changes. Deal with today Msd, not yesterday or tomorrow. The volcano erupted and now there is the beautiful flowing glowing lava, go near and it will destroy you. Let the lava flow and make its own beautiful forms, lave makes rich fertile soil for growth. It will cool and be warming and will go down hill to the sea.

Msd all you need to know is what Msd wants.

Creepy choir guy can be a practise, I would like to bet this is a repeatable creepiness.

GAL, please Msd I enjoy hearing about your GAL. So more.......

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 03/07/15 03:50 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard