Starting a new thread because that last one got quite pathetic with my neediness and emotional decline. I need a fresh start. I still don't know what I want--to save or not to save this train wreck of a marriage. To make the first move or wait for him to end it. I know I am busy and overwhelmed with everything going on between my marital issues, my kids needs and desires, my extended family disasters, and my new job (which I am so extremely grateful for and enjoy immensely, but is so much more work and stress than I ever imagined). I'm really feeling pulled in a thousand directions right now.
I really just need to focus on me. And I want this thread to be more proactive and positive than my last one where I think I spent a lot of time being the victim.
So I need some advice. I never get to go out with friends, partly because I don't have many in the area where I am currently living. I have gotten close with some work friends but we don't really get together much outside of work. And all of my other friends around here are connected to H through his job in some way, and I kind of want to avoid anyone connected to his work community. I am really feeling stifled by that world right now. H has a very active social life that I am rarely a part of, and now I am not a part of at all. I have been spending a lot of weekends at my parents with the kids, but this weekend I stuck around because of questionable weather forecasts and the kid's plans.
So I was trying to make some plans tonight with some work friends. I mentioned to H that I was hoping to have a night out tonight so that he would be available for the kids. He seemed fine with it, then later while I was grocery shopping he sent me a text asking me to let him know what my plans were because he "is dreading being here this weekend". So pretty much he is saying, if I don't have plans to go out tonight, then he will make sure he has a night out. I replied "I am to," and left it at that.
This really pisses me off. I know I am mind reading, but I think he thinks I am bluffing and he is trying to one up me by proving to me that it is a lot easier for him to have a social life then me. I know if he goes out tonight he will not come home--just like he has been doing--although surprisingly he did not go out last weekend.
Anyway, my plans fell through. No one is available. I haven't told him yet, because I don't know what to do. He was leaving to run errands and he told me again to let him know what my plans are, this time he asked in front of my daughter. I replied that I was waiting to hear back from some people. He said "ok" and left. Of course as soon as he left D11 started in, "why do you have to wait for people to get back to you?" "Where are you going?" "Why can't we just go to grandma's and grandpa's instead of you going out?".
I have a lot of work to do, and probably should just stay home. But I really want to just GAL. To show that I am not just home all the time and that I can have a social life to. But now I have no plans, and I feel guilty because D11 doesn't want me to go. And I know that I can probably still just leave, maybe see a movie by myself, Maybe even get a late night oil change at the dealer (not an innuendo, I really need an oil change and my dealer is opened until midnight). Or I can admit that I have nothing to do tonight, stay home and get some work done and spend time at home with my kids--right now that sounds like the better option, except that he will go and do what I was hoping to be able to do for the first time in a long time--and he does all of the time.
So, what would you do if you were in the situation? I think my biggest motivation in making myself busy is so that he will have to stay home. That, I know, is manipulative and codependent--something I am trying to overcome. But I also really just want to get back on that GAL track, and doing anything to be busy and out of the house is important. I want to not be home wondering where he is and if or when he will be home. Which is easier to do when I am not home.
It's just that if I don't have real plans, I would prefer to stay home then to run some late night errands and sit in a movie theater alone when I can be in my PJs getting some work done. UGH.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
I have no advice, but I am in pretty much the same situation as you regarding GAL! So I am posting so I can follow. I do have problems and I guess at this stage it's a kind of resentment. My husband gets to have the life of Riley, off socializing more, doing what he wants when he wants, actually getting our more than when we were together. I wonder why we couldn't do all these things while we together, why now? I wanted to get out and do all these things before with him and our family!
I hear you on that end--the super-dad that has come out, making all sorts of fun plans with the kids that I had long ago suggested we do as a family. But part of me knows he won't maintain it. That helps me stay positive despite the resentment. I have no idea what he is doing when he goes out. Before he used to go out but I always knew where he was. I used to drop him off. Sometimes he would order us some take out from the bar he hung out at and I would stop by to pick it up. He even invited me along some times. Now he has found a different stomping ground and is staying with other friends. No one picks him up or drops him off. He won't even say who he is meeting up with. I don't think there is an OW, but I think he is playing games. He likes that it drives me crazy. I have to stop letting him know that it drives me crazy--or just simply stop letting it drive me crazy. If I had a social life that would be a lot easier.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
I took ggrass advice. He still wasn't home and I asked him when he would be. He said "when you need me to". So yeah he spent the day away waiting for me to tell him I had no plans. So I said "I'm leaving at 7". He came home at 6:45. I got I. The car and starting driving to the mall. Figured I'd walk around the mall. Maybe catch a movie. But then I said "f this I want a night out not mall and a movie". So I came back to my local train station and hopped a train to the city. I'm having appetizers and a beer or two at a little Irish pub then I'll head back. I told my cousin where I was just for safety reasons. But I love the freedom I feel right now. ill have 2 beers and a cup of coffee before catching the next train back.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Wow, now I feel like I should have ordered you to talk to the first human you saw on your night out, hot and male optional!
Mustard seed you kicked a big one. I cannot go out out locally alone mainly as too many people know me and want to gossip. I go out I control it. I talk to men and people at work I talk first I set the tone. I drive my bus, and tonight I feel you grabbed r The wheel right out of his hands. Well done.
Take a calculated risk, be safe. It will make you feel so much better. I have traveled so by myself just me and s to family while with h. Going interstate by plane alone after bd, was empowering.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
I'm on the train on the way home now. The only person I spoke to besides the bartender and train conductors was the guy I crashed into when I realized I entered penn station from an enter acne I wasn't familiar with and was looking at signs rather than where I was going lol.
It was a good night. Next time I'll be more social. This time I was more concerned with making the last train back. The weekend trains are few and far between on my line.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
The funny thing is I ised to do this sort of stuff a lot before I met him, but they always ended in bad decisions. im not 24 years old anymore and I don't know if it is maturity that made me wiser or if it is just that bad decisions aren't as attracted to almost 40 somethings. But this was a much more responsible version of that girl I used to be.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Shows how far you have come from those days doesn't it?
Life's a journey. A real journey not often as we expect. It Can be as fun or not as we choose. When you choose we choose our own consequences weather we like them or not.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
