I am Sad36 a 36yo man and loving father/husband, my wife is 33 we have been together 13years and married 11. We have a D13 and a D10 & S10 (twins).Just under two weeks ago my wife slept with another man. While we have had a liberal relationship this broke our rules and really rocked me. Since then while I tried to cope she then went off and spent 24hrs with him last Saturday. Then on Monday morning she said I needed a few days away. On Wednesday we spoke I was told we shouldn't live together. I'm currently at my sisters house scheduled for therapy and on anti-anxiety medication. However today I was reading about MLC and realised every single thing matched, finally I realised I wasn't going insane! We did used to have fun, I am not solely to blame, or restricting her!
So I then came across this forum and thought it looked a nice place! DB ordered and arrives tomorrow.
Mean time we are meant to tell the kids Saturday... I am seeing her tomorrow as I was meant to stay at home and have the kids Saturday, she claims to go to a freinds house bug I know it's to meet this guy. I have decided though that I am doing what makes me happy and No1 on that list is my kids. So I am moving back in. I am going to make up a bed downstairs but I am sleeping in that house. I then plan to follow the 37 rules.
My first question would be should I push for our bedroom (alone obviously) or should I offer to camp out?
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
I don't really have any useful advice being new to this forum but I wanted to tell you that I have been through the affair thing and the 37 rules do work. It helps the affair person get their head out of the clouds. Once you are off their radar and living your own life and not crying and blubbering over them, once they realize what they stand to lose, they come back around, at least that's what happened for me.
I just wish the results had been permanent for me. 12 years later... here I am... posting on this forum.. *sigh*
Me: 56 H: 60 M: 32 yrs Not separated, I am seriously thinking of leaving Sons: 3, all grown
Thanks, it's just nice to know I'm not alone. I am about to tell her I am back in the family home to stay after a couple of hours... I am expecting fireworks but am resolved to stay calm and positive. I will update and let you all know how it goes as soon as I can!
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
Ok so she got very angry, telling me that I realised nothing and that I was being very selfish! Still what did I expect right? Sadly I had hope that she might have changed or stepped back from the abyss. She claimed earlier that she was going to a freinds house to stay on Saturday but I know she's meeting the other guy. She has gone to her freinds house tonight were she will doubtless enjoy wine and complaining about what a horrible person I am.
Still I must be positive I expected that response and she only packed for a couple of days. Plus I am back in my house with my children who I adore! Just desperate for my copy of DB to start making changes in my life. That mean I will be happy if/when she realises her insanity.
Am I right to move back in to work on this? Will she come back once the anger wares off and she's had her fun Saturday with him.
I also find it so hard to take, I'm in ok shape but this guy is 25 ripped physique and drives a new BMW.... All of which was more me when we met... But I have given up flash cars for a nice house and family...
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
To be honest guys, I just need someone to tell me I will feel better one day. At the moment it feels like in two weeks my entire life and everything I thought I knew has been flushed down the toilet.
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
I am so sorry for the situation you are in. The best advice I can give you is to speak with a Divorce Busting Coach today. A DB coach will help you navigate all of these emotions & help you figure out the best next steps. Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best guidance on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction. There is much that can be done!
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Sorry you're having such a rough time. Most people on the forum will advise you not to move out of your home. But there are pros and cons to actually sharing a home during a time like this. Sometimes a S can help. If your read some of the sitches on the forum, you'll get a feel for the range of circumstances people are in.
It's good that you have ordered DB. I made many mistakes before I read DB and DR. I found DR most helpful of the two - more up to date, and with specific chapters on infidelity, MLC etc. So, you may want to move on to that one next.
Incidentally, many of us on the forum are unsure whether our S's are simply having an A, or are in MLC. But best not to try and diagnose that....and certainly don't suggest to your W that she may be in MLC either. But, either way, the principles of DBing are the same.
When you first start on the forum, it can be a bit slow to get going....but the more you post and keep up with other people's situations, the more support you'll get. There are a fair few of us on here from the UK too.
Chin up. It's very early days for you. It will take time and will be tough - but you will get there. T :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I am sorry that you are here but you'll find a bunch of goofy and supportive people! You'll figure out who is goofy in due time.
First things first...why don't you change your screenname to a different monkier? Sad is ....well sad!
What makes you "think" that your W is in MLC? I am just curious as to how you arrived at this conclusion. A MLCer and a WAS are two separate ball of waxes.
To get more traffic to your thread, it would be helpful for you to visit other threads that resonate with you and post in them. Give and take cycle...ya know.
Hi sad, sorry you're here but welcome. Another uk'er here. Keep posting and we'll be here to help.
Edz
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
. . . While we have had a liberal relationship this broke our rules . . .
Um, you kinda glossed over what I'm sensing is a pretty important part of your backstory, Sad36. Were you guys swingers or something? Were you a cuckold?
Ordinarily, I almost always advice a strong, immediate, "I will not live in an open marriage" stance but obviously if you ALREADY had some sort of an open arrangement, that flies out the window.
I think we need some more background on this if we are to help you. In the meantime, YES move back into your home and YES move back into your marital bed.
Yes we were swingers, but irrelevant of what a couples boundaries are the hy shouldn't be crossed. Our boundaries were a lot further out than most people's but they have still been crossed. She met the guy on a night out with a female freind, I beleive the freind was used as a patsy, and it was pre-arranged. In our lifestyle it's just meant to be sex, lovemaking stays at home and your not dating others.
Two Friday's ago she met a guy who she had been speaking to on whatsapp for several weeks. This was apparently coincidental, but I now know it was planned. I flipped out and a weekend of tough chatting ensued then Sunday night I saw a message on her phone and opened it. I scrolled through the conversation and found her saying on the Saturday morning after she had spent the night in a hotel with him, messages saying "I really felt we made love this morning" and about 3 saying "I love you". Then despite me begging she went out all day Saturday and most of Sunday with him, including hotel dinner concert and daytime walking about and lunch.
