I confronted conflict last week, in the form of a bossy, condescending, intrusive co-worker. We took a 45 minute walk, where I broached the difficulties in our R, and I think she listened. Toward the end it turned into more of what should I do to fix me (Luke) session, but the dam is breached, and she gets to have the full experience after Thanksgiving break.
A good Thanksgiving to all - I am gone up north at BIL's, back before the crazy traffic on Sunday. MLC - are you around?
Good practice, I think, dealing with this colleague - Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Back on West Coast. Wife and d16 having 4 day weekend in Sweden. Occasional, small, contact with W, short but pleasant. She gave me an Algernon Blackwood story to send to my parents.
We are still married. W has told various friends that we are getting Ded, but nothing has happened since. I've asked the same friends to not spread this, saying that this is not definitive.
W's dance teacher and I had a talk about sitch. He invited us over one evening, and basically said to W what a good H I was, and what a nice family we have. I think the message got across, so I requested that he stop, and he has since.
W spends the week in the small Stockholm apartment with d16 (much less commuting time to school for d16). I come in Wednesday nights to have dinner with d16. It is hard to be away from here and think that this time is lost forever.
W has been agreeable enough in communications, though these are few. I have the impression that perhaps a New Year's resolution is active on this front.
I made enchiladas and gruyere muffins (she loves Gruyere) for W before I left for the US. When she dropped me off at the train station, we didn't embrace, but I made sure to wave as she drove off, and she waved back, a small heartwarmer.
She spent the weekend before that alone in Stockholm. I have lots of time alone in our 'real' house, but basically just work and sleep (alone) there.
I had an infatuation for a week a while ago, but that has worn off. One of our members here has kept me on the straight regarding dating, pointing out that I am still married, and that it would be more honorable and fair, for all, to be clean about all of this.
I feel lonely. Told d16 I miss her, and felt very sentimental after getting some of pictures of our son at age 1, now 20 years ago. How time slips away - .
Trying to live life well, but still not up to it sometimes, and retreat to my office (where I am now), spending all day here. I helped out at an EE workshop, and got to join an EE group after, which has been very good. Perhaps it is possible to love a group of people too -
Looking for quality and depth and openness in relationships - even with people I do not have an R with (in the usual sense) - even with one of my male work colleagues, whose dad I could be, but who is on this same path, looking for a good, real, connected, R to a woman.
No, not long at all. It is good to hear from you. I still hope your life will be happier in the future than the past several years. I am proud of you making the effort to maintain your relationship with your daughter.
It sounds as if EE was one of the best things to happen for you. So glad to hear you are still involved.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The brief infatuation was wonderful, walking on air really, so it seems I am still able to love. That bodes well for the future, possibly even with my new, softer wife, though I doubt it.
Yes, EE is great, and I have chosen to invest time and energy into it. A good many of the people there come because of R problems, and it seems to help them. The continuing, open, caring support you get really helps me see and live better (e.g. the talk with my d16 was encouraged by EE principles).
It is good to hear from you too - you are a beneficent presence for me -
I am back in Europe, and have now met a bunch of wonderful people at EE who support me in going through what now looks like an inevitable D. One of them, herself going through D, inoculated me with the phrase "you are a good man", which has been helping me withstand onslaughts from W. and keep to that truth instead of believing the spew.
Two cases: W put up list of things to do house-wise in order to sell it, on the fridge. My jobs are in italic. Today, as she and i carried a door down for painting prep, I said that I'd rather be asked than told what to do. She said that I had no right to be peeved, as she did "all the work, all the time", which is not true. I listened, didn't take the bait, and walked away to another task that needed doing.
Case 2: returning from a friend's newly opened restaurant, where we had been discussing the interior decoration, W sarcastically says "you are the perfect person for that...", to which I said thank you, and walked away. Gottman's four horseman are clearly riding here...
W has talked to a realtor and determined that September is a good month to sell. I finally just want to end this, and move on, so if we achieve (there is a bunch to do still) September, good.
I Have scheduled a prep session with a therapist to set up an emotional drainage session for W, figuring that getting her emptied of all this negativity should improve things for the better, no matter how things end. After the prep with T, I will tell W we need to talk, but not immediately, and then listen to her spew for as long as is needed. Getting the spew to continue flowing will be the trick, I think, with the knowledge and security that my EE friends give me as protection.
My R with d16, turning 17 next weekend, is still very important. I ask her every day if she would like to do something, and she and I have run together, checked out a spot for her birthday, and gone for a nice walk. She is a teenager, and in a tough spot, between two parents, so I understand and will continue to be open.
So, life continues, better than before, and the end now has a date, all for the good, finally, I think. Coming through this cleanly, having been faithful, and trying to make a good end of it, seems what I need to do, so that is the plan.
The therapist thought an emotional drainage session would not work as wife has no respect for me, leaving no useful point of departure to start from once emotions are drained. Rather, he suggested that being assertive 1000x in a row might restore some respect.
I have been reading about nvc and this seems an honest and caring way to communicate, and one that fits my non-confrontational style. Perhaps empathy will penetrate and reestablish some link.
I told w that I was taking d16 out to a dance show. W did not like this, but aside from an irritated face when we had to leave for the show, no problem. I got what I wanted, yes.
W may not be here this weekend due to an association mtg she is going to. It will be good to spend time with daughter.
