I took ggrass advice. He still wasn't home and I asked him when he would be. He said "when you need me to". So yeah he spent the day away waiting for me to tell him I had no plans. So I said "I'm leaving at 7". He came home at 6:45. I got I. The car and starting driving to the mall. Figured I'd walk around the mall. Maybe catch a movie. But then I said "f this I want a night out not mall and a movie". So I came back to my local train station and hopped a train to the city. I'm having appetizers and a beer or two at a little Irish pub then I'll head back. I told my cousin where I was just for safety reasons. But I love the freedom I feel right now. ill have 2 beers and a cup of coffee before catching the next train back.
Amazing mustard seed. Gets maximum GAL points of 5 for pure bravery and chutzpah.
Inspirational. Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 02/08/1511:46 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
So something I didn't mention last night, because I just wanted to focus on GAL, but before I went out I had a talk with him.
I don't know if it was the right thing to do, but it felt right. I had to let him know how I was feeling. And I think it felt right because this was the first time in a long time I had a talk with him where I wasn't trying to make him feel something. I had no ulterior motive except to say, "This is how your actions are affecting me."
I pretty much told him how I felt like he was playing games. How I resent the fact that I spent our marriage accommodating his choices and I didn't mind at the time because I believed in him, but now that he made it clear he doesn't have my best interests at heart I don't see why I still have to be accommodating his choices. I told him that if he wants out of the marriage then fine--go--but don't expect me to once again accommodate your choices by having to make all of the sacrifices.
I told him how I don't think it is right that just because he wants to give up the marriage that means that I have to give up my home and 50% of my time with the kids.
I told him how I think moving in with my parents would help me financially, and if it wasn't for the kids I would be there already. But D11 isn't really on board with the move. She doesn't want to change schools and doesn't want to have the long commute which she kind of had a taste of last week when H and she were staying with friends--house-sitting/babysitting --and that commute was only half the distance of what it will be when we are living with my folks. I told him how if I have to move out there either I am the one who will be held responsible for changing their lives in a way they don't want it to change, or I will have to give up a good chunk of my time with them. A sacrifice that I don't think I should have to make since none of this is my idea to begin with!
I felt strong, and confident when I was telling him these things. I know there is nothing DB about it, but I needed him to hear it. I needed to get back my dignity. The dignity that the back and forth of neediness and coldness I have been playing at the past couple of months had cost me. I had to tell him why I am having such a hard time accepting the separation--not because he is he end all be all of my life--but that his decision to not even try to see if the marriage is slavageable and his lack of movement on getting himself out of this marriage that he claims he hates--while he waits for me to make all of the changes--is unfair. I am not going to play by his rules. I am not going to give up 50% of my time with my kids. And I am not going to be the one they blame when they have to give up the things in their lives that are important to them.
I told him that I don't know if our marriage is worth saving at this point. But I told him that I don't think we have ever even gotten to the point of trying so how do we even know. I brought up how he was all gung ho about fixing things back in September until I started bringing up some tough issues that sent him running again. I told him that I know I was far from a perfect wife, but I always had his back.
I don't really expect anything from that conversation, at least not on his end. But I do feel like I had a nice healthy purge and that I got myself out of that needy, clingy, victim role, and back into a, "this is my life, and you are not in control anymore" frame of mind.
I feel good. I still don't know what I am going to do, but I do know it is not going to be dependent on what he wants me to do.
Anyway, he didn't say much. He listened. He didn't get angry. I think he really just heard me out. He made a few comments about how s13 has been acting differently around him. He was a little accusatory with that, as if I had something to do with it. I think S13 is feeling really protective of me, and I think that pathetic zone I was in might be why. I told him I am trying to be strong around them, but I am sure they sense when I am shaken, as much as I try to hide it. And when he does things to piss me off (like disappearing and not giving any indication about when we can expect him home) I'm sure the kids sense that. Not only that, but in a few years when the kids decide to follow his example with not telling us the necessary details of their comings and goings we are going to be in big trouble. I mean, this has nothing to do with "policing" each other, but common courtesy--at least that was how I was raised. If nothing else then just a general idea of when you expect to be home.
I guess maybe there was a little bit of lecturing, but for the most part I am happy with how I handled myself. I feel like I have gotten back my dignity and pride, and took back the reins. Now I just have to keep them.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Wow, now I feel like I should have ordered you to talk to the first human you saw on your night out, hot and male optional!
Mustard seed you kicked a big one. I cannot go out out locally alone mainly as too many people know me and want to gossip. I go out I control it. I talk to men and people at work I talk first I set the tone. I drive my bus, and tonight I feel you grabbed r The wheel right out of his hands. Well done.
Take a calculated risk, be safe. It will make you feel so much better. I have traveled so by myself just me and s to family while with h. Going interstate by plane alone after bd, was empowering.
I also could never go out alone locally. We are both teachers in the area, so there would be lots of people who I may or may not recognize who would be quick to gossip--coworkers, parents--who knows. But that is why the city is the perfect option. I also worry about having a drink and driving--we have always had a zero tolerance rule with that. Going to the city solves that problem the city is an hour train ride away so switching to coffee or water before leaving, then having that hour ride home gives my body the time to recover from any buzz I might have gotten, and it is only about a mile drive from the train station back to the house.
Also, it isn't so strange to be sitting at a bar alone in the city. I figured if anyone asked me why I was alone I could just say I was waiting for the next train out--which was kind of true. Of course no one asked. LOL It wasn't a very hopping place. Next time I'll find a place with more people. There were a lot of younger people, and it is funny how this new generation of young adults rarely talk to each other. Two 20-somethings sitting next to me were texting the whole time they were there. They didn't say anything to each other or anyone else except for when they ordered their drinks. It's a different world than it was in 2000. I probably need to find an older crowd. Happy hour is probably best.
Last edited by mustardseed; 02/08/1506:30 PM.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
In my towns case the gossips will not talk totally behind your back.
They will bail me up pressure me to spill my guts. To Digg dirt, in my case h told people I was the cheater. H said that about xw.
They are looking for a bone. There was no cheating from me it was done to me. I won't disscuss my life never have never will. I will create impression without substance but I won't tell all. I like my private life on the farm too much.
Just enough to add petrol to h! he needs to know he needs to be in control.
Laughs oh it's your fault I dragged myself from my sick bed to go win a tray of snittys! Happy to eat those for ya!
Last edited by Ggrass; 02/09/1509:21 AM.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
Ah got you, okey doke mmm chicken one sounds goooood.
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
he needs to know he needs to be in control. 