I broke down and she then told me I needed to move out to get better as I am being controlling and she feels suffocated.
I know she is meeting the guy tonight, should I confront her or tell her that I know? We always promised we would never have affairs as both our parents divorces were caused by it. Or do I just play along? She has stormed off and is staying at a freinds, yet all she packed was all her beauty stuff, sexy lingerie and party dresses...
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
I guess the question is should I tell her everything I know or just allow her to carry on?
Also starsky why do you say I should reclaim the marital bed?
Also a big thanks to everyone who said hi, especially nice to know there are other UK peeps on here, I look forward to getting and feeling better. And getting to know all of you goofy or not!
Last edited by sad36; 01/31/1509:37 AM.
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
Ok so W has just text to say she will be back Monday after the kids go to school. And wants to talk, she claims she is confused and hurt by my actions of yesterday (moving back in)... So now I don't know what to do or say. I want to resolve things, but obviously she is still living in denial that she is having an affair, or has done anything wrong! Should I say I know? Or is that confronting/controlling?
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
So does anyone have any tips on how to sleep and relax for an evening when you know the W is out with someone else? I have kept busy all day but now the kids are in bed its a lot harder to keep my thoughts off it...
I am certain many of you have been in this situation, but currently I just know I want to sleep tonight and not have a nights sleep filled with nightmares, or is that just unavoidable?
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
Melatonin will help you sleep. Also self nurturing. Do the things that help you unwind.
You will drive yourself crazy thinking about what she is doing. I know it's near impossible to totally distract yourself at this point. Give yourself permission to think about it say in the morning for an hour or so and then force yourself not to go there the rest of the day. When your mind wanders back tell yourself I can go there tomorrow at 10 am for now I have to shut it out. Otherwise you will dwell and become obsessed it will drive you crazy.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Melatonin will help you sleep. Also self nurturing. Do the things that help you unwind.
You will drive yourself crazy thinking about what she is doing. I know it's near impossible to totally distract yourself at this point. Give yourself permission to think about it say in the morning for an hour or so and then force yourself not to go there the rest of the day. When your mind wanders back tell yourself I can go there tomorrow at 10 am for now I have to shut it out. Otherwise you will dwell and become obsessed it will drive you crazy.
Thanks Karma, all good advice. I am currently trying to implement the 10am plan. I'll let u k ow how it goes in the morning! It's 11:27pm here so am in bed watching some TV and trying to just chill out. The problem is I find when near sleep my mind wanders, then things pop into my head. The bigger issue at the moment seems to be the mornings tbh but tonight is a new one.
I have resisted the temptation to send a text telling W that I know exactly who she is with and what she's doing. Do you think when we speak Monday I should point this out? Or should I pretend I know nothing?
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
So I slept ok, I woke about 3am but managed to get back off till 7:20 so a very good nights sleep considering the sitch. This morning I got a bit worked up and had to go hide and have a cry. Now that's done I feel calmer again, I know I need to eat but I'm so un hungry it's crazy. I guess I just have to force stuff down till I regain an appetite or taste buds!
I think I really need to detach, any top tips to help?
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
Hi guys I really need your advice, I just got my copy of DB which I plan to read tonight. I do however have a big chat scheduled for tomorrow.
I know W is going to ask me to move out again. I do not want to, especially while She continues her affair. While I am planning to stick to sandis 37 rules and to stay calm and not engage, I do obviously still need to stick to my guns on various points. I think I should stay in the marital home and possibly even the bed. I do think I need to point out she is having an affair, so I don't see why I should leave, or is this not a good idea?
Please guys I really need your help to deal with this! I am planning on booking a call for tomorrow with the coaches but that will be too late for this chat and I am terrified about doing the wrong thing and making things worse!
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
Hi Sad. From your end, you may want to keep it quite simple.
I think there are a few key points to consider making here:
If your W doesn't want to live together any more, she can leave. You don't intend leaving.
You know she is having an A. There are some examples on this forum - people putting their hand up and saying ' please stop lying to me. I know you are having an A and disrespecting our M.' But without divulging all that you know and how you found out. Have a look at Starsky's advice in this area.
You aren't prepared to live in an open marriage. Save me flicking back, are you guys swingers? Presumably, there's some kind of understanding/agreement in more liberal marriages like yours - of boundaries that would not be crossed.
I think if you manage to quietly and firmly make these points, without getting drawn into a big argument, the convo will have gone pretty well. If you've made these points, and your W just wants to keep on going, you may just want to calmly let her know that you have said all you want say at this point in time, and excuse yourself.
Expect some blame to come your way and hear it, but try not to react. Try and stay calm, strong and centred throughout. Also, know that there is unlikely to be any giving up of AP at this point in time. Your W may also talk in absolute negatives - I hate you. I never loved you etc.
Others may chime in too. But if you find a post that Starsky has posted on, click on his name in the top left hand corner, and choose view posts, you can have a look at his previous advice to others.
Best of luck.
Last edited by Toots; 02/01/1506:02 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I am glad to hear what you said as it agrees with my thinking. I am bracing myself for the rage and torrent of absolute negatives, I have already heard so many that I am finding them easier to ignore at the time. Though I must admit I do need to go off and have a cry afterwards just to process (obviously not letting W see/know).
RE the swingers thing yes there are boundaries just like any relationship ours are probably just different to most. Trust though is the key just like in any relationship.
I am planning to mention the affair very matter of factly, I don't need a debate or anything else on it and I understand it probably won't end. I just feel like she doesn't even think it's an affair in her head at the moment...
I will fill you all in tomorrow she is due round about 9am UK time after the kids are at school.
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
She turned up an hour late is determined to not engage in any conversation it seems. She has given one word responses to standard questions, then came and took her work things and went and sat at the kitchen table. Changed the radio to her favourite station and closed the door.
