Maybell XXVIII Living In the Moment

[Underdog]

don't know why people have such a high opinion of me around here. Sometimes I have wins, but I don't feel like a person who is anything out of the ordinary.

Because you're blissfully honest about things, Maybell. I personally find honestly flawed people endearing. That's why.

Someday I'll get my feet under me. I just hope I still have three kids at home when that happens.

Snicker, snicker. We're *all* works in progress, Maybell. Some day you'll look back and realize you have a lot more grounding than you currently think you have. We grow up with our kids. And sometimes our kids are the teachers and we're the students. Actually, I think that's more the rule than the exception.

Don't be surprised if they remember your parenting differently. My D20 sees that week long snow vacation just that through HER rear view mirror. She remembers it FONDLY. I remember it as a horrible prison sentence. Somewhere in the middle is the absolute truth.

[Maybell]

Lol. D11 said yesterday that I constantly criticize her. I see it completely differently: I'm cheering her on all the time. She freaks out about a B; I say, well, I'm sure you know how to do better. My mother constantly criticized. She said, "You always come so close but then you never make it." I feel like I parent so differently. But it's making me aware of how she hears me and I'm going to try to pay closer attention to that now that I've heard her say it.

I have a memory like your D20's -- home with flu and chicken pox for a little over a week when I was 10. That was a very peaceful week that I spent in bed reading, when I fell in love with Jane Austen and Charlotte Bronte. My mother remembers it as a HORRIBLE week (my little brothers were sick then too). Funny how perspective works.

[Underdog]

LOL....

Back to your D's perspective about criticism... maybe you could just tweak your words, though they mean the same thing?

She freaks out about a B; I say, well, I'm sure you know how to do better. My mother constantly criticized. She said, "You always come so close but then you never make it."

I had issues with these types of semantics too. I'm laughing because my D20 is a whole lot like your 11 year old. So this is what I'd say back to her (and meant every word):

"Sweetie, I'm sorry you're so bothered by this. But you make really good decisions. I know you'll make a good decision about this."

I think that might be the way you can nail it rather than get close and not make it?

It gets harder, Maybell.

At 15, she'd come to me with problems or vents and even those words pissed her off. So I'd flat out ask her, "Do you need to vent and me to listen or are you wanting advice?" Oh yes, she knew what she wanted and wasn't afraid to tell me. In fact, we *still* communicate this way now. She'll call me from school and now just say, "God, I need to vent. And I need to have you be the person who has to hear this. Okay?" I can only smile inside and say, "Okay".

But it's making me aware of how she hears me and I'm going to try to pay closer attention to that now that I've heard her say it.

This is why I like you, Maybell. This is all we can ask of ourselves. In many, many ways, THEY are the teachers and we are the students.

For the record, my mom--to this day--still feels the need to help me fix my vents. It's frustrating.

[labug]

I hate when things get so horrible like this. She finally came out and said that she's angry because I have to work from home and can't take them out on their new sleds. She hates that I'm working and don't have as much time for them as I used to.

I don't blame her for any of that. I'm doing the best that I can but it's not anything like what it used to be. I hate how they've changed too and it is so frustrating to not be able to explain it all. She wants to redecorate her room and can't understand why I won't plan that with her (kids don't know about divorce and move yet).

I am so angry with STBX when I have to deal with this stuff by myself. I want to hate him and also I want to just not care AT ALL about him but I resent like I can't even express how ANGRY I am with him for being such a cr@ppy dad and for leaving us like this. And now he's just sent me an email asking if I planned the boys' birthday parties and I want to kick him in the shins and say a half decent dad wouldn't delegate EVERY STINKING THING about his kids' birthdays to the other parent. He didn't even write "Love" on the gift tags for their birthday presents. He put "from Dad" on the electronic ticket.

I feel sad for my D11. I want her to have what she wants and sometimes I worry that I'm overparenting her because I don't want her to turn out to be an inconsiderate, narcissistic jerk like her dad. But she can't scream at me like she does either. I don't know how to find the balance at times like this.

So what do you need when you have emotional outbursts when you can't have what you want? (not picking on you, we all have then and many of us learn to shut down those feelings, unable to articulate them or out needs and end up in crappy R down the road)

Just a caution, take a inventory of what you're feeling when she does this and try not to react based on whatever that is. See where you are and separate that from her, then try to help her.

If you do scream and yell at H, what will change? I'm not saying you shouldn't, just what do you want it to do for you and what are the chances that it will help?

What if you told him exactly what you feel, without the anger?
Are you afraid of that conversation and if so, why?

[labug]

In many, many ways, THEY are the teachers and we are the students.

So, so true.

If we can only be open to their teaching.

[Maybell]

I don't yell at STBX (anymore). Besides being disrespectful and not who I want to be, he doesn't care and won't respond.

Half an hour ago I let D11 get a limited social media account to communicate with out of state friends and relatives. I didn't discuss it with STBX. it didn't occur to me. (I don't think this is ok, but it does show how little he is involved)

Five minutes later I got a text from him confirming I'd gotten her the account. I apologized for not discussing and he said it was fine. We briefly discussed logistics and then he was done.

He didn't ask how the kids were.
He didn't ask to talk to the kids (he talked to S9 for a minute on his birthday, otherwise hasn't talked to them since Friday morning)
He was careful to tell me he has work dinners all week so he won't take them midweek like he's supposed to.
I asked him to take the next snow day, he pushed back a little but gave in.

I would be really stupid to rely on him for anything beyond money once the D is done.

What did I ever see in him?

[Mozza]

What did I ever see in him?

My (Freudian) IC told me that we get with people for two reasons. First is that they share certain flaws with us and so they will not confront us to them. For instance, a smoker might be with a smoker, a homebody with another one, etc. The second reason is that we see these people as helpful in getting us to a place where we want to be. It might be a traveler if we want to travel, a sophisticated person if that's what we aspire to, etc.

I thought I'd throw it out there.

[claire7]

He sounds pretty broken. Your kids are so lucky to have you.

[claire7]

I feel like I read somewhere (maybe here? Or maybe my IC said it) that we might be attracted to the "wrong" people because their wrongness is familiar somehow (like...I wasn't imagining it when I thought my H was acting like my dad). We seek an opportunity to "fix" the dysfunction of our past...or at the very least it is what we are used to so it feels "right".

Food for thought. Definitely makes sense in my aitch.

[Maybell]

Well the church fella acted exactly the opposite, so we'll see what happens there. Hopefully I've learned a thing or two.