Part 10 - Contents may prove volatile

[edz]

Hi all

part 9 was about to lock so part 10, double digits...well, yay?

So status.... Recap .... Oh see above my hearts not in it to recap it all tonight.

Been I'll for 2 1/2 days but ventured out this evening to get groceries. Splurged on a new cozy throw for the sofa which I'm under now (the throw....not the sofa). Still fighting a headache but showered, eaten tonight, changed the bed base sheet again as I'd spent another 24 hours in there and I have a thing about having fresh bedding.

Nothing from w since Sunday so glad I wasn't dying in bed or bft would have eaten me by now.

Couple of friends pinged me asking was I thinking about getting on match or zoosk or similar... Honestly I don't know. Huge chunk of me wants to think about it if for no other reason that loneliness is biting right now, up to Sunday evening I'd have said I'll stand though but as I mentioned in the last thread I found out something I've since confirmed that tends to say chances of reconciling are currently slim to none, trouble is without really compromising w's privacy can't really go into it which is painful as I'd love to talk to someone about it but can't.

So yes, back to work tomorrow wfh as no one wants my lurgy. W is supposedly seeing her friend from college this weekend but hasn't yet confirmed with me what's happening or what days. Other than that its a cold dark Wednesday feeling better but still fairly ugh snuggling in my fuzzy throw. No alcohol while I'm poorly though.

Did try to ramp up the detatchment slightly last couple of days as I have a feeling I need to. Changed photos in the house around remaining wedding pic and pics of s, w and I are still about but not as apparent and selecting pics of s to get printed up instead. Can always change them back later.

Toots,v,ganb8te,jim thanks for all the checking on me. Jim asked me some good questions on what's the downside if w and I are done bar coparenting, well that's pretty much the current sitch bar me deciding to give up on the m and stick a toe in the dating pool in some ways it'd be a lot less painful.

I'm trying to avoid mind reading and snooping but I really hope if w is doing what I now suspect w is doing she chooses to talk to me, let's say she has issues to work on but those may exclude me romantically depending on what she decides.

So I'm hoping the thread by the end sees a slightly happier position we shall see

[Sotto]

Evening Edz. Glad to hear you are on the sofa and not under it. However, it is Tuesday evening and not Wednesday - just thought I should mention...Was that wishful thinking on your part?

Sounds like you are a little more in the land of the living, which is good. Making it out to buy groceries sounds like progress. And washed your sheet too....impressive!

You sound low about things with your W though, and I am sorry. Again, I would say, give yourself some time. Don't rush off and think about dating right now. You're feeling raw about this new information, and you probably just need some time to process things and move forwards.

It doesn't sound as though your are ready to jump into the dating arena just yet. Maybe wait until (if/when) you get to the point that you can enjoy it more - there's no rush. Plenty more sheets to be laundered before then....

Hope you feel fully recovered soon :-)

[edz]

Thanks toots temporarily and temporally discombobulated it appears.

Yes if I look at anything dating related it will be as a passive observer for now. I'm lonely, very lonely but I'm not about to start a relationship thats doomed to codependency from day 0!

[jim0987]

Hi edz. Hope BFT is happy with the new throw.

I fully understand your wish to respect your wife's privacy. There's a lot I've posted since BD I probably shouldn't have done. Its another sign of your character.

Remember not to lump to many things together as one decision, or make things seem more like a decision when they aren't. A decision to dip into the dating pool is not the immediate consequence if giving up on the marriage, just as deciding that focusing on building the best possible coparenting relationship is not the same as giving up on the marriage.

Whatever it is has obviously shaken you a bit especially given the way your W has been recently so I would say toots is right and you should give yourself some time.

But to my mind whatever you decide I think you should keep doing what you were doing because it read like it was working for you.

[gan]

^^^ great post, Jim. I agree.

Hey Edz - I bet you and Jim could figure out a way to connect. Maybe both post on another forum where you can exchange contact info. A purposefully created Skype name perhaps? Sounds like you would like to talk this through with someone but it's totally understandable (and respectable) that you don't want to do it here.

[edz]

Thanks Jim

For now not changing anything in the way I'm dealing with s or w.believe me the times I've typed a version of what's going on and then hit back back back etc

I can say one thing, one way, thats that I do think w is looking to casually date I can't go into the rest. Thats part of what shook me up but I expected something like that would come up as she works out what she thinks she wants its been 6 months and she walked away so won't have the apprehension I do.

[edz]

Hi gan

I'll think about it...I.e..commit the grey matter.

Incidently there's no one here I wouldn't talk openly to. Unfortunately the way the site is configured each and every post is in the open google cache without logging in

[edz]

Well its now the real Wednesday ( Toots) i preferred the fake one as its belting it down out there and dark.

Had a really good deep sleep last night and woke up before the alarm this morning. Had some time to just lay there until the BFT let it be known it was time to feed everyone's favourite brown cat, i.e. her.

Working from home (no one wants my bug although I'll share I'm generous that way) so no need for a commute so leisurely shower this morning and time to make the bed etc.

Attended this mornings conference calls and running through the 800 or so emails that built up since Friday night. Taking a quick coffee break now and updating here before fixing everything thats broken or been shovelled my way since last week.