I assume this is some sort of "battle of the wills" and that she expects me to break down, or come to her for a R conversation? Obviously we have not therefore discussed if she is moving back in, or what we are telling the kids, indeed if we are saying anything. Or has she decided she has to move back in but we will live totally separate lives and she will attempt to ignore me. I can sense her anger and hatred towards me.
Really not sure what to do??!
Last edited by sad36; 02/02/1510:28 AM.
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
Sorry to be off for a bit, I implemented a load of 180s and thought I had fixed everything! Lol what a fool I was! Wife denied it was an emotional affair and said it was purely physical and she was having an affair with herself.
Well today she went upstairs when I was in the house and I looked at her phone, I know I shouldnt have but I couldn't resist... So there are a litany of calls with the OP and then I read their messages... I only briefly looked as when I got to one from last night that said "I've never felt like this for anyone else" I just hit the floor... There were other things said "trust me I know what I'm doing" and him declaring unrequited love for her.
So is it time for last resort?
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
Also am I correct to not respond or confront? I mean I know she is lying to me, it seems she is lying to herself about this as well but right now I find it almost impossible to judge. I am moving forwards with dealing with my own issues and start therapy on the 19th, at the moment it feels like she thinks she is being nice and trying to let me down slowly. We went out a couple of times last week for non-emotional dates and spent time together. They were to new places and new things, she seemed to really enjoy.
At the moment I am so devastated knowing she is having this affair, and it just hurts so much. It seems unbelievable that after all of the conversations of the last ten days she is lying to me about an affair of which I know about every meeting. So why is she lying to me about the emotional element? Why not say it's over, I'm in love with someone else and he loves me. Is she just scared I'll kick her out site the affair and keep the kids? Or is it a sign that deep down somewhere she has hope? I have no ideas and just feel totally lost...
Please all help gratefully received.
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
Irregardless of whether or not you were alone or not, you (at least physically) cheated on your W. And before you go on about how we don't understand the lifestyle, etc., we've had numerous people in poly or swinger type relationships so we do get it.
The thing is that even though you say you had "boundaries" put in place, because you are exposing yourself to other people, those boundaries don't exist. You can't "order" a person not to have feelings towards someone else, especially if they are receiving pleasure on an emotional level from that person.
Can you detail the rest of your marital history? How long you have been swingers, etc. And if your kids know, if your W is now exclusive to this OM, etc.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Together 13 years swinging for 5, kids don't know and it is rare, perhaps once every 3 months? It seems the wife is exclusive to this OM physically though I think still chatting/flirting with other guys, but tbh I don't know.
She met the OM with out telling me till after and spent 3 weekends with him, She may have spent last Saturday with him I honestly don't know. I have stated that as far as I am concerned she is having an affair and she has said she is just enjoying the freedom and has no feelings towards him other than freedom, having fun and new experiences, she is insisting on concerts, trips away and 5 star hotels all the way. I doubt she has told him about her having 3 kids but perhaps she has. He is 25 and a physical specimen borderline fitness model.
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
So what made the two of you start swinging? How long were you planning to do it? Were you going to tell your children that the lifestyle is okay?
Again, you are focussing too much on the A. What is your marital history? Conflicts, arguments, things she didn't like about you and what you didn't like about her, etc.
We can't help you with the A unless you tell us about you first.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Together 13 years swinging for 5, kids don't know and it is rare, perhaps once every 3 months? It seems the wife is exclusive to this OM physically though I think still chatting/flirting with other guys, but tbh I don't know.
She met the OM with out telling me till after and spent 3 weekends with him, She may have spent last Saturday with him I honestly don't know. I have stated that as far as I am concerned she is having an affair and she has said she is just enjoying the freedom and has no feelings towards him other than freedom, having fun and new experiences, she is insisting on concerts, trips away and 5 star hotels all the way. I doubt she has told him about her having 3 kids but perhaps she has. He is 25 and a physical specimen borderline fitness model.
Man... And you want her to have some accountability and responsibility. The things that his 25 years old mind do not grasp yet... She is in that mindspace enjoying the lack of responsibilities, lack of stress while you baby sit while she is with the OM.
Together 13 years swinging for 5, kids don't know and it is rare, perhaps once every 3 months? It seems the wife is exclusive to this OM physically though I think still chatting/flirting with other guys, but tbh I don't know.
She met the OM with out telling me till after and spent 3 weekends with him, She may have spent last Saturday with him I honestly don't know. I have stated that as far as I am concerned she is having an affair and she has said she is just enjoying the freedom and has no feelings towards him other than freedom, having fun and new experiences, she is insisting on concerts, trips away and 5 star hotels all the way. I doubt she has told him about her having 3 kids but perhaps she has. He is 25 and a physical specimen borderline fitness model.
What's the odds this 25 years old physical specimen is being loyal and dedicated to your wife only?
Consider that. The odds are less than 25%. The age range tends to cheat, and cheat in relationships where there is not a marriage. Knowing that they are boinking a wife, they will play the game almost automatically.
She is likely one in his harem. You might help her out by letting her receive information to prove she is only a bedroom lay to her, because he has others. And even more if she is not the "top" one in his harem she will be outraged.
I'll really try to elaborate. We always had liberal views, and felt that we could enjoy sex with others together. We would come home from a party and talk about it for days. It really added new levels to our sex life. We spoke about it for a couple of years before doing anything. Then we spoke on websites to people for perhaps another year before attending our first party. Really tbh I thought it was great and didn't see and issue, but even from the beginning I found myself at times uncomfortable when my wife was with an other man. I have my own issues of suppressing negative feelings though, so I boxed these thoughts away and promptly forgot them each time.
