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Calibri #2531687 01/28/15 12:55 AM
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Excellent reaction! (not that I encourage excessive alcohol consumption of course...)


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Mozza #2531747 01/28/15 04:40 AM
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How is he refusing to speak to you? By not responding?

He seems very confused and impulsive.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
Calibri #2531759 01/28/15 05:13 AM
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Let me be clear, if your L has advised this course of action and you have considered it coolly and carefully because it protects you from H and MIL, that is a considered position.

It is how that news is delivered that is the issue I am discussing here not the fact of the agreement nor how it is physically delivered by L. As you have now wanted to structure the delivery of the paperwork in a gentler way and H is showing ostrich behaviour then there is little you can do. I still think an email to his work address if that is all you have is the best way, but I would question rushing to advise him of this at this point. I think it is too soon.

Frankly the best time is a few hours before delivery of the paperwork. Why reveal your hand? If this is to protect you and your fins then prewarning is giving reaction space, which could be filled by MIL (if your analysis is correct). Your L is your best guide on this.

H not responding to you may well be the best for both of you. Inadvertently maybe, please let H react and C give yourself space. Stop control of H and his reactions, H is responsible for his choices and the consequences of those choices. Let him be responsible for that. If he is trying to be NC with you for a while then let him. If H has stayed silent on where he lives, kept his number to himself, had his mother call you then he is looking to give himself space to work his stuff. Let him do this and C work on you and your need to control.

The only point of contact is his work then that is what L must use.

Even living in the same house then I let my H have his space. No texts, emails calls or interactions unless on admin. I let H ininiate all contact related matters and no R talk at all. My fins agreement went into place and there was spew for a few weeks, a couple of rants and now it is BAU. I prefer to let H take the lead on this and I will not be abused. Otherwise I listen and validate.

The need to control is a very important one for C, the need for certainty comes from an insecure place. This is an uncertain world where outcomes are unpredictable, detatchment is key. In 12 steps we have the Serenity Prayer it is on the back of all of our literature and I hold it to my heart as wise.

Please grant me the Serenity to change the things I can , the Serenity to accept the things I can not change and the Wisdom to know the difference.

Your burdens will be lighter and you will be serene to let H fall into the category of the things you can not change.

Peace and a restful mind

Vanilla


Last edited by Vanilla; 01/28/15 05:23 AM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2531764 01/28/15 05:35 AM
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This is the AA version:

Lord, grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I can not change

COURAGE to change the things I can

And the WISDOM to know the difference.

This is the more well known version than Serenity now.

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 01/28/15 05:39 AM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2531771 01/28/15 06:57 AM
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I was taught it was God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change. To change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference,

My Mum was in AA. for many years before she passed. I bought her the praying ( serenity hands) hands that she wore around her neck. We had them added to her grave stone


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Karma12 #2531783 01/28/15 07:35 AM
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Originally Posted By: Karma12
I was taught it was God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change. To change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference,

My Mum was in AA. for many years before she passed. I bought her the praying ( serenity hands) hands that she wore around her neck. We had them added to her grave stone


Each AA group and GA group seem to have their own version of it. Karma. I typed that version from the back of the AA pamphlet I have here. The version we use is called Serenity now. The words may vary from 12 step to step but the message is the same.

http://www.thevoiceforlove.com/serenity-prayer.html

That is beautiful to have this in your life and how serene to have that message in the form of guiding hands on your mums gravestone. I just shed a tear, this is so elegant.

I love the hands, our logo is a life bouy with three sections.

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 01/28/15 07:43 AM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2531983 01/28/15 08:32 PM
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Hi Calibri,

My heart goes out to you as I am facing some kind same situation. I will serve the separation papers to my H when he comes back from his trip on feb 15th.

I feel this kind of mixed feelings, most because I really don't want this whole s**t situation in my life. But, protecting myself seems like a better venue right now.

I contacted 3 Ls and they are all in the same page as my rights on the whole legal separation. In my state it does not have much a difference in LS and D, it's just a different decree at the end but the process is exactly the same.

Filing a Legal Separation for me means to make a point that I did not ask for the bloody D and I will not file for it.

The one thing that is helping me a lot is the support of good friends and my faith. I have decided to let myself open for those help because the pain in unbearable.

I do not have much hope, but then if you ready 25, she had neither and she ended up reconciling. Life have many turns and we never know what tomorrow holds for us. It may be that H comes back or maybe we find someone we will love even more and have a better life together then the previous one.

One thing I have seriously been working on is to leg go. It hurts a lot, but I am every day a tiny better. I need to let my H walk his own path and find his own purpose in his life. He is very confused now, I don't believe he is very sure of what he is doing. But he does not want to change all this. He is persisting in the direction he took a few months ago.

So, it's time for me to work on me and walk my path on my own right now. It seems all over the place sometimes, no direction, no meaning... but, there are other times that I find it very comforting to be with myself, to look forward and see the things I want to do, and think that I can do it, I have so much freedom to decide for myself now.

If after exhausting your choices you come to the conclusion that it is in your best interest to file for a legal separation, then do so. It's not the end. Your old marriage is dead anyway, you do not want to go back to what it was. But, down the road, there is always a possibility of getting together and finding a new R, a new love, one more solid and mature. Who knows? everything is possible.

I hope you have a good minute sometimes, a good hour some day, a good day during next week, if you keep choosing to respect yourself and be happy for yourself, every minute, hour and day will count.

Good lucky, we are here for you.
XOXO
Pink


Pink17
S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



Pink17 #2531997 01/28/15 09:10 PM
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And the verdict is in folks. H is fine with it being delivered to work as he, "has no plans on working on the marriage anymore. Thank you for your understanding."

Via an email.


M:32,H 32
T:10, M5
BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger
H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15
Served D Papers: 10/15
Divorced: 11/15
Calibri #2532001 01/28/15 09:25 PM
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How are you doing now, what do you feel over this?


Mid 30's
Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH
D 9/15; NC forever on

You can't DR your way out of abuse.



Zelda09 #2532006 01/28/15 09:31 PM
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Hi Calibri

Well, I think the main thing is, you have been the person you want to be in raising the query with him. If you were a lesser person, you might have enjoyed his potential embarassment at having the papers delivered at work. But this isn't who you are, and so you asked him - because you felt that was the decent and the right thing to do. Good for you....and now you have your response.

My IC said to me recently - at the end of the day Toots, your relationship with yourself is the most important thing here. Not your marriage, or your relationship with your husband. I think she was so right.

Good luck going forwards Calibri :-)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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