Still nothing from w, definitely on radio silence again - although committing the cardinal sin of mind reading I'm not suprised given what I think she's chewing over (sorry for being vague) if it goes the way I think it is thats not something I'd know how to face me over either. As always I'll validate and be warm if she contacts me although having said I will need to send her a text if she doesnt come back to me before tomorrow just to check what days S is coming over this weekend (i.e. is she seeing her friend and going there or is her friend coming over - I wont be suprised if she cancels and its a one night stay from s this week, I wont kick off over this after last week obviously).

Slightly concerned as w has now quit her job (or was about to when we last spoke) with nothing to go to, no idea what monies she has saved as I stay out of her business unless she still dips into the joint account (this wont be an issue shortly - waiting on bank approval on an OD then a new account will be in my name only and my name removed from the joint account). I've noticed she's also becoming more introverted except to move S around to various events.

Honestly its now (more or less) detatched concern as I would feel for a relative who's hurting and seems to be going off at a tangent I want to help (mr fixit trying an escape attempt) but cant let myself (but the guards caught him with a spoon).

V, Ive long noted in your signature "wanting an end to all the drama" I think thats my overriding feeling at the moment. It's no longer me pining for w (done with that since dec) even the aching for her to want to reconcile is dwindling its just a mourning for all the moments we had and wont have again now. Even found myself considering could we be friends to at least have those platonically in the future but I think that would just be way too painful especially if she chose to discuss romantic entanglements, I think I can move on but I cant be that level of friend to her without hurting myself.

As I said right now we're effectively coparenting with odd windows of w being chatty and almost grabbing on (not physically to me) I wonder (trying not to mindread) if its her fear of going on from the M (I really wish I could explain more on that) and leaving behind our 15 years together.

I know when I saw w on sunday she looked tired, haunted and ponderous. I understand her work situation playing on her mind but the past 15 years of understanding her BL tell me there's more, I know better than to dwell on it in front of her or start poking though. I focussed on S not just for BD but for him and I and our relationship. If the M is done then thats sad but I wont lose him now and he may need me more than ever if things go down as I think they may do.

Got pinged again by friends regarding dating sites, one of whom said he signed up a headerless account for me (i.e. no picture of me or details) and sent over some pings - its nice they're concerned, its nice they are trying "intervention" but asked if they could not just now, not pining after w as I said but it could all be misinterprited and I need to be emotionally available (god knows Im physically available) and fully healed as any new relationship has to start with no codependency and me not looking for a w "replacement" but someone new, fun and who will be open to love both from me and to me, something lacking in my life for quite a few years. I'm simply not interested in casual "hook ups" or one night stands, not that guy and never was, maybe thats my problem all along?

Anyway, enough maudling (Im really not as down in the dumps as this sounds, just whats been bouncing around in my head) finally got around to the final episodes of Agents of Shield last night (I'd put off watching anything w and i watched together, silly I know but a few months ago any ghosts of her hurt me, now time to watch what I enjoy although the music library will take much, much longer - way too full of memories) and will start getting back to GAL in the next few days as I feel better.

Guitar course was full which bummed me out, so still looking for something even if its slightly outside my comfort zone. At this rate anything that has spaces and not cancelled so if I end up with advanced lampost polishing (and no Gg thats not a euphemism) you'll know why!

Anyway on with work for a bit.

[Ggrass]

I howled at that, but it was an cough understanding what a spit polish was! In my m!

Yes it was norty. Um ma! Now I'm gunna dream rude dreams.

Oh well if my life was half as Interesting as the gossipis say, I'm jumping edzs as well. Lol

[edz]

Now chance would be a fine thing..

[Ggrass]

Oh for work we had to wear hats, mine was referred to as a lamp shade. Lol

[gan]

V, Ive long noted in your signature "wanting an end to all the drama" I think thats my overriding feeling at the moment. It's no longer me pining for w (done with that since dec) even the aching for her to want to reconcile is dwindling its just a mourning for all the moments we had and wont have again now. Even found myself considering could we be friends to at least have those platonically in the future but I think that would just be way too painful especially if she chose to discuss romantic entanglements, I think I can move on but I cant be that level of friend to her without hurting myself.

Yes, I've been pondering this a bit lately, too. Things are shifting inside me and that's partially why I mentioned the 6 month club as it seems a few of us got to this place at around the 6 month time frame. But...I count Card in that esteemed club too and he's just updated that he wants back in to the M. So who knows what way the wind will blow next for us all?

I think I've figured out what is going on BTW. I don't think she's joined a convent and I think MI6 is out of the question. I think maybe your W is making plans to hitchhike to the galaxy, and you have a boundary that W must be a resident of this planet if M is going to work out. If that's it - and I think it could be - then I think you are handling things really well.

Respect to you Edz. I think holding back on this info to protect W's privacy is a very nobel thing for you to do.

[edz]

I think I've figured out what is going on BTW. I don't think she's joined a convent and I think MI6 is out of the question. I think maybe your W is making plans to hitchhike to the galaxy, and you have a boundary that W must be a resident of this planet if M is going to work out. If that's it - and I think it could be - then I think you are handling things really well.

