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Had a nice weekend and got SO much done. I just can't seem to stop moving, cleaning and rearranging things in the house. I moved some of H's shirts in the closet to make more room for my shoes. I put some pictures out of my family, some great shots of my grandparents in Sicily. They look straight up mafia smile I nailed a board back up on the wall that covered the ceiling fan wires. I hung our dart board back up from when the wall was painted. I emptied the hot tub to clean it and get it ready for spring and summer and cleaned up the back yard. I can't seem to sit still.

H came over about 2 to get son and take down the christmas lights on the house. I finally remembered to ask him, I couldn't bring myself to climb up on the roof otherwise I would have done it myself. I was telling him how I figured out how to drain the hot tub with the hose and he laughed and asked how I did it. So I explained. He just looked at me and asked if he could suggest a better way. I said, but I did it! I was so excited I ran in the house to tell S! It's not easy getting a hose to suck up water on its own! H said, next time just call me and ask, then went on to explain his way. At the time, I just listened, but now I am wishing I had said no thanks, I got it! I wonder, with his attitude, does it bother him that I am doing so much on my own in the house? He must be noticing things changed, furniture moved, projects finished.....and I am figuring it out and doing it on my own. It feels great!

H said he has his company party next Saturday. He said he wasn't planning on going, but they want him to hand out some awards. I told him that's fine, I will take S, but that I have a party the following weekend that I want to go to. He said ok, then asked if it's my friends 50 birthday party? I told him yes. He said ok, but I was invited too. H is friends with her husband. So I said, are you going? I am sure I sounded surprised. These are friends we always did stuff with and who he dropped at BD. He said he was thinking of it. So I said ok, maybe your mom can watch S? So, wow, I may be at a party with H there. That should be interesting....

The house is so empty without S. I finished watching a movie, Silver Lining Playbook, was good. Now I think I will start the fun of TurboTax! I am forcing myself to sit still and enjoy the down time and quiet. But sometimes, it's almost too quiet frown


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Good for you Mleigh. I just starting using an empty drawer in H's armoire. Isn't that sad? D16 took down all his pictures months ago but I kept his spare toothbrush in the holder until just last week.

I know you'll have some rough spots but you have the right idea. Maybe I need to rearrange my family room?


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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Wow! You are definitely on a roll! Isn't it nice to get things done and you are able to figure things out for yourself? Your home is starting to feel more like you now....isn't it?

You are doing well...keep up the good work!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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mleigh

As always you are rockin it ... who cares how you emptied that tub .. its done. I would think H is noticing you and the changes, then again the MLC'rs are so self absorbed he may not give it much thought right now.... but later he might see that you are doing your thing regardless of his crazy.

Keep going ... they say there is bacon


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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mleigh4 Offline OP
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Thanks guys! I have always been independent, watched my mom do it all on her own growing up. But, it feels especially empowering right now.

Gwen, we all move at our own pace. The only thing sad is the sitch. I think you are doing great!

So, when H picked up S yesterday, he came in his work minivan. I have no idea why he is driving his work van around on the weekend. There are no back seats, so S has to sit in the front seat. Not safe for a 43 pound 8 year old. I don't know why H was in that instead of his truck, but it irked me. He drove S around like that, shopping and stuff. He is normally so over protective about that kind of stuff! So at pick up, H asked if he could drop off S in the morning for me to take to school because he had to be in San Francisco early. I said yes of course. So this morning at drop off, I mentioned to H that it would be safest to limit S time in the minivan because of safety. He got a bit defensive, argued about air bags, then left with no bye. Oh, and before that, he mentioned that he forgot he had time cards to do this morning so he spent all morning on the phone rearranging his San Francisco meeting.

Their minds really are mud, huh?


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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mleigh ... lol, my 8 yr old is 85 lbs ... he begs to ride in front, nope. I agree with your concern on the back seat, and dealing with a logical issue and an MLC'r is never fun.

Yes they had mush in the noggin for sure, I laughed last night as S is telling W something that happened at school, she asked a question and even my 8 year old got frustrated as he just told her, after the call he asked me... "Dad how come Mom never listens?" I just shrugged and said "I have no idea buddy... go brush" ....lol


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mleigh4 Offline OP
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Lots going on in my head these last few days. I'm not sure why, might just be hormonal, not sure.

