Part 11 - contents may be different than

[edz]

part 10 is about to lock so here we are with part 11

So last week I was hoping the end of the thread would see things being better as I was a blueeee edz. Any better now? Hmm mixed, "thing" is still a thing still can't talk about it, still troubles me still massively mixed signals from w so just as detached as I can be. Dating profile loaded by friends taken down for the present. Let's carry on...

[edz]

Goooood eeeevning all.

So back from a long day out. S in bed me on sofa under my throw again. Mostly great time today couple of downers some of which are outside of my control some of which aren't.

First you guys are great thanks for all the fun on my last thread Jim, toots, dawn, ganb8te, v and cyber coffee date gg.

So let's run through today.

Got over to w as usual groomed tidy hair done nicely shaved etc togged out set up the printer and got the drivers sorted w was happy for me to access laptop etc but made sure she was there while I did anything in the PC - I dont go a snooping and want her to understand that especially if "it" surfaces anytime soon - had a coffee and w was heading out to her coffee morning as s and I left.

Made s croque Monsieur for breakfast when we got back, simple yoghurt for me with black coffee.

Headed off out sorted fuel and checked the tyres etc then headed off for the science centre. Much fun had with the exhibits and two visits to the planetarium. This evenings stargazing was unfortunately completely clouded over, indoor alternatives I thought were good but s wasn't that gripped, he asked could we head home and we did.

Soon on the way home he told me he'd been upset this week. Not going into full details but twofold firstly that mummy and daddy aren't in the same place like some of his friends and secondly that he doesn't want new mummies or daddies. Didn't overreact to the latter asked him what he meant. Think he's seen shows with blended families (cbbc especially) and thinks thats how we'll end up.

Had to think on this as, for all I know, may end up like that. I have made no mention of new people, dating, ladies or anything similar and wouldn't do even if I was actively deciding to date right now - which as you all know I'm not. W? No idea she says not but even so I dont believe she'd bring it up either.

Right now I simply can't say and he's processing enough at the moment, ended up saying that mummy will always be his mummy and daddy will always be his daddy regardless of how things end up settling.

He seems happier this evening, said he should talk to w or I if anything is playing on his mind and he shouldn't worry, told him I'm very proud that he's done so well and its difficult but we'll all be ok no matter what the arrangements it just may take some time.

Tricky conversation. S suggests that w is dissmisive when he asks about these things. When I've raised this with w she says nope this is s spinning tales to make me feel better. Makes it difficult to get to the issue. All I can do is really be there for him and work on it all when he's with me. He also said that he sees coming to me as a special occasion rather than day to day. Again just validated him and supported what he was saying in reality he's coming very frequently and often for longer visits. I see his upset but right now with w acting as teacher as well as mum its difficult to work with. Its a challenge.

Sooo yes. That was a heavy bit of talking with a ten year old while driving. Seemed to lift him a bit though. We got back and got him off to bed.

Emailed w to tell her about the science centre and evening and a few pics. Really really considered adding in something about conversations with s but I know she'll dismiss that as me "pushing" her and using s. I actually found myself thinking as that crossed my mind that right now for the first time I'm not 100% sure thats what I want so why would I push her right now? Anyway decided its something better brought up in person or a call so didn't include it.

So now just chilling, tomorrow w is coming over and were heading up to IKEA. W seemed variable today. Welcoming and helpful this morning although looking tired and in some texts today concerning tomorrow she came across as curt and dismissive and looked to be getting out of going (so much so that I said was all flexible - I have no issue if she drops out its really as she wanted bedroom duvet covers etc no hassle if she wants to stay home) really confusing but I'm not drinking the coolaid today.

