Wife Still in MLC but has now Left #8

[Matt165]

I hear you AJ,
It would actually be easier if I just was trying to be a better parent than W. That wouldn't be hard considering she does almost nothing for either of the girls. Just today I had to drive my D19's new ATM card to her in the city where she lives. Someone got ahold of her card numbers and tried to steal from her acct. The bank caught it but had to cancel her card and issue her a new one. This left her without a way to get ahold of money since last week. Since she has no car, I had no choice but to take the 3 hours to drive up there and back (having to leave my new job earlier than I wanted) to give her her new card (it was sent to my home as that is the address on record for her bank). There is no way that W would have done this and D19 knows that. Heck, she won't even give her a medical card.

I worry about what will happen if W ever does find someone (other than her father) that eggs her on. At this point, only her father thinks she is doing the "right thing for her". I think it makes it so much harder for the MLCer to make it through when they have someone as damaged as they are in their lives. Once her father is gone, I really think it will actually be helpful for her to do the work on herself that really needs to be done. Of course, she may not ever do that work but she really needs to if she ever wants to find peace.

At least you are close to having the kids get old enough to make their own choices and forge their own R with their mother. I will tell you from experience with D19, just because they are over 18 doesn't mean they don't need their mom (and you as well). D19 really misses her mom.

Thanks for getting in touch and sharing!

[TSquared2]

Hey ya Matt,

Please re-read and absorb what AJ wrote up there ^^^.

When stbxw first moved out, I have to admit to being in competition to being the better parent than she was...us guys are competitive by nature, I think. But that has gone away now, I'm just me, being the best me and father I can. For me, the key was to just stop caring about what she was thinking, doing, whatever. Doesn't matter anymore.

She fired me, and I'm not one to go on worrying, fretting, giving headspace to a former employer who fired me, ya know? This isn't much different, if different at all.

Quit looking over at her sandbox, and the cat turds in it now, and imagining the future cat turds that will be there ...

You don't want to get any on you (I love that UR phrase, so accurate).

Only spend time and effort (mentally, spiritually and physically) on things you can control...your stbxw is in God's hands now...any time spent on her is better spent working on you, your new job, new life and your D's.

I am really proud of how you have prioritized things and turned your life around, I knew you could do it. You got the ball rolling, keep the momentum going there and the rest will play out as it will.

Be the rock for your kids, they see it, and HAVE seen it all along. They know the truth, and you will be validated, it may take a while with teens, but you will... have no doubt.

Keep going, you got this!

[Wonka]

Matt,

If she did....

If she would....

If she could...

If she thought...

That is like expecting a cat to bark (to borrow from Bets). Your W is traveling on a Yellow Brick Road all by her lonesome self with Toto. You don't need to walk on the same path alongside her.

Eventually, the flying monkeys will get to her--NOT YOU if you stay away from the Yellow Brick Road. Whatcha gonna do? Have her admitted to the Nut Farm?

Nope.

Focus on what you and Ds CAN do together. Because it's within your control.

[Karma12]

Wow...that's great advice from Wonka.

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=Matt165],
It would actually be easier if I just was trying to be a better parent than W. That wouldn't be hard considering she does almost nothing for either of the girls.


Matt,

I'm sorry things are still such a drag for you. That is bad news.

So this may seem like a bit of an unfair 2 x 4, but I hope you'll take it in the spirit in which it's given, which is to be constructive.

And hey, Hear me out, please.

Matt, You started here about 9-10 months ago.

I recall you back on your very first post. I remember how you told us all how your wife had behaved and misbehaved. You sure seemed to think it was an MLC and you still call it that, but her history showed quite some time with odd unhealthy behaviors.

I'm still not very thrilled or concerned with all the "MLC" and "WAS" labels we put on things.

Labels can cause us to over simplify OR overcomplicate situations, so we need to be careful,

and since our own course of action is mostly the same --

e.g., to Detach, 180s, work on ourselves, take care of our children, learn to let go, ONLY focus on that which we can control, take the focus off of the spouse,

AND all of these ^^ actions are the same for us, regardless of what our spouse is doing which is KEY to you understanding my point.

Back in April,

You gave us a lot of Her history and her troubled childhood, the role her absentee father had (or rather, the role his absence and abandonment played in her life, as you saw it.) Lots of stuff about her past and her depression and her struggles.

