Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 10 of 11 1 2 8 9 10 11
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Oh dear Pink - that's horrible. Would your H have been able to use his own account for this? It certainly doesn't sound appropriate for the joint account. H and I both have current accounts and the joint is used for family stuff.

I echo what RD has said. Do you know for sure he and she are using that hotel? I would also say - don't react. You already know they are having a PA. You don't need to confront any further. However, it sounds as though you will need to set a boundary on the use of this account. Maybe H didn't have sufficient funds in his own account to buy the room? (not trying to defend him, but just wondering...)

Sorry this is all a bit rotten. But as someone in an earlier post said - best to watch out for that anger, and just move forward with the plan you already have underway. This needn't change that plan, but may just strengthen your resolve to move forwards.

Sending best wishes and hugs to you.....(((((((PINK))))))))


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 303
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 303
Hey Pink, sorry you had to go through that. Much like Toots already said, do you know for sure that both of them used it that night? And does H have his own personal account he could have used? Although you already know that they are having a PA, I would still probably say something because it is entirely inappropriate to use your joint account for a hotel room on them...like Toots said, set a boundary.

Personally Id confront him about it, and say something like "H, what you choose to do with OW is your choice. But it is completely disrespectful to me and inappropriate for you to use our joint account for a hotel room for the two of you. I will not tolerate this." The words need some massaging but i think you get the gist of it...i wouldn't blow up at him because thats not going to do any good. Sorry you had to see that =/ hope you have a better day.

T


ME: 28
W: 24
M: 2.5yrs
T: 5yrs
BD: 22 SEP 14
W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
Pink

I agree, it will not serve you to know if he is there and with or without OW. Either way it is inappropriate for him to use the joint card for his personal stuff.

I would be factual about it, leave it until he is abroad and be cool about discussing your emotions:

H, there is charge on our joint card of $$$ for the Y Hotel. This is not a joint purchase and you should pay this bill, please pay an extra $$$ into our joint account to meet this when it is due. Please pay your sole expenditure through your own accounts.

I had exactly the same conversation with my H when he tried to put his golf stuff on a joint card. I got back 'sorry a mistake' and my response 'ok'.

I know golf does not equate to your H rubbish.

((((((Hugs))))))

Vanilla


Last edited by Vanilla; 01/30/15 06:00 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
J
Moderator
Offline
Moderator
J
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
Pink,

Couple of things.

It may feel like he's waving it under your nose, he isn't. He isn't decorating his car with having an affair balloons or anything. He isn't calling her in front of you...I understand how it feels but he really isn't rubbing your nose in it.

When this happened to me, I split the bank account. I took out half the money and created my own bank account. All the joint bills came out the one that was in both our names. But all my money went into my account first before I transferred any.

I also removed myself from any joint Credit cards.

A words about confronting the OW and Him.

If you do this, how do you see this going down? Is this going to wake him up is he going to see his loving wife calmly confront the vile temptress with too much makeup and saddlebag who seduced him away from her loving arms? Is he going to wake up from under her spell?

OR...

will you being there be a common enemy for both of them?

Have you ever tried to come between two people who were "in love" "soulmates" Maybe a good friend in highschool or college with a person who was totally wrong for them? How did that work out for you? Got left in the dust I'm willing to bet. That confrontation strengthened their resolve. Even if it more than likely didn't last for them.

Confronting her MIGHT make you feel better. Might also involve the police. Might bring them closer together...but it won't bring him back home.

Example: You are underage drinking at your friends house and your mom comes over and catches you, she yells at you all and demands you come home right away. How excited are you at the idea of going home and facing your mom?

Bettcha can't wait.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,004
P
Pink17 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,004
Yes I went there, just to make sure. I have his car keys, so I checked his car and there was no sign of OW. Nothing, not even a smell.

I did not see them. Did not stay there to check out what I already know. I found some receipts and one of them has a CC # I do not recognize. So, I will get H credit report to see if he has open a CC account and then my fears will be reality. He has been all over the place with the OW.

I wish it was not happening, but it is. I will move forward with the legal separation, basically the divorce as it is almost the same thing here in Colorado. I want the LS instead of a divorce just to make a point, that's all.

It will give me some independence, some peace of mind, some peace in my heart. I need this, I need to stop the roller coaster insanity and start having a life again.

My kids deserve better, I deserve better. H needs to get out of my life, my head and mainly my heart. He went too far. I can be a wild cat when someone hurts me, but I am a Lion when someone hurts my kids. I feel very regretful I gave my kids such bad father. He is never been very present and now he withdraw totally just because he is having this great adventure.

Things will change, they must change once for all.

