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#2531632 01/27/15 10:20 PM
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"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
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Bdub, my last reply to you was composed as I was rushing out the door to pick up D12. I'm sorry it seems so clipped, it wasn't about you at all. It was me in a hurry. Sorry!



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Originally Posted By: Ahoy
As long as you're okay with being just friends with your H and have no expectations of anything more ever with him, then it's probably fine to continue attending those kinds of events. If you're trying to DB, though, in hopes of drawing him back to you (and not letting him eat cake), then more distance and NC is what's recommended.


Thanks to everyone for the words of support.

Ahoy, you have hit on the center of the issue here. Right now, I'd rather have H as a friend than a H. He's a good friend, he was a pretty bad H. I think there's something better for me out there. But I could use a friend like him. I know that's not DB-ing, and that's the dilemma. That's what I'm supposed to be doing, right, and the advice I'm getting is trying to nudge me towards being a better DB-er. I understand all that. I just think perhaps I'm done and don't want to admit it to all the good people who are actually fighting here.



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Originally Posted By: labug

You're standing at the threshold of a whole new life. Scary? Yes, but what opportunity awaits.

Thanks for your nice comment on my thread.



Labug, nice to hear from you! I hope things are going well for you.

Yes, a whole new life is scary, especially since I didn't want any of it. I wanted my M, I wanted my job, I certainly didn't want to stir up any health issues. But thank goodness the health and the job came after a few months of DB-ing, because I was able to step away from it somewhat and envision a new future. It has been lifesaving.

As distressing as having to look for a new job is, I'm not really all that unhappy to be leaving my old one. It's unfortunate that it rips away my church home with it, at least for now, but maybe I'm needed somewhere else.

I'm still holding on to the idea it's going to be my best year ever. smile



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Bdub, my last reply to you was composed as I was rushing out the door to pick up D12. I'm sorry it seems so clipped, it wasn't about you at all. It was me in a hurry. Sorry!

I push you pretty hard sometimes, I expect to be pushed back.

I agree with what Ahoy said. The contact is not good for DBing. However, the core of DB principle states basically to do what works. You know what works, and you are doing a great job holding things together and balancing everything that life throws your way!


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RPP ,
When I stopped DBing I figured people here would just sort of leave and stop giving the advise and support. Actually, the exact opposite happened. Several here, especially you, have ratcheted up the support and advise when called upon. There is no such thing as a bad DBer. Every sitch is different and the DB "script" has to be adjusted for each sitch. I no longer want to save my M. I am using the DB principles to make me a better person and to prepare myself for my next R.
As long as you continue to use words such as "perhaps" and I think" and "maybe" in reference to your desire to be done, I think your support group here will continue to talk DBing to you.
Personally I would not want to be seen as trying to talk you out of saving your M or R with your H.


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Bravo, bdub.

I consider a successful DBer someone who learns techniques to change communication dynamics and truly absorbs them in all facets of life. Saving a marriage requires the spouse to be open to those changes. You can only take care of your side of the street. So that's why I don't consider reconciliation as the benchmark of success here on this board.

Sure, the goal is to save the marriage. But it shouldn't be at the expense of everyone else in the family.

I consider DBing a way of life. I even had some old friends here remind me to DB my almost D21 when we were having horrible communications. Why didn't I think of that? LOL. My surviving friend said, "Bets, you know how to DB well, so why not step back and do more of what works and less of what doesn't with her?" I tell ya, it was the divine bonk on the head that I needed. And my funny D knew it... "Mom, I know you're going back to that board, and I'm not insulted. Thanks!"

I also own my own company and wear lots of hats. Much of it is sales. Do you know how much more effective I am at a difficult profession by using those techniques? It's respectful. People want to do business with people with integrity, clear communications and honesty. Happy dance! I love earning more money! So in essence, these changes mean $$$.

My former boss was really great with me when I made mistakes, especially if they were big or cost the company money. He said, "If you don't learn from them, it will cost me more. So consider this a school where you better get a magna cum laude, or it's your own damn fault." Those words have stuck with me for decades.

rpp, back to your priest before I head back to tasks here. I left my church in the early 90s and became Episcopal. My D20 was baptized in that church. (She did a profession of faith in our Catholic church when she was 8.) They were 3 good years, and unfortunately, the congregation wasn't happy with Fr. Art (don't know the drama behind it), and he was ousted. The new person I didn't like much at all. Then D17 popped out, my mom flew out to help me, and one day I just decided to go back to the Catholic church with her. I attended re-membering classes, had 1-on-1 counseling with an open minded priest and jumped back in the pool I grew up in. I think it made me a better person all through. I tell my current pastor, "I have no problems with my Christianity. It's being Catholic that I have struggles with - and mostly only when they start injecting politics into my faith." He always commiserates and soberly smiles as he gives me a hug. I'm NOT a black and white person. I think I'd struggle in pretty much any church. So I work my own program and continue to pray that I grow in my faith.

Good luck! Just remember there will always be tests of faith on this road we're on. It's up to us to make decisions that benefit us, which is where free will comes in.

BTW, I won't abandon talking to you even if you don't use words like perhaps or I think or maybe. Free will comes into play here, and you DO have choices. I trust that you know your heart better than any of us here.

Hugs to everyone-
Betsey


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Originally Posted By: bdub
RPP ,

As long as you continue to use words such as "perhaps" and I think" and "maybe" in reference to your desire to be done, I think your support group here will continue to talk DBing to you.




Fair enough. I continue to use ambiguous words because I have two months left in the "official" S agreement. I think staying open minded is the correct thing to do, it's what I agreed to. So, I understand where you and others are coming from, bdub, and accept that. After all, I'm on DB-ing site, and I respect that, and I appreciate all the help I have received.



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Originally Posted By: Underdog

BTW, I won't abandon talking to you even if you don't use words like perhaps or I think or maybe. Free will comes into play here, and you DO have choices. I trust that you know your heart better than any of us here.


Thanks, Bets. I appreciate the support. Here's a tidbit about the way RPP uses hedging words. When I was studying for the CPA exam, I was working full-time also. My goal was to nail the exam in one try, even though statistically that doesn't usually happen. I didn't want to spend that kind of time twice. So I studied like a banchee, and I also am naturally a good test-taker. I sat for the exam (2 1/2 days at the time) and knew I nailed it. But when people asked me how I thought I did, I hedged. Well, I hope....I think....I probably did OK..... In fact, I was an Elijah Watt Sell winner, putting me in the top 1% of scorers that year (top 115 out of 30,000 takers). Before the scores came out, I would have never said, "Yes, I feel like I did really well!" just in case. So....as it relates to my M, I use I think and maybe....just in case.

Last edited by rppfl; 01/28/15 08:58 PM.


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WHOA. I bow to thee, RPP. I did well enough, but WOW. I bow deeply.


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D12, S8, S7
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Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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