Complex #4 - D talk started / Detaching continues

[Complex]

Time to move on, into another thread and into another life: Last thread

Quick summary (interesting how they always change):
- Continuing EA (since BD) exposed and confronted 1/15
- W respectful of not going PA during M but playing down EA
- OM not ready, NC to W since she told him that I know
- W completely out of love - we are not meant to be
- W doing a lot of soul searching herself, but validating her believes
- I was emotionally very immature in our M, settled and loved selfishly
- D now on the table - W determined to figure things out asap
- W wants me to move out, I told her I won't, she might leave
- W telling me to focus on myself only
- Family still not involved but W determined to tell them soon
- W basically started to "plan" D

Regarding myself I'm facing:
Hard time detaching. Need to continue better to GAL big time with more activities. .
Need to completely let go. Even W asking me to focus on myself.
Need to build financial stability asap. Depression therapy.

Regarding R/M I'm facing:
How can I postpone rash D decisions from W?
Main problem: W's feelings are gone.


W gaining more power again and our "R" changed after a confrontation night 2 days ago.
She seems to still care for my well being, but her picture of me didn't change. She seems to have done a lot of soul searching too. But it's all validating her believes, which she's very strong about. She told me I was emotionally very immature in our R and showed me an article. It was a good one and I agreed. She knows I'm working hard on myself and she assures me she is trying the same. She seems aware of my actions but believes I do it all for her. And she's half right.
She believes I can't detach with her around that's why she now wants to accelerate the S and D process and also make our S official asap. Partly true I admit.

Since confrontation we are much more friendly with each other tho, but in a way of acceptance and mutual respect. She desperately wants a FRIENDLY divorce. And it looks like I'll give it to her.
But that's where boundaries really come into play and I also have to act in my own interest. I don't know where I should be her "friend" and where not to.
This will probably be the major topic of this thread. I need some advice on that, or will that advice just be: Sinply focus on yourself? Guess it's not that simple once the D is rolling.

It feels like I'm facing a different enemy now. She's very very aware of everything. She doesn't seem too confused at all, but who knows.
Which leads to ONE goal: I need to FULLY let go. I HAVE TO. She's even telling me...
Stuff is still circling tho...what if, how, when. It's not easy. But when even SHE is telling me what I have to do...well that's a clear sign is it???



Thanks for everyone being involved in my sitch so far. I'm very thankful and there's a lot I can give back to the community already. Yours, Complex!

[Complex]

Happy Superbowl day! Valentines Day is coming up. Probably the saddest common day of everyone here.
Just watched the movie "Dollar a day" on Netflix with W. We both cried.

GAL time now!

[Complex]

Things are starting to become VERY real. W told me today there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop this divorce. She is going to tell her dad and mom next week when I'm gone for work.
She was upset that I said I'm not going to move out and that I want to stay here. She is trying to argue with me that she's the bread giver etc and is afraid I want to screw her over with an attorney. I assured her I am not up for any arguments or a fight and want this to do the right way. That I don't have hard feelings and hope she doesn't have any either.
She is kind of blaming me for not living up to what I promised her. She knows she did things the wrong way too, but she just doesn't love me anymore. I agreed with most of what she said. She has a very good idea of what went wrong and all that, I don't see her being confused. And I agree with almost all her believes...I even agree the marriage doesn't make sense the way it is and that we need to grow as people first before we can have a true fulfilling relationship.

It's hard to describe, she's just SO aware of everything, the whole circumstances. She even tells me things like "focus on yourself...become the person where I look at you in a few years like 'damn why did I leave this guy'".
She's completely turning DBing around!!!?!? I wonder if she knows I'm here or so. It's weird.
Did anyone experience sth like this? Could she be knowing about this site?

It feels like I'm the idiot now. I actually really understand her and I feel like she's right with sooo many things. But this can't be it...I'm not the one who fell out of love and did all this...I'm confused

[Complex]

W even told me "not to focus on the OM" because he's not the reason why she wants D. Our marriage was going to end with it without him I need to focus on myself, I have great potential and should take this as an opportunity for growth.