Our relationship ha s seemed super strong, but had probably become incestious, we did everything together Including working from home together the last 12 months. She went to therapy for low self esteem two years ago, and started to really change. Deep down I was terrified she wouldn't love me anymore and would leave me. I therefore became even more suffocating, I have thrown away most of my business and held her tighter trying to stop my self loosing her. In October our eldest D turned 13, plus we had two younger femal freinds round that weekend who were talking to guys on Tinder. Since then she spent all her time texting in her phone and ignoring me and the kids. I responded with anger, hurt etc. Our sex life bevan more adventurous at home if anything, she wanted to try anal (something we had done once before years ago) but I felt an emotional distance somewhere in the back of my head (visible now with hindsight).
Does that answer your questions or am I missing bits?
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
I'll really try to elaborate. We always had liberal views, and felt that we could enjoy sex with others together. We would come home from a party and talk about it for days. It really added new levels to our sex life. We spoke about it for a couple of years before doing anything. Then we spoke on websites to people for perhaps another year before attending our first party. Really tbh I thought it was great and didn't see and issue, but even from the beginning I found myself at times uncomfortable when my wife was with an other man. I have my own issues of suppressing negative feelings though, so I boxed these thoughts away and promptly forgot them each time.
Our relationship ha s seemed super strong, but had probably become incestious, we did everything together Including working from home together the last 12 months. She went to therapy for low self esteem two years ago, and started to really change. Deep down I was terrified she wouldn't love me anymore and would leave me. I therefore became even more suffocating, I have thrown away most of my business and held her tighter trying to stop my self loosing her. In October our eldest D turned 13, plus we had two younger femal freinds round that weekend who were talking to guys on Tinder. Since then she spent all her time texting in her phone and ignoring me and the kids. I responded with anger, hurt etc. Our sex life bevan more adventurous at home if anything, she wanted to try anal (something we had done once before years ago) but I felt an emotional distance somewhere in the back of my head (visible now with hindsight).
Does that answer your questions or am I missing bits?
Was she doing all this time texting before? Texting can be addictive as well as new connections and hookups. Was she hanging tough with these younger females before too? At under 25 many of them are addicted to drama and cannot stay still. They will be trying out new guys, complaining about old ones, texting, facebooking, facetiming, etc.
"She went to therapy for low self esteem two years ago, and started to really change."
This explains it all. It also explains you and your W swinging. You both needed validation from others. Problem now is that you can't control feelings.
What were some concrete problems that you had in your M? Detail them here. What did you argue about?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
We've never really argued tbh. Minor stuff, perhaps about work, money. If anything since she changed I have ignored her new suggestions and ideas, and found excuses to not do them "we ant afford it", "I'm too busy", "that's of no interest to me" etc...
In the early years I was strong and confident and she struggled to cope in social settings or doing thing on her own. Over the years I have lost touch with most freinds and she has been my best/only freind. We have worked lived and gone out together, we did everything together from shopping to partying and everything in between. I have almost become agoraphobic and withdrawn the mor eu felt her wanting to explore. It's like our relationship dynamic has done a full 180 in terms of need/reliance.
I am off to therapy to work on my own self confidence issues, ones that for years I masked with a brash over confident personality...
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
Man... And you want her to have some accountability and responsibility. The things that his 25 years old mind do not grasp yet... She is in that mindspace enjoying the lack of responsibilities, lack of stress while you baby sit while she is with the OM.
Yep thats pretty much it Daddy, though I am now implementing 180's and GAL so I'm not in all the time. The issue is it hurts as I love spending time with my kids as well, but I know as soon as I do she'll be off with OM...
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
Man... And you want her to have some accountability and responsibility. The things that his 25 years old mind do not grasp yet... She is in that mindspace enjoying the lack of responsibilities, lack of stress while you baby sit while she is with the OM.
Yep thats pretty much it Daddy, though I am now implementing 180's and GAL so I'm not in all the time. The issue is it hurts as I love spending time with my kids as well, but I know as soon as I do she'll be off with OM...
What you can do is be solid and be strong... Another poster mentioned he picked up boxing, got hit in the face a few times but his confidence is skyrocketing daily.
Build up your body. Not to compete with fitness guy, but for yourself.
I think you can come out of this more solid and more strong.
For some power is intoxicating and alluring. Your power will be in yourself and what you stand for.
So I have a question for you all, currently I am spending a lot of time with W but whenever I am about to leave the house, she runs off to the bedroom like she is trying to end my visit first.
Secondly I have noticed we have productive conversations and fun outside of the house, but when in the house she just talks about herself for hours on end. I am being a good listener but these are in no way conversations, I could say anything and she wouldn't hear.
Should I spend less time with her even though she is initiating these meetings? Should I be less available when she wants to use me for emotional support to discuss her work and other issues that are bothering her?
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
I realise I have been away a long time. I guess I was just to upset and grieving my relationship to face facts. Also I think I wanted to believe that I was some exceptional super hero. In the last five weeks I think I have done everything wrong that I could have done. I have enabled cake eating, I have been needy, desperate to spend any moment with her. This was made worse by moving house and the time together this necessitated while we packed, moved and unpacked. I thought I had read the book, read a lot on here and could create my own program.... I WAS WRONG.
I started therapy (CBT) a couple of weeks ago and am still on anti-depressants/anxiety (sertraline 100mg/day). Since then I have been getting a little stronger each day. I'm not afraid to tell you that the first 7-8 weeks broke me, I thought dark thoughts and felt stuck at the bottom of a well with no way out. I was completely addicted to my wife, when she was away or I was not able to see her I suffered terrible worst case scenario thinking and drove myself half crazy...
So firstly I want to apologise for not updating things, for not listening and for not applying the principles honestly. I just beg all of your forgiveness that you may still be willing to help me, now that I feel in a mentally strong enough place to move forward implementing things.
So my current sitch.
I am living at my mothers house Monday to Friday night. The kids come here on a Wednesday, I take son to scouts, then collect him and take all 3 home. Then Saturday afternoon I go to the house and stay there till Monday morning. I also work Tuesday - Friday away in Germany every other week. My wife is still with the OM and spends every weekend at his house. She still refuses to call it an affair or relationship and says it gives her space and freedom. She says she is just having fun and needs the space to relax away from me and the children and has no-where else to go.