Respect to you Edz. I think holding back on this info to protect W's privacy is a very nobel thing for you to do.

Thanks G (can I call you G, getting lazy with the numeric keypad )

Never thought of myself as nobel, just want to be fair to her, I still love, care and respect her even if she's no longer going to be my w.

Loved the hhgttg call out I wish the answer was 42 lol.

If you do work out why and reading back there probably are clues even though Ive tried to not compromise myself or her privacy you could see why this would be an end that I cant really see a way back from if it is truly what she needs to do anyway. If not that will be even more confusing nonsense If so I'd ask anyone not post it in so many words, the reasoning would be obvious.

Regardless working out my emotions is, as you say, an ongoing process, possibly the remnants of the rollercoaster - I'd be up for a 6 /12 / 18 month club, not sure we can have two threads going though (although the recent man cave / hen club seemed to do it - I purposefully stayed out of both, I don't do exclusionary no matter why its there, in the case of the former certainly wasnt anything I was interested in being part of and it ended exactly as I expected it to - run and moderated waaay too many forums and systems to expect a good outcome there) Anyway back on topic yes I'd be happy to.

Incidentally I did email the forum runners to ask about setting up some kind of db GAL dinner or similar IRL but they havent replied which Im taking as a no for now or possibly just something they dont want to comment on. For now its just our digital selves then.

[edz]

Oh for work we had to wear hats, mine was referred to as a lamp shade. Lol

like a "food service" style one, those always reminded me more of hairnets, lamp shades sounds....interesting.

[jim0987]

They haven't scheduled the earth for demolition have they?

I think I know where your coming from edz on a bunch if stuff and if its what I'm thinking then I can see why that's a deal breaker. At the same time whether it is us up to you. I hate to sound harsh though if she doesn't want to reconcile it doesn't actually matter except for if it impacts on your ability to be friends/coparents (and thats the more pressing concern/decision for you.)

Ill post more in a bit. Gotta go

[edz]

Not that I know of but I havent seen a door with beware of the leopard and a locked filing cabinet or been to alpha centauri.

Ok mate, if you get it I think you can see and at that point well...

You are completely right, Im not daft enough to say I dont mind on the decision, I do, I care very strongly and I love her but I cant flip switches in her mind and I accept that.

If we're done I'll walk away and I'll be the best dad I could ever be, I'll respect her boundries and we'll work on anything we need to for S to be the best he can be.

Right now, today, I know I cant be her friend, thats a boundry, theres no ultimatum theres no repercussion I simply cant be a friend and confident and all that true, deep, friendship entails and has been. I would be unable to separate the feelings that would keep resurfacing at that point and it would obliterate any chance at my being happy with someone else as well as being utterly unfair to her.

Coparenting is about love, caring and support for our son who we had through love for each other and for him. That I can do. In brutal terms if her relationship with someone breaks up Im not the man to tell (none yet that I know of thats not the "thing") if her stereo packs in I dont want to be called, if she's off having fun with friends and sees a funny picture I dont need to see it I dont want funny messages on facebook or to know her thoughts on growing child actors. If sons bed falls apart and she cant sort it out because of funds, I want to know, if he wants to go on a trip and she cant pay for it I want to know, if he wins an award... and so on.

I honestly think its that (and I expressed this clearly as a boundry back in September with warmth and sensitivity) thats keeping her tuning in and out.

I suppose my emotional side is loathe to give up on the slim (and getting slimmer) hopes of a future together its shouting out at me to find someone preferably w and thats screwing with what may end up being an unavoidably hurtful to all decision if w cannot bring herself to do it hoping I'll be the "bad guy".

For now, I'm keeping the course steady but I need her to be honest with me, I know - right now - she's not doing that fully. I cant and wont tackle her on it yet though for the same reasons I wont post the issue here. Its not my business yet - she left, she's gone, she's not promised me anything and I'm not expecting anything but her to say when she's done and wants to file, I have the same options. Just difficult closing the chapter on a third of my life really even if the story continues..

[Sotto]

Hi Edz, sounds like you are doing pretty well with 'the thing' - processing and working through it. You said that people may know what has happened from your posts - well, I'm in the 'haven't got a clue' group...and fully understand/respect if there are things that you don't feel you want to post on the forum.

Hope your bugs are departing, and that you'll soon be back to your usual sunny self. Shame about guitar. So, of course you won't be giving up on this midweek GAL plan....what's next on your list my friend?

At the moment, I'm trying to introduce a new activity a month....not all continue, but I'm trying to get one a month started. We S in July (7 months) and so far I have book club, infidelity group (GAL?) calligraphy group, volunteering, tai chi, yoga, aqua aerobics...so I'm on track. Pink has inspired me to think about latin american dancing (which I've never done.) I'm asking myself if 2015 is the year I learn to dance to Conga Del Fuego.....this may be my February GaL plan.

Should I lay down the gaunlet for a new GAL activity for you each month?? ;-)

[edz]

Hi toots

Love to say I'm doing well with it, its tearing me up a little but there's literally nothing I can do without either walking away or compromising my ethics / her privacy. Sigh...

