Part 1 - Initial disappearance and NC from beginning by W, unsure of why W left, found out about OM, one weekend of talking about reconciling, then NC from W, initiate mediation I thought everything was okay
Part 2 - Continued NC from W, further distance from W about kids, MCS figures out judgmental tendencies, W finally comes gets her things, stress over communication about kids I thought everything was okay.....(Part 2)
Part 3 - MCS tries to figure out how to control his anger about the sitch. MCS thinks he's 'done' with DB by allowing himself to get too stern about communications about the kids. MCS finds that he's actually starting to detach (finally.) W reduces her NC at counseling and starts to ask MCS about how he's feeling and what he needs for closure. I thought everything was okay.....(Part 3)
Things I'm (still) working on.
Detach, detach, detach (Getting much better) GAL outside of doing fun things alone Figure out how to communicate about Kids (starting to get a little better) STFU about some of her decisions (Doing good at this one) Try to keep open mind of small changes in sitch (Needs some improvement)
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
So a recap. It seems like we may have turned the corner as far as discussions about the kids and the overall sitch (not necessarily the marriage)
I've gotten angry at counseling when W seems to ignore the impact the sitch is having on the kids. I finally detached because of this anger. I then told W that she has the choice to either communicate better about the kids or keep it the way it has been (1 line email once a week, 30 min. of mediation.) I planned this into our session as it didn't seem that anything else was working.
After I was stern on that, she tried to cancel MC, but the C talked her out of it. He suggest she reach out and see how I'm 'feeling' about sitch. Just recently, she opened up and asked about how I was about what has happened, expressed that she understands why I'm upset and admitted she's lied to me for a 'long' time.
Much easier conversation good interaction with less hesitation and anger/isolation from both me and W. I can see that we are both learning how to communicate given the current situation. No real signs of any turn in her decision, but it appears that W may be starting to get out of her fog. She's acting more 'normal' and started to voice some of her feelings also.
No real status about OM since a little after Xmas. W actually seemed embarrassed when S5 snuck in a blanket to counseling with the favorite football team of OM. W seems to be a fan now, even though she's always hated football. I seem to care less about what's going on with that, but realize my hands are tied until its actually over.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Thanks for checking in. I've been reading your sitch, but you seemed to be in good hands with the advice you are getting. I actually see things the same as you. The uncertainty that she has is probably part of the 'search' to find who she is. It makes it so more complicated that kids are involved. It was tough for me, but make sure that you have the kids first during your decisions over the next couple weeks.
For me, it has been a GAL weekend. Funny thing with advice is that you normally don't understand it until you are in the situation that you need it. Right now, that's detaching. I thought my Love for my W would dry up if I detach, but its more of just in a holding pattern.
I actually talked to my Pastor today, which was a big step for me since we both are going to the same church. I told him about my reservations of telling him some of the things, since I felt for a while that it would invade my W's privacy. Of course I didn't go into anything other than saying there was 'someone else.' Anyway, he replied back without hesitation about every reason we are here doing DBing.
'No matter what the outcome, you are realizing that you are doing everything possible'
'In relationships, the one that loves the most, usually has the least amount of power/control'
'MCS, you are not doing this just because you want to be married to her, but you also see the goodness in her; even though she might not right now'
'MCS, you are her Husband and a Father, when we have struggles in life, doing whatever we can to keep the balanced is the thing we need to do; even though it never is easy'
'You are showing me, that you thing she's worth the fight. Hopefully, she will see that too'
'MCS, realize that W knows what she did is wrong and she's struggling with it; she doesn't need anyone else to tell her that' (not in reference to me saying anything, just a general observation since he knows my W)
Anyway, it was reassuring and I came away feeling more confident in my DBing. He did say that I'm a 'fixer' and it must be a struggle once I identified a problem that I can't be able to fix it. Also said that going through this whole sitch must be so taxing and overwhelming. Trying to do it with constantly trying to preface or react to how she is feeling at the time must be impossible.
