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Originally Posted By: Barry
I'm not a violent man, but I am capable of it and I'm worried I won't be able to control myself if/when that happens.
I'm certainly much more likely to get like that rather than sit back and let some guy F*** my wife whilst they laugh at me.



Hey Barry!!.. I'm going to fully catch up on your sitch shortly, but this comment you made has had me wanting to respond straight away..

Due to an old way of life and job I used to work, I HAD to be violent at times if the situation required it because it was a case of "it's either them or me".. Needless to say, I do know what I am doing in these situations, and I have seen and experienced things that no man/woman ever should..

Controlling it boils down to detachment with your W.. Flying off the hammer at OM or W isn't going to do anything positive for you.. Think of all the negatives and their repercussions though and see why I say that.. You seem like a smart enough fella and have already thought about that though!!..

About the OM laughing at you, I had feelings of the same thing initially, and you know what??.. I realised I was the one laughing at him..

Why??.. Well I had my W for the best years of her life, gave her her first child, first marriage and longest relationship by far as a surface scratcher.. What can OM give that I can't/haven't??.. A fresh face and that's about it.. He can't give my W her firsts, and nor can he duplicate ANYTHING we have done in our past.. He will NEVER be able to live up to me and is basically living in my shadow..

W may not see it like that, but the facts are on the table and that's all YOU have to look at if OM enters the picture.. Who will be laughing at who then??.. You will both probably be laughing at each other, but your laugh will have much more substance!!..

Just think, any time OM looks at your kids he is looking at YOU!!.. I could keep going, but you get the idea!!..

Stay strong buddy!!..

Last edited by LoveMyW; 01/30/15 11:59 PM.

Me:35 W:31
S6 + S9
T: 10 years M: 7 years
BD: 7/2014
S: 8/2014
W has new BF: 12/2014
Still fighting the good fight!!..
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Thanks LMW,

I know it wouldn't help and would almost certainly end any chances of a civil relationship with my W in the future. I guess every LBS thinks about it though.
I guess it's the feeling powerless to stop it that drives my anger about it.

As I say, it doesn't appear to be the case at the moment and maybe it won't get to that stage but after reading so many people's sitch's on this forum, I know that the likelihood is fairly high that it WILL happen. I shouldn't focus on it until it does as it does nothing positive for my mental state.

You're so right about all the firsts etc.
I just dont want them to be lasts as sad as that sounds.

Anyway, enough thoughts of that for now. I'm off out for a run, meeting with S13 this afternoon for a bit then need to help S18 sort the change of car out.

I met D15's boyfriend last night too, he seems a nice lad. She's a lot like her Mother so at least I know if he does anything wrong, she'll probably kick him to the curb! She seems quite smitten at this stage obviously.

I must step up my GAL activities, they have stalled a little in the last week.

Barry.


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
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Meeting with W for coffee in an hour.
I'm actually a bit nervous inside but won't let that show to her obviously.
I must remember the advice on here and think "what would the vets say".

We won't be talking about the R (unless she brings it up in any way of course but if she does, I'll just validate etc) but it's a small step in the right direction after 6 weeks of LC/NC. I must make her laugh, that's important and show confidence etc. So what if it's a bit fake at the moment, so long as it's believable!

Will update later.


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
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Ok, so a mixed meeting with W. Sorry, this may be a long post as I want to journal this.

We met and spent half an hour or so chit chatting about the kids, our extended family's news and what we've been up to etc. We were both relatively open about things, but I obviously kept some details back as per DB'ing. It was all very civil if not somewhat guarded from both of us.

She then asked if I wanted to go for a walk for a bit. We did talk about the R (she brought it up), and I just listened as much as I could, kept eye contact, validated, and asked the right questions. The gist of the whole conversation was that she doesn't feel any different about things, she is happier being by herself, and doesn't think we should be together for both our sakes. She doesn't see that changing and doesn't want me to feel like I'm just waiting for her to come around. She said if that was the case, we will put the house up for sale tomorrow and go our own ways. (She obviously sees selling the house the same way I do in that it will be a major step towards permanent S and D if we sell it).

She said that she hasn't sought any legal council and asked me if I had. I said no. As I've mentioned before, by UK law, we'd have to be S for 2 years before we can D, and we can work out the details in that time by ourselves if we can't R.

We then sat in my car for a while to continue the discussion. I said that I was disappointed that she was no longer wearing her rings. She said that they just didn't mean what they did to her (as well as being too big now - she looks to have lost weight). I just said that I understood but that I would continue to wear mine as we are still married and I that I am still standing.

She told me that the biggest thing to have changed over the last year is her, and she is really only thinking of her own happiness at the moment. I said that I could relate to that. She said that the pressure of me putting her above myself was stifling and too much to bear for her. I agreed and said that I understand how that would have made her feel.
She said that I must also have been happier since this happened without her making me miserable and I had to disagree to some extent. I said that I missed the kids, her, my home, my dog, and my life (if not so much the old feelings associated with it) and that because I don't feel the same as her in wanting to end things, I wasn't happy. I said that I had come to realise that I will be OK without her and that it was no longer a case that I needed to be with her, it was that I wanted to. It's not what she wants though.

She said that she's totally aware that this time is all we've ever wanted, dreamed of and worked towards..when the kids were older and we'd have "our time". She said that she is sad about it too because now we're here, she doesn't want it.
(I thought I could see a slight welling of the eyes here but she stopped it quickly).