The sad truth is "it" is something that I can't see allowing us ever to reconcile if it is a serious "thing" sigh...

On more fun subjects yes gal is coming on. Looking to join a gym on a cheapy plan setting myself a challenge to be less well less by July for beach weather.

Other gal...well ERM... Thinking on it

[Sotto]

Well Sire, in that case, the gauntlet has been laid down....

January GAL
Toots - new yoga class..

[edz]

Oh I see like that eh?



Shall think on it

[gan]

Edz, I do have an idea about what "it" could be, but I'm taking your lead and not saying it. If it's what I think it is then I can see why you might think it is the end, but I don't necessarilty think it is a deathly blow. W has some stuff she needs to figure out, as you say. Only time will tell.

Actually that is pretty much the same for all of us (well, H, in the case of us gals).

((Edz))

[Ggrass]

Oh for work we had to wear hats, mine was referred to as a lamp shade. Lol

like a "food service" style one, those always reminded me more of hairnets, lamp shades sounds....interesting.

Nope, we are talking fancy smancy something you would wear to the races hat. Complete with feathers. Totally impractical.

[edz]

Stylish though!

[Ggrass]

It was my fave colour and a chicken I suspect gave their life for the feathers!

It was funny seeing customers reactions, some thought it silly but still fun others just couldn't help it and be negative. One of the other staff made a paper hat to get in the spirt.

I just was bouncy no matter how they reacted.

[edz]

See now I read that initially as

"it was my fave colour and a chicken."

Why was she wearing a chicken and what's that got to do with a lampshade thought I. Then I re read it along with an ahhhhhh I see.

[edz]

Edz, I do have an idea about what "it" could be, but I'm taking your lead and not saying it. If it's what I think it is then I can see why you might think it is the end, but I don't necessarilty think it is a deathly blow. W has some stuff she needs to figure out, as you say. Only time will tell.

Actually that is pretty much the same for all of us (well, H, in the case of us gals).

((Edz))

Thanks G and thanks for the hug, needed one today although had an unintended laugh at ggs chicken hat which I mometarilly invented in my demented mind.

V frustrating not being able to discuss especially after being able to be so open (and still am about myself) but if youve figured it then mlc or whatever its definitely not my place to start blabbing about.

Thanks

[edz]

Oh just as an update w missed a TV show I'd recorded ran it round for her on the way to the shops (I needed rice for a Thai green chicken curry) rang the bell and was warm friendly said hi to s up the stairs but didn't go in. W texted me afterward to say thanks and I didn't need to make a special trip. Said Nah was only an extra 2 mins.

Nothing much just a small act of service.

She looked tired today like there's a lot playing on her, apparently she wasn't too well yesterday but been better today. S looked his normal bouncy self though

[gan]

S is probably the asymptomatic carrier, unleashing bugs on you and your W!

[edz]

Morning All

took me an age to get to sleep last night (as you may notice from my 2am postings) finally did get to sleep and woke up before the alarm which is always a better way to start.

Usual showered etc and working from home again (this week so no lurgy passes, G you may be right about s, seems w had the same symptoms unless we both caught something at dinner Sunday!)

Other than that nothing really to report no movement on "the thing" no contact from w since the you didnt need to make an extra trip text.

Sunny for once, feel..ok(ish).... just confused on what to do right now so taking my own advice and not changing anything until something does seem obvious. Well meaning friend (WMF used so far?) pinged me again on dating profile said theres been 89 views (no idea who you need to pay to start reading messages as those things always work) said wow, thanks but right now its probably not the right idea. I would like to meet someone purely as a friend but thats clearly not what theyre seeking or wouldnt be on a dating site, need to make sure if/when I do start a new relationship its fair to that person too.

And other than that a little tired, ok, maybe a slight touch melancholic today.

Want to get back to GAL swimming but cant until im well, will be looking at the gym treadmill,spinning etc classes as well see whats on when i go next as Im trying to get some age 40+ wobbles resolved before the summer. That should get some GAL going too.

Anyway work beckons

[edz]

Oh lordy there are days when this all seems waaay too confusing.

W emailed me to say sorry she'd only just picked up my email (from tuesday morning) and she didnt know what she was up to this weekend and had no plans.

As a reminder I was asking about s visiting not pursuing her, she was supposed to be seeing her friend this weekend so may have changed the length of s's stay, unfortunately for reasons of her friends which I wont go into but are sad they cancelled this weekend.

Replied saying I'd seen (the reason) on facebook and it was very sad, mentioned no problem normal weekend it was then, let me know if s was going to his Friday card event or would rather have a Saturday over (to make sure no inference of multi night stays), restated last week was a lot of fun to have s for so long and I really enjoyed lunch/dinner on Sunday but I wont push her for longer stays until she's ready and thinks s is ok (although its more the former than the latter IMHO).

No hint of "the thing" being mentioned, picked up from her a feeling that she thinks I've distanced her (which is ironic), this isn't mind reading just her BL and surprised looks when I don't push to come in when dropping things off or chase her up.

