MCS, now is not the time you start DBing. You've been DBing all along. If you did a shitty job DB'ing, your W would not be lightening up her NC.
What I see now, is that you are trying to rush things. Your MC got canceled, so you are now trying to invite her to lunch. Bro, thats a pretty big leap, but only you know if thats ok for you to do. If you do, be prepared if the answer is no. Have you ever thought that your so anxious to see her but MC got cancelled, but maybe she feels the same way? So waiting an extra week is not necessarily a bad thing? Just makes the tension build up more? Maybe get some new cologne for next week?
Slow it down. It took you....how many months? 6 months to get to this point? don't rush it and keep letting things naturally progress (I need to take my own advice). IMO, I wouldn't invite her to lunch. Not yet. But thats your call.
What is going on with W and OM? Ive read in a few posts that she seems to have let off of that? But you're not sure if they still are in contact?
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
Let us examine the phrase "holding my family together".
I will initially sound a little negative and this is a phrase I hear a great deal in Gamanon when a partner is actively gambling and is destroying their family life for their addiction. It looks like holding the family together or putting it back together is the best option and actually it isn't possible and neither may it be desirable whilst the gambler is gambling.
MCS your family is a different type of family now, with H and W being parents separately. MCS has no control over W and thus over this aspect of family. This could be temporary or unhappily permanent but it is as it is today.
It probably easy for you to see that with the case of the gambler. Your W is silimilar she is addicted and has gone. This addiction of W will have to run its course and there is no longer way other Than letting it do so. Just as the non gambler has to be the stable influence and allow the gambler to fall and to 'hit bottom' , then MCS: W will need to do the same.
Does this mean MCS has to cover for W? absolutely not. Does MCS want to put together his family with M and D at the core? Of course he does, but that may mean for the time being at minimum, or forever possibly separately parenting.
The A could last as long as 3 years in its beginning phases before reality strikes in phase 2 for A. Only MCS knows what he will do and he must do what is best for his children. From how you describe your children and their unhappiness then MCS another way of acceptance to reduce the unhappy environment must be found.
MCS can choose to create a different family environment for his children and can V suggest that at this time that would MCS be the dad 'holding the family together'? MCS this is something RD500 does well for his children and Jim is loving his family life with his much younger children. Can mums and dads do this on their own? absolutely yes.
MCS the well being of your family unit and your children is your action. Please choose the course of action that MCS by being the best MCS that he can be is the father lighting the way to family life for his children and himself. Even though this may not be the family life he prefers. The family is not broken to be held together like a piece of fired pottery, it is more like plasticine and hence the family has changed and moulded to a different shape, a different piece which is of itself beautiful.
MCS, you have no control over W in this. Go be the best MCS and create the best family you can for MCS and for your children. Your children will see this and tread their own path.
My prayers are with MCS and for the strength to make today the best family day for MCS and his children. Held in love and not merely held together.
Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 02/18/1505:48 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thanks, I guess your right; it has gotten better and not worse. Its been going against what I would have done if I hadn't found DR and LRT; so I guess I have been doing it. I guess for me, it feels like I'm at the point that I can start to formulate a DB plan. Maybe a call to a coach is in my future, IDK.
Originally Posted By: TLEE86
What I see now, is that you are trying to rush things..........
Slow it down. It took you....how many months? 6 months to get to this point? don't rush it and keep letting things naturally progress (I need to take my own advice)
Yep, you are exactly right. It was one of those things that the last day or so, I've felt that I needed to do something, but I know better but wasn't admitting it to myself. So, I came and posted and you and V told me what I needed to hear. Like I said, I don't believe in coincidences anymore; there's stuff deeper than that. After I posted, I called my mom....know what she said even prior to mentioning I was getting antsy to do something...."MCS, be patient; everything has fallen into place w/o you needing to interfere. Trust your faith." So all of you folks are saying the same thing, at the same time. Its uncanny how in sync everyone is in all the different aspects of my life. Thanks a lot.
Originally Posted By: TLEE86
What is going on with W and OM? Ive read in a few posts that she seems to have let off of that? But you're not sure if they still are in contact?
No Clue.....She hasn't said anything to me at all. The kids don't mention him being over there. However, I think if things were progressing, now that she has a house that he would be over there more (or move in.) Also, I'm at the point that I'm detached enough that I really don't care with the exception of knowing that I can't really expect anything about working on our R with him in the picture. They work in the same building, so there's little chance of absolutely NC with him which will make this hard. I look back and I really do think my biggest issue was exposure of him to our kids. At a minimum (if their A is still going) it seems like she has honored this request; so I'm happy about that.
Last edited by MCS; 02/18/1506:10 AM.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
The family is not broken to be held together like a piece of fired pottery, it is more like plasticine and hence the family has changed and moulded to a different shape, a different piece which is of itself beautiful.
Vanilla
V,
This one quote here is so beautiful and thought provoking. I look at what my relationship with my kids has become and I'm really proud of that. That is one of the blessings in this whole mess. We have a blast at home and do a lot of things that we wouldn't have done in our hum-dum life before BD. Here's a list of things that we have done just over the last couple weeks.