I have broken every rule, even going so far as talking to my wife and breaking down to her about my therapy. In reality I just hoped that it would elicit sympathy, Last week I was in Germany. My therapist set me a homework to only speak to her once a day for ten minutes at an arranged time. This really helped and is the first time I have detached at all. I was happy with my weeks work. However I called Saturday morning to arrange the swap over and she was angry... Turn out that she had finally spoken to her Father, who she respects very much. She had previously told him nothing and avoided speaking to him since this all started some two months ago. I had spoken to him 5 weeks ago at almost my lowest ebb. I was desperate, and I told him everything. He asked me to tell her I had spoken to him but that the details of the conversation would stay between us, he suggested that she needed therapy and agreed her actions were out of character. I told her I had spoken to him about my issues and informed him, that was that. Turns out Friday night she finally spoke with him, I have no idea who called who. She says he told her everything that I had said, now firstly I am very hurt. Secondly I told no lies, thirdly I just want to call him to ask what was discussed?!
Next, I have been very low and a fair bit angry, I also agreed to go on a date with a girl friday night. Of course I bumped into a former colleague of the W, she asked where W was and it was very awkward. I confessed that we were separated and that I was on a date. This woman was very drunk and really pushed me for the reason why, I keep repeating "ask W it's not my place to say" till I was blue in the face. Eventually she started saying I should be at home working on it... I lost my temper and said "well I'm not the one who started an affair with a f**ing 25yr old window cleaner from essex!". She said she wouldn't say anything and it was our business. Of course She text W first thing saturday morning to ask what was going on and to arrange to meet for coffee. W asked me why I had told the friend we were separated and what I had told her... I said I had told her nothing bar that we were separated, but that I was out on a date and had no choice but to say something! W is meeting this friend today for coffee so I am now sitting here wondering what will be the next level of awfulness/anger opened up to me.
Since then she is almost avoiding seeing me at all, I had to go to the house this morning to collect my medication I had forgotten there, she stayed up in her room speaking to me through the door. I rang before visiting and asked if I should go round when she was out or in. She refused to answer the question but said, that as I am meant to take them in the morning I should come round now... I just collected meds, tried to engage her in conversation, asked what was wrong and said I would speak to her tonight. her reply was "If thats what your therapist thinks you should do". She seems not angry just very detached, and giving me the bare minimum of civil conversation.
I have no reason to see her all week, but we are meant to be going to a dinner party friday night with our old neighbours that has been arranged for weeks. I am not sure if we should go or not.
I am finally starting to get a handle on the detaching but am worried it is making it easier for her to leave. I assume that I should stop talking to this other woman, I think part of me wanted to feel better about myself. I think also I wanted the wife to know, and see how she felt... perhaps I just wanted to see if I could hurt her...
I realise I have broken every DB rule out there and that I am a moron. I have though implemented several 180's and am working hard to G&L. I think a lot of the early things have since been undermined or written off as craziness on my part. I finally feel that I am able to detach a little, and each day will get easier and easier.
I also feel that I am perhaps starting to become mentally strong enough to actually follow through with the DB plan... That's if it is not too late. I promise to update daily from now on.
So I beg your forgiveness and implore you to help and tell me what to do next! Have I broken things beyond repair now? Should I just go back to 180's and G&L? Is it last resort time?
Thanks for reading, and I hope you can forgive me for thinking I knew best...
Dtrmnd
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
I forgot we also have to go to a parent's evening for the youngest two Thursday evening, something I must admit I am dreading now that the school knows wandering if they will say anything.
Do any of you think I should stop the daily calls? As they just show weakness? I feel I am strong enough now to cope without them. (Famous last words)
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
So W just called and wants to meet me to discuss finances this afternoon... I wonder if it's also a test and she will try and be "nice" I have no idea. I will try and remain positive and not buckle, I assume I should be fair but not a complete walkover? What is a fair position?
My W works part time and I earn 5x as much as her... But currently I am sleeping at my mothers or sisters houses and contributing very little. We just moved house, and I don't want to unsettle the kids anymore. But on our current salary's there is no way I can get my own place while they live there. W is meant to be starting increased hours from april and should then bring in additional monies. We also have a lot of debt, in each name created together. Our banking is fully separate.
Obviously I want whats best for the kids and would happily live under a bridge so that they are provided for. However I realise this may make things worse! Particularly after reading Sandy2's guide to WW's!
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
My WW is notorious to do the "let's meet up" and be all sweet, because she wants something. But the minute she asks or gets what she wants, she is right back to acting like a nut. So when you meet with her today and she gets down to the nuts and bolts of things, just say "let me think about it" and do NOT answer right away, even if you know the answer, just stick to the "let me think about it" response.
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
My WW is notorious to do the "let's meet up" and be all sweet, because she wants something. But the minute she asks or gets what she wants, she is right back to acting like a nut. So when you meet with her today and she gets down to the nuts and bolts of things, just say "let me think about it" and do NOT answer right away, even if you know the answer, just stick to the "let me think about it" response.
That sounds like good advice, I will go with that.
I'm just suspicious about whether it is really to talk about money... On the other hand she hates having to ask me for money, not that I don't give it or even ask what it's for.
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
Have you met with an attorney yet throughout your sitch? I see where you say your wife hasn't mentioned D yet, but I also see where she's had (having?) an affair. If I were in a situation where my wife was wayward, and wanted to talk finances with me, I wouldn't do ANYTHING without first running it by my attorney.
And in fact, in my own sitch, that's exactly what I did do. As the Good Book says, "there is wisdom in many counselors."
I have not formally met with an attorney but have spoken to a family friend who is a family law specialist. She has offered guidance in terms of reasonable amounts etc. Legally.
I can tell after tonights conversation it was a definite mixed message... She started on finances and then moved away. She was very curious about the other woman and tried to probe about all kinds of things I was unto in my life.
