Mighty, I am so sorry you are hurt and sad. It breaks my heart.
I wanted to talk with you about something. You are taking the blame for this and I cant let you do that. You think that if you did something differently it would have turned out differently.
That's just not true. Though it feels like it's about you, it really and truly isnt. Its about him and his brokenness. It doesnt matter what you did or didnt do or say. It would not have changed anything. I promise you that.
He is still in crisis. He is still confused and unhappy. He doesnt know why. Until and unless he looks within, he will never figure it out. So, please dont beat yourself up.
As far as the email, sometimes things need to be said...as long as there are no expectations on your part.
Take time to feel what you do and then release those feelings when you are ready.
Can you make this thread only about you and your kids. Can you take a total XH break?
Unless its something about XH that we can all LOL about (not being mean) just looking for laughter wherever I can get it.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
uR, I know you are right. He has way too much going in, and I don't control that. Nor do I want to. I don't even want him if it's a question for him. He has a long way to go.
He is buried so deeply. He has no perspective. He has no idea how to get out. So he is grasping at the only hand waving in the area. Hww's. And it is for selfish reasons. He will take whatever is available, even if it's the devils hand.
But I know, he has to climb out himself in order to get to where he needs to be. So he can have perspective.
He may never do it. And unless he shuts her down for an opportunity of peace and contemplation, it will be difficult.
But- not my deal.
I'm going with what 2b said.
Ok, 2b- supposed to see Harlem globetrotters tomorrow. D13 has a game and her coach called last nigh upset about it. I bought tix before the season for christmS presents.
You will enjoy the Harlem Globetrotters. They are very talented and funny.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am so angry. I am having a moment. My day was fine. But, inside I am screaming. I am better focused on things than in the past, and I can carry on just fine. People probably have no idea that I have internal nuclear-type damage. It is all physical. I have aged so much the past year. That makes me angry. Especially since I was left for a 20 something.
My stomach is in knots. My heart is strained. It is taking such a tool on my body. I felt like this for an entire year. It was one thing after another. I was finally getting better.
Now its back. This incessant turmoil inside. I just dont know. This is the worst feeling. It will not go away.
How do I get rid of this awfulness. I am not a negative, debbie-downer, but I just can't shake this. I just can't feel good or happy. I feel tormented by everything. Ugh.
I am so angry that I just don't know what to do. I just dropped d13 off. And my stupid mind... I couldn't even drive right home. I started yelling like a maniac in the car. Screaming like a freak-show. Tears were streaming down my face- from anger. My throat even hurts. I am so pi$$ed.
I just don't want anything. I can be around my kids and I am OK. But I don't want to talk to anyone else. I don't want to hear anything. I don't want to be anywhere.
I just want to make this stop and I can't seem to. Was it expectations. Yeah, a lot of it. I had some. But I think also, dealing with the baby and everything that was happening so fast. On top of that, working through accepting everything that happened over the past two months. The birth and everything. It was hard. I was trying to be supportive. I was dealing with this stuff. With him. To be with him. Not as an alone person, away from him, where I could have just said, skrew you. I was working through some major emotions. And he did this to me. Again. When I put myself out there. And he bailed on me. Went behind my back. The guy who decided he was focusing on kids and not a r, went and start a r.
See, maybe I didn't expect that it would totally work out in the end. But I did not expect him to go back there- especially the way it went down. Duh. I mean, I kept thinking that his actions were just like last year. DUH! I will never be caught like that again. NEVER!
I know the guy I loved is dead. I need to find a way to bury him.
So, here's the thing, Mighty..you're human. I get the anger completely. Im good with it as long as you dont live there.
Get it out. Scream. Hit pillows. Break a plate. Whatever you need to do.
Use the anger to move you forward. The quicker you do, the quicker you get to where you need to be.
Sweetie, you are hurt and sad and tired. I understand it. You have been through an emotional freakin hurricane.
But the only way to do this is through it. There are no short cuts. You have to work through all phases of grief in order to get to a place of peace.
Now is the time to take care of you. Do whatever you need to in order to do that. You matter. You are important.
Be sure to only take your stuff, M. Not his. You took a chance. You honored your relationship. Nothing wrong with that. Now you know better, so you will do better.
Its tough to accept that the old person is dead and now you have to figure out if you want any kind of relationship with the new person. It is extremely difficult to not expect them to act and react like they used too. Yes it is very hard to bury that person.
