I don't understand why you are so anti legal separaton. It is not a divorce but a dry run. I had to go that route becuase in California it was the only way to protect myself from the debts my WAH was/is wracking up. I am responsible for her debt and I did not want that to happen. I also don't want my credit to be ruined by her Bullchit which is in full force now.
It's not for everybody but sometime's its the right thing to do. Especially if you have children to protect.
Here in Colorado there is no benefit for legal separation vs. divorce. They serve the same purpose. My divorced friends here also tell me that their attorneys suggested just filing for D when the time is right - they require the same documents and classes. We used to live in California, where the laws are very, very different.
When I went for an initial review with an attorney, he recommended a mediator who was recognized in family court. He suggested to us that if we wanted to save money, to contact him on our own. So what my XH and I did for the 2 years we were separated was to draft a legal Memorandum of Understanding. We specified the date of separation, ironed out parenting time, spousal and child support and things became locked in as valid to protect ourselves until we either reconciled or filed for D. This MOU was a legally binding document, and could have been used as a basis in court if either one of us were to violate the agreements. I felt it was important because I wanted my kids to be protected. And my interests in a 12 year marriage at the time.
That MOU would also be the ground zero point for any debts incurred after the date of separation. It's a whole lot cheaper and you don't have to show up to parenting class or meet with the GAL and have deadlines to provide the necessary documentation. By the time my XH realized that he wasn't going to come home, we were able to convert the MOU into court orders. We changed some of them, but kept most of it.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Where I live the banks won't deal with you if you are separated without a legal agreement. It is to release you of responsibility of each other's debt and to seperate your assets. If there are children involved it also addresses custody and access. Sometimes this is necessary if you have one spouse that will wrack up debt while you are living apart. I wouldn't rush into one if the spilt is short term but if it's looking like you are going to be living apart for a year or more it is helpful to know where you stand financially.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
The reason I want to file a legal separation is only to protect myself and the kids financially. That's all.
Yes, the process for Legal separation in Colorado is exactly the same as a Divorce process. So it's just 1 tiny step for the D because either part can turn the separation into D at any time.
My fear? My H is known to spend a lot of money that he does not have (one of our biggest fights always). I work part time, did not change to full time yet and even if I do, my pay check can't afford to pay mortgage, utilities and food. So, I need my H's money to keep paying for at least these bills.
If H stop his deposit on our joint bank account, then I will be in serious problems since it would take about 1 1/2 to 2 months to get a court order for him to start depositing maintenance and child support.
There is also the fact that he can take all his retirement and just spent it. If he does it, the money is gone and because we are still legally married and did not file any paper yet, I will just count my losses.
I went to the bank to check about the mortgage and his rights on selling the house. The financial person said that since the house is only in his name that he can sell it anytime and does not need my signature. Maybe the court will disagree with it but he can do it and give 50% of the money, but I won't buy a house like mine for the same price anymore. So I will just count my losses again.
Not saying that since he is so in love with this OW, he can put me in a corner just because money. He can say that he will help or deposit some money only if I agree to his terms and conditions, and he wants to avoid paying 5 to 9 years of alimony.
So, I got all this in my head and tough... what is more important right now. That I keep trying to see if the elephant leaves the room (OW)? Or if my idiot H will get real and stop being a teenager and wants to work on our marriage?
Or should I think it does not matter, because if one day he decide to come back we can even be divorced and it would happen. It makes more difficult but not impossible.
What I have to lose? Since end of July 2014 my H keep in the same position, that he will move on, he had some sliding coming to cry and say he was confused, but he never changed his position on this. H also asked me to talk about separating our finances, and he even proposed me a divorce agreement.
So I do not see the part of he wants to at least go to couples counseling, talk about how we could have any chance on reconciliation, nothing... a big nothing. It's just escalating, he now have this B**ch here, in the same city as myself, still his wife and his children.
I really don't want to do this legal separation and much less a D, but I need to think more realistic and leave any emotions out of business. A friend of mine divorced beginning of last year, she got very emotional and hopeful and at the end she lost her house and a lot of money because her XH went parting hard, even in Vegas. Money was gone, so the house needed to be gone too. Today she lives in a rental that takes most of her salary away.
To say the truth, I am very confused, I feel that if I do it, then I will be pushing my H to farther away from me and if I don't I can end up crying on the milk spilled.
At some point I asked myself...Who is more important for you? Your Kids or your H? And I choose my kids. Even if H never comes back, even if he gets all mad and never talks to me again, even if I need to fight with him and the whole DBing goes to hell, I still choose my children, period.
I won't put any paper for at least two weeks. H is traveling to Brasil on 1/31 an will be back in the USA 2/15. So, I have time, some time in case something happen and I can see some sign of anything positive.
I love you guys, and thank you very much for all your help. It's a lot easier to think when you have some input from other people's experience.
You have an L who is giving you advice. Your H is wayward and compulsive, may be fast and loose with cash and savings. Is enchanted with a crawly OW.
I do understand Wonkas point about keeping calm when you are emotional and not knee jerking. It is something I agree with whole heartedly.
My sense is that Pink's analysis is balanced and fair, it comes across as thoughtful and well reasoned. pink has been considering this for a longer period than is apparent. In a short period of time the unveiling and facing of the actual real A has removed the doubt for action and replaced randomness and in fact by consulting with two L before choosing this third L you have reasoned and taken your time. I see this as a hard decision but one you are clear headed enough to make. Whatever you do Pink, we are here for you to support your decision. Of course this sort of decision is emotional and there will be fall out, but cool and clear, and more in sorrow than in anger. Will it hurt? It will cause you concern in the damage to your R. In truth this R is already more damaged by H and his OW. Pink is going to be stronger from this experience and I wished it were different for Pink and her children with all my heart and prayers.
Can you DB when legally S, most assuredly.
Peace V
Last edited by Vanilla; 01/26/1511:52 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
The laws are different here in NC. We are required to go a 12-month S period before a D can go through; to that end, we're a state that isn't as "D-friendly" as other states.
But I was where you are, with my back against a wall, financially, and I *had* to pursue a legal S because my H had pulled the financial-carpet out from under us before ... so I knew he had the capability of doing it again. And he DID.
Protect yourself and your children, financially. Sooner rather than later. And what will be will be. As Van said, you can DB even while S.
Hugs, Pink. You really have your sh!t together. Kudos to you, sweetie.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Hi Pink - Just checking in to see how you are doing my friend. All quiet here with me and I'm just trundling along.
The separation arrangements over there sound very different to here, where everything is very much on a voluntary basis - but an agreement may be put forward as agreed arrangements in the event a couple decides to D. Sounds like the process there is more formalised.
It's good that you have some time to prepare, and to settle yourself whilst your H is busy/away. Has he tried to get in touch again recently?
It sounds from your recent posts that you are doing pretty well, despite the circumstances. Whilst I can hear your distress, I also hear feisty Pink moving forwards and looking after herself and her boys.
You have inspired me actually. I keep listening to the Conga Del Fuego. It has become my favourite 'separation' music. And I now think it might be nice to learn some latin american dancing...I'm going to look into it as a GAL plan.
Anyway, just checking in with you, and sending my best wishes, Toots x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hello to all of you that came to my rescue during this horrible time. The pain is unbearable but I am slowly gluing my pieces together and becoming whole again.
H tried to contact me a few times last week, last Monday (this week) he called and left a message saying "Hi, it's H, I don't want to disturb you but I am just trying to find an opportunity to talk to you before I leave the country. I will drop some milk bottles later today. No big, sorry to disturb. Bye".
I ignored it. Won't talk to him this week. Let him go on his two weeks trip to Brasil, my birth country. I won't make his pain easy on him, I won't hear his excuses or him imposition on D. I do not need to have any contact with him besides anything related to our kids. So, go have some fun H, I am gone.
I still don't know why he insist in talking to me. It's very clear he does not want to be married to me anymore. He also knows that I won't make any agreement with him right now. He probably feel so guilty that he can't stand to be in the dark right now. And then I think... too bad H, go deal with your own life right now and leave me along.
Ah, and one more thing. H dropped the milk bottles inside the milk container at the front door of our house. Can you believe that he dropped off the bottles and did not talk to his kids? H didn't see the kids for a whole week and then he is at the door, he has the key and he does not go in and say hi to them. Who is this psycho that used to live with us?
When I got home I checked the milk box, then I asked the kids if dad had stopped by and they said that no, they think that he didn't came to the house. I did not say anything to them.
But in the same time, I feel really angry that he is behaving like this. He is basically making it so easy to forget.
But, so far the boys and I have life as usual. Have been very busy at work, doctors apts for all of us, papers for the legal separation, going to the gym, will go dancing again on Friday, schedule eye doctor to get new contact lenses, schedule time to color my hair and do some highlights, Need to shop for a legal separation meeting new dress and shoes.
I will start posting on my friends treads, I feel really happy I found this board, it's like never being alone.
When I went through my first divorce I said it was like my life was a crystal ball and it fell and shattered. I had to try to put those shattered pieces back together with no instructions. In my experince a big part of the this comes from the fear of the unknown. Once you have a separation agreement in place it will at least ( hopefully) give you some solace knowing you have some stability financially.
The last thing I wanted was to go through a second divorce. Thankfully I maintained my financial independence. Although my ex does owe me a big chunk of $ still. My ex is also behaving like a teenager. His 13 yr old daughter now is suffering because of it. I feel your pain.
No contact does help. You sound empowered. Keep it up!
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
