barely holding on - 7

[u-turn]

I think that I am afraid of being the bad guy. I am going to explode my family and my kids won't get it. I have tried so much but I will be the one giving up. I know that I have to be the one to change this or I will be living like this without a forseeable end.

I am afraid of losing a comfortable family life. And of giving up. I do not give up easily.

I think I am enabling her. She comes home to have my dinner with the kids and that keeps them happy. She thinks we are friends and I have to end that.

It does sadden me to end the 21 years but not the last one.

[LITB]

u-turn,

Many times in life, change is motivated by the difficult times in life we encounter. You can see it all over these forums. Our awakening occurs when our spouses walk out the door, or are in a midst of an A. Many of us don't even see it coming, because we were under a false impression.

Initially we all come here to save our marriages. What we learn, is that the change begins with us. We need to save ourselves, because that is within our control. The changes have to be for ourselves and they must be genuine changes.

I believe you know this based on what I have read in your threads. Although you see that change needs to occur, you are paralyzed with fear. Undoubtedly there are things you could have done differently not to find yourself in this situation, but this isn't all on you. Own your part, and then correct it. Her cross isn't yours to bear.

I tell you this, because there is no motivation for your W to change. If you are not part of the solution, then you are part of the problem.

One of the things that held me back early in my second recon, was I felt entitled for all the helll she had put me through. I was making things difficult on her, and in turn making it difficult on us. I was aware of is.

One night we had coffee with some friends who lead a marriage program. I brought this up. The H told me straight up, that I had to own my part, because I enabled her. What could I say? He was absolutely right. That realization made me lose my sense of entitlement.

I want to encourage you to look at how you are contributing to how things currently are, and make changes. Change, can and will be uncomfortable. You gotta trust the process.

[u-turn]

Thanks LITB

Although you see that change needs to occur, you are paralyzed with fear. Undoubtedly there are things you could have done differently not to find yourself in this situation, but this isn't all on you. Own your part, and then correct it. Her cross isn't yours to bear.

I tell you this, because there is no motivation for your W to change. If you are not part of the solution, then you are part of the problem.

I feel that you are dead on with this. My inaction is exactly what she counts on.

I met with a client couple yesterday that have been talking with me and kind of guiding me a little. I knew they had both gone through divorces and she's a counselor. Turns out this is his third marriage, her second, and he has been a WAS and had an affair. all sounds like someone I really wouldn't want to talk to but they are so insightful and really saying exactly what is said on these boards. They quickly see that I am enabling this behavior and have to stop and take control of myself. Drop the fear and realize that everything WILL work out in the end (one way or another) and I will be better because of it. Though he did talk about his opinion of telling OMW, and everyone else, and letting W know that I wasn't going to cover for her any more.

Yesterday morning I spoke to W and told her that I know everything and I know that she lies to me about everything. She had initial anger thinking it was as simple as me tracking her, but it is way more than that. It is so simple to see when I step back and look. I told her that I will not continue this way. We started talking about how we are going to separate. She asked me questions about things that I wanted (christmas stuff that she is still putting away - I said I didn't want it).

I left for the client meeting for a couple of hours and when I came back she was crying and told me that she wants our life but doesn't know how to end the A. I told her that I don't know how to respond to that but it is her mess to clean up. I don't know if she is asking for help, could have told her what I know about addictions, PEAs, etc, but I didn't - I still can though.

She tried to interact with me a couple of times throughout the rest of the day, but I could't pretend. She slept on the couch.

We spoke quickly about the kids schedules this week this morning. I am going to stick with only that - though she is trying to have normal conversation again.

In my mind when I say this doesn't work, she will say you are right and she will leave. We both can just get on with our lives separately. just that easy. But she always counters.

I am looking for the timing to tell her that I am not going to cover for her or lie for her any more, or be her friend....

I am struggling with details of how to handle things - dinner as a family. I don't want the kids to do without this, but don't want to give W the impression that everything is ok again - she takes advantage of that. I don't want to play games.

We still need to speak about the logistics of a separation. And how to cover the finances. I intend to move my pay to a new checking account and transfer money to the common one for half the bills (with proof of where the money is going).

[u-turn]

As I think more about the fact that I have been enabling her, it becomes more embarrassing. Not a very manly thing to do. But I was doing it thinking it would end in time. yeesh. No matter what I read here and in the books, I thought my situation was different. I thought - no she couldn't actually have changed that much - we wouldn't do this to each other - it is only temporary and I'll be ready when she comes back. We will get through this.

This is not what we have planned, but it is happening.

I have changed and she is well aware of it. She tried many times to have the normal brush over conversation, but I would not have it. I was very busy in the house yesterday, and almost every time I passed her, she tried, but I stopped listened and left.

This morning, I opened the garage door for her and moved her car out - as I do every morning, because it is very heavy.

I came in said goodbye, and she said - you don't have to do anything nice for me any more (hearing that hurt a little). I responded with the same.

[LITB]

Drop the fear and realize that everything WILL work out in the end (one way or another) and I will be better because of it.

Absolutely. Easier said, than done. It starts with the first step.

Though he did talk about his opinion of telling OMW, and everyone else, and letting W know that I wasn't going to cover for her any more.

I can understand not covering for her, but I don't think it is a good idea to tell everyone. Mostly, because if/when you and your W work things out, now you have placed additional obstacles in front of you. Additionally, it comes off as being vindictive.

Yesterday morning I spoke to W and told her that I know everything and I know that she lies to me about everything. She had initial anger thinking it was as simple as me tracking her, but it is way more than that. It is so simple to see when I step back and look. I told her that I will not continue this way. We started talking about how we are going to separate. She asked me questions about things that I wanted (christmas stuff that she is still putting away - I said I didn't want it).

That is a good step in the right direction. Make sure your actions align with that.

I intend to move my pay to a new checking account and transfer money to the common one for half the bills (with proof of where the money is going).

Don't wait on this. Make this happen as soon as you can.

How are things today?

[Karma12]

I would seek legal advice. Sometimes a spouse will move money around and quietly prepare to leave. Can you tell when the money was removed and where too?

This is a difficult road for you but you will feel more empowered by not accepting unacceptable behavior

[u-turn]

I can understand not covering for her, but I don't think it is a good idea to tell everyone. Mostly, because if/when you and your W work things out, now you have placed additional obstacles in front of you. Additionally, it comes off as being vindictive.

I agree with that, I am not an air our dirty laundry type person. I am very private about my personal matters. With telling everyone, she may end the A, but surly not trust me ever again. I do feel bad for OMW and her kids, though I guess I can say it is not my problem either - that is what I have done so far (it weighs heavily on me sometimes).

I think that this would be trying to shame her out of the A and would not be the way back to her.

She was still trying to be friends with me, telling me work stories, had dinner with the kids and I. After dinner she told me while I was sitting and reading, "you can come and watch TV with me". I told her that I was fine.

Later I went to talk to her and told her that I did not feel right spending that kind of time with her right now. I want nothing more than to spend normal family time with her, but I cannot right now and she understood. She said she didn't want me to be sad any more (she cried).

She did tell me that she is excited for her upcoming new job and responsibilities. I told her I was happy for her.

She told me that she knows that I don't like her having this job commitment and was worried that I will resent her for it. I told her that I understand how she could feel that way because of the way I reacted when she first got this job (18 mo ago) and I didn't react the way I should have, but I am a very different person than I was. I am happy for her career opportunities. She cried again.

I think she understands that I am different now. I know I can keep this up my end of my changes, because I basically have been a single dad for the last year anyway, I enjoy these changes, and IF we ever do R, it would only be an added plus (icing on the cake).

She said I would be better off (without her). She went to sleep.

I didn't mention anything of the OM or A (though to me it's the only issue and she's trying to find other issues to talk about). The new job MAY be away from him, but that doesn't really change anything for me at this point. Maybe it will help her get over him, maybe not.

I am still heading in the S direction and she is not telling me that she will do anything to fix this.

[u-turn]

I feel like I've had a major backslide from my detachment and position this weekend and I don't know how to recover except to move right back into MY in-house separation.

Yesterday I had a conversation with W and I told her that I didn't want this. I don't want to be silent. I know it is selfish, but I don't want to be demoted to buddy. I want it all. this made her cry. I told her that she has not let me in to allow me to show or prove any love.

Later she said that threw her for a loop. She said she was scared that I cannot love her any more. She said she now realizes that is true, she has blocked me out.

I don't know what to do with this, she isn't saying that this won't continue this way and she's not saying that she is ending the A (she doesn't talk about that at all).

I think I need to push back with my statement of knowing what is going on with them.

We did end up spending the day together and at first I didn't want it but the day was good. We went to the kids swim meet. Went to dinner with W because we needed to eat. She was nice to me and I was friendly to her. We ran into some friends. I had a good time, showed that I can be a fun, social, and interesting person.

I had a little too much to drink (probably) and when we came home she slept in bed with me for a while (left sometime during the night). But I knew I had said things in bed. She said that I told her that I love her and held her. I remember crying.

Today she is still being very nice to me. This puts me right back into the buddy zone again I think. and this is not what I want. My detachment is gone again.

I want to ask her what happens now. How does Monday morning look again when she goes to work with him?

[Starsky309]

Yep -- major backslide, no question. Total PURSUIT, and with a large dollop of "needy/grabby" / "Mr. Melty Man" thrown on top.

I would recommend you basically try to RESCIND the "offer" before she can reject it any further. Tell her "Look, I obviously had too much to drink and was talking a little crazy, and I hope you'll accept my apology. Obviously, it's not that simple anymore and I must've been crazy to even think that getting back together right now is even a good idea. Can we forget last nite ever happened?"

(or some such).

Starsky

[u-turn]

I am trying to get back to my detachment/separation mode again. This weekend took a toll on that. I agree that I did get mushy when I had no intention to do so.

I don't know if I should apologize though, we both had too much to drink, she's the one who got into bed with me (I have slept there every night and she's the one who sleeps elsewhere). She did leave, but said it was because she wasn't feeling well not rejection. I did say things that I did not intend on saying this was not pursuit for sex or anything like that. But it was a reaction of her being in bed with me.

I really feel that she is looking for pursuit from me (again not sexual) and I have been really good lately at not giving that.

She told me yesterday that she had a great time on Saturday - I responded back to her that I had fun too, but what now? Where do we go from here?

She didn't respond to that. I am going to ask her this again.

I know that mentioning the A or OM is a bad idea, but I sometimes feel like it is time for an ultimatum even though that will be seen as controlling. I don't want to allow this to be swept under the rug again.

Thanks Starsky