So, in other news; GAL weekend. Just had a bunch of work friends over for a party. Seemed like everyone had a good time, folks were impressed with how good the house looked, how prepared I was for the party (being a guy and all) and also how laid back everything was. Overall a good time, tons of food and drink and happiness in the house.
Lastly, I think that I was about to get 'set up' tonight. I've heard through the grapevine that there's some folks surveying the field of their friends, they just know that I'm not ready yet. I heard one of my co-workers say to another co-worker...'I thought your friend was coming over with you guys' she replied something about how it didn't work out.
Not a big deal, if it was; but I'm glad it didn't happen. However, its a good boost to the good ole' self esteem. I'm sure that there's this balance when detached; but it is good to feel like I'm that 'guy' that people are trying to set up with their single friends. Selfish, sure; but like I said...I know its not the time.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Is your Pastor going to speak with your wife? If she's still attending church doesn't he have a duty to implement church discipline??
Jesus didn't point to the woman at the well and say "there's a good woman, she is just lost right now", no instead he went up to her and told her to "go and sin no more".
It's the least understood and hardest part of a Pastor's job but he's got a flock to protect and a woman (your wife) that needs help and a lifeline.
As far as dating, you're still married and modeling appropriate behavior for married persons to you young children. If you date your kids will have 2 parents that know and understand very little about the marriage covenant. Your vows before God and family remain...until the don't. You have a biblical out, either take it and divorce or wait and see if you can reconcile without breaking your vows. YMMV.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
Thanks for chiming in. I'm a thinker and you'll see most of what you have said here, I've thought and prayed long and hard about. One thing out of this whole situation is how much closer I am to my faith. One line in a song comes to my head about this is
"Make me broken, so I can be healed. 'Cause I'm so calloused And now I can't feel"
Well, I was calloused and I definitely can feel now.
First, for me....there's no way I'm dating right now. It was just a boost to my self esteem that people thought that I was a good guy and thought of me this way (i.e. I'm 'marketable'). I can tell you I'm lonely and crave affection, but that's part of being patient.
You are correct I am still married. I feel that way through and through. This is the worse in the "for better or worse"....When I said it wasn't a big deal, I didn't mean about me not getting set up. i meant that I wouldn't make a big deal about them 'trying' to do it, because I'm not interested. They all know that I want this to work out with my W.
I will tell you from a religious aspect, I'm in agreement. The covenant was not just between my wife and I, but also with Him. In fact, one of the reasons that I wanted to reach out to my pastor was to try and figure out how/when a M is actually finished in the eyes of God. I think that my W has thought that she is no longer married to me and its confusing me. I've said you get married in the church and divorced in a courthouse....Where's the closure from a religious standpoint? I know I have an 'out' from what the Book says; but how I see it there's also a lot in there about unconditional love, and well....that 'out' would be a condition to love. I've never thought too much about that Psalm (I think) about Love and all of the attributes. Patient, kind, obedient, rejoices in the truth... Look at those and you have DB almost to a tee.
As far as my W and the Pastor, I'm not sure what he is going to do. Like I said, I was worried for a while that he would approach her. She spent the first couple months after BD shutting out so many people in her life, but she was still going to church and I didn't want to do anything to jeopardize that. Since I detached, I realized that as long as I'm true to myself and to Him, that I can't be worried about how she's going to react to things I do that are right and good. That's one more piece of control that I'm letting go.
He didn't know actually what was really going on before yesterday other than she left suddenly, I didn't know why and we were still separated. He did say that last time he saw her, he said to her that everyone loves her and they are there for her. He also said someone from the Church was going to try to reach out to talk with her.
Lastly, have you seen the movie 'Fireproof?' If not, its pretty good. Not the best DBing (or acting) in there sometimes, but there's one thing that I thought when I read your post. The guy is trying to convince his W of his love for her and the harder he pushes the more she pushes away and he wants to 'give up' on her.