Probably connected to my stopping sending so many emails / texts etc (e.g. I'm no longer making the mistake of pursuing and practising my detatchment or at least trying to).

Tried to balance my normal STFU with a reminder she's welcome to pop by for coffee whether she has s in tow or not and that I'm still around to talk to. Want her to realise we're not at co-parenting only yet (although - and I didnt say this in the email which was rather shorter than this post - we may be moving that way to preserve my detachment and protect myself emotionally) but I also didn't want to fall into pursuit, its a tricky balance and really I just want her to know she can still talk to me openly which seems obvious but isnt.

Anyway left it warm open and friendly, not a huge waffling email, not one of my 'specials' that gets me hit with the STFU 2x4, zero about reconciling or m mentioned, no requests for me to see her or plan anything together just to let me know on the weekend pick up time and I hope s is feeling less uncertain nowadays.

Finished with saying lots of work on today and I'm sure they have a packed itinerary and I'll see them at the weekend.

She replied with a link to an event that may interest s which I'll look into tonight but fear may be booked out. Nice that she responded on something for he and I to do together though.

May just be a coincidence I'm not raising any expectations on anything anymore including her becoming more relaxed on he and I being together longer (although her actions suggest she may be getting there).

I just wish she'd talk to me on "the thing", its rattling me because it points in a direction that means should I go, heal and move on, or do I hang on because I do still love her.

I suppose I just don't want to be someone who just never thinks about taking another chance to be happy waiting for someone who becomes unattainable. Equally through all the issues we had, through the loneliness and lack of emotion she had for me over the last few years, I still hold on to hope.

Hmmm heavy thoughts today.

Let's see if coffee lightens me at all

Anyway thanks for reading my waffling guys.

[jim0987]

Hi edz, sorry your having a bit of a difficult time at the moment.

I've been trying to think if there's a way I can help you talk through the thing without having to go into detail or making it too obvious....

Remember she may be confused about a lot of things so even if things are what you think they may not be what you think. (Yes that does make sense honestly)

Using an example, let's say a friend if your wife sees the profile your well meaning mate set up - now she may tell W about it who then assumes it's yours and confirms it by looking herself. Because she doesn't speak to you about it she doesn't know that you had nothing to do with it.

So with the thing is there an equivalent narrative?

I like your interactions with your wife, I think they are good (especially compared to mine) so I'd keep doing what your doing and try and put the thing to one side (a bit like I have to with regard to OM)

[edz]

One thing re-reading that back (cant edit now) I do still love her, but its softened, the harshness and hurt has gone its now more a longing for moments together or for a long gone relative, if - as Jim asked - we did just drop it and call it a day apart from co parenting I do believe I could heal and move on - I'd even be happy with platonic female company now. There's obviously more, I miss the (now long ago before bd) intimacy and how good we were together at those times, the closeness and warmth but that, that I can deal with.

W closes down and pushes toward co parenting and I'm detatched and happy and start to move toward dropping it all and moving on to just being a co-parent to s, then she comes back with hints of who she was many years ago small things that we always said or did or coffees or her sad face if she wants s and i to wait while she gets something from a shop and I'm hooked on again. Some of it, I know, isnt me it's her need to be with s. Then theres the "thing" which (I wont go into but) shouts out MLC..

The really daft thing is 99.9% of the time (when Im not sick) I'm happy upbeat and would indeed say ok lets look at these dating results then something, imperceptable, happens with w and Im back to wondering can Humpty be put back together?

Opens famous box he's waffled at everyone about, puts in the various questions, puzzles and big hairy screaming rampaging "thing" and closes the lid.....

Time to take time....

[Sotto]

Hi Edz, wise advice from Jim as usual, and that may well be the best policy for right now. Try and 'park' the thing in your mind as much as you can. Much like I have done with the fact that my H feels our R is over, but hasn't told me, but has told friends.

To my mind, until or unless he and I have contact to confirm 'it's over,' 'it isn't over.' KWIM? But I agree, it's always pretty raw when we receive this unwelcome information that seemingly takes our sitch further from reconciliation. And so often in these sitches, our WAS isn't honest and open with us and we receive it third hand - double hurt. However we do have to remember that the fat lady hasn't sung yet.

I think you've done well not to let it impact greatly on your interactions with your W, and you may just want to carry on that track for now. If I'm in doubt with H, I do nothing for a bit, withdraw a bit, and process until I feel on more solid ground.

I've been working this morning, but have a headache. Notice I had one last week after yoga too. I'm not sure if everything is loosening up, or if I'm all tense in class and trying too hard. Not how yoga's supposed to work really is it?

[rd500]

Edz, you seem to be in control of your thoughts and you seem to be very much in control of "the thing". If it is a deal braker for you then I'm sorry as it's hard to reach that point because no matter what you still love her. I think 99.9% of people coe to this site because we want to save the M and are prepared to accept alot of sh1t from their WAS to reslove the M. My own sitch has got to your point but I still find myself looking for hope and its only this week that I have found that I am not looking forward to seeing W or talking to her. I suppose with time, you start to realise that there is no quick fix to anyones Sitch and life does go on.

I hope that "the thing" is not what it seems and even if it is, take it out of the box, etc.