She then returned to general negativity and guilt tripping to try and make me feel bad. Before finally returning to the financial side of things. I just stuck with "hmm let me think about that" and " yes thats interesting" throughout.
I did though get her to agree (here in the UK lawyers are an expensive accessory not wait so much the commission based norm as the US) that perhaps before either of us agreed to anything we should go and speak to an independent legal advisor. A service that is offered free here in the UK, so we both know where we stand legally before making any decisions.
Having taken legal advice I know that she has un-realistic expectations of what she would receive, something not helped by "friends" offering school yard legal advice etc...
Stil despite that I took today as a positive.
It is one of the first times, she has spoken to me and I have been aware that she is trying to push my buttons and found it easy to not react.
Equally at no time did I agree or back down.
So baby steps, but I can see it was a struggle for her and really the whole financial thing was a smokescreen for her to talk to me about our R...
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
So here's a quick question for you all, we are a one car family. Currently she is taking the car when I have the kids to drive to OM place every weekend. I don't particularly need the car and can cope as I can borrow my mums car as and when needed, but it does make life slightly trickier and I hate the lack of independence it creates. Should I put my foot down about her taking the family car with her at weekends? Am I being too soft letting her take it or would I just be argumentative asking her to leave it. I know its a crappy journey to try and make by train and it might just force him into dropping her off or collecting her. Something I want to avoid as I want him a million miles away from the family home....
So should I ask for the car to be left with the house or not? Thoughts please...
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
When my w walked out last year she "borrowed" the car saying she'd buy me out, then she failed to get a loan on her own and contacted me to say she didnt want maintenance but did need the car, had a claim as she paid off the finance (ignoring who'd paid all the installments of course).
Since I didnt want to add a huge impediment or impact s with education/trips etc I worked out how to get another one.
Who's car is it? Is it registered to you?
Certainly if it's 'your' car with W using it taking it to go see Om seems to be somewhere a boundary may definitely be appropriate.
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
I have not formally met with an attorney but have spoken to a family friend who is a family law specialist. She has offered guidance in terms of reasonable amounts etc. Legally.
I can tell after tonights conversation it was a definite mixed message... She started on finances and then moved away. She was very curious about the other woman and tried to probe about all kinds of things I was unto in my life.
She then returned to general negativity and guilt tripping to try and make me feel bad. Before finally returning to the financial side of things. I just stuck with "hmm let me think about that" and " yes thats interesting" throughout.
I did though get her to agree (here in the UK lawyers are an expensive accessory not wait so much the commission based norm as the US) that perhaps before either of us agreed to anything we should go and speak to an independent legal advisor. A service that is offered free here in the UK, so we both know where we stand legally before making any decisions.
Having taken legal advice I know that she has un-realistic expectations of what she would receive, something not helped by "friends" offering school yard legal advice etc...
Stil despite that I took today as a positive.
It is one of the first times, she has spoken to me and I have been aware that she is trying to push my buttons and found it easy to not react.
Equally at no time did I agree or back down.
So baby steps, but I can see it was a struggle for her and really the whole financial thing was a smokescreen for her to talk to me about our R...
This post reminded me of something I had saved in my own personal archives, about the different "types of convos" and how most of them are pretty cheeseless tunnels when one spouse is wayward:
Types of Convos
Exactly. Here's the thing: if someone is in an ongoing, unrepentant affair, there are only a few types of conversations/communications they can have with their betrayed spouse, and ALL of them are cheeseless tunnels for the BS:
2) Seemingly POSITIVE ones. So long as they are still in contact with OM/OW and lying to their spouse about it, these are all "bullchit spin" at best, and outright GASLIGHTING and LIES at worse. And the problem is, the betrayed spouse inevitably sees this as "baby steps!" and true marital progress, when they are no such thing. They can lead to horrible strategic and tactical mistakes, esp. if the BS doesn't have a good intel system in place. Reading my old journal yesterday, I was BLOWN AWAY at how stable I was able to be in the face of my wife's deceit, simply because I HAD INTEL TO SHOW ME OTHERWISE. This can't be overemphasized.
3) LEGAL/FINANCIAL ones. These are best handled by your attorney, for the obvious reasons. If you start negotiating yourself, when you are way, way, WAY too emotionally entrenched in the situation (and also often running on too-little sleep and WAY too-little emotional needs of your own being met), YOU WILL MAKE FOOLISH MISTAKES and UNWISE CONCESSIONS.
4) FAMILY/LOGISTICAL ones. These are fine, but best handled via e-mail or text message. A cheating spouse will use these as a ploy to lure you into R convos and worse; SEE #1 ABOVE.
5) SMALL-TALK. This is fine, but only in RESPONSE -- don't initiate it if your strategy is to go "dim" and if it's to go "dark" you shouldn't even respond. If it's "dim," then only respond to one of every several communications, and usually delayed, because you're BUSY and GETTING A LIFE, remember?
Re the car, I THOUGHT you were going to ask the oft-asked question here that "should I let wife take the car when she's with the kids, because she's also using it to go be with OM," but this is when YOU have the kids???
Not even a difficult decision, in my mind: HELL NO. I would not do ANYTHING that enables her affair, unless there's some overriding concern with the kids.
In whose name is the car titled? Who paid/pays for it?
Hi Starsky thanks for the advice... The car is in my name.
So today things got a lot worse... or better in terms of intel.
I run the mail server all the stuff goes through for all family emails, there was an issue today and I was sorting some things out. Anyways she had sent an email to herself of an attachment of every conversation upto yesterday she has had with OM/A on whatsapp (their medium of choice for text).
I couldn't resist, I downloaded and started reading... The EA was going on for two months before, chatting online. The first meeting was planned, and not "off the cuff" as claimed. I haven't even read 10% there is such a huge volume to go through... Should I read it all even though it hurts like hell to read? But is more knowledge worth more pain?
So I guess I at least have intel and now know she is wildly in love with her AP and had discussed leaving me for him months ago...
