Jbird#2 Separated Living Together Need Advice

[Jbird]

Jbird 1

I need some advice about my situation. I live with W and take care of our SND20.

I am trying a new thread to see if more people will checkout my thread and offer more input. (I hope I linked my old thread)

My issue is trying detach, do 180s and validate at the same time. Validation seems to get the best results this time around. While detaching is hard to do because of having to take care of SND20 and living the same house as W.

[Karma12]

Hey Jbird....focus on you and your relationship with your kids. Know that no matter what you will be ok. Detaching comes with GaL keeping busy and moving forward. If your wife catches up that's up to her. You will still have a full and happy life.

[Jbird]

Karma, you simplify it so well for me, thank you.

I worrying that I am not detaching enough because when W talks with me and I listen and validate her I feel closer to her. Sometimes she comes in the MB and sleeps in the same bed, although she sleeps under separate blankets, I feel closer to her. If I get up and sleep somewhere else I would not feel right either.

W quit wearing her new "rock" shortly after the BD so I quit wearing my ring also. I think that is okay to do but not sure.

All of my children are distancing themselves from her and she is blaming me. I have pretty much kept my mouth shut about it. I have talked to the kids and they have all told me I did not influence them in their reasons to avoid her. On a few occasions I have explained what the opiates have done to her and the abuse she endured affects her behavior. None of the kids buy it, they say it doesn't matter she 44 yrs old and has had enough therapy.

Last night D25 posted some dirty laundry on her fb, she blocked all family and mutual friends, so only a few people D25 trusts received the post. However someone took a screenshot of the post and sent it to her mom. Then W started calling D25 and S22, they avoided her calls so she called me. I didn't get the post and D25 didn't complain about her mom to me, so i said I didn't know anything about to W. She accused me of lying, but I didn't respond. (W is out of town working for two weeks or they would have unloaded on each other)

W was put in the hospital for being suicdal in Jan. 2013, so I have fears of her taking an overdose of pills. She is on 5 or 6 psychiatric drugs, so if I was too leave and the kids exile her, she may put herself to sleep for good. I had a cousin commit suicide by taking an overdose of her pills.


I know that I have to live today and not worry about tomorrow or next week, etc.

[Jbird]

W called at 7 am this morning and I missed her call, so I called her back around 8. She asked if I talked to D25 about the post she made, I said I don't know anymore than yesterday. She said, "okay I got to go!"

The post doesn't say who the message is to and was supposed to be only sent to a few of D25's trusted friend, but someone took a screenshot and sent it to W,

The post:

You have $(/4())? up a lot in my 25 yrs and now with my finances. Although it's not the worst thing you have done. ( then d25 rambles about not mounting debt by buying above a budget for a paragraph or so then ends with a hurtful statement)
"Exiling you from my life would be the most freeing thing I could do for myself!"

W thinks I know why D25 posted the dirty laundry, but I have said I don't know. W thinks the post is aimed at her and it most likely is. I know W is mad and hurt over this. I can't imagine my children saying that to me, I would be crushed.

Should I ask the kids to be kinder to their mother?

W will be out of town working for at least two weeks and none of kids plan on calling her or answering any of her calls.

[Mozza]

Your situation is very heavy, Jbird. From here, you appear to be dealing with it with poise. You're doing many things right, including keeping your calm.

I haven't read all your previous thread, but I noticed that many people have asked you if you were sure you wanted to stay married to your W. It's entirely your choice. Sometimes, people miss the opportunity to have a good thinking about this, just because they didn't make the choice to S. But you have the gift of time and I'll encourage you to think of the many ways in which your life might unfold, especially now that your kids are mostly grown.

Should I ask the kids to be kinder to their mother?

The advice around here is usually not to get involved in the relationships of other people. The best thing would be not to get in between your children and their mom. It does sound like D25 has unhealthy ways of dealing with difficulties, but she's a grown-up now.

I see you started a new thread, but it shouldn't make a difference in the attention you get. Quite the opposite, it makes it harder to go back in your sitch and understand recent events. Stick with this one thread until you reach 100 posts. You've been patient and updating regularly, which is good. Consider posting more on the the threads of others. You will become better known and people will be curious about your sitch and will visit your threads and start commenting.

[Jbird]

Thanks Mozza, great advice. I will start posting on other peoples threads, even if it's just encouragement. I lost my confidence to advise anyone, as I DB'd successfully, so I thought and now I'm back to square one.

I wonder if I should walk away? I wonder if I want to DB and reconcile? Either way I'll DB.

I still love W and am very attracted to her. We have been remarried 7 years and we had been closer than we had ever been. Two glitches set us back, being sexually attacked by a coworker triggered PTSD and Major Depression and then her relapse on pain killers in Sept 2014.

My situation is heavy like you said, so I have to find more things to GAL, which enhances my mood and self confidence.

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks Mozza, great advice. I will start posting on other peoples threads, even if it's just encouragement.


That's kind of you, J. But I'm not sure it's what Mozza meant when he suggested you take a serious look at your choices. Examine them, without fear, for 10 minutes on a daily basis and see what evolves.

Of course, encouragement to others to follow/stay on course with DBing, is a good idea, anyhow. It may help YOU to do the same, eh?


I lost my confidence to advise anyone, as I DB'd successfully, so I thought and now I'm back to square one.

I wonder if I should walk away? I wonder if I want to DB and reconcile? Either way I'll DB.


Those^^ are 2 questions ONLY YOU can answer. You need not answer them today but realize NO ONE HERE is going to answer these for you.


