KGirl - one year later con't

[labug]

Do you really care about all that stuff? pots, pans, gadgets?

I think refund is 50/50 but consult someone who knows for sure.

Your weekend sounds great.

[KGirl]

I don't care, and all of the stuff is already divided anyways.. but the form requires it all to be specified so apparently the court cares. It's a chart and it has a row for each category: household appliances; clothing; electronic equipment; kitchen equipment; jewelry; tools; etc. and for each you have to check who has ownership, who has current possession, and the estimated value today. No idea how detailed to get or even how to estimate the value of "kitchen equipment". Guess I'll have to consult some legal help for something that doesn't even matter because the items are already split. You'd think if you'd agreed on it already you could just skip that but you can't because this is supposed to demonstrate that the assets are evenly split.

[zew]

re taxes - I'd go with married filing jointly if you can both agree to - rates are lower. Also if you file separately, you must both either itemize or not. This means if you're the one without a mortgage interest deduction, dependents, etc. you just lost your personal deduction.

No point in giving away money if you don't have to.

[Maybell]

If you've been separated over six months in 2014 you can file single if you'd prefer, but of course you'd have to negotiate who gets to take the mortgage interest deduction and you'd probably lose since he kept the house. If you file married/joint and your income is higher than his, you've got some math to do sorting out the ratio between your higher income and his mortgage interest deduction.

I used to be a CPA and am not anymore, but I did recently research this with a reputable source.

WRT the household division chart, it would be worthwhile to ask an attorney if the court really cares about the details or if you can put language on the form that states you've already separated the households satisfactorily, and then maybe you'd both initial acknowledging that to be the case. I know in other industries those forms are made up for the worst-case scenario and aren't ALWAYS required to be completed strictly.

[KGirl]

H apparently "will finally get to the things that we need to do next this week/weekend." It will be relieving when all of our ties are cut, as sad as it is to say that. He texted me about needing to sign a car insurance check because he had an accident on his car and since the insurance is in both our names, the check for the claim also has my name on it. I hope this doesn't affect my insurance rates since I was not driving =| Just getting texts from him drives my anxiety way up - now I'm crying for the first time since he said he filed. Here's hoping the next few months go smoothly and quickly. I'm tired of wondering if bills are paid, I want this mortgage debt out of my name, I don't want to file taxes with him, I don't want to have to message him or talk to him again. I just want him gone.

[KGirl]

Maybe I should have said "I'm sorry about your car." I don't know. I don't care I guess. I don't think I'm interested anymore in trying to be nice and caring and appreciative and all that other stuff. In a year's time it got me nowhere so I don't feel like wasting any more energy on that or him. I find it interesting (ironic, maybe, but I don't know if I'm using it correctly?) that he was always so concerned about me driving his car and that I was a bad driver and he was worried I would ding it or mess it up. And here I am with ZERO violations/accidents, and he's had a speeding ticket, a DUI, and now a major car accident. I will admit I feel a little smug about it.

[KGirl]

I thought it had been awhile since I'd posted.. but I see it is only a week! Feels like the longest week ever. This may just be a venting post, we shall see...
The yucky stomach feeling of H actually filing has gone away. Now I would just like to get the business end of things done so that I don't have to deal with it anymore. Unfortunately H is not in a big hurry. He said he wasn't going to talk to an L or look at any of the forms we need to fill out until he got his car fixed, which may happen by the weekend. I'm not sure how not having a car prevents him from looking at a form online, but whatever. I'm trying to balance letting him do as much of the work as possible vs. not letting this drag on for months longer than it has to.

I'm also very frustrated that I still have many logistical things to take care of for the D, even though I didn't want it. Bank accounts to cancel, phone plans to change, paperwork to fill out and submit, all of which I have to participate in and H can't do alone. I HATE it. That's not even getting into a name change, which for work is going to be a huge hassle (all of our electronic systems involve user IDs based on your last name). And H and my's different ways of handling this do not help. For example, I would like to file taxes as soon as I have all of my stuff available (so, now). H would wait until April and then get stuck and huff and puff about how he doesn't have time to look up the rules, complain about how it works, yell, etc. He suggested we file separately and said it shouldn't be an issue that we both either itemize or use the standard deduction because we have mortgage interest and property taxes to deduct. Well, I only paid half of 4 months worth of those things, and when I when I put in my info online to see at first blush what it looked like, I OWED money. I have never had to owe $ for taxes before. I can't even deduct my student loan interest under that filing status, so it s*cks. I'm considering just asking H if we can file jointly and he can just keep the whole refund, because at least that would be better than me paying.

