Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 7
W
woud Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
W
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 7
Hello everybody

My wife is in a major midlifecrisis and there are times when I believe I’m totally insane …

About me
First let me tell you something about myself. I am a 55 year old Dutchman. At the age of 25 I suffered a major emotional crisis myself forces by a immature loveafaffair . It took me six years tot complete this proces of psyschoanalysis. It was a painfull and transfered a boy into a man.

How we met …
When I met my wife she was just divorced. She worked as a leader (don’t know the right word) with retarted people. It was meant to be. It was like two matching gloves. Almost imediately we were living together and of course zshe took her daughter with her. Together we got two children a boy and a girl.

Our live …
For all I know we loved each other very much (22 years). We didn’t have to say it .. we knew. Although we never had a serious quarrel we had several difficult times. Our oldest daughter was autistic an needed lots of attention and structure (almost unbearable for us). At the age of 36 my wife had a stroke. Of course this had a lot of impact on us, but we managed to overcome . She recovered almost completely. Suddenly my son needed special care. Today he’s been diagnosed add.

Cur crisis …
When my autistic daughter moved to a place of her own, we moved into a house that was build by her grandfather in a neighbourhood were she grew up as a child (2012). Suddenly (november 2013) on a sundaymorning – completely out of the blue – she talked to me of having a place of her own, not wanting responsiblities, etc. She said, that we could still have a relationship and do familythings. The three of us (me and the children) could remain living in het house and then she would visit us.

I was completely devastated. There were no signs or reasons whatsoever. I told her, that if she didn’t like our marriage anymore then she should feel free to leave. She told me she wasn’t able to feel anything. She doub ted everything. After a few intensive conversations her love for me was renewed and she texted her sister she was madly in love again. Together we went on a short vacation and everything was back to normal. The onlything … I was in a state of alarm.

After five months she I discovered she was kissing with a complete idiot (really). I knew this for certain, because I’ve read her mail. When I confronted her she admitted. After this she changed completely. She ran of … and after a few day she texted me to come for her. She was feeling pain and she loved me. So I did, but overthere several thing had happened. For instance she had sex with a complete stranger. Her state of mind was twisted again. She wanted to stay there to build her a complete new life. We agreed, that she would come home and would seek help. It was the beginning of three psychotic months.

Counceling didn’t help. She sat in bars almost every night until 6.00 am. She asked me to give her time and space. She turned cold and distanced herself form me and the children. On her request I didn’t asked anything. In the meanwhile she made remarks like

• It’s something in me … I’ve changed
• It’s all about the church and my firs marriage
• I want to leave, but I’m afraid I’m gonna miss you and the children
• I want out of this relationship, but you’re my buddy … and what we share is something I never had with anyone else
• Find yourself another woman …
• I’m doing thing, that’s not right for a married woman

On most days she acted distanced an cold. It was almost unbearable. When I distanced myself and acted as if she wasn’t there she came towards and started to seduce with kisses and affection. Almost as is she was afraid of losing me.

Anyway after three months she left. Our children haven’t seen her since then. In the past 6 months I’ve seen her four times. In digital contact (mail, whatsapp, textin g) she acting very hostile= blming and accusing me- towards me . I’m the enemy … Stillshe asked on several times to help her. However she filed for divorce and got it. I haven’t a clue what’s going on …

About my wife
At the end of this long and confusing story (I left several other details out) let me tell you something about my wife. When this all started she was 47 and looking good, but suddenly she wanted piercings. There were no signs, but come tot think of it … Say about 6 tot 10 months before the first confrontation she started to talk about trees. She said, that trees would still be there long after we are already dead and gone. When she say young girls at the age of 14 / 15 she told in a kinda melancholly way that young girls are so funny and fragile ..
Maybe it’s a coincidence but at the age of 15 my wife was a very religious young girl (I’m not sorry). When she’s was fifteen something happened in her church. In don’t know the precize details, but I know for certain it was a kind of sexual abuse by de leader of her church.

Bye the time she was 16 she left this church and her religion. Her parents remained in this church. Het parents by the way are very religious people. The raised three daughters. The oldes is their little princess and my wife (the youngest) is the rebel.

My wife became a “heavy”teenager”. According to her parents she was a rebel. I never noticed this. However I didn’t knew my wife when she was a teenager. My wife met her former husband and married him, although she already had her doubts if the marriage would work. However she wanted to leave her parental house (especially her father. The marriage didn’t last.

Possible triggers
I’ve done al lot of thinking and research (about mindlifecrisis) and discovered ther were a lot of triggers for her crisis:
• Moving out of the house of our oldest daughter;
• Moving in our own new house in her childhoodneighbourhood;
• Her father’s disease (cancer);
• Our son needing care as well as my oldest daughter;
• Our son’s graduation;
• Etc.