Yet, you sort of do answer at the end of it. "Either way"...you need to GAL and Detach. YES you must.

Even if you reconcile and stay married, YOU my friend, are too enmeshed and co-dependent to function happily as a man on his own. At least that's how I see it.

You are filled with one worry and concern about HER< after another and that is no way to live.

Married or not, it's just not healthy. I hope you will realize this soon.


I still love W and am very attracted to her. We have been remarried 7 years and we had been closer than we had ever been. Two glitches set us back, being sexually attacked by a coworker triggered PTSD and Major Depression and then her relapse on pain killers in Sept 2014.


If 2 events, even traumatic ones, have completely broken your m, then I think there were underlying issues within the relationship and or within you two as individuals or just her....but does this really still matter?

Why bring it up so often? I am asking you to ask yourself that.

It's NOT a judgement on my end, but a question for YOU to ask yourself b/c it sounds as if you are trying to convince someone of something....

My situation is heavy like you said, so I have to find more things to GAL, which enhances my mood and self confidence.

So what are you going to join, explore, learn, begin or see THIS MONTH?

For GAL suggestions, let me mention some of what I did when we lived in the interior of Alaska, including in the winter.

Also we had 3 kids, including a baby (so I don't really want to hear about how '' you are 'too busy' to GAL).

Inertia is the greatest enemy to GAL, with fear a close second. Overcome those & you'll be well on your way to a happier more fulfilling life.

IMO, the more you overcome fear & inertia, the better your R's will be with all people, including your w.

I volunteered at a battered women's shelter.

I coached a girl's softball team, two summers (my older D was on it).
I was on the board of directors for Wrestling, (& our son wrestled).

I auditioned for community theater and met some fun creative people. I got cast, too. This has lead to a lot of other wonderful things in my life that would not have occurred, had I not extended myself.

I did stand up comedy (and yes, I still do it). I did a whole set once on a MLCs at the Hollywood Improv. It went very well.

I learned to cross country ski, became a better shooter.

I Learned to hunt big game, to deep sea fish, & I got better at downhill skiing.

I learned to use a snowmobile (or, "snow machine" to Alaskans) I loved riding, & getting outdoors.

I Learned to fly a plane, and I got a pilot's license.

I Went skydiving! I Loved it so much I did it again. I plan on doing it again, soon!

Edited a book. (The book ended up on the Best Seller's List. Who knew?)

I Worked out 3-4 times a week, and I did get in excellent shape. Looking good made a world of difference to me. Found a work out partner and began socializing after the work outs.

(Plus I'd just had our last child and needed to lose the baby weight. It was not easy to do, let alone in the dark, deathly cold of their LONG winters).


Saw a therapist and for some months, went on ADs.

Took a pottery class (very odd for me to do, but I liked it a lot).

Joined the Officer's Wives club after 15 years of active duty.

(Wish I had joined sooner! Met two women who are life long friends to this day.)

Joined a writer's group
Took a class in Conversational French
Took a class in Italian cooking

There is more, but I just wanted to suggest to you a few things you can do that do not cost a lot. Other than pilot training, most of these ^^ activities were free, or quite cheap.

I'm not trying to be harsh, I am hoping to awaken you & get you on track, ASAP.

So, what's it going to be this month/week/day?

[June315]

Your situation is heavy as you said. My H is also has substance abuse issue. One of the reasons he uses is because of his depression that he won't admit to.

I don't have any advice to give as I am a mess but want to send you some encouragement.

[Jbird]

25yrs thank you for all the time you spend helping me and others! You are like the two coaches who could make me excell. They were not scared to push my buttons even if they new I might not be happy about for awhile. I have the utmost respect for them. Every time I read on of your posts I gain more respect for you.

June, thank you for your encouragement. DBing can really help us so don't give up!

Today W sent this text: "I just want you to know I have an appt. on the 20th"

I texted: for ? She texted back: attorney
I'm sure this is in revenge for D25's post on fb. I was upset for a few minutes but I okay now. It is what it is.

25yrs I think I have to drop the rope, no more fixing meals for her, no more butler duties etc. She has mental illnesses, but I can't sacrifice my health and help someone who doesn't want me around and that thinks I am the reason for her unhappiness.

I have to quietly get my ducks in a row, I have oil royalties to protect and should get some legal advice. Since I have been the homemaker for the last seven yrs. I have taken care of our special needs daughter. SND20 will live with me after the D, she cannot stay by herself.

It may have been somewhat bad news from W today, however I didn't shed a tear nor am I feeling depressed! I actually feel some relief she told me so I can make plans.

[Jbird]

My poor SND20 found out W was getting an attorney when she overheard me talking to my mom. She has been crying most of the day and yelling abt how she hates her mother. I tried to console her and told her not call or text her mom. Unfortunately she text her anyways and so W is mad at me for allowing her to text her.

W says she is moving to live with her parents. If she leaves, her job goes anywhere she goes because all see needs is Internet and her phone system. For the last seven yrs we have needed W's salary, my royalties and SND20's SSI to live on. If she does this We will be homeless because SND20 and I have $50 left after we paid the rent, so there is no way we can pay next months rent. My oil royalty check went into W's bank acct because the company takes up to 8 weeks to change accts.
My D25 just moved back home because her lawyer man dumped her for another attorney, she is still very depressed and has not found a job yet.

I am taking all the pictures I have framed to my friends store tomorrow. He has a dry cleaning place but has wall space to hang pictures and room for some on easels. I don't know how they will sell, but hopefully okay because his clients are in the upperclass.