Take care, RD

[edz]

Hi Guys, thanks, sorry you have a headache Toots.

Sorry to say (check ground for stability as its treacherous here) the "thing" is not a misunderstanding, I can't read her seriousness (entering quicksand) but it's very clear she intended to do "it" (think Im clearing the minefield).

Jim you're right apart from this and my concern for how shes looking troubled when I see her, all is far better than it was. If there was no worry about putting humpty together again I would be moving on and probably just worrying about settlements and money (ahh ok then)

Jim mate or toots if either of you figure out a way to talk tell me, I'll tell you the whole thing, had 15 minutes with a counsellor last night whose response was basically wow, didnt see that coming which gives you an idea how I feel about it. Not much of use came out of the call sadly.

[edz]

Thanks rd500,

the thing is what it seems sadly its just how serious the thing is thats the issue (nb the thing is not another person or affair just to clarify that, I can say that much)

[edz]

Just as an FYI guys I hit the notify button on my own post and wrote a query to the mods on how / if contact outside the forum is possible. I'll let you know if I hear anything thanks guys and mods.

[jim0987]

Let me know if you come up with anything.

Not trying to speculate on the thing, so I'll use a me based narrative

My wife has moved out into a house she has bought, she barely speaks to me, she is in love with another man (though that relationship is not going well last I knew), she has surrounded herself with poison and describes me as 'controlling abusive and mean'. Her actions have humiliated me and saddled us with a combined extra £200,000 of debt. She is yet to take a shred of responsibility for our marriage failing and equally has yet to openly say anything that passes for sadness over what has happened.

And yet strangely none of that is a deal breaker for me, yet 6 months ago if you'd asked all of it would have been.

But also none of that matters because the deal breaker in truth is she doesn't want a relationship with me (coparent only because she has to and I make a good babysitter).

Like you I fear being sat alone pining after someone who has entirely moved on, which let's be honest in my situation she most definitely has. (Yours feels different to many of the situations round here and I think thats a credit to you)

BUT

I couldn't date yet (thought about it a lot) as I wouldn't be being fair to whoever I dated. I need to heal, grow and live my life in the best way I can. Keeping a door open and a candle lit for the hope of reconciliation doesn't actually change what I need to do for myself. And so I need to keep on trying improve mk8/9/whatever and then at some point IF the chance arises I need to decide if there has been too much for me to take.

What I'm trying to say is your doing good, just keep swimming

[edz]

Thanks Jim, as ive said i wouldnt hurt someone else by jumping in too early - unless it was a romcom "omg this is the real soul mate how did this happen" kind of moment and no, thats not going to happen in reality.

Just FYI I think you're doing very well indeed, you've had a lot harder time of it than me in a lot of ways how you guys deal/dealt with in house sep is something im in awe of it would have killed me much as I was ripped apart by my sitch.

If I hear anything on allowable contact I'll shout.

[edz]

Well nearly quitting time for today, going to be scratch making chilli rice with roasted pork tonight which should be good, have some white wine in the fridge which I can actually have a glass of tonight (reintroduced coffee this morning which was heavenly and got rid of the caffeine withdrawal I've had as well!)

I will catch up with you all later, thanks for the concern today as always buds.

[edz]

Well dinner was good except I made waaaay too much rice and now feel as though I've eaten a hot air balloon nice and spicy though.

W called and she kindly booked tickets for s and I to go to a science exhibition on Saturday evening. We also spoke about her job and she has indeed now left after they couldn't or wouldn't help her with the issues she had with her health working there. She's got a good package so is ok for now. We also made provisional plans to go to IKEA as the three of us Sunday (this is a fuel thing she did jokingly say she didn't need to go around separately - I made it clear I dont need her to be "with" me so to speak - but she's not holding my hand) was a good call. W also sent me some pics of s enjoying himself at one of his events this week.

If I didn't know about "it" I'd be a happy bunny indeed. Dont get me wrong our "coparenting" mode is much better and I'm truly happy with r with s nowadays. I suppose I just know about the storm that's coming and its ruining the picnic if that makes sense.

Anyway dont want to sound like a sourpuss. Call was warm and I listened and validated her on the job etc we joked and I ended the call first.

[Sotto]

Edz, it's funny isn't it - if it weren't for "it," you would feel pretty happy about the interaction. I felt pretty much the same when H and I spoke weekend before last. It was an 'easy' conversation - lots of warmth, couple of laughs. But then this whole thing lies behind it where the WAS is planning things that we don't know. But we partly do know because well meaning 'others' tell us. But the WAS doesn't know we know etc..

Hard to take in really. Sometimes the whole situation just hits me around the head like a big wet fish. Mostly, I'm doing pretty well, but I just get stopped in my tracks. But in another way, I find it hard to imagine us together again....Oh well...

[edz]

Hi toots

I know exactly what you mean my friend. On the surface I have no reason to be down tonight but I am. Yes money is a big issue and its unlikely to change short term but the important things of short term r with w and my r with s are both on good terms.

The thing is I know about "it" I know w was purposeful and serious about "it" but I have no idea (god this is a tricky line to walk) if "it" is long term short term or even if she'll follow through. But I know "it" means no us.

