So I am divorced.

[mahhhty]

Tides turn quick in these waters. My sails are deflated today, as I just received the final paperwork, signed by the judge. In the eyes of the law our marriage is over. I knew it would happen, but it still unfortunate. Irrevocable differences still makes my blood boil, although I did not put up much of a fight over it. The meaning of irrevocable is... not able to be changed, reversed, or recovered; final. However, there was never a joint attempt to fix things. That is truly unfortunate for us as individuals and most importantly our munchkins. I have them this weekend and will be going over and above to have a great weekend.

Interesting though... They day I receive the papers, I also received a custom print I ordered from the UK for my bedroom. It is William Ernest Henley's poem, Invictus. Coincidence, I choose to believe that it is not. I find solace in this poem, as its theme is the will to survive a severe test. I believe it is a good representation of the internal struggle I (we) face in our relationships as individuals.

"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul."

- W. E. Henley 1875

[mahhhty]

Had another good session with the IC today. We have been spreading out our sessions as I feel myself coming into my own. Today we talked about my anger. And he asked whether it is anger or disappointment. And I'd have to say it's disappointment not anger. The emptiness or hole that exists causes me to be in a bad mood. Regardless, that is part of this, and I have to keep marching through it.

We also talked about the pre-wedding homework, and the fact I identified myself as short tempered and she identified herself as passive aggressive. He believes it makes a lot of sense, knowing what we know now. It was an incredible piece of foreshadowing. He asked if I know what she is doing now. And I don't. I have not a clue. I hope she is working through her situation. I wish I could help in someway, but I know I should not and honestly I can't (as we have little interaction).

At the end, we did discuss me asking her out to lunch. That was an interesting conversation. He believes it will be a good opportunity to connect with her and try to work on developing our new co-parenting relationship. It will also give me face time with her to improve our situation. The thought of it was a difficult one. I'm not sure I am ready for this kind of interaction. I have learned a lot but don't have a ton of practice implementing the techniques (validation, de-escalating conflict, etc). I would hate to have a negative interaction. But it would give us a chance to discuss how we want to handle certain situations, the ability to express thanks (for situations like the other day with the late phone call), and get on the same page about the kids. It does have merit, but I'm still a little raw.

[Sotto]

Hi Mahhhty - maybe you could start smaller than lunch....coffee?

[mahhhty]

Coffee... that sounds more do-able. Thanks Toots. I'm not sure how ready I am for something like that (without any backslides or negative issues). I'll look to see if I believe there is any potential.

[lost18]

My counselor continues to suggest that I do/say things that I'm not ready for either. I agree with toots on starting small, but whatever and whenever or if you decide to do that make sure you have no expectations (easier said than done!)

Also, have some sort of plan in place. Do you want it to be friendly? or is there something (coparenting plan) you are trying to achieve. Also, have an out if things go south...just a suggestion.

[mahhhty]

There have been a bunch of random things to catch up on.

Coffee time...I've made no move on the coffee/get together front. I'm going to wait a little longer.

Her business travel.... Social media enlightened me that she was on business travel to a western ski town. One that I have friends in and asked her to go to multiple times and we never went. This is absolutely no reflection on her, most likely it is a coincidence. It is just a crappy one from my perspective.

Texts... I've noticed that out of 7 days in the week, I am getting texts 4-5 days of the week. Since she has been back from travel, I've received them in back to back days and they had nothing to do with the kids immediate care or the divorce. I'm definitely dark. I don't initiate any calls or texts to her. I return calls if needed and return some texts but not all.

GAL... I'm back lifting at a better pace and with a new routine. My back pain is gone. I've been skiing multiple times, and with the warm weather streak, I'll be kayaking this weekend. I've also been buying a lot of new things. New pictures and an "art line" for the munchkin's creations, to transform the dinning room. New art, bedding, frames for the master bedroom. I've definitely been busy.

I've been thinking about trying to record all the pieces of the story, my understanding at least, as well as, what I can learn from it and what I have changed in me or am trying to change. This would be in the form of an essay or perhaps a letter. But my understanding at this moment is that I won't be sending her any of these letters.

[mahhhty]

With daycare in full swing and no vacation days, I only see her every other Friday. Today was one of those Fridays. She came in very pleasant with a smile on her face, obviously excited to see the munchkins. I was pleasant but reserved, we have very little eye contact or discussions.

Today I asked her to sign the escrow check and had a check for half of it ready to give her (from the refinance). She honestly didn't even know about the check, but her half was around $950. This is the third check I have given her half of that was unexpected to her. I have no problem giving her that money b/c it is the right thing to do. What I have a problem with is her not even saying thank you. I think I also have a problem that she didn't say thank you for the $5K discrepancy in the CS paperwork, and also that she didn't say I'm sorry for her piece of this until the drunken night when she wanted to hook up (which she doesn't remember).

I have little insight into her life and don't pretend to know what is going on. But the sense of entitlement and lack of common curtesy bothers me.

I am detaching at a snail's pace. I don't feel the heart racing anymore and haven't for many weeks, I just feel the dull emptiness that is my relationship with her.

On the phone during the nightly "good night talks" with the kids, I am doing better, and crack at least 1 joke that she laughs at every time. However, in person I am slightly passive, bad at small talk, don't always say good bye to her, and usually fact based.

I'm flirting with the idea of blowing off the work day and going skiing.

[mahhhty]

Went skiing yesterday, going whitewater kayaking today.

While skiing I had the goodnight talk with her and the kids. It's obvious to me that I do so much better in those situations. She even was bringing conversation to the table. A good example was her promoting d4 to ask me questions about electricity. D4 asked how it worked and X identified that I could tell her. Then we starred joking that electricity was magic and I am a magician. It was fun family like conversation. So I know my name is being thrown around over there which made me slightly happy.

I've often thought if I could manufacture a moment, a kiss, it would throw her world upside down, and perhaps challenge her ideas/feelings. But that is pursuit, and not part of the game plan.

Time to go get wet!

[lost18]

Hey M, stopping by. I haven't been posting much lately but know I'm still in your corner. It's good you have a plan...I think maybe I need a more solid plan too!

Sounds like you are doing great with GAL! Sounds fun!

[mahhhty]

I've been on work travel all week. I head home tomorrow and get to pick up the munchkins. I miss them. The nightly phone calls don't do our relationship justice. I need to keep pushing the start ups forward to get out of my current position.

Tonight, I saw a family of four walk out of the restaurant to their car... the Mom was walking hand and hand with the father and her son. While the Dad was walking hand and hand with the Mom and daughter. I pray that those days are still in my future. I miss my family. I miss my wife.