Starsky, I find your comments to Jefe very interesting.
If you reread Jefe's blogs I think you would agree Jefe has become extremely empathic toward his wife. And become very adept at gauging her emotions.
In fact, if you reread some of his posts you will see how he has learned to correctly discern her emotional state before she engaged in a behavior pattern that was destructive to the marriage. And how Jefe has learned proactive techniques to respond to his wife when her emotional temperature rises.
I agree that no one should mind read but I think you would agree that a successful relationship requires the ability to recognize your partners mood and respond accordingly.
You don't you think Jefe is doing an excellent job of this?
Thank you, Hope. I am working so hard at this it is nice that not only is SHE noticing, but you and others are too.
I do have to say that I kind of understand what Starsky was saying.
More blogging:
Wife called a little over an hour ago, right after she got home from her meeting. She just wanted to let me know that she really enjoyed the day and she wanted to thank me for something I brought back for her from her aunt's apt.
Yes, she is being nice and I could tell some of it was hard for her to say. This niceness has been so hard won that I can help but smile a little. Some other things were said through-out the day that I know I'm on the right track. It's just moving along at a snail's pace, no retract that, it is moving at God's pace.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Got it. The niceness is about 30% of my gauge, considering it was hard for 2 months there for her to even be in the same zip code with me and not be hateful. The other 70% is based on intel showing movement in the marital direction and movement back towards God & Recovery which was completely abandoned back in late Oct.
This movement all started very soon after me calling her out on the carpet in early Dec about what I knew, who I knew, and when I knew. She scrambled pretty quickly. I think in the light of day it wasn't all a pretty little picture like it often looks in the dark of night.
Got it. The niceness is about 30% of my gauge, considering it was hard for 2 months there for her to even be in the same zip code with me and not be hateful. The other 70% is based on intel showing movement in the marital direction and movement back towards God & Recovery which was completely abandoned back in late Oct.
This movement all started very soon after me calling her out on the carpet in early Dec about what I knew, who I knew, and when I knew. She scrambled pretty quickly. I think in the light of day it wasn't all a pretty little picture like it often looks in the dark of night.
Sorry for the short responses earlier, Jefe, but I was on my iPhone. The main point I was trying to get across to you (and anyone following along), is to have a measuring stick for "what's working" that is not JUST "she/he is being nice to me" (although that is important -- I like your 30%), but rather is "she/he is making demonstrable moves back towards the marriage, and away from OM/OW" . . . and then to have a good intel system in place to verify it.
Too many on here simply go by "well that must have been the wrong move, because it made her mad," when in fact sometimes what makes them mad is simply laying a long-overdue boundary. Or, conversely, they think "well what I'm doing must be working, because he's being nice to me," when in fact he's stringing his poor wife along as his Plan B.
You sound like you are keeping a very level head about where you are going, and it's serving you well.
Haha, level head. Dec was probably the darkest period in my life, ever. I'm pretty level now. I think what did it for me was the fact Dec was so dark. I mean things I had dreaded and feared were happening or close to happening and I lived through it. It has given me the ability to be objective about it now.
I am choosing to not pursue anything at all. I let her come to me each and every time and so far it's working well. On the surface it looks like she is the one in control but oddly enough, it puts me in the driver's seat somewhat. I can't control her anyway. She's going to feel what she feels when she feels it. I do believe however, that she is starting to realize operating through emotion instead of through obligation and morality has been destructive in her life. At least some things she has written in the last 30 days would suggest so.
Thank you again for your kind words, Starsky. That means a lot coming from you.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Hey Jefe, I have absolutely nothing productive to say about your sich, just letting you know I was thinking about you today. I hope you are having a great weekend.
That's ok, I often have nothing productive to say about my situation either.
Lame weather today, we are park hopping between light showers. But it's starting to get cold so time to hit McDonalds To play inside for a bit.
Guess I'll blogg whilst I'm here.
I have nothing productive to say.
Wife is continuing to act like she is completely confused (it's probably not an act). She often retracts the nice stuff, like this past Tues, with withdraw or weirdness. She has been withdrawn both Wed and Thur and warming back up yesterday and today. But I am starting to get more accustomed and used to the whole process so it's easier to know what to expect.
Happy weekend, everyone.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
So, interesting text exchange this evening: (We have spoken on the phone several times today. Nothing extraordinary, just boring daily stuff. This texting is right after her last call to me. She is worried some damage found on the van she drove yesterday that she missed will be charged back to her)
Me: So what became of the damage to the van? Did you get in trouble or did it all turn out ok? Wife: IDK yet, I'll prob find out next week if anything comes of it. Me: Hope it works out for the best Wife: Me too Me: Rest of your day go ok? Wife: Well my life in general su�ks besides the girls, my mom, and you Me: Why? Me: Wow, nice to know that I'm included in that Wife: It's consequences of my actions in general. Nothing specific. Wife: Yes, you're nice Me: I'm nice, ok ty.
That was it. No clue whats going on. I know she posted on FB that life had been full of disappointments lately and she wanted prayers because she was feeling broken. So very curious I am. I am prayerful that this could be a turning point for her, but I am not giddy or happy. I truly hate that she is going to have to be "broken" before she can heal. I mean, I want her to feel remorse over her part of the situation but it is still hard to watch someone you love suffer.
I invited her to church tomorrow. Her sponsor attends our church and our Sunday School class but I haven't seen her in a few weeks but the wife said she was going to be there tomorrow. So, we'll see.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