I do wonder will she raise it with me but there are very good reasons she wouldn't and to be honest at this point from her perspective there's no reason to.

From one angle I just wish I didn't know. From another I won't get blindsided.

Sorry all I know the above is so much gibberish. Just helps to journal it at least as best I can.

[Ggrass]

It's ok, I get the whole discomfort with net profiles and dating.

So many of our was did this to us to find ow/om and the quality of these people often may not be what it seems.

I had some thoughts about my being asked about my weekend, I thought a reply could included Fabio standing me up! Lol

[edz]

Fabio again eh, now I'm detecting a theme in your posts you know!

W isn't posting up looking for om, not that either. Sorry I'm a confusing (and confused) soul right now.

[jim0987]

No worries edz, your struggling to process and deal with something thats clearly affected you and at the same time your being a good man and protecting your wifes privacy.

Its the kind of behaviour that is to be commended.

Trying not to cause you to give anything away that you dont want to i'm just going to ask a couple of yes / no questions to help me get a sense of how you feel about 'it'

Is it definitely true?
Is it definitely your wife?
Will she (or has she already) followed through?
Does it potentially cross a boundary for you on the possibility of M?
Has it already crossed that boundary?
Will it affect your ability to be in a non romantic friendship with your W?
Does it affect your relationship with your S?
Will it harm you financially in any way?

Or more simply - how do you feel about 'it'?

[edz]

Hi Jim

Yes
Yes
No*
Yes
No*
No
No
No (beyond d)

And depressed

* can't really yes no to these or it depends on aspects - sorry

[Ggrass]

Fabio again eh, now I'm detecting a theme in your posts you know!

W isn't posting up looking for om, not that either. Sorry I'm a confusing (and confused) soul right now.

Yeah, hot looking fantasy man who doesn't exist! even edzs is a cyber friend/date
For coffee. Well o drink plenty of coffee in my time here.

I get the whole not wanting to say, it's for the right reason too.

But jams questions are good ones, and they can be learnt and apllied in all drama that might occur not stich specific ones.

[jim0987]

Ok that makes more sense to me now. Depressed never feels good so i hope its short lived for you.

One more to ask then i think i'm done on the questioning. You said it potentially cross a boundary and I just want to get a sense of the nature of that boundary

Unforgiveable to you OR beyond what you are prepared to accept OR would mean you would no longer want to Reconcile OR confirms 100% that W is going down a different path with no prospect for return


Sorry if i'm asking too many questions - if its uncomfortable just say.

[edz]

Tricky one Jim. Im pretty acceptive but it just doesn't allow m to continue, can't really go beyond that.

[edz]

Hi gg,
Any time you want a cyber coffee I'm your man

[Vanilla]

Edz

Detatch dear friend. None of it matters in the longer term, and most of what our waywards do is : well it's wayward.

V would discuss this with her H. H what is going on? How will this affect X?

If V does not get a satisfactory reply then she would say H, I must now draw my own conclusions.

I am sad for you about this, Edz, if it is true then you have no control so let it be. Detatch.

V

[edz]

Thanks v

[jim0987]

You know my convent suggestion is sounding more and more plausible.

Thanks for answering the questions. I hope it wasnt too awkward

V is right detachment is key here for a bunch of reasons

given what you've said it may be that you need to give Mr Fixit your reconcilliation hope to play with for a while and put them both safely in that box (where you can easily find them if you need to).

If 'it' doesnt affect your relationship with your S and wont compromise your ability to be a friend then focusing on these positives and the improving warmth with your W have got to be good all round.

Whether you knew about 'it' or not i suspect your short term goals would be pretty similar and so work out what these could be and concentrate on those

I think its 25 that posts this but it seems apt 'Dont borrow problems from tomorrow, today has enough already'

[edz]

Thanks Jim yes short term not much changes. Long term well ultimately w will do what's best for her and s we'll just have to see.

[Ggrass]

Milks heating coffee getting there!

I think not borrowing trouble is good. It looks like a have a few guys warming up, not one ask yet either.

Will any suit, who knows but I'm feeling uncomfotable about being friends with all of them.
I'm spinning the whole will it be cheating to have dinners with each? Will it be bad to go out as a group like Sunday dinner having a few male friends. Who may or may not become new partner.

Would it be like a bunch of ea? Mmmmm something I think will never Happen, never has before!

Not sure even why I'm worried.

[edz]

Morning GG, yup coffee on the brew here too

Thanks, yes I cant do anything about it other than worry or overreact so for now its in the box..

As to multiple coffee / dinner dates - hmm - dating views vary between us / uk / aus and also of course age groups. Sure what the 20 somethings now do I'd baulk at (or chance would be...ahem, where was I?)

You know what you're comfortable with, do that (behave!)

EA? You talking to H or multiple dates?

If the latter not really unless you make a commitment to one of them and want to see more of that person (steady GG! you know what I meant)

Off to check on coffee

[Ggrass]

But you see what I mean about borrowing trouble.

Nothing's has happened yet, who knows all guys might be just friendly and will never do the whole, ask out for coffee.