Right now I feel awful and just want to go lie down and cry, but I am determined that this won't knock me off track.
I just need help from you guys on how to sort this out, just glad I didn't make any financial commitments yesterday!
Last edited by Detrmnd; 03/18/1505:02 PM.
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
Hi Starsky thanks for the advice... The car is in my name.
So today things got a lot worse... or better in terms of intel.
I run the mail server all the stuff goes through for all family emails, there was an issue today and I was sorting some things out. Anyways she had sent an email to herself of an attachment of every conversation upto yesterday she has had with OM/A on whatsapp (their medium of choice for text).
I couldn't resist, I downloaded and started reading... The EA was going on for two months before, chatting online. The first meeting was planned, and not "off the cuff" as claimed. I haven't even read 10% there is such a huge volume to go through... Should I read it all even though it hurts like hell to read? But is more knowledge worth more pain?
So I guess I at least have intel and now know she is wildly in love with her AP and had discussed leaving me for him months ago...
Right now I feel awful and just want to go lie down and cry, but I am determined that this won't knock me off track.
I just need help from you guys on how to sort this out, just glad I didn't make any financial commitments yesterday!
Save it, back it up, and give both copies to a TRUSTED third party to go thru for you, and only give you an "executive summary" of it and alert you to any immediate threats (legal, financial).
I'm sorry, Detrmnd. At least you have CLARITY now.
Thanks guys I won't read anymore, I guess there is no point.
Starsky I will pass it to a 3rd party. Though I find it so humiliating I have no idea who..
Also now I must point out that W has been telling anyone who knows that I have been controlling, mentally unwell and that she is not having an A.
In the early parts of the messages she even says "I feel bad because I know this would hurt my husband but I can't stop something that feels this right"so she did as some point acknowledge she was crossing a bridge.
From december there is him asking if she would leave me for him and her saying "in a second" etc...
So Should I expose this to others who she is lying to and painting a picture of me to that justifies her behaviour?
Finally dropping D off earlier she said "I heard mummy on the phone to someone last night saying that 'I just wished that he would just get move on and we could get a divorce so that I could be free'". Now I am mega pissed that D13 overheard this, I know she was talking to OM but I need to mention this to W. How should I react and what should I do or say?
Thanks all of you for your help
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
Sorry to bump this but not sure if I should raise the overheard conversation later? As I have to drop the kids back though she won't be home from OM's till later.
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
Hi Dtr, sorry things are so tough right now. Rotten that you had to read that stuff, and good to stop once you know what is going on. No need to torture yourself any further.
Just on your D overhearing. Does your D know that you plan to raise it with your W? I do think it's appropriate to consider a boundary on this. Your W shouldn't be having convo's like that, which D can overhear. But if D told you in confidence, you may want to let her know that you plan to talk to your W and check that it's ok...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I decided not to raise this tonight as it was just too much for me to keep cool if it escalated. I am seeing D after school tomorrow so I will confirm if it is ok with her before parents evening then we can discuss it afterwards. She was in her bedroom on a separate floor and the D was going up to ask her something.
Honestly I think D has heard a lot more she is of an age where she loves to listen in and I am 90% sure that she knows about W's A but doesn't want to tell me as she is firstly concerned that I would then go crazy and probably B doesn't feel she can unless she is 100% certain.
How should I set out the boundary? In fact how do I go about setting all boundaries? I am travelling with work again next week and will be re-reading DR so any help meanwhile would be great.
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
So I spoke to W today, she called me. D is not coming over this afternoon apparently. I mentioned the overheard conversation and she blew it off claimed it was misheard and that she was talking to a friend about something else... Tried to explain to me what was said.
She then wanted to have a financial chat again, which was rapidly turning into R matters, so I re-directed it to financial. I suggested I could live in the house and look after the kids, or we could do week on week off. Both were not well received.
I think she thinks she should live there, me pay for everything and I can get a little 1 bed hovel and the kids come visit me occasionally whenever she wants to go out.
Finally I said I was busy with work and had to go, informed her that I was going on Friday to the dinner we were invited and assumed she didn't want to. She started trying to say "I don't really feel liking going round there and playing happy families" I cut her off and said well I am looking forward to going so I will tell them you are unwell.
I then said "right see you tonight at the parents evening" and hung up while she was still saying goodbye.
So Is this the right kind of behaviour? Am I making progress? I feel that I controlled the conversation a lot more and was strong and decisive. As I should be, but inside I am terrified I am pushing her away,
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
So we meet for parents evening at 7pm I am going out straight after at 8pm. How vague should I keep things, and is it ok if I go all dressed up or will this antagonise?
I guess I am unsure as to what is the best course of action whenever I see her. Is it fine for me to be dressed up and have plans. But I should say nothing unless asked and remain remote or "dim" as someone put it? And if asked give the bare minimum info such as "Oh I'm just going out later".
Sorry to be asking all the time guys but I made so many mistakes and I am as my handle says "Determined" to make a better fist of DBing this time!
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
Firstly, I would relax and wear what you want to wear to go out. Plus I would keep the going out vague and not mention it unless she asks. But wear a little cologne...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Did as instructed, parents evening went well. She laughed at several small things and seemed in good spirits. She didn't ask if I was going out so I said nothing.
She wants to confirm a financial settlement ASAP, she would like all the bills transferred to her name and me to then pay her a monthly amount. We would split debts, she has also budgeted a small amount for me to pay my mother for food and board and we are left with the same amount of surplus each.
I am wary as to why she wants everything in her name rather than me just paying it all directly as I do. I think she plans to scale back expenditure once I have agreed the amount so as to give her more surplus each month. My issue being that I am happy to pay for the nice things like cable tv so my children can enjoy them, but I am not paying for them then to be switched off and her have the excess. How can I ensure that I am paying to keep my children in comfort and not so she can lead the lifestyle she wants?
