M 53 W 44 D25 D20 S22 PA 10/95 BD abt 2k EA BD 9/2004 PA D'd 1/05/05 DB'd 9/2004-08 PA ends 02/2005 XW rehab 03/2005 piecing until OM3 June?/2005 Remarried 12/28/07 BD 12/18/14 Sep living together
Wow...thanks for shring Wonka! This MLC stuff Is as clear as mud. Lol
Now what do you thing...about the difference between a LBS and MLC. 25yrs thinks it's sll an excuse and I can understand why she feels that way. Your thoughts?.
I do NOT think "it's all an excuse". I said I worry that there are some who mistakenly focus on it and don't recognize that they must work on themselves no matter what.
There are some who believe that IF it's MLC, then they can just sit and wait and hope. That somehow it means their spouse is more likely to return...that they have no work to do...and they love to mock the "Crazy MLCer", rather than working on their lives...
I believe that The LBS course of action,
to GAL, do 180s and become a spouse only a fool would leave,
is the same, regardless of whether it's an MLC or a WAS.
THAT^^ was the point I was trying to make.
I know I spent way too much time focussed on what my H was thinking and dong and planning and endlessly asking "WHY??" (A question with no "good" answer).
I worry that too many lbs'ers focus on the WAS rather than on creating a more fulfilling life for themselves and their kids.
But SOME spouses who leave, are not like others. SOME have inner issues that are not very related to the marriage and IF they work whatever the heck that is,
they MAY be more likely to have an awakening of their own, but I can't say that this would not occur, anyway.
IN some ways, I wonder what difference it makes.
But Wonka has another theory and makes good points. I'm not comfortable being put in a position where one of us has to be made wrong on such a nebulous matter.
Hope this helps in some small way.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hi 25yrs Thanks for clarifying. Sorry if I misunderstood. I didn't think either of you were wrong. I thought you both had some valid points. I have learned a lot from what you have posted on my and others threads.
I agree with what you are saying. It is easy to become obsessed with the "whys"
I think my ex has issues that are most definenately beyond the marriage.
I allowed myself to get sucked back in a few months ago and it set me back. I'm moving forward now without the hope of reconciliation. My ex hasn't changed and I would not be happy being back were we were.
Thanks again for all of you much appreciated comments and insights. I hope you will stick by me as I move forward.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
No exercise today ( other than dog walks ) . Heading out for a little retail therapy. Lol
Thinking today that I am blessed. I have a beautiful condo. I am in good health and fit. I have amazing adult children and a SD that I am close too. I have a little dog that loves me 24/7. It is sunny and spring like temps here. I know who I am and what my values are. I am a wife that only a fool would leave. I'm on my own now and that's ok.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Retail therapy successful! I bought and new sweater 70% off. Lol
Just realized I sent my letter to my ex with my second hotmail address. One he doesn't have. It's probably in his Junk mail. Oh well. I will I think as him to meet me for coffee in a few weeks. I want to discuss SD, his paying me what he owes and filing for divorce.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Just heading to bed. I have to get up early in the morning and take care of all the sick people. Lol
This will make a few of you laugh. I was texting with My friend to night. She was asking for my advise after a weekend of fighting with her BF. She was putting lots of pressure on him. I told her sometimes you have to learn to STFU. She texted back what's STFU? Hahahah.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Im sorry you are in such an uncertain state about the pay out. Its horrible. I lent my H €17.000,- in Dec 2013 and he s starting to stall his payments. His bonus turned out €950,- instead of €1400,- so i got €650,- instead of €1000,-. No asking permission nothing. Its very unnerving and feels very unfair. Can relate. The only thing I think you can do is get the divorce proceedings started and request the judge pay out must be made before its finalized...?
I think the respons to your email text was good advice. It was formulated a bit harsh, but i agree with the basics. I think you tr generally much more together and db-smart. Maybe thats with the tough live :-) Everyone has an off day...
Again I commend your support of your SD. However i dont think scolding your ex-H will work. i mean you ve seen it doesnt work. So its not helping you or your SD. He just doesnt want to hear it. You will become the enemy if you continue, its opposite to what DB advizes. Though its natural you want to help your SD who is hurting. But...it doesnt work... And HE and he alone will suffer the consequences of his actions. And all you can do is be there for SD. You can not prevent her pain. Unfortunately.
In very happy to hear your D has come through her cancer so well. Its a joy to see your kids happy. You are strong and have your own life and lucky enough to be able to enjoy motherhood, the best experience in the workd. Move on. Divorce. Do a 180 but for you! It is now up to him to change. Maybe the 180 will hrlp or the divorce. Maybe not. But be happy!!!! Big big hug
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
The truth is the letter was more for me. I needed my own closure. Funny thing is he may not have got it. I didn't realize I was in my other email acct. it's prob sitting in his junk mail.
My ex would not have got soul custody on his own. He was granted it because the judge thought I was a good maternal role model and we had a two parent home.
I was at every L appt. , therapist for SD appts, . Ex asked for my help with bringing up SD. I was at her first day of school, her first sleep over at his house.
He cried about the unfairness of his lack of time with his D and fought for more. He was good with her up until we got her full time. He said things would be better once we got her because he would be less stressed. I was patient waiting and waiting for him to have more time for us.
Once we had SD. He withdrew and checked out from me and her. I got frustrated pretty quick. Especially as I was having to Be the primary parent.
SD was seeing a therapist to help with the transition from her Mums to our house. She too saw a switch go off in my ex. She told him he owed it to me and SD to figure things out. That if we split it would cause a huge setback for SD. SD was so upset when we split she didn't go to school for two days. She told her Therapist that I was taking care of her and she didn't want me to go. The therapist was about to suggest sharing custody again with bio mom. She said I was the emotional buffet as ex H was not emotionally engaging. With me not in the home this changed things.
Next he brought his Ap into the home and Bio Mom died. He brought his AP to the funeral to the horror of everyone. His sister sat with me. SD had me move out Mom die and a strange woman move in all within six mths.
SD is going through the same things I was at home. Constantly waiting for him to have time for her. He was great with me at first and great with her but it doesn't last.his AP left too because he was no longer spending time with her.
Now he's seeing yet a new woman. Leaving SD alone. SD is angry now. He was too busy with work before to spend time with her but now he had time to go see his new GF. She said other kids go home to a family. It's dark when she walks to the school bus and he doesn't walk her. She's going to either leave to live with her Grandma is a year or get herself in trouble.
SD was hopeful we would reconcile after ExH made efforts to get closer to me. It wasn't just me that was lead on. The three of us had been spending time together going for dinners, watching movies.
I would like to throttle Ex. H.
I know that there is something not right with him. It just breaks my heart that his D has had to deal with all these changes.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
No exercise today ( other than dog walks ) . Heading out for a little retail therapy. Lol Thinking today that I am blessed. I have a beautiful condo. I am in good health and fit. I have amazing adult children and a SD that I am close too. I have a little dog that loves me 24/7. It is sunny and spring like temps here. I know who I am and what my values are. I am a wife that only a fool would leave. I'm on my own now and that's ok.
I really love this^^^attitude. It is key to living well, for anyone.
In my 2nd pregnancy I was hospitalized with pneumonia and a herniated disc. I felt pretty sorry for myself and felt miserable.
There was a full moon I could see thru the window. I found myself thinking of all the pregnant women in the world seeing that same moon....and then it occurred to me that for many of them, they'd be out in the open looking at that moon, not in a shelter or hospital .
I realized that many of them were not going to give birth in a hospital at all, and that many of them probably wondered if their husbands (if they had one) were coming home that night, or were alive, or fleeing or hiding from soldiers, or warlords or rival tribes. (The number of people in that situation was in the millions).
I thought about how many women, world wide, had a refrigerator at home, or one with food in it at home, or a home at all. And or electricity and or running water.
I was not worried that our son was being kidnapped or recruited for a rival warlord, or that I could not worship as I want, or vote, or drive, or wander free. None of those things have ever been withheld from me.
Our son is healthy, as was I (well, I was improving!) as was my h.
In that moment, I was reminded that just by being a westernized woman with an income, my situation put me in the top 5% of women's, globally.
Karma, aside from material wealth and safety, (which are big things), you have your health (huge "asset") AND you have healthy children and a wonderful stepdaughter who loves & needs you. Yes, you are indeed blessed.
In a sweet irony, the woman who knows this^^, is even more richly deserving.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
