Just realised wife of 12 years is having a MLC

[Detrmnd]

Hi starsky,

Yes we were swingers, but irrelevant of what a couples boundaries are the hy shouldn't be crossed. Our boundaries were a lot further out than most people's but they have still been crossed. She met the guy on a night out with a female freind, I beleive the freind was used as a patsy, and it was pre-arranged. In our lifestyle it's just meant to be sex, lovemaking stays at home and your not dating others.

Two Friday's ago she met a guy who she had been speaking to on whatsapp for several weeks. This was apparently coincidental, but I now know it was planned. I flipped out and a weekend of tough chatting ensued then Sunday night I saw a message on her phone and opened it. I scrolled through the conversation and found her saying on the Saturday morning after she had spent the night in a hotel with him, messages saying "I really felt we made love this morning" and about 3 saying "I love you". Then despite me begging she went out all day Saturday and most of Sunday with him, including hotel dinner concert and daytime walking about and lunch.

I broke down and she then told me I needed to move out to get better as I am being controlling and she feels suffocated.

I know she is meeting the guy tonight, should I confront her or tell her that I know? We always promised we would never have affairs as both our parents divorces were caused by it. Or do I just play along? She has stormed off and is staying at a freinds, yet all she packed was all her beauty stuff, sexy lingerie and party dresses...

[Detrmnd]

I guess the question is should I tell her everything I know or just allow her to carry on?

Also starsky why do you say I should reclaim the marital bed?

Also a big thanks to everyone who said hi, especially nice to know there are other UK peeps on here, I look forward to getting and feeling better. And getting to know all of you goofy or not!

[Detrmnd]

Ok so W has just text to say she will be back Monday after the kids go to school. And wants to talk, she claims she is confused and hurt by my actions of yesterday (moving back in)... So now I don't know what to do or say. I want to resolve things, but obviously she is still living in denial that she is having an affair, or has done anything wrong! Should I say I know? Or is that confronting/controlling?

[Detrmnd]

So does anyone have any tips on how to sleep and relax for an evening when you know the W is out with someone else? I have kept busy all day but now the kids are in bed its a lot harder to keep my thoughts off it...

I am certain many of you have been in this situation, but currently I just know I want to sleep tonight and not have a nights sleep filled with nightmares, or is that just unavoidable?

[Karma12]

Melatonin will help you sleep. Also self nurturing. Do the things that help you unwind.

You will drive yourself crazy thinking about what she is doing. I know it's near impossible to totally distract yourself at this point. Give yourself permission to think about it say in the morning for an hour or so and then force yourself not to go there the rest of the day. When your mind wanders back tell yourself I can go there tomorrow at 10 am for now I have to shut it out. Otherwise you will dwell and become obsessed it will drive you crazy.

[Detrmnd]

Melatonin will help you sleep. Also self nurturing. Do the things that help you unwind.

You will drive yourself crazy thinking about what she is doing. I know it's near impossible to totally distract yourself at this point. Give yourself permission to think about it say in the morning for an hour or so and then force yourself not to go there the rest of the day. When your mind wanders back tell yourself I can go there tomorrow at 10 am for now I have to shut it out. Otherwise you will dwell and become obsessed it will drive you crazy.

Thanks Karma, all good advice. I am currently trying to implement the 10am plan. I'll let u k ow how it goes in the morning! It's 11:27pm here so am in bed watching some TV and trying to just chill out. The problem is I find when near sleep my mind wanders, then things pop into my head. The bigger issue at the moment seems to be the mornings tbh but tonight is a new one.

I have resisted the temptation to send a text telling W that I know exactly who she is with and what she's doing. Do you think when we speak Monday I should point this out? Or should I pretend I know nothing?

[Detrmnd]

Morning all!

So I slept ok, I woke about 3am but managed to get back off till 7:20 so a very good nights sleep considering the sitch. This morning I got a bit worked up and had to go hide and have a cry. Now that's done I feel calmer again, I know I need to eat but I'm so un hungry it's crazy. I guess I just have to force stuff down till I regain an appetite or taste buds!

I think I really need to detach, any top tips to help?

[Detrmnd]

Hi guys I really need your advice, I just got my copy of DB which I plan to read tonight. I do however have a big chat scheduled for tomorrow.

I know W is going to ask me to move out again. I do not want to, especially while
She continues her affair. While I am planning to stick to sandis 37 rules and to stay calm and not engage, I do obviously still need to stick to my guns on various points. I think I should stay in the marital home and possibly even the bed. I do think I need to point out she is having an affair, so I don't see why I should leave, or is this not a good idea?

Please guys I really need your help to deal with this! I am planning on booking a call for tomorrow with the coaches but that will be too late for this chat and I am terrified about doing the wrong thing and making things worse!

[Sotto]

Hi Sad. From your end, you may want to keep it quite simple.

I think there are a few key points to consider making here:

If your W doesn't want to live together any more, she can leave. You don't intend leaving.

You know she is having an A. There are some examples on this forum - people putting their hand up and saying ' please stop lying to me. I know you are having an A and disrespecting our M.' But without divulging all that you know and how you found out. Have a look at Starsky's advice in this area.

You aren't prepared to live in an open marriage. Save me flicking back, are you guys swingers? Presumably, there's some kind of understanding/agreement in more liberal marriages like yours - of boundaries that would not be crossed.

I think if you manage to quietly and firmly make these points, without getting drawn into a big argument, the convo will have gone pretty well. If you've made these points, and your W just wants to keep on going, you may just want to calmly let her know that you have said all you want say at this point in time, and excuse yourself.

Expect some blame to come your way and hear it, but try not to react. Try and stay calm, strong and centred throughout. Also, know that there is unlikely to be any giving up of AP at this point in time. Your W may also talk in absolute negatives - I hate you. I never loved you etc.

Others may chime in too. But if you find a post that Starsky has posted on, click on his name in the top left hand corner, and choose view posts, you can have a look at his previous advice to others.

Best of luck.

[Detrmnd]

Thanks Toots I will go through starsky tips.

I am glad to hear what you said as it agrees with my thinking. I am bracing myself for the rage and torrent of absolute negatives, I have already heard so many that I am finding them easier to ignore at the time. Though I must admit I do need to go off and have a cry afterwards just to process (obviously not letting W see/know).

RE the swingers thing yes there are boundaries just like any relationship ours are probably just different to most. Trust though is the key just like in any relationship.

I am planning to mention the affair very matter of factly, I don't need a debate or anything else on it and I understand it probably won't end. I just feel like she doesn't even think it's an affair in her head at the moment...

I will fill you all in tomorrow she is due round about 9am UK time after the kids are at school.