The awakening of me Part 3

[mleigh4]

Just rereading your posts above and again want to thank you. You both remind me that I am on my own journey and have been given a gift of time, a blessing during this bit of madness.

When this all blew up, I started reading MLC books like crazy. Some helped, but some actually made me feel worse, more anxious. I stopped reading for that exact reason and figured maybe later, when I am ready. One thing I know for sure, this site has helped me more than any book, friend or therapist.

You all have taught me how important it is to let go. To let go of my fear, to let go of trying so hard to fix this. To let go of my H and give him the time and space he needs right now. I am able to do that out of an unconditional love I never knew I had in me, that you all helped to bring out. I am angry with him, but I love him, I am here for him and plan on continuing to stand because I believe in him and us.

Another thing your postings have taught me is compassion and patience. I have learned to use these traits daily in my life. I work in a busy and high stress field, in escrow, and in the past would get very frustrated with interruptions by people that would keep me from getting my work done. Today, my boss complimented me, said she is amazed at how much patience I have shown that is reflected in my daily customer service with people in this past year. While I am trying to get my files closed, random people are constantly walking in, needing this or that. With property issues, there are usually death and divorce issues. I now stop and really listen, do my best to help them with what they need, with a genuine concern. I would have never gotten here, without this experience. I see this compassion come out in me, every day in different ways, with friends, my pets, and it feels good.

So I hurt, And sometimes I cry and sometimes I punch my pillow and wonder what I did to deserve this. But most days, actually almost every day, I look at this as a really tough learning experience. A big life lesson. So I pay attention, listen and do my best to grasp what it is I need to learn from this and change about myself. I learn by making a change and realizing how good it feels to me. I see a new person emerging out of me and she is pretty cool.

Thank you guys, for standing by me, supporting me and listening to me. I don't post very much, I don't feel like I can really give much advise as I am still learning. However I root for you all and appreciate all the postings and opinions on here.

[123Gwen]

MLeigh, your posts always make me feel better. I can relate so much to what you are saying about unconditional love and how we are learning through all this.

Wishing you peace and a future full of limitless possibilities.

[Matt165]

You sound great Leigh! It's not the trials that we go through in our lives that define us, it's how we handle them that does. You have taken the pain and turned it into a way to see the hurt so many are also dealing with every day. That says so much about who you REALLY are. And that person is pretty darn great! Keep moving forward, there are so many people who need someone like you in their life!

[mleigh4]

Gwen and Matt, thank you so much for your kind words. It's much needed. I see myself making progress on my journey, but I have been having an emotional week.

So, wow, had a bit of a night with H tonight. We had planned on H taking S tonight. H came over about 6:30 to pick S up. S was laying down. He gets constipated sometimes and it takes it's toll on him. So H sits with him and I hear him ask S if he is ready to go. I hear S tell him he doesn't want to stay the night over there. So H asked, tonight or always? S answered always.

Well crap, I see a storm coming. So they talk a little, and H too easily says if you don't come tonight, then how about Monday night? Well, H always sticks to spending time with S on his nights, so my BS radar went off. So H comes to me with this idea. So I say, what's the real thing you want to do tonight? Because I know your decision is about you, not S.

Oh ya, warning, bad DB tactics coming up.

So H insists that S isn't feeling well, and he doesn't want to drag him out, so Monday night works. Then he goes on to say he is ready to set a schedule, Monday nights, Thursday nights, and every other weekend. I tell H I am not ready to be away from him an entire weekend, and that we should talk about that on our own. (Not in front of S) So he says, let's do it now. So we go in the other room and he starts throwing at me that I am using S against him. So I tell him his relationship with S is his to figure out. He tells me that I throw S at him by saying things like this is his choice and his fault he barely sees S. I told him, it is! I continued on that S and I don't want this, that custody back and forth is hard on us and we need to ease into it. I went on a mini spew that all relationships get tough, that you don't rip your family apart, that I am his family, yada yada. Ugh, it all just came out. He started in on his years of feeling like an outsider, so I told him he alienated himself by not ever joining us, we always asked him too! I did not do a good job of validating, I will admit. I didn't blame, but I said it was both of us. I told him it's not fair to blame me for his unhappiness, that he needs to look in the mirror. He said he doesn't blame me, that he just thinks people are not happy when they are married. I finished by saying our problem was that we focused too much on what we were not getting, and not on what we were giving. I then told him I think he should go.

So we returned back to S, with nothing resolved. I grabbed my water and went to my room because I know that most likely did no good at all. I pulled myself together, and in he comes. So he says S will stay home tonight, but can he take dog? I started laughing and said of course. I then told him I don't want to fight and let him know this really isn't a good time to talk to me due to hormones. A light bulb went off and he said ok. He then said that he assumes I think he is out partying and having fun, but he said this has been hard on him too. He said he is not having fun and is doing what he is supposed to, reading, thinking, and went to talk to a therapist. I said ok, was kind of shocked to be honest, but just said ok. He said he just wants to spend time with S. I told him I want that too, that it just makes me feel angry and emotional that I worked so hard to have him, and now I have to learn how to have him part time. I told him it really [censored]. He said he understood.

So we agreed on a partial schedule, still some bugs to work out. We both agreed that we were starving and not expecting the night to go like this. I heated him up a piece of pizza to go, and him and dog left.

[mleigh4]

So I am slow to process things. After last night and having time to think it through, there are a few things I got out of this.

In the past times I had mini blowups, it would feel good after to get it out. This time, IDK, doesn't feel the same. I regret my judgmental statements. I know it's best he is out of the house and I do believe it's good for him to have that space. It's our only chance and I don't want to come across to him like I feel differently. It's the issue of S that sets me off. It's really hard knowing S doesn't want to stay with H and brings out that mama bear in me. But the situation is what it is.....whether I like it or not....and S needs to spend time with dad. I need to work on the frustration I feel and keep my reactions in check.

I did, however, get a few things out of the conversation. The best being that he is working on himself by reading and therapy. I know MLCr's lie, but I don't get the feeling he did. I am surprised he is doing that so soon, I didn't see that happening for a long time.

Also, when talking about a custody schedule and getting nowhere, I suggested that maybe we should sit down and talk with someone to help us sort that out, like a mediator. He immediately said he doesn't want to sit down with anyone, that he wants us to work this out on our own. That surprised me because he was first pushing at divorce, then mediation, so I figured he would jump at that, to get the ball rolling. He also warned me that in mediation, they would most likely say 50/50 and he knows I don't want that. So he feels going that route would not be a good idea.

So I suppose I can see some positives in the talk. It kills me, his statement that he "thinks people just are not happy when married" Like marriage and kids are just a ball and chain. We know A marriage is what you make it. I hope he can figure that out. but at least, I was not getting the blame game. He even said it wasn't my fault, just marriage in general. That is a huge change.

Also at one point he accused me of never wanting him to have his own life and I replied oh yeah, cuz I am such a B. And he said yeah, and I am a big D. I told him no, actually I don't think that, I know what a good person he is, or at least who he used to be. I guess it's a compliment with a sting?

Time to regroup and keep myself busy. H will be dropping the dog off soon. I will be getting myself and S ready to start the shared custody schedule since it seems H is now ready for that. Also didn't see that happening for a while. H keeps me on my toes! As long as I can prepare myself I should be ok. It's important for all of us that they spend time together.