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Sotto #2532101 01/29/15 02:13 AM
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Hey C, I really don't have too much to say other than I've been thinking about your sitch a lot the past few days. I hope you are doing ok- i know its an obvious understatement given the circumstances. You're amazing and he would be lucky to have you. Do whats best for you and take the time to think it through before you act.

-T


ME: 28
W: 24
M: 2.5yrs
T: 5yrs
BD: 22 SEP 14
W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
TLEE86 #2532134 01/29/15 04:46 AM
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I'm sorry about this development. To me, you're entering more regular DB territory. Having a H that moved out and wants to D is what most of us are dealing with. It's what most successful vets have gone through. You can have a look at the success stories at the top of my thread for inspiration.

You often react very quickly and jump to conclusions. That's ok, you're in control and the only one among us to live with the consequences. But one thing that might be helpful is to have a little more patience. When your H says "Fine, serve the papers, I'm done." it does not mean that your M is over. It means that today, your H is ok with you serving the papers and does not want to work on the M. Things can change tomorrow. Or next month.

I don't want to give you false hopes and, in fact, for the next steps, it's probably to your advantage to have as little hope as possible. This way, you'll focus on yourself and keep a cooler head through the D negotiations. But if you could avoid projecting the day's latest development in the infinite future, I think it would help you.

We're with you.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Mozza #2532204 01/29/15 02:04 PM
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Sorry to hear that. I'm in the same boat. It does seem to get better once you're busy and not thinking or making constant contact with the S. I has been doing so well handing this whole situation and accepting all that the S is doing now. He is seeing someone casually and spending more time with that person than his own daughter. All this because he is going through something and is depressed and Confused, i guess. Then all of a sudden when he makes contact, it just adds salt to my wound that was healing. We should have a better time doing our 180s. There are times I feel so positive about the future and then other times I just want to sleep all day and not think. Hang on there.


Me:27 H:26
T:3 M:1.5
D 6 months
D bomb: 6/21/14
I Moved out 9/7/14
hope224 #2532453 01/29/15 11:38 PM
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Calibri

Let H work his stuff and you brave heart will concentrate on yours.

Time is on your side as you become and develop.

((((((Hugs))))))

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Sotto #2532530 01/30/15 03:37 AM
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Journaling:

I am right back in the place I was when the BD back in September. It's been a week and I can already tell I've lost weight, again. Weight I haven't out back on since last BD. I went to work today. Didn't do much but look at the screen. Was supposed to work from home tomorrow but will have to go in to do some work.

I don't know how we got here. I thought everything was fine. I always spoke my mind when I had problems, I thought my H (I refuse to type stbx) would do the same. He didn't. He bottled everything up inside until it became too much for him to handle. Until he resented me. Until he blamed me. Communication was never really "allowed" in his house. They were taught to ignore, head in the sand and it will all go away. His own mother admitted that was how she taught her boys to react, because she reacted that way herself. Right before she gleefully told me I was getting divorced.

I am in shock. My mind boggles how our pasts come to be and intertwine with others. Sometimes they can be beautiful. Other times they can be toxic. My marriage was a bit of both, I suppose. Damaged boy from a drug filled, alcoholic home brought lack of communication, coping skills, and a lack of self esteem to the table. Boy meets girl who comes from divorced parents, mentally Ill father, absuive backgrounds, trust issues, a need to control to prevent further hurt from damaging this already damaged girl. They meet. They fall in love. And they secretly expect the other to fill the damaged parts. To make them better. One realizes it. One doesn't. One wants it. The other doesn't. And so they twist and turn until they're both broken.

This is what I know, right now.

H and I are both unbelievably broken.
H doesn't want to be married to me.
H is a people pleaser.
H lies to people and tells them what they want to hear.
H has a lot of work to do, that may or may not be done.

C is DeVestated
C feels like this is her fault
C feels abandoned and unloved
C doesn't know what to do next
C feels very alone and hopeless
C is talking in third person, ha.

And I'll leave it with this: last night I had an appointment with my IC and she said that H didn't realize that he had the ability to hurt me. That he has built me up in his head as this impenetrable person, where nothing gets through and I'm
Not bothered by anything. H hurt me, beyond belief. Hurt me more
than anyone ever has. It's just too bad the vulnerability that he probably needed to see? That would make me human, make me softer? It's too bad he's walked away and refusing to speak to me. He might be surprised at what he Would see.

Can't make a horse drink. And you can't make someone want to be with you if they don't.


M:32,H 32
T:10, M5
BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger
H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15
Served D Papers: 10/15
Divorced: 11/15
Calibri #2532531 01/30/15 03:54 AM
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Oh Calibri, you're giving me another urge to hug someone on this board. I'm rough on you and likely contribute to this impression that it's all your fault. The truth is, you're the only part of this couple I can talk to, and you're the one who's willing to make it work. But I know it's not all your fault, especially as a sort of people pleaser myself. Your H is a "nice guy" of a strong breed, according to your descriptions. You're forceful and controlling. You were the two poles of a magnet, destined to match as soon as you got close. It probably felt so right at the time.