She might be right, I mean she IS, but it's underplaying the role of OM and her views on how fast she wants to end M is just....I don't know. She tells me we HAVE to physically separate. She sees I'm still suffering and she's right, she wants to make the cut.
She says she might stay alone forever. Bc she probably can't find someone she loves the same way she'll get loved.

I'm so confused how she's turning the whole DBing around telling me the things DB is teaching. What's that all about???
And I'm nor over her, my life is still upside down and I'm not 100% functional. But I know it's not heatlhy to stay together right now.
I don't know what to think of what she's doing now
I'd appreciate if someone would give it a thought!
Thanks!!!

[Sotto]

Hi Complex, I think it's common to 'downplay' the OP - lots of WAS's do that. And it is partly true, in that issues in the R made you guys vulnerable to an A. Not excusing her behaviour/choice in this regard.

Of course, when the excitement of the A has worn off, things may change - who knows. I think the important thing is - what do you want to do now? Do you want to S? If you do, start making your plans and moving forwards to where you want to be..

[Starsky309]

W even told me "not to focus on the OM" because he's not the reason why she wants D. Our marriage was going to end with it without him

This is typical SCRIPT, and it's only partially true. Yes, you two probably had issues that led to her to lower her boundaries and look elsewhere, but as noted above:

a) it doesn't excuse it -- she should have tried to work with you, or had the integrity to end the marriage before cheating; and

b) affairs are HIGHLY ADDICTIVE. So while the OM may not have INITIALLY been the "reason" why she didn't want to work on the marriage with you, I can assure you that -- at least chemically/physiologically -- he became the main OBSTACLE to it.

Starsky

[Complex]

Toots: I don't want S. But do I have a choice? The living situation is rough. She seems very stressed and pressured with me around. My detaching seems to fail/she smells that I have hopes. So now she doesn't wanna waste more time and get it over with.
The A as such doesn't really exist. Factual, she loves him but both can't do anything bc of M and it seems like they went NC for a while. She plays it down that it might actually never happen bc he isn't as into her as she into him. But I assume she wants him and give it a try with him and pushing D. She denies it, either concious or subconscious she has the "idea" of a R with him. But I don't know her thoughts obv.
But it all boils down to marrying me was the main mistake she made. Everything else is what followed. That hurts like hell.

Starsky:
You're right. Her thought tho is that she DID tell me of OM at BD. I didn't take it serious enough, lived in denial for a long time. But I tried to reassure OM isn't a factor and she then lied. She told me she tried very hard to overcome her feelings for him and wanted to love me but she just couldn't. I give her credit for her initial honesty. But it came too late, she checked out already and then denied it and got sucked in by her feelings, S me and totally let her feelings fly for him bc she thought its legitimate now. Then I found out, she realized it's morally not correct so now she wants D asap.

I just still don't know how to deal with a person that now is using my DB techniques against me, telling me the exact same things. She's empowering herself and validating everything for herself, even trying to convince me of it being ok. The initial M vow whatsoever is the big mistake, rest just followed it's destiny. And I almost believe it. There's truth in it...but it doesn't excuse S & D in the way that it happened...am I right? Sry I need to hear this again bc I am confused.


And now what am I doing??? It feels like if I don't play along, she'll play hard on me. It's just so ridiculous...How can I do this "right", the loving way without giving myself up...!?!?!

[Starsky309]

I will try to give you a more thorough answer later, as I'm out the door for my long commute home, but my short answer is "Never seek to 'play nice' with a person with whom you have a pending legal action." Appeasement is RARELY a wise legal strategy, just as neither is "goin' lookin' for trouble."

[Complex]

Thank you Starsky.
I need to talk to my DB coach about the new developments, but I only have 1 session left..
Thanks to anyone who has some decent advice about when D is becoming real.

Parallel to my efforts of detaching it feels like I 'recommitted' to my M. Instead of just letting it completely go, I have this feeling of complete understanding what went wrong, agree on our M wasn't fulfilling for neither one of us. But I have a vision of how a new R could work, it feels unreal tho. And obviously it's over, and I know it. As long as she is still working with OM the obstacle to gain feelings back is impossible.
Weird feeling that I feel recommitted in the worst of all times.

[Mozza]

I've met friends who got DB instinctively. They told me the same things I read in the book. I wouldn't read too much into it.