Maybe a symbolic burial would help you for closure. Maybe you could make an effigy of the old husband and then burn it in a funeral pyre ( bonfire) in you back yard. Like spread the ashes of the person,
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
uR- Thank you. "You took a chance. You honored your relationship." You are right with that. I did. Sometimes I would think about how it would be easier to not deal with it at all. But, I thought it was worth it. I do value my family and my husband (what was my husband). I would walk through hell and kick the devil's @ss to save my family. That's why I put myself out there.
But, when it comes to a r, there can't just be one. Since I've got a runner, good ol' Forest.... well, he's gone. And ain't nuttin' I can do 'bout dat.
Hey, LT. You know, I was thinking along those lines. I have got to make it just right to be significant.
I can tell you, I know, for sure, that I do not want any type of r with that guy. Nothing. I went for months without talking to him, and it was the best thing for me. I know, for a fact, that I cannot have him in my life if he is with her. It is way too toxic.
And this guy who his is- I don't like. Not at all. My h is dead. The devil is residing in his shell. I don't play with that. I hope, he is able to come back around, someday. For him. For his kids.
And, truthfully, I think I have been kidding myself about some things. And now, I have to face some hard facts. Things I was trying to hide from myself.
I didn't play myself after the nuke. Not really. My instincts about h were pretty accurate. But, he wasn't always h. In fact, he usually wasn't h. Because of the distance, or lack of communication, I'm not sure how much he was h and how much he was xh. But, I kept my distance, and it was good for me.
But, I think before nuke, I was definitely playing myself. I believed things and was a sucker. I went for a ride for a few months. Then got off... then got nuked.
I am sure I played myself now, too. I was just about to give a recent example. But, I don't want to, bc I don't even like to go there anymore. It exerts too much of my energy on cr@p. But, the point is, hope is killing me. Not saying being hopeful is bad. But I think you have to be hopeful for yourself and your future. Hope for a r with (my)h, aka, the dead one, was killing me! I was dying (not just him!) I was moving... but was if forward? More like sideways? Diagonal? I don't know.
I can't be hopeful for anything with that. It sounds morbidish.. but it is killing me. I need to let it go. The hope. I promise, that not to freak anyone out. Others can have it. It may be great for them. It isn't so much for me. I don't think I use it correctly.
When I get my hopes up, it results in a harder crash. So. I guess I will be hopeful for me. And me alone. Well... of course along with my kids! I can't include anyone or anything on my journey. Can't count on it.
I know this sounds like a negative post, but I really don't mean it to be. I just need to retrain my thinking. To protect myself. To focus on myself. To get going. To find happiness- in me again.
OK, I will give one example. I mentioned that I sent xh an email yesterday. I did it for me. I did not have any expectations from that. Truly.
But, I did wonder if my silence (outside of the email) would play a role. Since we have been speaking again, and losing that, I guess... maybe somewhere... there was a thought that he would notice it. Especially since he did before. So I did look the this morning and yesterday morning (2x4) and saw he did not stay at hww's. I did think, perhaps, he was thinking bout things. BUT DUH!!!!!! I'm and IDIOT for thinking like that! THATS the stuff that is KILLING ME!
For the first time, I was like, hey, Might, get a grip! I looked my undercover expectation in the face and realized it was a joke. And I had a thought to trump my expectation. I thought about a person, a mutually close person, who probably said to xh- hey dummy, you are killing Mighty by doing that in her face. Get a grip! So, maybe he stopped for two days. So what. Could be totally inaccurate and probably is. But, it was a realization that I can't do that stinkin' thinkin'!
Ok.... on more thing. Something that was really bothering me about the false reconciliation. It was a very emotional time. So, I was not so pretty all the time. It bothers me that that's probably what he will remember me by. What sent him running (among other things). All the great memories he said he missed and he thought about while he was gone... are probably now going to be pushed to the wayside. Now he will probably remember crazy.
But, it was a short period of time. Maybe that will pass. I mean, he seemed to forget all the crazy hww was showing- like when she told him she hopes he dies in a car accident. All that good and loving stuff.
Ah well.... the story of me. Well.. 2B... sorry. I feel like a let down. A disappointment. I'm kind of making it about me, but.... it's not so pretty! Pretty as in... seeing the sunset- on a garbage dump.
And start right now today imagining that bright new future you are freeing yourself up to pursue. (And start with acknowledging that NOTHING you did or didn't do caused him to go back to HWW, okay? You did above and beyond and in the end, this is still about him and his craziness - nothing to do about you. He told you as much).
There are adventures out there to be had. Delicious sexy men who are kind and considerate. Mountains to be climbed, new things to learn, songs to sing. Punk rock bands to drum in
You have to let go of the past in order to embrace the future. I highly recommend it.