I said she obviously needed help, but even with help, she might not become who you want or need her to become (and evidently that is the case). Many of us also reiterated you'd have to stop focussing on her, and start making this about how You want to LIVE, and not about what she'd do/think/feel next.

Nearly all of your posts back then, were about your wife.

Thing is, they still are.

When we get mired in the mess our spouses create, we must get out of the mess and forge new paths for ourselves.

This is vitally important to us. We are and have always been the only ones in charge of our lives. We are and have always been in charge of our own happiness. At some point we cannot keep blaming our spouses for our misery, b/c WE are not their responsibility.

When there are children involved, all of this^^ empowerment, is exponentially more important. YOU must model new behaviors for your d's.

In other words, stop making your wife the center of the soap opera. Stop all the drama.

You must GAL to detach; AND

you have to Detach to heal; AND

you have to heal to model that vital life lesson for your d's, and for YOU, so you can be happy; AND

you have to start doing all this yesterday.

More than ever, Your d's are watching you and they need to know that you are their rock.

You are NOT a rock if you keep making this all about your wife. No more victimhood ("wife did this to us/me and wife did NOT do this for us/me"...enough Matt.)
You are not powerless.
Do you see that your wife has no control over you----Other than what you hand over to her?

So don't give her any more of YOUR power.

Your wife has issues. We know. We get it. IF this were a contest, you'd win, Okay?

HER issues are NOT yours. HER issues are NOT your daughter's.

So Don't let them be. Protect your daughters and celebrate your ability to do so.

Embrace this & see it as the chance you have to be their knight in shining armor.

Your wife is AWOL now. She might always be.

Whether it's a psychiatric condition and PTSD, AND OR bi-polar AND OR a combination,

AND OR she's simply a really selfish person AND OR a very needy person with a very weird relationship with her dad, does not really matter. The effect is the same.

You also talked way back then about "fairness" in life.

YOU WROTE:



You are so right about my looking for the "why". I think that is because I want to believe that there is more fundamental fairness in the world.


i understand this b/c for those of us who have put in the time and effort and know we gave more than we got, it mattered. I'm a lawyer by training, and "justice & equity" and fairness were long time themes in my life.

I get this^^. I swear, I do.

But I hope by now Matt, you have gotten the bigger picture. By now I hope you have taken a step back, to realize that in the grand scheme of things,

when you compare your life (& the lives of your daughters)

to the lives of most of the 6 billion+ people on earth,

globally speaking, you live a standard of living that's in the top 5% of all people.

Matt, how fair is ^^^ that?

Like the speaker at church said last month:

"IF you want to talk about what is 'fair', go to AFRICA -- & ask them..."


I hope you don't still do so much mind reading (like below) but there's more to learn from something else you also wrote, and which I think is timely:


**"That the person I knew so well just couldn't not care about all the people she is hurting. That it's just not possible for a person to change so much so fast. I know intellectually that is exactly what happened. That she is on a "mission" like job said. I even know that it is a lot more common than most people think.

It's just I never expected me or my kids to have to go through it all.


Matt, first off, I daresay NONE of us expected to go thru anything like this. You're definitely not unique in this, as we have all been there.

Incredulity and outrage at some point, have to morph into acceptance and forward motion. It has been about 10 months now Matt....

No one knows where it'll end up, but it IS happening and you need to implement your plan NOW, don't you think? Your wife's actions/inactions can't keep getting to you so much.

Lose that scorecard b/c it'll bog YOU down.

(In other words, it's not about doing your wife a favor by letting go of all this, it's about YOU not getting bogged down in it so much. And you are bogged down in it, trust me there).

I spent the first year of "DBing" Not really DBing.

Instead, I obsessed about what my h was doing or feeling or planning or thinking or who he was with or wanted to be with and blah blah blah.

I ALSO spend a ton of time asking WHY???? hundreds of times. Finally at a summer camp for kids with cancer, I met a little 10 y/o girl who said "I used to ask God why I was sick. I'd say 'why God, why ME? Why? Why, why...and then I thought 'well, I'm just am so I better have fun when I can..."

That summer was her last summer on earth, but what a lesson that 2 minute speech was for me and my team.

(FTR, she had a BLAST that summer. And my God did I learn from her! She gave me much more than I gave her. It's like the saying, "From the mouths of babes"...)