- Movie night in the 'man cave' in the basement. - Went bowling for the first time (D4 just said this weekend she wanted to go back) - Cosmic (black-light) inflatable bounce house - Went swimming in the pool at the college (it was 10F degrees outside) - Kids night at their favorite restaurant - Special boxes from Amazon (they always say all the boxes that come are for me) - Some cool Valentines Day gifts and candy for them
V, I see that this has really re-adjusted my priorities and the kids are first in my life. I used to work a little later in the evening than W, but now I see that I pick them up from school that the time that they first get home from school is nice for them because they just like to be at their house and chill out.
I also see that other people see me as the stability. The after-school care just the other day said how joyful, personable and amazing our kids are and I caught myself tearing up and actually knowing exactly what they were talking about.
After my S5 decided to carve into our friends' table (part of the issues this weekend) I saw that I didn't loose my patience and had established the balance of discipline and empathy for him. After I got him to calm down, I went out into the garage by myself at my friends house and just cried for a few minutes. It was so tough understanding what they were going through, but still needed to be a parent at the same time. Later, as I was leaving one of my friends gave me a hug and said to me that it must be tough for me with everything going on. She then said to me "MCS, you're a really good Dad and you love them a lot" Well, then I teared up again.
My kids have always been so important to me, but since BD, they have become the center of everything I do. Even at their young age, they are the rock that I lean on by making sure that I'm doing everything possible for them. It still hurts when I see them hurting, but I can understand that I need to face that I can't do anything about W's decisions and how it affects them, but I need to do the best things I can do for them right now.
Last edited by MCS; 02/18/1506:34 AM.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
I enjoyed with great delight hearing about MCS and his children. As you focus on your R with your children so your spirits will lift and know the purpose of your higher power.
The more this is to the fore in your life as your life force then the more energy you will have for MCS. This is joy every day with each child, hugs, love and pure pleasure in the R which is enfolding in your life.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Picked up kids today and found out W took S5 to the doctors at some point this week, she dropped his medicine off at D4's daycare. Some heads up would have been nice
Found out from D4 that wife is going on vacation this weekend (W did say she was out of town) with SIL. As you know SIL has her head on straight, and wasn't too happy with W before. This is a good thing and can only be a positive influence.
Picked up D4 today and she was wearing S5's boots, just weird....why?!?
S5's after school provider mentioned to me today that W was picking S5 up last week and D4 was in sandals and a skirt in 20 degree weather. She kind of nicely asked what was up with that? I replied that I think that W doesn't interfere with what she wears and I didn't know why.
So this is about the 6th different person and probably the 15th separate incident, many who don't even know the sitch questioning how the kids are dressed. I don't know how to respond to these, I've chose not to even ask W about it anymore, it's just annoying
So, no trace of OM while the kids are there. That's a good thing, however D4 said that they bumped into OM's GF and kid at the store, so I'm guessing she still doesn't know. Maybe this thing has died down or maybe W knows that she can't expose the kids w/o them telling me. I don't know and frankly don't care other than trying to figure out if W's recent communication changes are a result of the A finally being over. I guess it's the best I can hope for right now, it doesn't seem to be progressing at all.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
S5's after school provider mentioned to me today that W was picking S5 up last week and D4 was in sandals and a skirt in 20 degree weather. She kind of nicely asked what was up with that?
I don't know about the others, but this one I would take seriously. My D was headstrong too about her wardrobe choices but at 4 there is a lot you can do to make sure the options are weather appropriate. It would be worthwhile to talk to your W about it. School, daycare, and healthcare providers are mandatory reporters. If they feel that your D is being cared for in a way that could endanger her (reasonable thinking if she's wearing sandals in 20 degree weather), they will report and that is not fun to deal with (speaking from secondhand experience).
I'm sorry I haven't followed your sitch lately. But I'm wondering, based on this ONE post, what you've focused on in yourself?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Thanks for checking in. Here's a listing of things I'm working on
Stop being a 'fixer' for sitchs outside my control Figure out how to be less judgmental with other people's decisions Work on my anger w W putting our family in this sitch Be more empathetic to other's decisions More intimacy and emotion in relationships (I got complacent in our M)
As far as your suggestions, I'm not sure that it's to that level. Up until this point, the criticism has been people that know W and see the change in her parenting style. This is the first one that really didn't know W. I didn't get that she was overly concerned when she asked me, but D4 was dressed strangely today since W had kids this morning and I picked them up after school. She said something half laughing saying about her fashion style and how last week she thought she must have been cold because she was in a skirt and open toed shoes.
D4 gets dressed herself and often comes down in a sun dress when I have her, I usually just say that she needs to get a long shirt/ pants on than she'll go get changed without much issue. I think W is just not asking her to get changed.
Anyway, due to things I'm working on and the monumental struggles in communication about anything including the kids that we have had up until recently (she was pretty much NC for 5 months) I'm not going to say anything, but I understand the concern.
Last edited by MCS; 02/21/1506:14 AM.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
MCS, Ive read several times, actually almost too many to count, about your W and her lack of attention? to D4's wardrobe...Im still confused by it as far as why its happening...I don't have kids myself but can understand from yours and Belle's post that kids dress however they want, and unless someone says something they just keep doing it...
What is W's issue with this? Is there a reason she's not saying anything? I know you're saying its her "change in parenting style" but its just weird to me?
You're list looks great MCS. One question for you on your last note. "More intimacy and emotion in relationships (I got complacent in our M)"
How are you planning on doing this since your W is not at this level right now? Im assuming this is not with other women at this time?
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