Your closing paragraph spoke to me because, like your H, my W thought that I was insensitive and indestructible. Yet, she's giving me suffering that expanded even my understanding of what it is to be human and alive. I hope I never will project that image of invulnerability again because it made me very vulnerable.

Musical recommendation of the night: Heartbreak Warfare.

How come the only way to know how high you get me is to see how far I fall?


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Calibri #2532532 01/30/15 04:02 AM
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Calibri,

Every single word you wrote feels like a magnifying glass into my soul and my situation.

I too feel like I'm back where I was at BD. Lost. Anxiety ridden. Angry. Hurt. Confused. Resentful. Humbled. Shaken. Disturbed. Broken. Above all - broken. Into 100,000 little pieces that I can't even find all of let alone begin to put back together.

And he? He has walked on. Has no care to even notice those pieces. I'm sure he has pieces he's picking up, too but man, I can't even find all of mine.

Shock doesn't even cover it does it?

I'm losing weight, too. Weight that I don't have to lose either. I feel like a shell walking around... smiling to people. Waving. Feeding the dog. Trying to engage with D7.

Our husbands, the ones who think they don't have the ability to hurt us and who therefore will probably not own up to it EVER. Who will probably not apologize let alone make amends, are hurting. Yes. I'm sure.

Frankly, that's not my focus. I'm still looking for all the pieces of me that are scattered all over the place.

The pain is so great I genuinely cannot believe I'm not bleeding all over the floor from some huge open wound. I keep looking but I'm definitely not bleeding. At least visibly.

Anyway, I'm here. I wish you and I lived closer together.

(((hugs))) my dear friend. That's all I can offer.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
Ss06 #2532541 01/30/15 05:04 AM
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C, there's nothing you can do but keep driving on just like you've been doing. You may not know it but even what you just wrote, is showing how much you've grown since this whole thing started. You're not whining or complaining (well maybe a little) and still making jokes. Its very apparent you're obviously hurt and pissed off and a million different emotions. And you have every right to be. Don't worry about work, you'll pick your head back up soon. You've handled one BD, I know you can do this again. Really take the time to figure out what it is you want to do right now. You can do anything, but please please think it through. Drink some wine and take a bath and watch some TV or something, just take some time to relax. You're H says he doesn't wanna work on the M? Thats not a surprise, you've heard it before and overcame it and kept working. Respect his wishes, let him initiate the contact just as you did before. You're set back yes, but now that you've hit bottom you've got nowhere to go but up. I encourage you to keep at your New Years Resolutions and don't let this phase you for too long. Take the time to recover and BREATHE...we're all here for you C....


ME: 28
W: 24
M: 2.5yrs
T: 5yrs
BD: 22 SEP 14
W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
TLEE86 #2532546 01/30/15 05:22 AM
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I so understand how you feel C. I too communicated with my H. I was never one to give him the cold shoulder. I could articulate very well what was bothering me. I would think he heard me and understood. In reality he stuffed his feelings or just got defensive. He was never able to express his feelings. He too built up walls of resentment for things I don't even know.

We can't force them to get help. We can only control ourselves. If your H. Is a people pleaser you cannot trust he is being honest with you or placating. It is up to him to do the work to learn how to express his own needs and be honest. He is not living an authentic life.


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Karma12 #2532663 01/30/15 03:46 PM
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Everyone , thank you for coming by and showing love.


I am at rock bottom. I feel like I have a gaping chest wound that's bleeding (just like Ss said) everywhere and the proverbial blood loss is taking it out of me. I just want to curl up and sleep. But I can't sleep the pain away.

H is on the search for his true authentic self. Apparently, that true authentic self doesn't include a life with me. And it makes me wonder about the last ten years. I was blindingly happy. I can't trust my judgement or what he's said about it, because is it actually the truth?

Looking back over the past months, the signs were there that this wasn't an authentic shot at reconciliation. He had a lot of excuses for things - he blamed them most on the depression. He would make plans and cancel. "Because he was tired and in a bad mood and didn't want to take it out on me." I think he was trying, the best he knew how , but couldn't force himself to go through with it. Because it wasn't what he wanted. I was too blind with hope that it was real. This is why we preach no expectations.

He won't come back. He didn't want to in the first place. And no matter how much I may want things to go my way, he wants things to go his way. Because he's checked out, because he's lost, because I am the big bad wolf, because he's unhappy. Because he wants a kid. And I don't.

And there's no coming back from that.


M:32,H 32
T:10, M5
BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger
H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15
Served D Papers: 10/15
Divorced: 11/15
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