There are more, but somehow I think my youngest daughter is a major trigger. She turned fifteen and is/was experimenting with piercings and bows. She is starting tot go out with her friends. Is it possible this is the trigger for my wife’s midlifecris? Is this a midlifecrisis or am I imagiing things

Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
J
Moderator
Offline
Moderator
J
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
woud,

Trying to figure out the trigger is sort of pointless, the genie is out of the bottle. It could be any of those things. Formy wife it was when our oldest turned 10...holy crap that was 9 years ago. Anyway...

You asked how long this might take...it might take a year or two, it took you 6, it might be never...there are simly no concrete answers with MLC.

Post here get to know some people, talk to them on their threads and I promise you will make some of the best friends you have made. We are all in this together alone.

Welcome to the best crappiest place in the world to be.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
Wow...I am sorry you are going through this. You have a lot on your plate.

You ask if this is MLC. I would say yes....and no. The piercings, recapturing her youth, approaching 50, tired of caring for everybody....yes that sounds classic for MLC. But some of the other behaviors....sex with strangers, hanging out in bars until 6 am, history of a stroke, and if I read you right, sexually molesting a mentally disabled client? This all sounds like potentially some real form of mental illness or addiction.

Is she on any prescription,medication? Has she had any kind of weight loss surgery? Does she have any history of addiction, bipolar disorder, lupus?

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.


I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2183063&fpart=1

Reccomended Reading thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483893#Post2483893

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...619#Post2484619

MLC for Dummies
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=960393&page=1

Great one liners
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...true#Post894543

TMAK Reconnection
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...011#Post2485011

Snippits from the Anne Sheffield depression site
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=851708#Post851708

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Why they run:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484259#Post2484259

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

Odds and Ends from Delboy
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2488315#Post2488315

MLC through the eyes of a Visitor
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2532669#Post2532669

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what she says and 50% of what she does.

I would not ask her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.


Your W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
I agree w/Jack and kml, that your wife is definitely having a crisis. MLC takes a long time and she will do whatever she needs to do to get through it. Unfortunately, they do tend to destroy everything good in their lives. There is no magic bullet that will "snap" her out of it. In fact, you don't want to "snap" her out of it because she will definitely go back into crisis at a later time and it will be far worse than it is now.

Give her plenty of space and time to figure things out. Do not rely on her for anything as she is now off in her own little world, much like a teenager. She's going to do and say things that are the exact opposite of the wife you knew, i.e., mirror image.

Oh, and yes, the two of you have already played the distance/pursuer game. You noticed that when you distance yourself for a period of time, she began to pursue you w/kisses and affection. Don't take her bait again, maintain your distance, but you can be civil.

When dealing w/a person in crisis, it is not a sprint, but a very long marathon. Live your life to the fullest, and, if and when she wakes up, it will be up to her to earn your trust again. At the end of the day, you will be the one to determine whether you want to reconcile or not.

Until that time, keep the focus on you and your family. Your wife is in her own little world and is thinking of no one but herself. Her current song is "me, me, and more me".

Please take care of yourself.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 7
W
woud Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
W
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 7
correction it was not a patient, but one of the employees she had an affair with

Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 7
W
woud Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
W
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 7
At start of this year I agreed with my wife to give her a weekly update (mail) about our children. I set a condition that she would talk to me in a decent manner (no blaming or accusing).

After three weeks she let me know (in an kind of angry way), that she could she, that we clearly doing wel (me and the children). Everybody could see that I was was great father and she was a lousy mother (spo she said. She asked me to give her a weekly update in stead of a monthly.

I haven't any contact since. Three weeks went bye. What should I do? Shoud I give her her monthly update (Sunday) or should Ik wait untill she contacts me?

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
If you agreed to give her updates, then you should do it. Keep the updates about the children and their activities. ..nothing more. Don't play her game of not keeping promises. Follow thru on whatever you say that you are going to do.

BTW, how are you doing?

Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
How old are your children?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 7
W
woud Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
W
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 7
I'm in this mess now for about 9 months (she left 6 months ago). I dont't know how I did it (problably due to my own quarterlifecrisis), but I managed to keep my sanity. My first thoughts were my children (15 and 19). My son (19)isn't very stable and needed professional help.

Somehow we managed to rebuild the familylife. I met a woman (on a Dutch forum). She helped and advized me (with digital contacts). She convinced me to detach and told me al lot about mlc.

Under the circumstances I'm doing wel. I've read and learned a lot about mlc. I was very touched by the story of a woman on your site named Amy. It reminded me of my wife.

Allthough I'm detached (a bit)is this situation always in my mind (and I believe in the minds of my children). We are growing as individuals and as a family, but we all are missing her ...

Page 1 of 2 1 2

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard