So just got back from my work trip. It was an odd one. I went on pretty similar trip about a month after BD and it caused me to remember how I felt back then. Now, I see I'm much more emotionally stable, but for some reason it made me feel lonelier not being at home. This is all centered around this desire that is building in me for affection and intimacy. Not sure really what to do about this, but as I said over on Mozza's thread I see my desires to be with 'anyone' is starting to take over. Most of the folks I was traveling with were in the military at one point and I joked how could they go on deployment for 6 months. The one guy replied back, I was single and that's what Thailand was for...oye ve
Anyway, this was the first week that W had the kids for a full week of school. Remember, she moved about 25 minutes away. So, my daycare took me aside and said that they were concerned with how my wife seemed to be around the kids. Nothing horrible, but said that she just constantly seemed frazzled and on edge. At one point, they said that W brought D4 into daycare and wanted her to use the potty. D4 said she didn't need to and W put her on the toilet and held her legs down to it and was yelling at her to go. Daycare said how W was acting just made her feel uncomfortable and she almost said something to W. IDK, I do admit, they know most all of the sitch (they found out about OM first through some of W's lies to other people) so they've been pretty upset, especially what it means for the kids. However, she said to me that she feels W is just overwhelmed and not 'there.'
So, part of me just wants to talk to W about it, but I know I can't. I actually was thinking last week that this may be what happens this week as this is the first full week with the kids. I remember my first week and it was stressful, but I don't know if I should be worried or not. She's with the kids next week too, so I guess we'll see.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties of D4 during her first full week with WAW. It must be hard to hear as a father, especially knowing that qualified people at the daycare were concerned. The anecdote about the potty is troubling as it sounds like the worst way to get a child to relax and just go. I don't know if it's a coincidence, but my WAW also has a fixation on kids' toilet use. She wants them to go all the time.
I agree that the actions of your WAW sound like those of someone who's overwhelmed. Parenting is hardest when you don't want to do it. Unless your daughter is at risk, it is just poor parenting. I would expect the situation to be temporary as your WAW finds her footing. For instance, things seem to have improved a little with my WAW or at least she doesn't call me anymore because she's overwhelmed. The kids mention not doing much and being quite happy to see me, but they don't complain about their treatment with her.
Before I throw the first stone at my WAW, I try to keep in mind that I'm not a perfect father either. Sometimes, I get them to bed too late for a story, something that's very important to my WAW. The list is long, like for most parents. It would be similar if you were still together.
Your WAW will have to find her bearings and become the mother she used to be. Hopefully, it's just an adapt period. I'm still nervous in the 24 hours before I get the kids back because of the coming level of responsibility and work, after a week of taking care only of myself. So even stable people can find it difficult.
Thanks for sharing your feelings about companionship with honesty. I appreciate it and will respond to your post on my thread.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Yeah, the companionship thing is the next thing for me to tackle. I'm just not sure how. I've been pretty adamant that I'm still married and therefore don't want to date, but I'm not sure how to fill that void. I don't know sitch with W and OM, but I guess they still talk. So even if it's not physical, that emotional connection is probably still there for her. I don't see her reaching out to me until that would be finished. I'm just confused on what the next step is for me. I guess I can't see myself going for years feeling like this, if W doesn't come around or actually process a D. I guess it's one day at a time.
About my D4, probably a few months ago I would have said something to my wife about it, but i know better now.
I guess my biggest thing is that W told me she would be a better mom for the kids w/o me because she will have 'emotional stability.' Of course it's spew for the real reason she left. However her parenting seems like it's quite the opposite right now. But that's something she needs to work through as you said.
I prefer to see this as a little bit of a silver lining because up until this point, wife only had the kids weekends. The constant day in day out grind of balancing work and kids school has been on me. Don't get me wrong, as you all know I wanted that for what I felt was stability for the kids. Also, I've had 6 months to settle into that role, but it's quite the 180 for me from before BD. We used to take turns dropping off or picking up, but I usually worked more hours than her. This change is one that I couldn't show to her, but now she probably has experienced that difference in lifestyle first hand. I get into work late and have to leave early. Usually work from home after kids go to bed just to keep up. My bosses have been awesome through the whole thing, but it is stressful and taxing on everyone.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
You appear to have identified that your anger stems from loss of your family and that is directed at W. It is not righteous anger as an overall result of W behaviour within the religious context. W is defying religious conventions of leaving and the A is the most important part of it, and the loss of religious connection?
Have I understood correctly?
I have read and reread your posts and I am glad that IC is helpful. I would like to see you more at peace with this as I think your anger may cause you to react sooner than you should and possibly with more force.
It is V belief that if your precious children are in any way at risk that MCS must take action. The incident with W at the nursery is at minimum upsetting. MCS, this seems to me to be worth a closer look and certainly a review at the nursery. Mza is right on this and as a fellow parent will give good guidance.
It can be the case that W is projecting to you her own feelings in her sitch, her sense that she is at sea and her parenting skills are less than maximum. I doubt though there is such a thing as a perfect parent!
It is clear W is coping poorly and she is paying a heavy price for her actions, her EA/PA with OM is probably not the happy ending W was seeking. Reality is kicking in especially with parenting taking its toll.
In addition MCS has changed, his more child centred focus and more involvement with his children means that what was a valid disgruntlement by W is no longer so. It is harder to spew on you were x, y, z pre BD. As the valid response is, this now and different. The spew is then you will go back to that! The response only time will tell, but MCS says it is intention to put that behind him.
W is lost MCS without her happy ending and she will need to turn it around for herself. If W can not cope then you as the more stable parent may need to step up to the plate.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
As far as my anger, I think it's a combination of both, but much deeper in loss of the family. I guess the reason for this is that I'm almost willing to look past the A as multiple bad decisions. I guess I'm still in denial,with that, but I can say I only rarely feel the deep hurt of betrayal. The only reason for that is that I feel I need to suppress that for trying to preserve my family. I guess with her and her religion, it's almost feels like another farce that is going on right now. I know I need to get to the point of forgiveness regardless of the outcome, but I feel that the devastation that this is doing to my family is preventing that. S5 was praying tonight that we could get back togehpther and said that since daddy still likes mommy, he wants mommy to like daddy back. These things tear me up inside.
As far as parenting, I need to walk a careful line. I think In the beginning, I definitely was too critical on some of the parenting, which definitely contributed to bolstering how she felt before she left. I look at these things and daycare sees the same thing as me, a huge change in her parenting style, but I haven't seen anything that crosses the line. It's just another contribution to the weird behavior that she has portrayed.
One of my friends was talking about his ex-wife who, was a pretty bad alcoholic. He said that he tried everything at first to try and protect the kids from her, but the more he tried to keep them sheltered, the more she pushed. He said once he backed off, she lost interest and was overwhelmed with them and ended up backing off in custody anyway. Interestingly, he said that when he went to get the courts to intervene, they leaned so much to W's position that he finally had to get a protective order for his daughter and they still wouldn't give him custody.
That is way more extreme from my W sitch and I realize that as long as she wants to be part of their lives, the kids deserve to be with there mom. It's tough to come to grips with that, but it's best for them.
With my W, I hate to say that I anticipated this, in that her personality is that when she wants something; she puts every waking moment into getting it. I think this translates to the kids, she's preoccupied with trying to figuring out her life right now and unfortunately it's causing her a lot of stress for the kids. The month or so before BD (after the hotel room for OM that she said he didn't go) she was acting the same way, very short temper and lack of patience for the kids. I thought it was stress at work and was the main reason that I asked her why she seemed so distant for the last month which led to the BD.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
So, I'm in a weird place of emotions right now. It's nowhere near what is what a couple months ago, but I find that my feelings about the sitch vary widely in a course of a few hours. I go from wanting my W, to being mad at her, to being depressed that I can't save my family, to being excited about looking at the future with someone else. I feel like a high school girl. I talk to IC today and caught myself saying that I'm numb with the betrayal that W has done. I told her about how my anger is centered around the dissolution of our family. I guess maybe I've supressed it or am still in denial. This had been going on for so long, I look back and don't know what to believe. It also bothers me that she was ML with me and not fully into it (she's said she's never ML with OM and I believe her that it was probably that way before she left, IDK) I'm not sure why someone would do that in a marriage. Another piece of this horrible lie she has had for >1 year. I understand how she resented me being content In the M when she was struggling with all of these other things.
Dropped kids off at Target today at her suggestion. Weird that she wanted it there, I thought she may need to go shopping, but when I got there she was inside. I texted her that I was there and she asked in the parking lot? I said yeah and she came out right away with nothing in her hand. I thought she was going to take the kids shopping, but then just put them in the car. It was just weird, I wonder if she wanted me to come in with the kids and spent a little bit of time together? Probably reading into it, it was just an odd arrangement.
Anyway for me, I had a pretty tough weekend with the kids. I don't know if it was the schedule change, but they were both out of sorts. S5 see,s to be having some anger issues. He had some in the beginning of this, it settled down for a few months, but it seems to be brewing again.
IDK, it almost seems like I'm starting to be okay with the situation between W and I, but the family sitch is what I'm holding onto. I wonder if this is where she was over the last year before BD, trying to hold onto it for the family, but felt she was sacrificing her happiness for it. I just wish that she would have said ANYTHING to me about our M or her not being happy (it was just 1 time in passing and that was it)
Last edited by MCS; 02/17/1507:42 AM.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
So, I went back and read my post. When I said about W not ML to OM prior to BD, i was a little off on how I feel. I think for most of the A 8-10 months, it was just casual stuff. However, I think W reserved that hotel room for them to go to the next step. She said that he never came up there, but I do think that afterwards something happened. This is where I think the downward spiral of guilt and resolution to be with OM took hold in W. The month before BD things where definitely different in how she acted. Our ML it was really one sided. In fact, that's why I confronted her right before BD, I didn't want to be intimate when she clearly wasn't into it. It was the second or third time that month and it was more than just a 'headache' type thing.
So, the reason I say this is that I think that this is the last part that W is holding out telling me. She's denied it many times, but I did see that text message about them getting together. At one point, she said something strange when I confronted about OM like "I've never 'been' with anyone else when we were married." Now, the difference is we've only been together with each other in our lives. I wonder if at some point she felt 'she' wasn't married to me anymore and then that was what made her okay with it. Then when we were taking about this text message, That was what I went off on with respect to what she did with the kids, but I wonder if that's the last piece of info that she feels that I wouldn't be okay with. My reaction was enough for her to shut back down.
Knowing my wife, she would internalize this and then move on instead of confronting it within herself. Also, I think she would need to tell me in order for her to start to look at us getting back together, but she wouldn't because she would feel it would hurt me too much. Dealing with these emotions within herself and not running from them is part of what she needs to change, but I'm wondering how I can work the sitch to help her trust me on it. It really doesn't make a difference given all of the other stuff that has happened, but I feel that it may be the linchpin holding us back.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Your W is a wayward, even if you knew the answers it will not help you now. There will come a time when you can seek the answers you need.
W needs to do nothing! MCS there goes that control again.
Vanilla thinks that the linchpin holding you back is control again.
Stop asking the same questions, if you keep doing the same things you will keep getting the same results. W denies it many times, MCS, stop this loop, this obsession with OM.
Let W deal with W and MCS deal with MCS.
I say this kindly as I want MCS to be working on MCS and building a life for his children. As the stable parent MCS this is an additional aspect for you to handle. Be detached for your children, to increase the relaxation in your home.
Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 02/17/1511:17 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thanks, its what I needed. I guess I'm getting antsy that we just passed our 6 month mark, she seems to be out of her 'fog' somewhat and our communication is slightly better. I'm just writing some of these things because I see a change in her recently and I feel like 'now' is where I can start DBing because the NC that she implemented seems to be lightening up.
Another piece is that I think I'm regressing because I'm holding back moving on. I can feel that I'm moving over to the point that my patience now is to try and keep my family together and not necessarily all for me and her. I guess that's not a bad thing.
My problem is that I don't know what to do right now. I guess its just waiting, but I'm not sure. Our MC got canceled today for snow, so I guess my time this week to interact is gone. Part of me wants to test the waters, by asking her if she wants to grab lunch or something, but I'm not sure if that would make her back-pedal. I guess I'm just trying to figure out what I can do to help along her regaining her trust in me, as I see that is the first step we need to make. Interestingly enough, regaining our trust in each other is what she said she thought we needed back in Oct. when we talked that weekend. That's why we made the MC appointment. However, when we got there; she said it was just about custody and logistics. Maybe she was right, but not ready to start working on our trust up until recently.
Last edited by MCS; 02/18/1504:38 AM.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
