Yeah, women play baseball, just slightly different. In classic American fashion it has the same rules as the men but the ball is larger and you have to throw it underhand and it's called softball. Yep you guessed it, the ball's not soft either
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
So, I went to see a Pastor from another church today. My (our) Pastor knew that W left, I talked to him BD weekend, but have not had any conversation with him other than during Church greetings.
So after S, W started to go to a different location, but under the same church that we went to before. So, many of the same people and the Pastors switch between churches
I've wanted to sit down and talk with our Pastor, but was hesitant about letting the sitch out of the bag. Mainly because I was worried/scared about W getting upset that he knew and using that as another thing against me. So since detachment, I've been debating about talking to him, especially because I'm not too concerned with the W's reaction right now if she found out.
My main questions (from a faith standpoint) were: If W wants out of the M and I don't; where does that leave me? Is DB good if W doesn't want it? Am I still honoring her as a wife even if I'm going against her (i.e. she wants D.) How do you get married in Church and D in a Courthouse.....is there closure in the eyes of the Church?
So talked with this other Pastor to see what his advice was. He had some really good points. Basically, gave the DB answer right off the bat, there's nothing you can do to change her mind right now. Also said that with W's behavior it seemed like she was in a rebelling phase, like she still is not comfortable with her decisions; but is trying to run from dealing with them.
Also, gave a huge shout out to all of us DB'ers, especially the men. He said he doesn't see men come in and try to R nearly as much as he would like, especially if W was involved in A. He said that all that we do for DB is favorable and we shouldn't worry that we are doing the 'wrong' thing just because our spouses don't seem to want it right now. Lastly, said that I should use my 'home' church and talk to them. He said that they may have a little bit better of an ability to focus the response on W and I, especially since we are in the same congregation.
So, I think I'm going to contact my Pastor and explain the sitch and ask some advice. I'm slightly worried that it would be seen as controlling by my W. The Pastor today tried to reassure me that while W may be upset at first, its the right thing to do and if she were to get out of her fog; would realize it was done from Love and not any malice.
Your thoughts?
Last edited by MCS; 01/27/1502:55 AM.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
IMHO, I don't think you should worry about it. It's your pastor just as much as hers and it's a faith thing. I wouldn't use your pastor to try and talk to W for you or anything like that, but it's hard for me to see why your W would be upset if you were talking to you pastor just for you, and not to convince her to do anything...
If your pastor talks to her, that's on him but you can even tell him not to say anything to her about it. I guess bottom line, do it because it's your faith and you want to confide in your own pastor and not to use him to talk to your wife.
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
Thanks, I may have thought it may be good for him to talk to her in the beginning right after BD, but by now I know I have no expectations of him talking to my W.
I guess, I was just concerned about my W's feelings. It seems like she's in such an uncomfortable place with how she's acting. OM and the A is a huge secret still and the few people that do know; she's pretty much shut them out from helping her get through this (parents, sister, BFF.)
She's still going to Church with the kids, so I was fearful that it would make her stop going.
Right after she left and before anyone knew about OM, she made a HUGE deal out of people knowing that she left the house and I got about 2 months of spew saying that 'I' was spreading rumors that she left and I had no idea why. (well, she did leave....and I had no idea why) She kept telling me it was a private matter between her and I and she didn't want it to affect her career.
Then after I (and mostly everyone else that's close to us) figured out about OM, I did realize that she had a right to be concerned. He is a co-worker and she was his 'mentor' when he first started. She wasn't in a supervisory role, but did have direct seniority over what he did on a daily basis.
Last edited by MCS; 01/27/1503:38 AM.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
I would be horrified if my pastor, (priest) discussed anything I said in confidence with H or anyone else at my church. Whether this is preferred is another question!
Mind you, I am a left footer, so the confidentially is traditional in my religion.
Frankly I have made it clear that whilst I will not be discussing our S with friends and relatives that I will not lie for H. Particularly about his drinking gambling etc........