Yes, I am extremely upset, unhappy, betrayed, hurt, mad, angry, and a little more angry. To the point that I can understand how it is possible someone to kill their partner. That crazy feeling gets to you.

H thinks that because he mention he wants a D that everything is done already. What a jerk.

I feel good that he is leaving the country tomorrow. I will have time to cool down and serve the papers to him when he comes back.
I hate feeling like a baby, always crying the milk spilled. It has just been a very hard time. I was never unfaithful to my H or anyone in my life. So,it don't just happen, it is a choice people make to engage in such behavior.

I am grateful though that I have some very good friends, people that go out of their way to check how I am doing, I have friends that calls me every day to chat and makes me feel better. It's amazing how many people loves me.

And then I have my online family, that always comes to the rescue when I am all over the place. It has been a blessing to be able to open my heart with no shame.

I am more positive about the decisions I took. And I am seriously thinking that I am not doing what I am suppose to do that is to get myself better, do a lot of stuff to change and be a brilliant person. I am really thinking that I am all over the fact that my H is having an affair and are all over the place having fun with this cheater OW that I am neglecting to take care after myself and reach my goals.

I know and have been experiencing that it is very hard to see and live all what is going on, but it's time to wake up for what DBing is about and it is time to make myself better and a person I want to be years down the road.

This weekend I will be very busy collecting all paperwork I need to start the process of a legal separation. Beginning of next week will deliver all paperwork to my L. Once all this paperwork is ready, I want to start planning the things I want to do, the things I can do and the things I can afford to do.

And, I am really sorry for not being active on your guys threads. It is very unfair to receive and not give anything. I am trying my best to get myself into a better place. I think next week will be a better one.

Love to all,
XOXO
Pink


Pink17
S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 303
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 303
Hey Pink, glad to hear from you. Just a couple thoughts...

Originally Posted By: Pink17
I want the LS instead of a divorce just to make a point, that's all.

It will give me some independence, some peace of mind, some peace in my heart. I need this, I need to stop the roller coaster insanity and start having a life again

Ok be very careful with this. And really ask yourself WHY do you want the LS. To make a point, IMHO, is not a good answer. Why do you feel that you cant have independence, peace of mind/heart, have a life without a LS? GAL can be done whether M, S, LS, or D? Why do you want this LS? If it is truly to protect your finances and your kids, then by all means I think it is a good thing. But if it is just to make a point, Id ask that you re-think this.
Originally Posted By: Pink17
I feel very regretful I gave my kids such bad father. He is never been very present and now he withdraw totally just because he is having this great adventure.

Things will change, they must change once for all.

Ok first, stop this thinking. You did not give your kids a bad father. Your H did that all on his own. Your job now is to continue to be a good mother. Let H worry about being a good father. If he steps out of line, then you can help fix that but as far as being a bad father, thats on him.

You sound like you are desperate for something, ANYTHING to happen. Again, Id really ask you to reconsider and ask yourself why are you doing what you are doing i.e. LS. If it is just because you are tired of this, please think it over. Don't do anything drastic simply because you are desperate for change. Ask what you really want.
Originally Posted By: Pink17

Once all this paperwork is ready, I want to start planning the things I want to do, the things I can do and the things I can afford to do.

Pink, why do you feel like you have to do this before you can start GAL? You are clearly hurt and having a bad day/week. But please please please, don't use this filing of LS as an excuse to start GAL or do things just for you. Because I guarantee you, if you do, you will find yourself right back in this place...

I hope you have a better day tomorrow Pink. Truly look at your sitch and ask yourself what you are doing and why, and if its for the best for YOU and your kids. Praying for you Pink...try and find something this weekend to occupy your mind and get it off H. I promise you, things are not as cheery as they may appear to be for him. What are you doing for the Superbowl this weekend? Are you a Seahawks or Patriots fan?


ME: 28
W: 24
M: 2.5yrs
T: 5yrs
BD: 22 SEP 14
W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,004
P
Pink17 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,004
Oh T, that is so cute... you are 28 years old and you are so smart, talented and gentle. You are awesome. Need to have a talk to that wife of yours and tell her what she is missing.

First, I want the Legal separation with the purpose to protect myself and my kids just in case H goes crazy spending a lot of money. We always had everything joint. And when I say everything I mean it all. So, before regretting it I will do it.

The reason I said I am making a point is about the Legal Separation or D. I am filling for a LS do make a point to H that if he wants the D, then he will need to do this himself and that's why I will do the LS. I refuse to file for D since it is not my decision or desire for it.

Regarding to being a good or bad father... I totally agree with you. It's my H responsibility to be a good father, to support his kids, to help them to grow up and be decent men. I guess I am just upset that he is so absent in their lives since it all start last august. I wish he could just understand all the damage he is doing to his kids.

