Daddy Long Shanks, to answer your question. I have been an Alpha Male A$$ for most of my marriage. Going hard on her or demanding my needs were met is exactly what drove her father away in the first place.
I understand some of you may not agree with my softer approach, and that's Ok. The REAL essence of Divorce Busting is finding what works and doing more of that.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Starsky, when we get into the piecing phase I think most all of your techniques come into play. Full transparency, etc. Shodan is an excellent benchmark or current work in progress for me to see what is working and what is not.
For today, what is working is what has been drawing her back towards the marriage the last 45 days and the steps she has made without me even having to ask. It's far better when one does not have to ask. I know you don't necessarily agree, but it is what I am being led to do.
Blogging: I would chalk up today as a huge success. I am cautious and not "banking" on any of it, but for me it is progress in the right direction.
She called a few times this morning to tell me her whereabouts and to confirm the plan as the day was moving forward. She got to the house about 11:00am and we got to work right away on several house projects.
We had never finished staining the deck I built last year. We were in the process of doing it when she walked. That was one of her big to-do's today that she wanted to get done. We emptied Grandma's fridge, cleared the driveways, etc. Lots of flirting and playfulness.
While I went to pick up the girls from school, she got the dishes done for me and then ran to her mom's apartment to get her clothes put up.
When we got home she was back sorting the laundry at our house and we finished it together. We laughed, flirted and joked and then it got weird silent for a second. She said: "I know, it's difficult isn't it? You don't know what to say or do."
"...Neither do I."
We planned dinner together then cooked together. A few habits in the past, when we've cooked together, that normally would have reared their heads and caused some tension never cropped up. We both actually enjoyed each other's company. We ate together, the four of us. The girls even commented about how happy the four of us were at that very moment. I concur.
She left about 15 minutes after dinner, about 15 minutes ago, to go to her AlAnon meeting. She said she enjoyed it and enjoyed looking at the driveway as she left, said "It was like old times."
I am thankful for the day. Can't exactly hang my hat on it, but it seems like progress to me. Moving ever so cautiously forward and scared out of my mind at the same time, but God didn't put us here to be fearful, now did he?
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Starsky, when we get into the piecing phase I think most all of your techniques come into play. Full transparency, etc. Shodan is an excellent benchmark or current work in progress for me to see what is working and what is not.
For today, what is working is what has been drawing her back towards the marriage the last 45 days and the steps she has made without me even having to ask. It's far better when one does not have to ask. I know you don't necessarily agree, but it is what I am being led to do.
I am speaking specifically about certain actions she has taken and physical steps that have been made.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Then pretend I'm dumb for a second (you won't have to pretend much) and speak slowly.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
The question was really very straightforward. I just wanted to know what metrics -- what benchmarks -- you were using to measure "this is working." Trying to challenge you to look beyond "she is being nice to me," and use more tangible benchmarks since its damned hard when you're in the thick of it to just go by the niceness.
Got it. The niceness is about 30% of my gauge, considering it was hard for 2 months there for her to even be in the same zip code with me and not be hateful. The other 70% is based on intel showing movement in the marital direction and movement back towards God & Recovery which was completely abandoned back in late Oct.
This movement all started very soon after me calling her out on the carpet in early Dec about what I knew, who I knew, and when I knew. She scrambled pretty quickly. I think in the light of day it wasn't all a pretty little picture like it often looks in the dark of night.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