If his behaviour affects me then I reserve the right to seek as much help as I need, GAManon, GAmcare (IC counselling for those affected by gambling), pastoral help, family support (which has been largely unnecessary) and DB etc.....
I also reserve the right if it affects my livelihood to take whatever action that I need to protect myself.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 01/27/1504:08 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Frankly I have made it clear that whilst I will not be discussing our S with friends and relatives that I will not lie for H.
Yeah, I agree with this. While I'm not forthcoming, if asked directly I don't lie about what happened. However, I do try and explain my shortfalls in the M alongside that. None of us are infallible and I understand how W could have got into this sitch. _______________________
So, I think we may have turned the corner. To R or not, I have no clue; but my short-term goals were to establish communication about the kids.
So had counseling (see I didn't put mediation in parenthesis) today. The MC talked to me first and was trying to get me to just talk to her about how much fun I was having w/kids (been there) and I pretty much said I'm done trying to cater to her and protect her feelings. I told him that I'm not going to be mean or nasty; but I'm done trying to tip-toe around everything. I told him I could no longer ignore the pain that she's putting me and my kids through and 'cover' it up. I told him I was done, the next step was her's. If she's comfortable with this level of communication, than fine, I can't push her to do more.
So, when we got together, the MC gave us two options. Talk about kids or talk about our feelings. I assumed he felt that it was an easy choice. Well, W asked which one I wanted to discuss. I knew which one, but I just sat there silent, I was debating in my head how to get out of these cheese-less tunnels. After about 30 secs, she asked me what I talked about MC about and I said I wasn't comfortable talking with her about it because it wouldn't be productive.
So, she said to go ahead and discuss it if I could. I said pretty much what I said above. At that point she said to me.
"MCS, I've been lying to you for a long time. I can understand why you feel that you can't trust or believe what I say"
I was shocked and then started to tear up. I then said,
"I've been hurt, but I've been trying to believe you. However, I've been in protection mode for me and the kids and what you say appears different from what you are doing."
and then we had a conversation........
The first in a while. A couple times I got angry, paused, collected myself and continued. A couple times she started to shut down, paused and then continued.
It was so nice to talk with her, the person that seems to have been hiding inside. Her resolve of the sitch didn't seem to waver, but we were doing what I've so wanted to do, communicating.
So it was bittersweet, I saw the person that I have known and we talked like we used to. I wished I would have seen a little uncertainty on the overall sitch and the S, but I'm taking what I can get.
All things aside, this is the relationship we need as parents and that has been my goal. DB didn't seem to matter today, or maybe it was DBing. Time will tell.
Last edited by MCS; 01/27/1511:07 PM.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Also, I realize that right now Whatever OM is doing, he's still in the picture and if he is.....no reconciliation
So I need to stay detached. I saw the person that I married and I missed her all these months. However, she is still preoccupied right now. No use expecting anything else out of today.
I guess this may be the 'end of the beginning' or the 'beginning of the end' regardless, have some conversation is much better than the NC from the last 5 months. Need to see if we can get down talking outside of counseling. I suggested that today, but I'm not going to push any of it. I need to resist the urge to jump right in.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Just observe the glimpses of W, read nothing into it. 100% remember! Even in MC then this is so.
I am of the view that MC is wasted when there is an A other than for co parenting or care issues. I would restrict my MC to developing co parenting that and leave my emotions out of MC and would go so far as to raise a boundary on it, and not stray over it. It would be useful to agree this with C upfront I feel.
You have come a long way MCS, grown a great deal very quickly. I am impressed with your ability in this session to let W have control over her own emotions and reactions.
I know you can see this and realise it. You are holding W to account for W and V is your cheer leader, a very different position to before Christmas. There was a time when to his would not have been the case.
W and MC will sense this too, become the man only a fool would leave. V
Last edited by Vanilla; 01/28/1506:44 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