So there we go that was today, do I get some gal points v?
Managed to explain standing waves, energy transfer, moment, momentum, pendulum effects and timings, vortices and the Bernoulli effect without s dozing off so hopefully good for his science work anyway

[gan]

Tricky convo, Edz, but I think you handled it beautifully. Once again I am reminded of how far you've come given the perspectives your W expressed early on re your relationship with S. Him opening up to you like that is evidence to the contrary, no?! Also seems like a bit of a shift in your R with him. I don't recall you talking much before about similar convos? (or I may have skipped)

He also said that he sees coming to me as a special occasion rather than day to day. Again just validated him and supported what he was saying in reality he's coming very frequently and often for longer visits.

When I first read that I thought he was meaning that he thinks it is special for you guys to hang out. Seems you had a different interpretation. Do you want to be seen as a day-to-day thing or a special thing?

Managed to explain standing waves, energy transfer, moment, momentum, pendulum effects and timings, vortices and the Bernoulli effect without s dozing off so hopefully good for his science work anyway

Well, I am just impressed you can explain them let alone not send S into a doze! I once tried to explain how waves work to my nephew and realised half way in that (1) I didn't understand it very well myself, and (2) the whole thing sounds totally bogus! (I'm more of a biological sciences person, not physical sciences).

Human Universe with Brian Cox is showing on ABC at the moment. Have you seen it? Might be something nice to watch with S if he's into that kind of thing (which it sounds like he could be).

[edz]

Hi g

Ah I see what you mean. He was saying that he wanted to be able to come to me whenever he wants rather than only occasionally, he even said when he's a teenager he'll go where he wants to and be with me and go to his friends. I know this is coming from him wanting to make me happy but I do feel its also a slight sign of pushing back on w being there all the time and setting the schedule. She's not being restrictive, even trying to fit in all the requests and fun s asks for but I really think it's a little much sometimes, I always got told how would I know though and at the time that was fair comment tbh.

Due to the home ed it's very tricky even before w still dealing with trust issues about s and my relationship. Yes could have made that clearer, put it down to tiredness

Thanks for the kind comments just keeping on trying to grow really. S and I have had some chats this is the first "biggie" really. Wanted him to understand being upset and wanting to talk are never a sign off weakness but often courage (god knows i had to talk....and talk talk talk these last 6 months) which I feel w trends towards as it's just the way she picked up from mill. Always had to teese out any issues during our m.

Will have to look for that show over in the uk but I imagine it's showing somewhere will take a look.

Always loved science and consume books sometimes randomly don't pretend to be an expert just enthusiastic

[Sotto]

Hi Edz, sounds like a good convo with you and S. I think you handled it really well, and it's so positive that he opened up to you in that way.

Plus your attitude of 'not drinking the coolaid' is great - considering the revelation of "it" is so recent. Shows how far you have come. As for Ikea? Well, your W may come or cry off - either way, I'm sure you boys will have a good time!

Cooking lunch for the parents today and Aqua Aerobics tonight....It's 1st Feb now. Time for Edz to start thinking of his February GAL activity maybe? ;-)

[edz]

Morning toots

Knew I meant to answer something else before bed it was that. Looking at gyms this week. S also wants to go for treadmills at some point

What's for lunch is the masher getting used?

Enjoy aqua

[Sotto]

No masher today. I did use it this week to make refried beans. I'm making a lot of Mexican food at the moment - my favourite cuisine.

On the menu for lunch is gnocchi with a homemade roasted pepper and tomato sauce..

Hey, great work with the gyms....hope you find a nice one. SS used to love going to the gym - nice thing for you guys to do together..

[edz]

Texted w to confirm what she wants to do, she then called me.

She's heading over a little later. She seemed chatty so took the opportunity to discuss some of S's concerns. Positive conversation. As she said would have been strange if s wasn't feeling some of this but she and I will keep an eye on him for signs of him needing to talk. Said again that I can sort someone if he needs to talk or he can go with w or I and if we all need to go we can discuss first.