They make the connection that in life, even when we know that we have the right path in front of us, we often push away. However, Jesus doesn't give up on us nor 'force' us to believe in his salvation. We have to make the conscious choice to follow Him. Pastor's have the same struggle. I know he's looking out for her and knows the right path, but he needs to be delicate that she doesn't push herself farther away.
Last edited by MCS; 02/03/1501:06 AM.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
So, just a check in about the sitch....some goodness, I think. I'll take as many baby steps as I'm given right now.
Like I said, our conversation was different last week. It was like I saw glimpse of my W in our talk.
Normally on Monday's, I get a one line email about the kids "Kids were fine" or if she adds something else, it's about going closer to D (i.e. bills, finances, etc.)
Well today, she sent me a long email about the kids and setting things up for them in the near future, PreK for D4, school stuff for S5. Then she even said about me bringing his report card so she could see it. It doesn't seem much, but I was glad that she referenced it because it has seemed like she's been so distant with them.
Anyway, I'm not sure if it was me, her or just timing for both of us. I did use a 'Starsky'-like approach to the other week
"Its your decision W if you are comfortable about our current Communication about the kids or whether you want to improve it"
Anyway, it appears like the fog is lifting and DB aside, its good to see some of the motherly instinct coming back, while it seemed to be suppressed for the last couple months.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Also, heard from the kids that W went to church with her one BFF and family. These friends usually go to the church location that I go to, so going to the one that W goes to has to be out of coordination. They've kept in contact over the last couple months, but this seems like a good thing.
Lastly, a little mind-reading, prognosticating......Kids said they 'hung out' with mom and watched the Kitten Bowl last night. No OM during the weekend, it seems. I guess I expected that W would have tried something to get around him for the game. I figured if anything, she'd have him (his GF) and some other friends over, kinda glad that there wasn't anyone.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
So MCS, Ive been following your sitch for a while, even more interested since we had that one convo about Christian Rock remember? Ive never been a super religious person, but somehow talk of religion has continued to draw me even closer to your thread. I think you bring up an interesting point on the..where's the closure from a religious standpoint and Im curious to see what you continue to come up with. For now, I don't think you can go wrong with unconditional love. One last note on this topic, Im assuming your familiar with the radio station KLove- have you tried the 30day challenge yet? Ive been on and off with it, really wanting to try it, but I love country music too much!
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Anyways back to your current sitch..I think its awesome that you and your W seem to be making strides in communication regarding your kids. What do you think you are doing/did differently to actually make this happen? I remember when you posted a little bit ago that you thought you had a breakthrough with your W, but what exactly did you do different to cause this, if anything? I think its important to identify it, and keep it up because it will more than likely apply to communication with your W in general, not just about the kids.
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
Ok, one last note then I'm done preaching. For some reason I decided to look up the daily devotional from Joyce Meyer (W loves her) and it seems pretty applicable to everyone here. Just thought Id share it on your thread since we;re on the subject of religion and your pastor. ------ Now to Him Who is able to keep you without stumbling or slipping or falling, and to present [you] unblemished (blameless and faultless) before the presence of His glory in triumphant joy and exultation [with unspeakable, ecstatic delight]—to the one only God, our Savior through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory (splendor), majesty, might and dominion, and power and authority, before all time and now and forever (unto all the ages of eternity). - Jude 24–25
Just as a little three-year-old girl in the middle of a swimming pool can feel in over her head, at various points in our lives, all of us feel we're getting "out of our depth" or "in over our heads." But the reality is that without God we're always in over our heads.
There are problems all around in this life: a job is lost, someone dies, there is strife in the family, or a bad report comes from the doctor. When these things happen, our temptation is to panic, because we feel we've lost control. But think about it—just like the child in the pool, the truth is we've never been in control when it comes to life's most crucial elements. We've always been held up by the grace of God, our Father, and that won't change. God is never out of His depth, and therefore we're as safe when we're in life's "deep end" as we were in the kiddie pool.
-Joyce Meyer ----
Im done. But I think this emphasizes, we can only do what we can, in the end, its not up to us.
Last edited by TLEE86; 02/03/1502:13 AM.
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