Still riding on a high PMA. Love, love, love my home these days. It's back to being a home again. I was a little worried about how I would feel once H moved, but a month and a half into it, I think it is the best gift he has given me in years. Not that I want any of this, but in dealing with the man he has become. It's best he "finds himself" somewhere else. I feel daily gratitude that I don't have it in my face anymore.

With that being said, I also am experiencing the anger feelings again. I think of him, and see a person who's marriage got a little tough, a lot boring, so decided on flight instead of fight. Someone who decided to throw in the towel and contemplate starting a new life. Who thinks of marriage and commitment, loyalty and faithfulness, as something you give up when times get tough. It infuriates me. I am so disappointed in him, and my mistake, should I have seen this coming? Who did I marry?

Then, I hear your voices. Ya, you actually have voices to me smile I hear, this is an illness. A type of depression. Something I could not have seen coming. Something that would have happened anyway. Most of the time, I can understand this. Then I have these days....

If anyone can suggest any good books to help me more to understand what H may be going through, I would love to know. I am an avid reader and want to learn more about this. I believe I am starting on a healing process. I have accepted the situation, I guess I am trying to understand it so I don't have these hateful feelings for someone I love so much.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Originally Posted By: mleigh4


With that being said, I also am experiencing the anger feelings again. I think of him, and see a person who's marriage got a little tough, a lot boring, so decided on flight instead of fight. Someone who decided to throw in the towel and contemplate starting a new life. Who thinks of marriage and commitment, loyalty and faithfulness, as something you give up when times get tough. It infuriates me. I am so disappointed in him, and my mistake, should I have seen this coming? Who did I marry?



Mleigh

I could have written this ... word for freaking word. I see it in my MLCr in just normal things, to hard .. toss hands up .. quit. I am not sure if she has always been this way, maybe they get a bit worse or maybe we are just sensitive to it.

The voice thing ... I hope mine is a cool morning show DJ type voice ... just puttin that request in there.

So as far as the reading thing .. I know the site gets its feathers up a bit suggesting books and what not. I see similarities in you, for some time I have read, read .. and read some more about the MLC, the traits, trying to gather information .. some good .. some not so good for me honestly. I think for me realizing 1.) There is really nothing we can do for them now, can not fix em regardless of the awesome tool box we have ... they have to fix themselves and 2.) I was reading for 2 reasons... the first ... to be honest .. knowing I am smarter than anyone on the planet, I would find the magic cure (yes I am laughing as I typed that) so after I jettisoned that idea, I read things about me ... not your typical self help books, ones that got to the core of MY issues .... and some that actually fed into the MLC and the destruction of my marriage. Am I to blame for her MLC .. no... would have happened anyways ... BUT I could work on me, who knows .. in time I am going to be one heck of a mate to someone, no-one, maybe just a great dad and that's fine by me.

The things I had to dig into ... I can share .. but I am sensitive about not making this post about me .. its about you and lending support. That whole time is a gift thing, its said for this reason, you get a chance to take a step back, look in the mirror, maybe fix a few of those things that you know you can work on when you are honest with yourself.

As far as those anger feelings, don't beat yourself up .. they are normal and part of the healing process ... if we do not have them then there is something to worry about ya know?


M: 48
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M16 T26-S8
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Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
Originally Posted By: mleigh4


With that being said, I also am experiencing the anger feelings again. I think of him, and see a person who's marriage got a little tough, a lot boring, so decided on flight instead of fight. Someone who decided to throw in the towel and contemplate starting a new life. Who thinks of marriage and commitment, loyalty and faithfulness, as something you give up when times get tough. It infuriates me. I am so disappointed in him, and my mistake, should I have seen this coming? Who did I marry?



Mleigh

I could have written this ... word for freaking word. I see it in my MLCr in just normal things, to hard .. toss hands up .. quit. I am not sure if she has always been this way, maybe they get a bit worse or maybe we are just sensitive to it.

The voice thing ... I hope mine is a cool morning show DJ type voice ... just puttin that request in there.