Back in my DB time, my anger and sense of victimhood was consuming ME, not my h. So I had to let it go. I had to be in the present. In the moment. I had to be fully present for my kids instead of constantly being preoccupied with my "situation"...

Remember this phrase:

"Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire,


to get smoke in their eyes...

That one^^, and the little girl Sara, helped me.

Here's something else you wrote:


It just makes so little sense that because my W was emotionally stunted at about the same age as my girls are, that she would potentially do the same to her own kids. Be blind to the hurt she is causing them. I think that is the problem with my always asking why.


2 things about this^^ struck me.

1) If indeed your wife was stunted by the traumas of her childhood, then maybe this isn't such a "MLC Detour" as a circular piece of her journey; or a culmination of a pattern, but It Changes nothing.

And it's more of the same with you still making this all about WHY she is doing whatever she is doing. AND if your wife was so stunted and you worry about your daughters being hurt the same,

THEN HELP THEM HEAL. Don't let them be stunted.

Help them grow from this (yes, I'm serious. Growth is the only upside to these ordeals. We learn, by God we learn.

Then the problem you mention in the last line^^, is that You keep asking "Why"--

2) Matt....think about that.

Endlessly asking 'why?' is NOT helping anyone, least of all you and your daughters.

It's keeping you stuck. Let that go, move on. Besides, There is NO GOOD answer to it anyhow!

Matt, seriously --

There's literally NO "Satisfactory explanation" that is going to make it all better. So, really, seriously, drop it.



I really don't think it's possible for someone who hasn't had to go through an MLC to truly understand it. Don't get me wrong, I can have compassion for the hurt they must be going through, I know that for me to do to my loved ones what MLCers do to their's, the pain would have to be incredible. It's just not something I can even imagine. I think that is the reason I keep looking for reasons why.


Do you see how circular this is becoming? You know you "can't understand" their pain, you "cannot even imagine" it...

but then you say "that is the reason you keep looking for reasons why"...

Matt, snap out of this. Move forward....

Get back to DB 101.

What are your 180s (180s for you, not your wife)? What are your GAL?

How are your d's? What can you do FOR THEM?


If you were a couple in crisis and both were willing, I'd pressure you to attend Retrovaille which is a great retreat for couples in crisis. But your wife is AWOL.

And you seem very stuck ( not even sure you see that but I really think you are).

So I highly recommend that you Check out an individual personal growth workshop called "Essential Experience" in Philadelphia. (It's called "EE" for short).

It's a workshop with exercises (so you can't edit or rehearse your reactions, which I would usually do) and that forces you to discover things about yourself you did NOT know were holding you back.

That helps you process the obstacles and remove them, to get an action plan for your life, a path forward, ways to get more support from your loved ones AND EE helps you actualize your potential. As in, becoming the best YOU that you can become. Of course that makes you a better partner, better parent, better worker, entrepreneur, a happier more loving person, etc.

For me it meant more happiness and joy in my life, and living a life of clarity and intention. That's not a small thing, obviously.

Several other DBers have attended & can attest to this^^ (and I've gone back to do "team" and help others go thru it. That's extra cool b/c it's like a free refresher course.) PowerOfNow, AutumnLeaves, LuckyLuke, StubbornDyke, InShock, are some of them. I've personally known or suggested it to about 25 people who went and it's "batting" 1000%. (Thank God!)

Anyhow, It will propel you forward faster than anything I know of. It's literally the most profound experience I've ever had, minus childbirth.

Hey, in sum, it is a life changing weekend. Literally. So I'll leave it at that.

I hope you check out the Essential Experience website.

Back to you, so, How have you grown from this DB ordeal? What new classes/hobbies/jobs/travels have you explored? As in, how are you GAL??

What's new in YOUR LIFE?

Can you post about you and your d's, and NOT about your wife? That'd be great.

How about trying that for just a week? And for just a week, how about thinking that way too? You know, make it all about your girls and your life, not about your w, at all, for 1 week...

I look forward to hearing about your life! .

((( )))

[Matt165]

Thanks for dropping in T2! AJ does make good points that I have tried to keep in mind. I really haven't changed the things I would do for either of my D's; it's just that because of the sitch w/ their mother, there have been many more important things that have come up and I know I can't count on anyone else to do what is needed.

Wonka... Great post. I'm on the lookout for those flying monkeys on the horizon.

