I struggle with listening more than talking because when there's a silence I sometimes feel the need to fill it I'm the same way; silence feels so awkward. I tend to think that may point to the "fixer" in us; we even have to "fix" silence. Sounds like a good, simple 180 for you to try, starting tonight!
Definitely resist any temptation to bring up your R. I promise, even if he talks back during those conversations, they are making him feel cornered, unhappy and pressured. And pressure = no bueno. Put a rubber-band on your wrist, if you have to. Each time you think about mentioning R - or asking a question about it - snap the band against your wrist. (This also helps with "thought-stopping" about things like a potential OW.)
You can do it!
I'm sorry you're under the weather. I know that definitely doesn't help your PMA right now. Hang in there, sweetie.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
What do you mean by intimate conversations? Just anything beyond the sort of conversation you'd have with a neighbour? Like 'how are you, what have you been up to?' sort of thing.
Anything that -- were he another man, and you were married, would be inappropriate to talk to another man about. Your intimate feelings, private family information, etc. Instead, talk about current events, shared interests, anything . . . just don't open up "that" part of yourself to him right now, as he's shown no interest in remaining married to you and he doesn't GET that part!
I'm the same way; silence feels so awkward. I tend to think that may point to the "fixer" in us; we even have to "fix" silence. Sounds like a good, simple 180 for you to try, starting tonight!
Great point, it would make a good 180! I will go for it tonight. With being ill I don't really feel the energy to make a lot of conversation anyway so maybe that will work in my favour.
Originally Posted By: Train
Definitely resist any temptation to bring up your R. I promise, even if he talks back during those conversations, they are making him feel cornered, unhappy and pressured. And pressure = no bueno. Put a rubber-band on your wrist, if you have to. Each time you think about mentioning R - or asking a question about it - snap the band against your wrist. (This also helps with "thought-stopping" about things like a potential OW.)
You can do it!
I'm sorry you're under the weather. I know that definitely doesn't help your PMA right now. Hang in there, sweetie.
The rubber band's a great idea - I've just put one on! I tried it before when I was trying to stop my jaw clenching habit and it helped. I'm sure it could be helpful with avoiding R talks and stopping my thoughts about potential OW.
Thank you train. Having the flu definitely hasn't helped my PMA but coming on here and getting support is so helpful, so thanks to you and everything else!
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Anything that -- were he another man, and you were married, would be inappropriate to talk to another man about. Your intimate feelings, private family information, etc. Instead, talk about current events, shared interests, anything . . . just don't open up "that" part of yourself to him right now, as he's shown no interest in remaining married to you and he doesn't GET that part!
Make sense?
Starsky
Ok, the penny just dropped. I completely get what you're saying Starsky! Thanks for explaining it that way. I think I will imagine him as a particular guy from work that I have a very professional but friendly relationship with and see if that helps.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
I think I will imagine him as a particular guy from work that I have a very professional but friendly relationship with and see if that helps.
I think it's a great idea -- modeling works very well, and keeps things simple. I also encourage people to come up with a model for THEMSELVES, to help get them thru this. For you, a female actress or someone who you find strong, resolved, attractive, unflappable. For one woman I counseled it was the "Joyce Davenport" character on the old "Hill Street Blues" tv show. For another guy, it was Joe Friday of "Dragnet" (kept trying to get him to stick to "just the facts, ma'am.")
Backslid I'm not really sure how to set boundaries, so I was trying but I think I may have failed a little bit..
H came home and was really cold, bordering on rude but not exactly. I went in the other room and was watching Ted Talks. Then when it was nearly dinner time he came and asked me to come help him, and while we were finishing off the food together he started complaining about how he's spent too much money on his ski holiday (I bit my tongue, I used to lecture him sometimes on money and now I know not to). Then he said something like "and I've got to go back home to my parents this weekend to pick up my snowboard, you know?" And I lost it a bit, I was just like "no I don't know." And he could not believe he hadn't mentioned it. (We had a lot of recurring arguments in our M about his disorganisation and how he'd always forget to tell me important things, especially with dates like when so and so's wedding was, or when he was going home for the weekend.) So then I decided I had to set a boundary (but I don't think I did a very good job of it) and told him it upsets me when he doesn't tell me he's going away for the weekend, because that impacts my weekend too and I want to know if he's going to be in the house or not.
But then I couldn't just let it lie, because I felt like I was telling him what to do (one of his complaints was that I made him feel guilty for going to visit his family and he didn't see them as much as he'd like)...so I brought it up again *sigh* and said "I hope you didn't feel like I was telling you not to go" and he was like "no, not at all, I just thought I'd mentioned it, I've been thinking about it for at least a month". Which upset me more... and I replied saying he hadn't, to which he said "but you knew I was going snowboarding soon, you must have known I had to go back for my snowboard." And then I made things much worse by saying I felt guilty (I always feel guilty stating my feelings, one of the things I'm trying to work on in myself right now)
Then...I brought it up a third time a bit late (I know, I know!) and said I shouldn't have brought up my feelings of guilt and it was something I was working on and he was just like "thank you for sharing your feelings though, I really want you to share your feelings" and then I said he HAD mentioned he'd be going down at some point, he just hadn't said when, and he hadn't told me what date he was going snowboarding (I asked last week and he said he couldn't remember - I tried not to get annoyed at him about his level of disorganisation!), and he was like "have I not? I'm sorry, I'm just so crap." Then he asked if he could hug me.
Okay so I totally slipped and let the brain fog of my flu get in the way of me controlling my emotions! What is a better way to handle boundary setting? I know in DB-ing we're not meant to ask where our spouse is going, but if he's away for a weekend it does impact me since we still live together, or am I going too far wanting to know?
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
I think I will imagine him as a particular guy from work that I have a very professional but friendly relationship with and see if that helps.
I think it's a great idea -- modeling works very well, and keeps things simple. I also encourage people to come up with a model for THEMSELVES, to help get them thru this. For you, a female actress or someone who you find strong, resolved, attractive, unflappable. For one woman I counseled it was the "Joyce Davenport" character on the old "Hill Street Blues" tv show. For another guy, it was Joe Friday of "Dragnet" (kept trying to get him to stick to "just the facts, ma'am.")
Whatever works!
Starsky
Thanks. Okay now I just need to remind myself of it and not let myself get off track! I haven't seen Hill Street Blues, I'll try to think of a character I want to emulate although off the top of my head I can't think of any so maybe I just need to watch Hill street Blues and see the Joyce Davenport character!
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
I know it shouldn't matter to me (and is a sign I'm not detached enough) but lately I've been feeling like the more I GAL, the further away H goes. It's almost like we've entered into a competition to see who can go out more so we're both out all the time, and then spend less and less time at home together, so now we maybe only interact for 10 or 20 minutes a day (compared to a few hours a few week ago) and the more distant I become it seems like he's matching my distance too (again, like a competition about who can be more distant!). I know it shouldn't matter but I do find it really upsetting, as I feel we're growing further and further apart even though we're still in the same house.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Sounds like a good, simple 180 for you to try, starting tonight! 
With being ill I don't really feel the energy to make a lot of conversation anyway so maybe that will work in my favour.
I'm not really sure how to set boundaries, so I was trying but I think I may have failed a little bit..