So as far as the reading thing .. I know the site gets its feathers up a bit suggesting books and what not. I see similarities in you, for some time I have read, read .. and read some more about the MLC, the traits, trying to gather information .. some good .. some not so good for me honestly. I think for me realizing 1.) There is really nothing we can do for them now, can not fix em regardless of the awesome tool box we have ... they have to fix themselves and 2.) I was reading for 2 reasons... the first ... to be honest .. knowing I am smarter than anyone on the planet, I would find the magic cure (yes I am laughing as I typed that) so after I jettisoned that idea, I read things about me ... not your typical self help books, ones that got to the core of MY issues .... and some that actually fed into the MLC and the destruction of my marriage. Am I to blame for her MLC .. no... would have happened anyways ... BUT I could work on me, who knows .. in time I am going to be one heck of a mate to someone, no-one, maybe just a great dad and that's fine by me.

The things I had to dig into ... I can share .. but I am sensitive about not making this post about me .. its about you and lending support. That whole time is a gift thing, its said for this reason, you get a chance to take a step back, look in the mirror, maybe fix a few of those things that you know you can work on when you are honest with yourself.

As far as those anger feelings, don't beat yourself up .. they are normal and part of the healing process ... if we do not have them then there is something to worry about ya know?


I could have written all of that as well!

I think that's what so comforting (if anything is comforting right now) through all of this... The similarities in so many of our sitches really drives home the point for me that 1) MLC is about them, not us although 2) we do have our own journey to take in order to make it through this and become a much better version of ourselves no matter what the outcome, and 3) this really would have happened regardless of who they were with at the age that this hit them...

Do I still get angry that this happened to my life? Heck yes! But I totally get that MLC causes people (our spouses) to all do so many of the exact same things -- including what you wrote about throwing in the towel on the R/M without giving us a fair shot at really working on fixing things. So I do feel anger about that, but understanding what happened to my W really helps me have some compassion for what she is going through. That doesn't make any of it right or fair -- but it helps me retain an unconditional love for her while I also work on detaching enough to go on my own journey.

And to answer your last two questions... Based on my personal experience and what I've read on this site and other related sites:

Should you have seen this coming? I don't think any of us could... Unless we'd been through it before with someone else. I know I never saw this hurricane coming... it formed right off the coast in the dead of the night, increased in intensity very rapidly, and moved in at Cat 5 strength before I knew what was coming. Prior to that it was mostly sunny skies with an occasional short rain storm, but mostly really pleasant weather.

Who did you marry? You married the person you thought you did... Just like I did and just like everyone else here did. We just didn't know that those people had ticking time bombs inside of them that would wreck them as well as everything in their lives. Some of us might have one of those time bombs inside of us too -- I don't think I do because I think over the years I've gone through various experiences that allowed me to work through many of my childhood/adolescent issues, but I still have some issues and now that I know about all of this (MLC) I hope that I can avoid wrecking my life in this manner.


Me 48, Her 50
(Same-Sex Couple)
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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Cali. Your voice is kind of deep, very comforting and nice, not to get too mushy! Lol. Your comment made me bust up.

Thank you Cali and Jer2911 for both of your posts. One thing I see loud and clear is the message that I need to take the focus off H and "why" and put it back on me. I seem to have gotten a little derailed again.

I guess part of the problem for me is that I really don't know much about H childhood. I really thought I was joining a family who had it all together, something I never had. I was way off. H doesn't talk about himself much. I know he lost his best friend in high school, was a freak accident with his heart. And I know he was not happy when his parents divorced, he was out of school I believe. But he never said much more than that. I assume one of those major things, or both, he never really got over. And over the years, I have realized he has no relationship with his 2 sisters, his mom is extremely passive aggressive and "fake happy", and his dad is a bit in denial of his son and hard to please. So I gather his childhood had some hefty issues going on and I see a real lack of connection in his family.

I will refocus on me and try to stop figuring this out. On a better note, I get the feeling I am crossing H's mind lately. The other day he TM that he was driving in SF. It's an inside joke of sorts as he HATES driving in SF. So I replied some funny comments back. Then last night he brought me some suckers from See's candy. Said he got all the favors because he doesn't know what I like. I am not reading into it, may just be temp checking, but it means I cross his mind which I think is good.

So I will keep on keeping on. Anger is there, but in check. No use letting it out on H. That reminds me. I had a headache last night, went to grab some Tylenol, it's all gone. We had about 3 giant Costco containers of different pain meds, they are all gone. I thought to myself, what the *ell did I do to you that was so bad!!?. He couldn't just leave me 1 bottle, or a few pills out of it!? Gggrrrrrrr


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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