25years.....
In the time since W left, my life has been about just one thing, survival. I have had to spend all my time and effort on just 2 things, helping my D's cope with the upheaval in their lives and trying to find a way not to lose everything, pay the bills, afford gas to get my D15 to school and back home when she is with me and find a steady income. When your late on every bill, your electric and water are close to being shut off and you're not sure how you can afford food, it leaves little time for much else.

I finally finished the courses and tests for licensing I have been working on for months (and had to find money to pay for) and started my new job yesterday. So sad that the business I started 3 months before B-day didn't make it but I kept trying to make it work too long and had to give up that dream and start over once again. Probably the biggest 180 anyone can do. Doesn't leave much time for hobbies or such.

You didn't see much about what I was doing because I was either dealing with lawyers, studying, trying to earn money any way possible (including driving for Uber when I could) and dealing with my D's problems and sharing in the good times with them as well. That will begin to change now that I have started my new work but it will take time to get "caught up" before things can get back to "normal" which I define as not having to worry how I will afford food and utilities in the same month.

Because of the timing of my W's crisis it caused more damage than you usually see. It has forced me to totally change every part of my life without much of a support system. Once I am able to establish a routine, not have to worry about how to afford the essentials in life, I can start to think about GAL's for fun, hobbies, etc.

As for the crazy stuff W is up to, since it has a profound effect on my D's lives, I do need to know much of what she is doing, at least those things that effect them. I need to know she leaving my 15 year old alone every day until 9:00 PM so I can find ways to help her deal with that, just as one example. I may not have any control on what she does but I can help my D's deal with the consequences of those things and as their parent it's my duty to do so. Why she is doing these things or how she got this way don't matter, she is what she is and because she is the mother of my kids it will have an effect on what I need to do.

I hope that helps you understand where I'm at a little better.

[25yearsmlc]

Matt,

I know you're in a bad way but as you must know by now, many spouses are in your shoes (though most are women, and no, that's not an insult).

The point is, after 10 months here, I still hope you will try to DB, not to save your marriage necessarily, but to move forward.

That (moving forward) has the paradoxical by product, sometimes, of getting our spouses back. But even if not, it helps YOU.

That's why I suggest getting back to the DB basics which you really can do if you give this a try.

Otherwise you are here on a site and staying in the first phase, the "she did this to me and nothing else can happen" & which is another form of the "staying stuck" phase.

OF course you must survive! I'm glad you have a lawyer and are protecting your d's rights. Are you also doing ANY 180s or GAL?

that's key to YOUR happiness, and theirs. And yes, it is doable. (Just check out the pregnant women on here who are in your shoes and giving birth soon).

It's hard as heck, but it is doable and the DB folks hammer GAL so much for just one reason, which is that it really does help.

I'm not trying to give you a hard time. I'm trying to get you back on track.

Hope you can see the difference.

[Lifes Twists]

Matt,

I think what you need to do right now is to stop looking at your glass as half empty. From my view point it is actually half full. You have just started a new job full of opportunity. You are continuing to be a great dad and having the opportunity to build an even greater relationship with your daughters.

Your situation with your wife, like mine is not what you want. Don't let her decisions define you. Continue to be the best person and father you can be. You may be surprised how things change after the divorce happens and the wife does not have that to focus on. I have been and its only been 4 weeks. Sometimes it takes the reality to set in after for them to maybe open their eyes. Keep your head up and putting one foot in front of the other.

[AJM]

Not much to add, Matt. Having been in your shoes to some degree, I think what I read in 25's post is more about not being stuck. More about not waiting for the perfect moment to become you.

I get the need to regroup and take care of business. Boy do I. But be careful you don't stay in survival mode longer than you need to. It's easy to look up and see that years have gone by with no change in the overall situation. As if the LBS is waiting for the one more thing to fall into place, and THEN they can start to live.

Just keep an eye on that. It's different time for everyone, but keep it in mind.

And since you know you have no say in what your W does, you can stop looking that direction. Keep at it, Matt.

Congrats on the tests, BTW! Hope the new job is working out.

AJ

[2BHappy]

Matt

Something I posted for Mighty,,,

Can you make the rest of these posts (at least in this thread) not mention your W, only make it about you and your daughters?

Just pretend for a while that W does not exist. I know you have to interact with her, but only about your D's.

But here dont even post when W acts a fool in regards to your D's, but just post what you are doing for your D's and yourself.

Just an idea...