wife during deployment EA/PA another service membe

[DaddyLongShanks]

I spot a name change.

I agree with this:

Hey bro. A lot of times when they cheat on you they will hate you so they don't hate themselves. It's normally not intentional, but the human mind does it as a way to protect itself. She will validate her choices and in by doing so invalidate you.

That's why you can't really talk to them and shouldn't try to appease them.

You can let them go on and discover they made a bad decision or not.

I just wrote about this on twinmom's thread; I'll pull it over from there for you:

And, fwiw, H and I had a discussion about this just last weekend. He said essentially this (all, btw, which we here already know, but it's good to hear it from the mouth of a XWAS, especially one who doesn't read the literature enough to know what it all says about how a WAS operates; in other words, these are H's own thoughts, uninfluenced by any literature on this subject):

Waywards in As are typically not "in love" with their A partners. At least not at first. They're in love with how the A partner makes them feel about THEMSELVES. Eventually, once the AP has stroked their ego for so long, the LBS looks worse and worse. Anger and resentment build and grow. Still, the WAS knows what s/he is doing is wrong. So they say mean, unfair - and outright UNTRUTHFUL - things to and about their LBS in an effort to ... here's the money shot ... make THEMSELVES look better for doing what they're doing.

An observation I hope you'll take to heart, dwnnoto: Read back through your two most recent posts. In one, you detailed seeing W. And it sent you spiraling. In the second, you saw she was still at home, and you decided to go off and wait until she left. And you felt good and even, I would imagine, a little powerful. You were in control of YOU. That feels good.

Do you see how easy that is?

Remember that feeling of being in control of yourself. And what it took to feel that way. Rinse and repeat.

Oh, and I would encourage you not to shy away from entering your own home while W is there. It's your home. You aren't the one who left.

Control yourself powerfully during this phase so she cannot even make her self look better so she gets a real good taste of reality.

Dress good, look clean, find somethings you've been interested in doing.

Like I said, I found that partnered dancing, for me it's Salsa and Merengue allowed me to feel a great deal of my masculinity without having to physically consummate with someone. It's good for your soul.

[RysinMn]

Thank you so much I am actually trying to change it to RRysinMn because I have been so far down only placecto go is rise.

This morning I got an email from W about the assignment email I sent to her. She said "don't you think this is something we should discuss." how do I approach this? I do think we need to since we areally still married but what input should she have, she has chosen OM over me. Or should I say this is what it is. And your either with me or we both move on. Any input would be greatly appreciated.

[Cristy]

Hi,

I am sorry for the situation you are in. I like the name change! The question regarding speaking with her about the assignment is a big one!

The best advice I can give you is to speak with a Divorce Busting Coach today. Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best guidance on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction. There is much that can be done. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[RysinMn]

thank you and i will give a call. i appreciate everything!

[RysinMn]

W just sent me an email saying she tried to call me to talk about the moving to another duty station. I said this is not something that i am willing to talk about over the phone. and if you want to talk we can meet someplace neutral after work. Was that a good move.

[RysinMn]

how do you react. If W asks for divorce do I avoid the convo. Or do I acknowledge her feelings and counter offer? Anything to help would be appreciated

[twinmom]

I believe it was starsky who gave me this line "I do not want a divorce but I won't stand in your way"

[RysinMn]

W showed up and gave me no warning. Said she felt betrayed for what I did to OM in reporting him. I was like I am not sorry about my actions. She said you just took the choice away from me and I don't know if I can forgive that betrayal. Hmm what to do now.

[twinmom]

Nothing! Continue on as usual. You didn't force OM to do what he did, she is just mad things aren't all roses.

[twinmom]

Oh and funny that SHE feels "betrayed" ummmmmmmmmmmmmm HELLO!

Continue on with your day and do something nice for yourself.