So on top of all this stuff for the D (for which paperwork is supposed to be submitted by April 2... not sure what happens if it isn't and I hope I don't need to find out), I also have:

-a trip to Florida planned for the last week in March with my mom and sisters. My mom has already said that she doesn't know how to do things like rent cars, plan excursions, etc., and wants us to do that. As the oldest (the other sisters are 26 and 17) I think that will fall largely on my shoulders.

-being MOH in a friend's wedding in March

-being MOH for my sister's wedding in August

To summarize: I'm feeling super overwhelmed. The D, a name change, spring break trip, weddings. I'm trying to take Maybell's advice of not eating the whole elephant... but I don't even know what portion of it to carve off first and start with - the trunk, the tail? (Is that taking the metaphor too far?) For example, I feel like I should start thinking about a shower for my friend's wedding. But then I think "well the D paperwork is due before that, I should try and fill out as much as I can without H's help". And then I think "actually, maybe I should look up rental car stuff and compare rates for our spring break trip." And then I just get paralyzed and do nothing, because I'd really rather just watch TV and have a snack.

Oh, and I live in Wisconsin. Our governor has put out his budget proposal and it doesn't look good for where I work (University of Wisconsin). People are concerned about layoffs, the quality of our institutions, being overworked and underpaid. So work is not a happy place to be right now. But hey, the budget includes millions of dollars for the Bucks arena...

It feels lonely right now. And stressful, and overwhelming, but at least I don't have an interest in reaching out to H for comfort or support because I know he can't be that. He is all about reliving his high school glory days right now, apparently - he regularly drives an hour each way back to his home town to help "coach" high school wrestling and watch the tournaments.

I know I need to stop complaining and feeling sorry for myself and just GET ON IT and get some of these things taken care of, but for some reason I'm just stuck in this funk right now. It's too late for me to say no to any of these things, and I can say no to anything new that comes up, but the over-commitment already exists.

[Maybell]

When I feel overwhelmed and under motivated, I set my timer for fifteen minutes, pick one thing, and do just that for fifteen minutes. If you really focus for that brief amount of time, you can get a LOT done. Then, while you're sacking out watching tv, you can get out a sheet of paper, divide it into sections based on all your big projects (divorce, shower, trip, taxes) and write tasks for each project on it. That will get you VERY organized and you're still just sitting around drinking wine and watching TV. Then you just set yourself fifteen minutes at a time and whittle away at the tasks. you can probably knock all of it out in 2-3 weeks in 15 minute chunks.

I'm sorry you're having so much dumped on you at once. Especially the wedding stuff -- that stings. Sending you a hug. And a big pointy-toed kick in the pants for your brilliant governor.

[KGirl]

Thanks, Maybell That is a good idea and I will try it out as soon as I am done with my internet-ing for the evening.

Yes, the weddings in particular can be challenging at this point in time. I worry about some of the interactions I see with the two couples because I don't want them to end up in this situation someday. I'm especially concerned about my sister and her fiancé because she has told me things like "He says I'm really cranky all the time, I told him all women are cranky so he'll just have to deal with it" or "I asked him if we should be in separate places the night before the wedding and he said sure, he'll fly off to Africa and he'll see if I can find him in time... he's just joking though." ??? My sister regularly asks for my opinions on things like which shade of blue is the best shade and in my heading I'm screaming "Who the F cares?? You're getting married, just be grateful for that!" But, I put on a smile and say my opinion when I think it's appropriate (sometimes I think they just want validation so I don't always tell the truth if I don't really like an idea :S). One of my sister's bridesmaids is very pushy and wanted us to wear long dresses.. for an August 1 wedding. Luckily my sister didn't agree but did end up going with the bridesmaid dress that that girl liked best because all the rest were "juvenile" or "hideous", apparently. Maybe if she has so many opinions she can just do all the party planning

[Maybell]

I know, I'm so touchy when I see couples not treating each other lovingly. I want to intervene, but then who knows what goes on at home? I just hope its ok.

I am grateful for how much I've grown in the last two years. Really a lot. I have more hope for my future than I had before BD -- everything seemed so hopeless before that. Like I'd just be luggage the rest of my days. Now I get to star in my own life. I hope you feel the same, KGirl. You've grown a ton. Enjoy.