She mentioned her best friend, and told me a couple of things that I'd said to her when I'd visited. I said that I wouldn't be doing that any more whilst we are S. Not because I don't like her (I don't as it happens) but that she is really only my friend by association and I didn't want things to be difficult for her. I did say that I was disappointed that she told her everything, but W said that it was more a case that she (W) had asked about certain things and her friend wouldn't lie or not tell the truth etc. That's fine, I know where I stand with the sitch there now so I will leave well alone.

She confirmed that she is out on the town tonight with her friend, but said that it was just that, and not a night out trying to meet anyone. She's happy on her own.
This lead me to say that I was concerned that as the weeks and months go by, this is going to change and she'll eventually meet someone. She just said "you might too", to which I said that I wouldn't be dating anyone, I don't want anyone else.
She didn't encourage me to, she just said that I was handsome and a good man and that I wouldn't have trouble with it should I want to. ** I'm thinking, check what you're saying W, if I'm such a catch..you can have me!!

She asked me if I really understood her when she said that as it stands, our M is over, done, finished, and that she doesn't see a way back. I said I did. (I was dying inside at this point - all I wanted to do was beg and plead etc, but thought of what I would have to tell you guys later!!).

I asked her if she understood ME when I said that I don't think that the problems we've had are insurmountable, and that I still loved her (I was trying not to say that but it slipped out) and wanted us to try and R. I said that I was aware that it may take a long time, and that there were no guarantees that it would work but that I wanted both of us to be able to look back on this and say we gave it every chance. She said she did.

I said that it was nice to see her, and asked if maybe we could do it again sometime, without all the R talk as we are nowhere near ready (if we ever will be) to do that. She said yes, but that I was not to consider it a "date day" in any way. I said I didn't and that I had no expectations.
I said that I would wait for her to initiate an invitation for our next meet-up (ok, ok, today's coffee was my idea - sorry guys) and she said that would be fine with her and she would be in touch. We had some final talk on some finance matters, I said have a nice time tonight and left.

I'm out myself tonight, but I'm going to a nearby city rather than the local town so we won't bump into each other.

My thoughts on this are that I can see it in her eyes that she is done with this M right now. Barring a miracle, she's not going to change her mind by ANY actions that I take. I won't give up hope entirely though and will continue with the DB ethos. Although this will see me in good stead for my future, I really don't think that it's going to work in drawing her back to me. That makes me sad of course but I'm also feeling more confident that I will be alright whatever happens.

Thoughts on how I did, or the sitch in general anyone?
All feedback welcome, but to the vets that have been following my story in particular...what do you think?

Barry.


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
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Not a vet Barry but you seem to do great. Tough for you to hear that from M but there is always hope. Keep o. Dbing and stay strong

Take care. Rd

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Not a vet. I'd say that for a beginner, you did very well. You seem to be good at learning and applying new lessons. It will serve you well.

I think you still pursued a little too much, but maybe you can undo that later, since you're very early in the sitch. What attracts the WAW eventually is the impression of losing something great. That means you need to look great and like she's losing you. Be yourself, be natural, but also be the best yourself you can be.

A lot of what she says about the marriage being over might be sincere, but it's also script. Use it to help you detach and focus on you. Remember that DBing is pretty much doing the same thing as if you were giving up, except that you're keeping the road to reconciliation open.

Have a healthy reflection on whether you were happy in this M. Yes, she took the initiative, but it's also possible that she has opened a door for you to a much better life. If it's too hard to consider now, give yourself a "safe space" of 10 minutes where you really consider it, knowing you can come back to your current thinking afterwards. It works for me.

Good luck.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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Thanks RD and Mozza.

It was really tough to hear her say as most of the emotional stuff we'd had over Xmas was clouding the messages (both ways) whereas this was two adults, talking quite calmly about something awful like the destruction of our M.
I did trip up a few times in saying the wrong thing or pursuing but I couldn't help it. She understood how difficult it was to hear for me and she wasn't being cold or callous about it at all like I'd experienced previously. She was just trying to be honest with me, and herself in saying that she feels that this M has run its course.

I still have a very faint glimmer of hope. I could see it in her today that she was genuinely sad about doing this, and although it's mind reading, I think there still may be a bit of doubt in there somewhere. It was almost like she was as much trying to convince herself as much as me that this is for the best.

You're right Mozza, in that I need to use this to detach.
I'm not giving up on this, but I really do have to face the facts that this is more than likely not going to go the way I'd like, and that I'm probably going to be a 40 year old ex-husband some time soon. I'm gutted about that.

Barry.


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
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Originally Posted By: Barry
Even if it's not meant to be in this order, my priorities would probably still be 1) children, 2) wife, 3) me. That's just the way I'm built.

Have you been recommended "No More Mr Nice Guy"? I'm reading it at the moment and there's a section that explains why this sorting of priorities is likely to make you lose your W and kids. There are a few other clues in your posts that tell me you would benefit from reading this book and the perspective it would give you about yourself. Also, it's very often recommended around here and informs the philosophy of several vets.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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I haven't read it Mozza, but I've see it mentioned on other threads.
I'll get it and give it a read, thanks for the recommendation.


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
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I think that's a great book suggestion for you, Barry. smile


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
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