Old dog seeks new trick 7

[Old Dog]

Already texted a friend about meeting upon Sunday.

[Old Dog]

Oh dear. A bit of a backslide has occurred.

WAW returned from her awards night just now, for which I had taken a day off to be with the kids, and we had a discussion in which she became a little heated.

She said she was going out this evening to the theatre. I asked who with and she said her ex boss. I asked if this was the same person who she went out with the other week to which she said yes. I asked what's going on and she said they're dating.

I reminded her that she is married and she reminded me that 8 months ago she said it was over for her. It had run its course. I countered that our wedding vows include the phrase for better or worse and asked why she didn't think there was anything we could do she said she had tried and it had died before then which was why we hadn't had intimate relations for goodness knows how long.

She said again I should not hold out any hope, it over. There is no hope. I said I do have hope but it's the expectation that she gets me. I said I don't think you've treated me fairly, given me a chance. She reminded me that we went to MC a few years ago. I can't remember what I said but it was just talk not SBT.

She is frustrated and hates seeing me hurt but said I need to move on. We are just co-parenting now as far as she is concerned. I was fairly calm, didn't raise my voice at all even when she did although it didn't escalate to shouting.

Well at least it's become a bit clearer now. And I actually don't feel so low about it because it's what I expected. So what I need to do now is forget about her, GAL, look at our finances and sell the house.

Try not to be bitter in the face of such intransigence.

I've just lined up an interview for this afternoon as well if the fella gets back from a meeting in time. I don't know if I'd want it after this though. Perhaps I should just move down to where my job is and stay with my mum when I come back to see the boys.

Oh no, tears :-(

[Vanilla]

GAL requires third party involvement...

Great suggestions V on how to make that GAL list more SMART.

I did want to challenge you on the above though. Surely if OD went bungy jumping or took up diving or developed a fondness for say macrame then those would count as GAL? Besides which, I think there needs to be some allowances for introverts*. Maybe even a weighted score? +1 for extroverts doing GAL with third party, +1.2 for introverts doing GAL with third party?

(Not saying you're an introvert OD, just coming to the defence of introverts everywhere)

* includes extroverts with social anxiety and extroverted introverts

Of course- those activities are solitary but not done at home in the bath! So do them in a gym with others there must be interactions etc. Maybe extroverts should have points deducted?

V

[Old Dog]

So this is it then. She's just told me as the theatre is in ...... which is a little over an hour away, she won't be back tonight.

I didn't respond. But I'm absolutely livid inside. How dare she? Who is this callous ****. I'm afraid it's getting to me as I find I flick the Vs at her when she's gone and curse her.

What a crap day.

And I have a huge urge to tell the kids she's now cheating.

[SunnyB]

OD, I'm sorry it has played out this way.

As far as the kids, don't you think they know already? They aren't babies. My kids figured it out pretty quickly.

Now you are in a spot to decide what to do next. You've been toying with the idea of moving out anyway, maybe this is the time. Something to think about.

[Old Dog]

Thanks RP. No I don't think they do know.

Soemthing to think about indeed. At the moment, I feel like gathering up all my stuff right now so when she returns tomorrow, I'll have gone.

Crying swearing a lot at the minute. Good job the kids are upatairs.

[Maybell]

I don't understand your W. Why would she agree that you continue living together if she considers herself separated from you? Why does she think her behavior is OK?

I'm sorry this is happening, OD. I don't know what to tell you except keep on with the GAL and figure out how you want to live. But your current set-up is abusive in my mind.

BTW, I think it's worthwhile for you to follow through on the interview since it would give you the opportunity to enrich your relationship with your boys.

And don't think your boys can't tell what's going on. It's not like she's hiding things. Just because they haven't said anything specific to you... it may be that your relationship with them is not close enough for them to go there with you.

And that being said, I think you have a fair amount of room for improvement in your relationship with them and that's an excellent place to put your focus. (for example, not buying a gift of your own for your son's birthday) Hope that doesn't sound too harsh -- but I'll tell you, my kids saved my life. Yours should be a big part of your GAL.

[Old Dog]

I don't know. I think she wanted to protect the kids as much as possible. We said to them last September that nothing would change for them and indeed it hasn't. The only difference is between us: She has given me more of this wonderful space to bounce around in.

She was the one who suggested an unconventional relationship where we stay under the same roof, but she mention it would involve cheating.

[SunnyB]

OD, I wanted to protect my kids like crazy. I allowed H to have his freedom and pretend like everything was OK for 7 months before he insisted on telling the kids and moving out. BUT, the big difference was that H kept to a reasonable schedule, came home every night (with one glaring exception), stuck around on the weekends (mostly). We didn't have one single conversation about the duck, not one. He never indicated when he was going to be with her (I couldn't distinguish it from a business dinner), and I never once accused him of seeing her. I believe if he'd been throwing it in my face by talking about it and not coming home, that would have been a hard line for me. I know for sure that the second time he didn't come home his clothes would have been there to greet him on the sidewalk next morning. For sure.

[Sotto]

OD, I'm so sorry to hear about this development - that's horrible for you. Sounds like your W wants to maintain the family unit, but be free to 'date' (or have a PA) outside of that.

Funny you know, a few weeks before BD, my H told me about a colleague who cheated on his W more than once and they split a couple of times, before agreeing to have an open marriage. He says they are both happy with that now. He told the story as though it was a happy ending, but I thought that was a lot of pain to go through to get to that point. In hindsight, I know where his mind was going at the time! Another sign that he was having an A that I missed.

It sounds as though you need to be at home tonight for your boys - but after that, you may want to have a think about what your plans are. Do you need to distance yourself before you can have another conversation about this with her?

I suppose on the plus side (and this may feel like a small plus now, but you'll be glad in time) she is telling you this. Of course, she may not be telling you everything. From the ipad note you found, she may have been in an EA/PA for some time. Do you know anything about his circumstances? Is he M too?

For you presumably, it is time to think about boundaries and what you are/are not prepared to live with. Your W will do what she will do - and possibly for a while. But you also have some control here, and can decide what you want to do too. Starsky's sitch may be a helpful one to have a look at if you want to consider a strong stance from the outset.

Keep posting DB - your DB buddies are all here for you, and we'll help as best we can.

I'm sending you a little kiss and a hug (((((x(((OD)))))x)))