Don't get me wrong, this whole thing has taught me how little money means to me. Indeed all the baubles and wealth I have accumulated seem worthless, when they were the thing I used to measure my success with. I really don't care about the financial side of this but am trying to remain logical, fair and reasonable.
I also realise that this is a large test of my DB'ing so as to not be too soft or confrontational.
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
Ok so the 3rd party reading the messages forwarded me several messages that cut me to the core but that we're also alarming. Firstly the OM visited her 4:30 AM on 18th feb at our old house. Secondly she is discussing with him introducing him to the kids. And that she tells him I am a crazy control freak.
Now the issue I have is that I went round calmly to speak to the W about this on Saturday. As him visiting broke an agreed rule, obviously I had to disclose my knowledge of the messages. She spoke to me through her bedroom door and refused to come for a chat out of te house (I now know why but anyways) I just stated I knew everything about her A and we needed to have a proper chat, she flipped out storm down the stairs screaming g at me that it's not an A its "her fantasy" and that she just says these things as he's pushing her! The kids heard everything. Something I was keen to avoid, but it's now out. I I formed her that I felt she should end her A and commit to counselling and working on our marriage. She screamed she would end it with both of us and that she didn't need anyone.
I then took the children to my mothers and returned to speak to her. I did not cry or shout. I told her things were completely over between us. She cried for about an hour asking why I couldn't has changed earlier, and asking why I didn't complain when she started having interesting conversations on line. I stated that we had both made mistakes but that I couldnt change the past. She had gone back on ending the A and started talking about her need to change and grow etc..
I then called time after an hour and left.
She went straight off to the OM as she does every weekend leaving me to deal and explain to the children why mummy was having an affair. So it's been a great weekend for me! That said within a couple Of hours the kids had accepted it all and today seem fine but they have been my focus. I worry what they will say to their mum tomorrow night when she picks them up from school.
Fortunately I am away with work Tuesday to Friday so can easily go dark and she will have to deal with this on her own.
So I am moving on with my life, detaching, GAL and moving forward with my therapy. I'll stick to our arrangement of me having Saturday to Monday and every other Wednesday. Rent a flat/apartment and move on with my life.
The funny thing is despite all of the above and the growing detachment I have never found her more attractive. As I learn to listen and actually here her I find her fascinating and interesting. I guess I was just too blind to see until the BD and sadly for all it is now a lot harder for me to fix.
I will be DB'ing. Listening to Sandi2 and hope that one day slowly my W will come back.
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
The funny thing is despite all of the above and the growing detachment I have never found her more attractive. As I learn to listen and actually here her I find her fascinating and interesting
You know why, don't you?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Ok so the 3rd party reading the messages forwarded me several messages that cut me to the core but that we're also alarming. Firstly the OM visited her 4:30 AM on 18th feb at our old house. Secondly she is discussing with him introducing him to the kids. And that she tells him I am a crazy control freak.
Now the issue I have is that I went round calmly to speak to the W about this on Saturday. As him visiting broke an agreed rule, obviously I had to disclose my knowledge of the messages.
NO, you did not, and this was a major strategic mistake. Never, EVER reveal the source of your intel! Instead, one should only say "STOP IT -- we BOTH know you're lying to me right now. Look, I know all about you and _______ , and it needs to stop. It's incredibly disrespectful to me, to our marriage and to our family."
There is a major strategic and tactical advantage for you when they don't know what you know, and what you DON'T know, but instead you just confidently say that you "know everything." Because then they have to assume that you DO (know everything).
If they press you for the source of your intel, you simply say "I'm not going to say. But we do both know you're lying to me right now, and that's all that's important."
Ok sorry for the delayed update but I'm away with work at the moment.
So... On Monday morning the W returned early in the AM stating she had ended the A. I remained calm and detached, though obviously this pleased me. I have stuck to saying that we are seperated and going on with our lives. I'm Glad I had to fly out Tuesday first thing though or I may have cracked... So Monday night we all had dinner together and the W offered that I could stay (spare room obviously) but I said thank you that's a lively offer but I think it's best I dont.
So... I have been avoiding contact bar essentials... I must admit I'm finding it harder now as I just want to bombard her and shower her with love and begging! However I am sticking to Sandi2's rules and advice and trying to stay strong!!
I thought I had done a great job of detaching but then as soon as she left OM it all came flooding back. I think this is why so many of us LBHs break all the rules as soon as the WW says the A is over..
So I'm trying to stay strong and keep doing my 180's and GAL. Hopefully she will continue to see changes.. Do u guys think this is a positive response to my 180's? A lie? Or just unrelated?
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
Without an uncompromised source of intel, it's tough to say. I do like your "not-so-fast/I'm-afraid-it's-not-that-simple anymore" response tho. #1 mistake LBSs do is let the formerly wayward spouse back in (to the house, to their heart, to the marriage) TOO EASILY.
She was very depressed Monday morning, Then she seemed to get really upbeat a bit manic depressive tbh. I haven't really spoke to her since, apart from family essentials but she seems quite subdued and low not "full of life" certainly.
Also appreciate about the Intel. Time will tell, I will know if she goes there, as the car has to make a toll crossing which has an online account or keeps calling him when my next phone bill comes as its company phones and I get the itemised bill. I can also track her iPhone but I am loathe to do that as it doesn't help my detaching tbh, and then sends me into a spiral if it's bad news...
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
Glad you think I fid the right thing with remaining distant as well though, it almost broke my heart when I knew I could kiss her if I wanted too and she would have let me, there was a moment. But I hugged her instead and changed subject.. I was so tempted though!!
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
Thanks starsky, I find it hard not to get sucked back in! Detached I may be, but it's still hard to not be able to spend time with the love of your life. It's so hard in some ways now I realise the mistakes I made and the amazing person that was next to me that I ignored if anything I lover her more... Don't get me wrong I'm still angry, hurt, etc... But I guess the old adage of you do t know what you've got till u loose it is very true!
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