But I understand, he will need to wake up and realize what is going on. And for me, I will be a good mom. I have always been and will do my best to support my kids, more like my teenagers.

And yes, about getting separate legally gives me a sense of fairness. I guess it is my bloody sense of honesty. I have been going out with friends, it's awkward when I know I am still married to him. And you are right, I am very tired of the whole situation.

I am not a very patient person, I like to know what to expect from what I do, I like to have my financial life under control and do things I want to do without fear, so with the separation it will also stop the the limbo, the fear of things going wrong and regretting being emotional and not practical.

I am convinced that if there is any possibility to get back together, it will happen with legal separation or not. The reality is that what I see going on now makes me believe that my hopes are getting really slimmer every day. My H just spent two weeks on a honeymoon with his lover and he is just so happy he can't remember he has a family. So be it. Lose it all, be on your own, if it works we will all survive and deal with our lives the best way we can and know. If it does not work, maybe H will come back, maybe I will want him back, and maybe we can start working on "US".

There is so much to heal, so I will deal with it if things change one day. My H is gone, the man he is now is not the man I was married before.

Well T, I need to start over and I will. It's just a matter of time. I will follow my path and for now it means I need to find what is important for myself.

And hey T, you sound really cute. Did I tell you that my whole college time I was in love with an air force pilot? Yeah, always had a thing for the uniform. I did grow up right beside the air force base.

SUPER BOWL... We are all PATS... we used to live in Boston before coming to Colorado. It's was a great place to live. I still miss the place and the people. I felt really good there and of course we will be all for the Pats. Besides the fact that Tom Brady's bud is gorgeous. But, we can't under estimate the Hawks because they are very talented as well, and they will fight hard during this game.
Not sure about the half time show though.

GO PATS. My boys are hoping for 28 to 24 pats.

XOXO
Pink


Pink17
S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,720
Hi pink.

TLEE86 has given you good advice. Your H is away for a couple if weeks so you have time. I'd say take the weekend for you and your kids, maybe plan something awesome for the Superbowl (its on in the middle of the night here)

Then you can start on the LS proper on Monday.

I hope your doing OK and that the next week is a good one


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 54
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 54
Hi pink,

Sitting here thinking about making the same choices with my W. I know I could wait till 12/2am and track wife's iphone drive to the hotel and pop up to the room to say hi to them both. But I don't think it will help anything even though I have a desperate need to know 100% and convince mysel I'm not crazy. Deep down I already know....


T:13 yrs M:11
Me: 36
Her: 33
Living apart
Her having affair
She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015
3 kids D13 S10 D10
D not mentioned yet

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,004
P
Pink17 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,004
Hi Jim,

My kids are all crazy about the Superbowl. It's the first year that H is not home for it. I asked the boys to have some of their friends over but they don't want. I will respect that, they have a very big connection in football regarding their dad, so it may be their way of coping with all this.

Next week I will also look for a good IC for my kids. Someone that is good with teenagers. I am lucky my kids are very good young man and are doing superb in school. But their anger against their father is not a good sign for a long run.

I am somewhat doing OK. Something tells me this is not over yet. There are so much questions with no answers, there are so many gaps between H and I, I think when time comes and things will settle that's when it will hit hard. Maybe not, maybe it is just my own desire that H is indeed a good person. But, maybe he is done with me and will be happy to get rid of me for good. We will see.

Everyone, including my IC says that the whole adventure is very new and very exciting. But as reality settles in, H will then realize that the grass is not greener in the other side. He will start that feeling once his financials go down the drain.

I will take it easy for now. The one thing that still hurts me the most. And this is being very honest with myself. Is the Rejection. It has been hard to accept that my H is having so much fun with OW and left me with the whole responsibility. For the most part it hurt a lot to think that he is hugging, kissing and making love with her.

I know I should not think about this, but I do and it makes me angry. So I need to work on that to just let go. I also know, that once I let go on that, then I will start detaching. My ego is hurt and I need to find the way to get rid of this kind of feeling. I also know that eventually that will also be gone. I also have this fear that if I let go on this feelings that I will stop loving my H the same way I love him now.

Why I feel this way? I honestly don't know. I have been stubborn even knowing that it is what I am doing. It's kind of crazy to think that I am doing this to myself, but I need to be honest to myself and I know what I am doing.

I have a great desire to start doing some things I dream about. So I think my head is starting to shift and I see a good sign of hope to be someone happy down the road.

GO PATS. Its all football this weekend.

Hugs,
Pink


Pink17
S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



Page 10 of 11 1 2 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard