Let W go. She's on a weird journey of self-discovery that includes experimentation of all sorts of personality try-ons, dressing this and that way, and looking for that elusive "happiness" that's been inside her all along. She's lost.
"weird journey of self-discovery" is a perfect way to explain what she is on right now... I haven't even mentioned all of the inconsistencies in some of her behavior (words vs. actions)... Complete craziness...
Originally Posted By: Wonka
You mentioned boundaries. Let's talk it out here, okay? What are you thinking here? What is it about boundaries that you are looking for and for what reasons?
Not really sure...
But -- I can say that I've really enjoyed not having her around for the past couple of days -- much less stress and I feel like I have the mental, emotional, and spiritual space to think and to work on things that I am trying to work on within myself.
So it would be nice to have more time away from her -- but I know she won't move out of the house. She is majority owner of the home and she is trying to force me to move out, so she would never agree to her moving out even temporarily.
So if we both remain in the home, what kind of boundaries do I want or can I set? Well, OW lives in another country/another continent, so there is no need for "don't bring OW around the kids"... She won't admit to the A (which I am sure is a PA now) and has stated that we are over and she does not intend to work on us -- so any kind of "no contact with OW" boundary wouldn't work...
I really don't know... So let's eliminate reconciliation for a moment and focus on the other super important relationship issue here -- parenting the kids...
She basically can't parent right now because she is so deep in Replay and engaged in an A that causes her to be up at odd hours of the night (because of time zone differences) which causes her to sleep in late and come home from work after I've put the kids to bed... I would love to see her stop doing this -- to return to being a co-parent with me (to relieve me from being the single parent I have been since late October)... But then doesn't that involve placing limits on contact with OW, which she is denying anyway?
I know in the spiritual counseling I was advised to think about some boundaries but I am having trouble figuring out what is reasonable given these bizarre circumstances.
And of course, I am thinking about all of this with absolutely no clue what kind of person will be returning home from this trip. I know you said to expect Monster to come home in full force and that is what I am prepared for...
So if that is the case... Ugh... I just don't know...
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Enjoy the rest of your time with the monster gone!! It's kind of nice right:)
You don't need to force an answer for boundaries - they will come to you.
Be kind to yourself.
Yes -- it is really nice. The weekend was hard because she was packing but we were also having such normal family moments and Monday was hard because it was the first full day with her gone... But yesterday and today have been REALLY good. I expect the rest of the week and early next week will be good as well -- but I am sure I will start to feel anxious/stressed out when it gets close to the time for her plane to land and for her to head home from the airport next week.
But -- yes it is nice and I am trying to enjoy it and be nice to myself this week. :-)
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Just re-reading something my therapist gave me and thought I'd share it here... (She may have gotten this from some other source, but I don't know where so I am sorry if this is not credited properly to the original source...)
Letting Go With Love
Letting go... does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
Letting go... is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.
Letting go... is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
Letting go... is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome of any situation is not in my hands.
Letting go... is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.
Letting go... is not to care for, but to care about.
Letting go... is not to fix, but to be supportive. It's not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
Letting go... is not to be in the middle arranging the outcome but to allow others to be in charge of their own destinies.
Letting go... is not to be protective, but to permit another to face reality.
Letting go... is not to deny reality, but to accept it -- just the way it is.
Letting go... is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own faults and correct them.
Letting go... is not to adjust everything to my own desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish the day -- just the way it is.
Letting go... is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
Letting go... is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
Letting go... is to fear less and to live more.
----
So I am still trying to remind myself of many of these each and every day... And it's hard when I've invested so much of my time, energy, heart, and life into something (our M) that I thought would continue to be in my future.
As I have said before -- I absolutely hate what MLC has done to our family.
Looking for the silver linings... I have a much closer relationship with my own mom now (and I think she and I know each other better now than we have ever known each other in my entire life), a closer relationship with my MIL, and I am growing more in my own faith and spirituality in a very profound way which I have neglected for most of my adult life. Another silver lining is that this whole experience is causing me to examine myself much more deeply than I have in over 10 years, and I know that I am changing and will continue to change in positive ways as a result.
Last edited by Jer2911; 01/29/1501:14 AM.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Ok .. caught up on your sitch ... and like you said in my thread .. the similarities of all our sitches ... scary. But whats frustrating is what works for one ... would backfire for another. So with that I have noticed here and there your reactions to things. There is no right or wrong here in MLCville ... and I have had some HUGE backslides where I let out some steam and let W have it ... figured .. ok I screwed up bigtime ... 4 days later it was like nothing happened. Just know that and don't be so hard on yourself you are doing fine
Another thing ... this MLC ... it takes forever and a day, and thats IF they wake up. I read somewhere else that if your MLC'r came to you wanting to make it all good ... watch out, its about 2 years after BD before they are even close to this ... this helped me realize my nightmare was not going to end anytime soon ... even more .. that she may never come out. You said you could see the Guilt in her face ... Mine is the same way ... that guilt eats at them, but I fear in my W's case may keep her in the tunnel longer because she is not going to want to face what she has done during the crisis .... her issue and her battle and I pray she finds the strength to face it, but in reality I am not so sure she ever will.
So you have some time to gather yourself ... I too have become far more spiritual and grounded, I know just as much as the MLC destroyed my M and family ... it saved me. I have started to realize I am the Phoenix that is rising out from the ashes ... it took a long time for me, scary as he11 to be honest ... but thats who I am meant to be and I know without the MLC I would never have arrived here. There is a reason for you too ... you know that ... you are doing well ... turn this inward and begin to develop the new you.
So you have some time to gather yourself ... I too have become far more spiritual and grounded, I know just as much as the MLC destroyed my M and family ... it saved me. I have started to realize I am the Phoenix that is rising out from the ashes ... it took a long time for me, scary as he11 to be honest ... but thats who I am meant to be and I know without the MLC I would never have arrived here. There is a reason for you too ... you know that ... you are doing well ... turn this inward and begin to develop the new you.
Definitely trying to do that. It seems to be getting easier and easier every day that she isn't here. Unfortunately (did I really just say that?), she will be back in the middle of the week next week. I feel so good right now. I feel so much peace -- and I know some of that is coming from a lot of prayer and really beginning to just turn her and our marriage over to God while I focus on me and the kids. I have to keep this up and build up as much peace and strength as I can before she comes home next week. I really want to be in a place where nothing phases me when she walks in the door. I want to be in a place mentally, emotionally, and spiritually where I am fine regardless of who or what comes through the door.
The kids and I have a fun weekend planned and I am looking forward to that. My MIL & FIL are keeping the kids on Saturday night so I can go out to eat with some of my best friends -- and I am SO looking forward to that!
On another positive note... One of my 180s has been buying clothes that I normally wouldn't have in the past... And one thing I bought recently was a little black dress. I tried it on this morning and thought "Why didn't I ever buy or wear one of these a long time ago?! I look really good in this dress!" Of course, for a moment my thoughts went to my W and I wondered what, if anything, she might think if she saw me in it... But then I quickly moved on from that thought and just allowed myself to enjoy how I felt about wearing the dress... It was a huge self-esteem boost. And yeah, while I was concerned about my health after BD when I started rapidly losing weight -- Now that I've recently had an awesome annual checkup I am really enjoying that 25+ lb loss and how I look now... which is not too bad for a 44 year old. I might even be in the best shape that I've ever been since I was a teenager (thanks to the exercise I've been doing over the past couple of years) and it feels GREAT. If my W never wakes up and never wants me/us back then it's her loss :-)
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
I thought about it last night as I had one of my better prayer sessions. Truly giving her and your M to God .. I mean really getting there is not as easy as it seems .. atleast it wasn't for me. I am really close ... even with D on the horizon I know His plan is better, He needs some time with my W and it appears I need to be out of the way. Who knows where it ends ... but I know He wants a better life for me.
Love the dress ... I have always been a sucker for the little black dress .. not sure who on this earth wouldn't be ... and doing it for you ... Heck yeah ... we all need to treat ourselves and refill that ego bucket that was knocked over with the MLC vengeance truck.
Something I wanted to pass on to you yesterday but reading what I wrote I realize I glossed over it. The "Monster" ... you have seen her and no doubt when she comes back she will be all over the place and spinning soon. The thing that I had to learn ... though the very kind people her told me and it never sunk into my thick skull .... in her MLC mind, she is forming the illusion that its you in the way of her happiness. She is currently doing and saying things out of character to try things and find that happiness. The more she tries and fails .. the more the focus becomes you ... hence that beating of the drum .. detach .. GAL ... I have found the 180's you should do for yourself, my W notices them but its not like they make a difference NOW ... maybe later they will weigh in more .. who knows .. that fog is thick. Just food for thought ... and something for you to think about so the spew sessions aren't so personal.
It seems to be getting easier and easier every day that she isn't here. Unfortunately (did I really just say that?),
Yeah you did just say that...
And you know what? It's perfectly okay.
You are seeing the reality of the chaos, negative energy, cra-cra they bring into the house with them.
When my stbxw finally moved out last March, the relief and atmosphere change in the house was stunning. Even the kids noticed and talked about it. Since she has been gone, everything is better for the kids and me.
And at the time, I was rather taken aback at the relief I felt, and that I didn't want her back in the house the way she is. And, tbh, I felt some guilt about those feelings (but I'm better now ).
You sound like you are finding your way nicely, keep going!
And it is funny about us LBS re-discovering who WE are, I'm back to wearing cowboy boots with my flannels, I hadn't worn them in years....I missed that part of me.
You got this!
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Love the dress ... I have always been a sucker for the little black dress .. not sure who on this earth wouldn't be ... and doing it for you ... Heck yeah ... we all need to treat ourselves and refill that ego bucket that was knocked over with the MLC vengeance truck.
Yeah -- I've always been more of a t-shirt and jeans girl... not "butch" by any means, but never one for dresses on myself. However, another woman in a LBD? Oh yeah... hot! But now I just have the urge to explore my more "fem" side and I'm enjoying it. I also bought a couple of other cute dresses just to have when I need them for various occasions. Definitely doing it for me right now because I am sure it will be a long time, if ever, before she will see me in that dress. Her loss. :-)
Although I will admit to hanging it in the closet in such a way that it is definitely not hidden -- going with that "become mysterious" part of GALing.
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
Something I wanted to pass on to you yesterday but reading what I wrote I realize I glossed over it. The "Monster" ... you have seen her and no doubt when she comes back she will be all over the place and spinning soon. The thing that I had to learn ... though the very kind people her told me and it never sunk into my thick skull .... in her MLC mind, she is forming the illusion that its you in the way of her happiness. She is currently doing and saying things out of character to try things and find that happiness. The more she tries and fails .. the more the focus becomes you ... hence that beating of the drum .. detach .. GAL ... I have found the 180's you should do for yourself, my W notices them but its not like they make a difference NOW ... maybe later they will weigh in more .. who knows .. that fog is thick. Just food for thought ... and something for you to think about so the spew sessions aren't so personal.
Thanks for those reminders. I completely expect her to come home in full Monster mode -- or spinning like the Tasmanian Devil... I do know that she is noticing my 180s, but her response so far is "why now and not years ago?" I have a very clear memory of our life together and I can definitely see through all of the re-writing of our history -- so I know that some of the things I am doing for 180s are things I have done over the years, but in the past couple of years dropped off due to stress and our very busy lives. She has also complained about somethings that are absolutely untrue -- but she has to spew about things that help her feel justified in her actions, especially the actions that go against who she was pre-MLC and that go against the moral code that she had pre-MLC. I know when she spews it really isn't about me -- even though it can sting at times. But yes, I definitely know for a fact that I am NOT the cause of her unhappiness. I'm human and certainly not perfect, but I also know that I have worked very hard to be the best wife and mother possible -- and many people would be more than happy to have me in their lives. My W was very happy with me for years and always told me how much she appreciated me and what I brought to our family, felt like I was a dream come true, love of her life, etc. I remember all of this and have years of cards and emails filled with those words and so many more that prove how much she loved me and appreciated me. So when she spews -- it hurts, but I know in my heart what the truth is even if she is blinded to it right now because of the fog.
It does make me sad to realize that she may never come out of this. I haven't shared my parents story here, but since BD my mom and I have become much closer and through all of our talks we have both come to realize that my dad is a life-long MLCer who will never come out of it because he just doesn't have the skills or awareness to deal with his issues. Background -- he's a classic "adult child of an alcoholic" and exhibits so many of the characteristics... Really sad. So I can see from my own family of origin what kind of damage this can do to a family and how the MLCer can spend the rest of their lives living in that mess. Hoping and praying for a better outcome for my little family, but all of that is now in God's hands.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
It seems to be getting easier and easier every day that she isn't here. Unfortunately (did I really just say that?),
Yeah you did just say that...
And you know what? It's perfectly okay.
You are seeing the reality of the chaos, negative energy, cra-cra they bring into the house with them.
When my stbxw finally moved out last March, the relief and atmosphere change in the house was stunning. Even the kids noticed and talked about it. Since she has been gone, everything is better for the kids and me.
And at the time, I was rather taken aback at the relief I felt, and that I didn't want her back in the house the way she is. And, tbh, I felt some guilt about those feelings (but I'm better now ).
You sound like you are finding your way nicely, keep going!
And it is funny about us LBS re-discovering who WE are, I'm back to wearing cowboy boots with my flannels, I hadn't worn them in years....I missed that part of me.
You got this!
All I can say in response to this post is
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