First time we've really got near our r since august. Wanted to be sure I wasn't pushing any outcome (to be honest I'm not sure what outcome I want at the moment except the one that makes s happy and secure and makes none of us miserable) but I had to make her aware of his concerns. I said that he had been worrying about blended families (see yesterdays post) and I couldn't and wouldn't promise him anything as I dont know how it will end up and that may well be the case but she will always be his mummy and I will always be his daddy and we will both always love him.

Also said i did take it as a good sign he felt he could talk to me about these things as he'd previously felt unsure of where he stood (before bd) w said when she's asked if he was ok she gets stories of Minecraft so sometimes it can be pinch of salt time.

S can indeed be a bit of a spinner of tales sometimes to get his own way (he is a 10 year old boy after all) sometimes to make others feel better but there's no way none of this is true and I think today's the first time I heard w say she aknowledges the effect on him.

Of course no mention of "it" from me and shes either moved past it (probably wishful thinking) or is still in deep consideration of what to do and the impact. Sorry last bit is more my journalling.

Stayed positive and I didn't feel any fear in bringing it up which boosted my PMA confrontation, even small ones, would have made me shy away before so something's working.

Anyway good positive call w wanted me to hear her cat (actual cat before you lot start!) she heard bft (both being sat on by out mogs right now) let's see how today goes, time to get s up and fed and me showered shaved and dressed.

Have a good one

[Vanilla]

Sounds like S is becoming himself! Kids often talk in cars, found that out when I was fostering. They have an adult captive to themselves, it is warm, the car engine is soothing and it's easy. I always turn down radio and listen and no soothing but soft voice tones. S is confiding and if you want it to continue you will need to be very confidential and if you need to talk to W then tell S so and report back to him that you have done so. When you talk to W, I suggest you discuss S concerns from your view with minimum disclosure. W will then say dad is concerned about X would you like to talk to me about it. W will have to do that as you have disclosed your feelings not those of S. In addition kids can be telling you what you want to hear. Ask open questions and have a giggle with S if you find he is doing so. Oh and lots of hugs, RD is a great role model here with closeness as appropriate with his DS. I know that you know all of this Edz so apologies if I am remarking, intended as sharing.

Just V take on it. H1 and I fostered troubled teens mainly from 10 upwards and H1 younger siblings. H1 was a natural with kids and would have loved a large family (with fostered kids too). Had almost 12 years of fostering with 4 or 5 kids a year, sometimes for as short a period as 3 days but up to 6 months, kids then moved to permanent foster homes or adopted. we were a 'stop gap', some wonderful kids and some with issues, mostly confused or bewildered children needing a little respite, food and more often than you think hygiene. The odd child with greater problems needing special help and foster carers. I worked so was more detached, not a traditional mum and dad and we were young. The training was good too, a little formal and rather waffly but solid stuff and we had our own life support officer. A very lovely caring lady whose job was to help us come to terms with our issues (not the kids). Effectively parenting classes for non parents. Funny how this brings up old memories as fresh as paint and smelling of today not yesterday.

Oh and hugs, some kids no matter how old need hugs. Some need to sit next to you still as you read or watch TV others like to rough and tumble. Others, more spikes will only hug if you ask " I need a hug" and eventually they ask do you need a hug? I am crying as I write full of happy memories. It is strange how tiredness makes V sentimental.

What is S love language?

I believe I asked before but my notes do not note the rely

V

[rd500]

Hi Edz. Glad to hear S can open up with you Just my two pence worth. My D10
Opens up to me a lot, she is very upset but hides it if she can. Often in the car (as vanilla said) she will tell how her mum has changed and does not love her like she used to. I take these times to reassure her that her mum does love her but is just unhappy at the moment. D10 will often say that I stick up for W too much. My D10 is very advance socially for her age and I suppose it's because she has D13 as a major Influence in her life. I was a child of a WAS and I know how it affected me

All you can do is be there for him , as I'm sure you are but from my 4 kids I know than this horrible thing that's happening to them is never far from the surface


Take care mate. Rd