So I am divorced.

[mahhhty]

I hope all are dealing with V Day in their own way, but dealing with it in a fun way (if possible). I got two munchkins that are going to dress up (shirt & tie for one, and the other a dress) and we are going out to dinner for V Day, for the start of the impending blizzard.

I had an interesting conversation with a buddy and his significant this AM. They talked about the STBX's family posting things on Facebook. Upbeat posts about love and family and kids, etc. They asked me if it bothered me, and honestly, I hadn't paid attention to it... so No it doesn't bother me. They asked if I knew if it bothered STBX. I have no idea. It is her family, so obviously at this time and place I can't comment about it to her. But I would think that in such a hard time for their daughter/sister they would back off on posting how great their loves are and how wonderful their life is. I view it almost as them adding stress and pressure while she is already down. Definitely not considerate of their own flesh and blood or tactful in my opinion. In general, I don't see her "liking" these posts, but that is just a generalization. Stuff like that makes me dislike social media.

[mahhhty]

Short journal entry today... I saw another social media post. A letter the STBX wrote to hear parents, thanking them for the unconditional support and identifying that "Your marriage and the love your share is immensely inspiring."

That is difficult to read and slightly angers me.

Early on I spoke to her parents about her 4 premises (ILYBINILWY, I'm not happy, relationships aren't work & people don't change). Her own parents didn't agree with her premises, and her father described their journey as a journey that requires two people to work on their relationship and to continually fall in love over and over.

So although she believes it is immensely inspiring, does she believe that it doesn't always come easy or natural, and that somethings need effort.

I think I have been more in the anger stage of grieving lately. I haven't been showing it to her or projecting it to her. But I am upset and my head naturally defaults to thinking about this. I need to shake it. More GAL'ing I think.

[Mozza]

I would say that she's trying to obfuscate the contradiction between her behaviour and values. She's aware of it, at least at the subconscious level. Make no bones about it even though I understand why it's upsetting.

In Facebook, you can hide a person's post from your feed without de friending them. I did it a few months ago with the support of this community and it did e a lot of good. Her posts don't swing my moods anymore. You can still go to her profile. It's been 11 days and counting for me, a personal record for me!

[lnlyshp]

mahhhty,

Social media can be a tough thing to navigate during difficult times. I personally made the choice to "block" STBX on FB and other platforms because nothing she posted ever made me feel good - at best I convinced myself I didn't care and at worst, it made me really angry or hurt. I explained to her that I wasn't blocking her out of anger - just for my own good. I don't know if this is something you're interested in doing, but I think it helped me quite a bit.

I wanted to ask you about hope. I think you and I are in similar stages of D process and you commented the other day in my thread to the effect of "it doesn't have to change anything if you don't want it to." I've been thinking about that a lot lately. How do you maintain hope? I don't mean to imply your situation is hopeless at all. I guess I'm just wondering where your will to keep fighting comes from. When she filed, I think most of my hope died and when I file soon, that pretty much seals the deal aside from the mandatory waiting period my state dictates.

Thanks again and sending good thoughts your way.
- ship

[mahhhty]

Thanks Mozza & lnlyship. You are right about blocking, hiding & de-friending. I usually choose the path of least resistance, so hiding seems appropriate for me. I hate drama. I've been trying to take out the high's and low's of the roller coaster lately, I think that kind of maneuver would be good.

[mahhhty]

ship - Here is my dissertation on hope. I hope there is something in this that is useful to you. This is what I believe today in my heart & mind. Of course I maintain that this could change over time, but what in life remains exactly the same overtime?

I wanted to ask you about hope. I think you and I are in similar stages of D process and you commented the other day in my thread to the effect of "it doesn't have to change anything if you don't want it to." I've been thinking about that a lot lately. How do you maintain hope? I don't mean to imply your situation is hopeless at all. I guess I'm just wondering where your will to keep fighting comes from. When she filed, I think most of my hope died and when I file soon, that pretty much seals the deal aside from the mandatory waiting period my state dictates.

Honestly, I’ve never dived into this topic before. What fuels my hope??? I think it is for a host of reasons.

Our Story… In my opinion our story was tremendous. It was real, alive, fun, the best version of love two people could have (in my opinion or at least the best in my life). I didn’t second guess it, and I knew I wanted to be in her life everyday until the end of days. This came from a guy, who never brought girls home, never had a long term relationship, etc. I know this is true for her as well because she wrote it down in multiple places/things that I still have.

Our Kids… We have wonderful kids and we were great parents (this was actually one of her issues, that we operating at a co-parenting level). The kids are only 4 and 2, and already they have made attempts to get her here or me over there. I can see that they have a longing for us to be together already.

Happiness… I read an article about happiness as it relates to a couple’s status (together, separated, & divorced). Divorced people aren’t as happy as separated people, people who are together with their kids are the most happy. The article had stats to back it up in all situations. Her main issue was that she wanted to be happy. This does not match what I read. As a WAW she might believe she has tried everything, I didn’t step up until I saw her actions. To my understanding we are very close to the typical situation (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eyty0xb7IMM). I believe that the issue and the solution (divorce) don’t match, and I believe that happiness as individuals, as a couple, and as a family is possible. I still visualize what that looks like.

Individual Strength… I believe that what doesn’t kill you can make you stronger. It doesn’t have to, but it can if you are honest with yourself, willing to put in the work and not scared to “fail.” Thomas Edison said "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."

Couple Strength… Similarly to individual strength, I believe that if we were to reconcile and both of us had a willingness to look into our hearts and be honest with ourselves and each other, that we could address the issues, and be stronger as a couple/family.

“For Better or Worst”… This is the worst. I didn’t need a law, lawyer, mediation, or paperwork to ask her out or to be with her. So why should I let those documents & paperwork dictate that this is over. I believed in my vows. I believed in her. I believed in us. I believe that for better or worst. This is the worst (that we have known). In reading this board alone there is a multitude of people dealing with infidelity, drugs, mental health issues, etc. Those people are finding strength in this board to continue or to reconcile. Why can’t I? Why them and not me? I believe that if I want it bad enough and I work hard enough to understand and make lasting change, it is possible. Basically, bottom line is that it isn’t over until I say its over or believe its over.

Hope… In the beginning of the separation/divorce process, I was looking for validation from friends and family for everything I was doing or not doing, and also for this outlook of not quitting. Most, if not all, don’t believe in it, can’t fathom it, and don’t want to see me get hurt and therefore, discourage it. It doesn’t make sense to most people. Somedays it doesn’t make sense to me, somedays I do think about dating someone else, look at this like a clean slate. However, most days I miss her. Most days I think about carrying her up the stairs, hearing her infectious laugh, thinking about our memories or holding her close. I don’t want the relationship we had at the end, because she is right that was a coparenting relationship. I want a better relationship, when were we can share ourselves openly, maintain our individuality, share in life & experiences and be intimate as we once were.

She was brave to go down this road and put it all on the line for something she believed no matter what the reasons. She always knew she was passive aggressive. This obviously illustrates that even further (I was no saint either). But our issues were only in this highly stressed, young parent stage of our lives, and therefore, I believe in all the other years we had. In my estimation, this is perhaps 2 out of 10 years. This isn’t who we are but it is who we are right now (or who we were right then).

And therefore, I have hope. She fell for me once. I believe there is a person in there who will fall for me again (illustrated by different happenings, especially that drunk night many months ago).

I believe anything is possible, once I am able to step up, be the father and man I am supposed to be, detach, forgive her and reclaim my life.

[mahhhty]

ship - here is another link. watch all the way to the end. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AmhQKUMh340

[Mozza]

Thanks a lot for your post on hope, mahhhty. It's nice to know how each of us see our sitch, where we find hope. It looks to me like you have plenty of good reasons to hope, now let's see how these evolve, how you handle them over time. In my sitch, I'm both willing to hope and to move on, but that second part has taken me a few months to reach and perhaps I'm not entirely there yet.

[mahhhty]

Mozza. I'm with you. I am there in words, but not yet there in mind & action. However, as you know, I have hope.

[mahhhty]

Just got out of a case manager meeting, to resolve a bunch of discrepancies with the paperwork. Although we filed weeks ago we aren't truly divorced. According to the case manager it should occur by the weekend.

I tried to be helpful, engaged, and tried to resolve all problems. However, I was not overly happy perhaps slightly grumpy.

Almost all of the paperwork had issues with it, imagine that. Perhaps we should have taken the time to do it correctly. Oh well. It didn't require any extra money so perhaps thats a good thing for another set of eyes.

On the walk out, she was upbeat, perhaps even happy, telling story after story about the kids. After a 45 second walk I had enough. When she finished telling me the last story, I interjected "Well, have fun with the kids tonight" and started walking away immediately. I think she would have loved to continue talking, but I don't know. Perhaps she is truly happy without me.