Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Originally Posted By: Complex
Not her style . . .



Where's that Homer Simpson face-palm emoticon when you need it?


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
C
Complex Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
I was just gonna ask if I should just let it go. My parents keep nagging me "how can you still live together while everyone is doing his own thing, there's needs to be a decision, yes or no, there's no such thing as NC in a marriage, you have to talk to her".
They are old fashioned, and I really understand where they are coming from. It's a good thing. People with tradition have a strong attitude. It's on or it's off, but as we all know not everything is black and white. But they stand for their values, which is a good thing.
My mentor aways says: you surround yourself with mediocre people, you become mediocre.

GAL for today: popping my next Prozac (scared), car inspection, making work phone calls, then tonight I need sth to do - gotta ask friends to go out with me bc I can't stay home with W, no way. Maybe I'll go surfing later too smile

Last edited by Complex; 02/13/15 06:29 PM.

Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
C
Complex Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
Originally Posted By: Starsky309
Originally Posted By: Complex
Not her style . . .



Where's that Homer Simpson face-palm emoticon when you need it?


Duh shocked ! I mean ya she went way to far but Starsky I tell you, her moral mistakes could have been worse. She 'tried' and told me everything. I do believe in her having some sort of respect and values left. I was there too. Of course there's a chance she got so annoyed that she started giving a Sht and just let it happen.
If so, how in the world did you forgive her, how long did that take you?
Right now I'm on the screw this side, feeling I married the wrong person. I told her that once and she totally agreed lol. I deserve better than this! I truly do!!!


Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Complex, I would suggest to you that you -- once again -- take a deep breath, and realize that there's an ENTIRE GULF of positions and attitudes that you can take in between "Screw this!" and "I trust her completely -- that wouldn't be her style."


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
C
Complex Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
W btw told me a bit ago "you'll never trust me when I go out, I don't know what to do, so I guess I just let you assume".
Sounds super scripty to me. If I trust her is up to me she said.
I just told her it's not about trust, more about respect, trust is followed by respect.

I don't even know if this conversation with her makes any sense at all!?

Wonder what her definition of respect is tho.

OK ok I have to let it go for today. Feeling better letting it all out here.


Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
The point I was trying to get across was the same one I try to get across to everybody who has been betrayed by infidelity: "YOUR SPOUSE IS NOT WHO YOU THOUGHT SHE/HE WAS in this state!" Any time I see someone post "Oh, she would never ..." or "It wouldn't be his style to ...." or "Oh, you don't know my wife, she's not like that ...." it leaps off the page at me.

I don't personally like the whole "aliens" term, because for one I think it dehumanizes them and two it absolves them of too much responsibility for their choices, but it's closer to the truth than "he/she would never do that" most of the time.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Originally Posted By: Complex
W btw told me a bit ago "you'll never trust me when I go out, I don't know what to do, so I guess I just let you assume".
Sounds super scripty to me. If I trust her is up to me she said.
I just told her it's not about trust, more about respect, trust is followed by respect.



A better answer would have been "Trust is earned. When your actions begin to line up with your words, consistently over time, then maybe I can trust you again. Right now, I'm afraid I don't, based on how you've lied to me."


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
C
Complex Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
Originally Posted By: Starsky309
Complex, I would suggest to you that you -- once again -- take a deep breath, and realize that there's an ENTIRE GULF of positions and attitudes that you can take in between "Screw this!" and "I trust her completely -- that wouldn't be her style."


The truth is always somewhere in the middle. Thing about truth itself is it's ultimate.
And my position on things obviously is going off with my emotions, up and down, but I think I'm moving within heatlhy and mature boundaries at least.


Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
C
Complex Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
Originally Posted By: Starsky309
Originally Posted By: Complex
W btw told me a bit ago "you'll never trust me when I go out, I don't know what to do, so I guess I just let you assume".
Sounds super scripty to me. If I trust her is up to me she said.
I just told her it's not about trust, more about respect, trust is followed by respect.



A better answer would have been "Trust is earned. When your actions begin to line up with your words, consistently over time, then maybe I can trust you again. Right now, I'm afraid I don't, based on how you've lied to me."


I'll use this line or similar next time. Thanks, sounds much better.
Thanks Starsky! You always got great situational advice.

I guess I should wait for the right situation before I throw this line out ...

Last edited by Complex; 02/13/15 07:30 PM.

Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Interesting - reading this content about lying. When my H told me about his PA, he said - in a very impassioned way - that the lying and deception was the 'worst thing that had ever happened to him.'

It only really occured to me just now that lying and deception doesn't 'happen to you.' You do it yourself......

And I get the comment about people not being themselves. My H always valued fidelity so highly and was so honest. I would never have dreamed this would happen.


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard