Part 10 - Contents may prove volatile

[gan]

Edz, I do have an idea about what "it" could be, but I'm taking your lead and not saying it. If it's what I think it is then I can see why you might think it is the end, but I don't necessarilty think it is a deathly blow. W has some stuff she needs to figure out, as you say. Only time will tell.

Actually that is pretty much the same for all of us (well, H, in the case of us gals).

((Edz))

[Ggrass]

Oh for work we had to wear hats, mine was referred to as a lamp shade. Lol

like a "food service" style one, those always reminded me more of hairnets, lamp shades sounds....interesting.

Nope, we are talking fancy smancy something you would wear to the races hat. Complete with feathers. Totally impractical.

[edz]

Stylish though!

[Ggrass]

It was my fave colour and a chicken I suspect gave their life for the feathers!

It was funny seeing customers reactions, some thought it silly but still fun others just couldn't help it and be negative. One of the other staff made a paper hat to get in the spirt.

I just was bouncy no matter how they reacted.

[edz]

See now I read that initially as

"it was my fave colour and a chicken."

Why was she wearing a chicken and what's that got to do with a lampshade thought I. Then I re read it along with an ahhhhhh I see.

[edz]

Edz, I do have an idea about what "it" could be, but I'm taking your lead and not saying it. If it's what I think it is then I can see why you might think it is the end, but I don't necessarilty think it is a deathly blow. W has some stuff she needs to figure out, as you say. Only time will tell.

Actually that is pretty much the same for all of us (well, H, in the case of us gals).

((Edz))

Thanks G and thanks for the hug, needed one today although had an unintended laugh at ggs chicken hat which I mometarilly invented in my demented mind.

V frustrating not being able to discuss especially after being able to be so open (and still am about myself) but if youve figured it then mlc or whatever its definitely not my place to start blabbing about.

Thanks

[edz]

Oh just as an update w missed a TV show I'd recorded ran it round for her on the way to the shops (I needed rice for a Thai green chicken curry) rang the bell and was warm friendly said hi to s up the stairs but didn't go in. W texted me afterward to say thanks and I didn't need to make a special trip. Said Nah was only an extra 2 mins.

Nothing much just a small act of service.

She looked tired today like there's a lot playing on her, apparently she wasn't too well yesterday but been better today. S looked his normal bouncy self though

[gan]

S is probably the asymptomatic carrier, unleashing bugs on you and your W!

[edz]

Morning All

took me an age to get to sleep last night (as you may notice from my 2am postings) finally did get to sleep and woke up before the alarm which is always a better way to start.

Usual showered etc and working from home again (this week so no lurgy passes, G you may be right about s, seems w had the same symptoms unless we both caught something at dinner Sunday!)

Other than that nothing really to report no movement on "the thing" no contact from w since the you didnt need to make an extra trip text.

Sunny for once, feel..ok(ish).... just confused on what to do right now so taking my own advice and not changing anything until something does seem obvious. Well meaning friend (WMF used so far?) pinged me again on dating profile said theres been 89 views (no idea who you need to pay to start reading messages as those things always work) said wow, thanks but right now its probably not the right idea. I would like to meet someone purely as a friend but thats clearly not what theyre seeking or wouldnt be on a dating site, need to make sure if/when I do start a new relationship its fair to that person too.

And other than that a little tired, ok, maybe a slight touch melancholic today.

Want to get back to GAL swimming but cant until im well, will be looking at the gym treadmill,spinning etc classes as well see whats on when i go next as Im trying to get some age 40+ wobbles resolved before the summer. That should get some GAL going too.

Anyway work beckons

[edz]

Oh lordy there are days when this all seems waaay too confusing.

W emailed me to say sorry she'd only just picked up my email (from tuesday morning) and she didnt know what she was up to this weekend and had no plans.

As a reminder I was asking about s visiting not pursuing her, she was supposed to be seeing her friend this weekend so may have changed the length of s's stay, unfortunately for reasons of her friends which I wont go into but are sad they cancelled this weekend.

Replied saying I'd seen (the reason) on facebook and it was very sad, mentioned no problem normal weekend it was then, let me know if s was going to his Friday card event or would rather have a Saturday over (to make sure no inference of multi night stays), restated last week was a lot of fun to have s for so long and I really enjoyed lunch/dinner on Sunday but I wont push her for longer stays until she's ready and thinks s is ok (although its more the former than the latter IMHO).

No hint of "the thing" being mentioned, picked up from her a feeling that she thinks I've distanced her (which is ironic), this isn't mind reading just her BL and surprised looks when I don't push to come in when dropping things off or chase her up.

Probably connected to my stopping sending so many emails / texts etc (e.g. I'm no longer making the mistake of pursuing and practising my detatchment or at least trying to).

Tried to balance my normal STFU with a reminder she's welcome to pop by for coffee whether she has s in tow or not and that I'm still around to talk to. Want her to realise we're not at co-parenting only yet (although - and I didnt say this in the email which was rather shorter than this post - we may be moving that way to preserve my detachment and protect myself emotionally) but I also didn't want to fall into pursuit, its a tricky balance and really I just want her to know she can still talk to me openly which seems obvious but isnt.

Anyway left it warm open and friendly, not a huge waffling email, not one of my 'specials' that gets me hit with the STFU 2x4, zero about reconciling or m mentioned, no requests for me to see her or plan anything together just to let me know on the weekend pick up time and I hope s is feeling less uncertain nowadays.

Finished with saying lots of work on today and I'm sure they have a packed itinerary and I'll see them at the weekend.

She replied with a link to an event that may interest s which I'll look into tonight but fear may be booked out. Nice that she responded on something for he and I to do together though.

May just be a coincidence I'm not raising any expectations on anything anymore including her becoming more relaxed on he and I being together longer (although her actions suggest she may be getting there).

I just wish she'd talk to me on "the thing", its rattling me because it points in a direction that means should I go, heal and move on, or do I hang on because I do still love her.

I suppose I just don't want to be someone who just never thinks about taking another chance to be happy waiting for someone who becomes unattainable. Equally through all the issues we had, through the loneliness and lack of emotion she had for me over the last few years, I still hold on to hope.

Hmmm heavy thoughts today.

Let's see if coffee lightens me at all

Anyway thanks for reading my waffling guys.