I have jumped in a way to omg what's ok? Don't seem to know what I find ok, see what I mean.

[edz]

Oh yes, easy to do at the best of the times when someone's been through the kind of sitches we here have it starts to become an oh god what's coming up next scenario!

[edz]

Ah coffees ready...

[Ggrass]

First ones gone, animals done. Dark as pitch.

Cold too. Pretty sure the fast racing hound wants his jacket on. The others are too busy pan licking the bowls and playing musical bowls to care.

Mmm nearly 10. Got an hour to be tuck in.

Perhaps another coffee, have low blood pressure and they say caffeine helps elevate it.

[edz]

Yup eating more salt is also a dietry one and lowering alcohol consumption (boo). If you can raising the head of your bed by ~4 inches can help as well.

Coffee 2 now... missed caffeine when sick mon/tue/wed

[Ggrass]

4 inches, where looking shifty around....

Where?

I am having some pretty bad/ strange dreams atm let me tell you. I guess that will just add to them.

[edz]

Ha! I.should.have.known !!!

You devil.

I.e. raise the top (headboard) end of your bed!

[edz]

Sorry to hear about the bad dreams, strange is ok often interesting bad..never so

[Ggrass]

Well tha last was the tall cute dude, but he was 20 feet tall I was clinging to his large leg like a toddler but was full grown. Like being shaken off, clinging.

Yeah, I know full of Freud hints! It was nasty odd feeling waking up. I never dreamed of people I met or knew, well rarely. Now it's all the time. Which is odd.

My nightmares was always radars of the lost arc snake pit! Awful.

[edz]

da da daaa daaaaa da da daaaaaa...

no?
oh ok

dreaming of tall cute dudes eh (ahem)

Seriously doesnt suprise me ive had lots of dreams of people i know esp w in mixed up scenarios over the past months, e.g. im out with someone special to me (dont ask me it was a dream no idea gf/nw?) and in walked wife who said oh hello and i woke up feeling discombobulated completely.

I think it was either your thread or toots and i said the brain just spin drying out too many thoughts, worries, fears and wants and we end up with bizarre mixes.

A dream smoothie.

What gets me is how clear they are, never really remembered dreams before all this, now quite vivd sometimes.

[Ggrass]

Yeah, I get the whole vivid.

I jut can't seem to work out what's ok, funny huh?
H said I was tough, uncompromising and set.
Doesn't fit now, chucks crap in bin.

I think sorting thru what you want is the hardest.
I don't want to rule out new things or new people just because I'm judgemental or hasty.

Also negative comments that don't seem to fit anymore. Slowly learning not to knee jerk.
I think that's why I'm not bouncing back when things don't quite go to script.

My minds slowed down and turned to mush. They say a pscyh Injury does that, scrambles your brain.

[edz]

Nah no mush going on in your thoughts matey, everything you've said here is perfectly clear. You're right and I've had similar feelings on ok if w doesnt work out what's next?

I mentioned a friend of mine pushed up a dating profile for me, he sent me the links that came in (have told him please stop at the mo) but it was interesting looking at the limited access (havent paid for a subscription obviously) information on those who'd pinged/winked (whatever) at me. Do sometime think going for a platonic drink etc would be very nice indeed but not this way..yet for me.

For you the sitch is different and I totally get you wanting to grab a coffee (remember we're not talking you jetting off around the world here and I checked but Fabio still isnt around) and chat. I also get why thats a huuuuuge change from situation normal and the number of questions and doubts it must raise.

My advice, for what its worth, is go with the flow. When you see rhc/other guy what do you feel? Want to chat? Chat, or say hey I really want a coffee at lunch (etc) what you up to, if they're busy raincheck? Or similar anyway.

Our Gg is in control of herself, she's not taking anything from anyone now and is her own pilot. You decide the course my friend

[Ggrass]

All of the guys in a way I'm toying with, sticking a toe in the water.

I feel giggly girlie and ten years younger.

You know what?

It's really nice to feel like a human, one that could be attractive. I haven't heard any positive comments in so long, they startle me.

Rhc said I was lovely.

Later I cried, that nice comment, combined with h spew via a laywer.

I think the whole icing thing, makes good sense.

You do sound happier edz. Yes, we are all in control even when we don't feel like we are.

[edz]

I vary mate, last night was down in the dumps processing too much again, trying to follow my own / jims / Vs / your advice and put away what I cant control right now. My choice to live my life being mopey, sad and a lovestruck puppydog or to try to be and feel happy (and some would say sarcastic, cheeky maybe even dazzling - no, probably not) I'll try the latter for now and see how it works out at least until I cant then I'll regroup again

I know what you mean about feeling wanted though, I've not been paid any compliments recently but it would be nice (with w or someone else) to feel wanted again and not pushed to the periphery as part of the furniture who is just "there".

[Ggrass]

Part of my h spew was I treated him like crap.

I never called him names, like w$&@, but he did.
I never made threats that would leave him unsafe, I tell him tho he could chose to leave.

I did say we could end it usually after he called me nasty names. Or when h assulted s17.

Yes I did stay silent on things I should have spoke up on, but h didn't want to improve the r he wanted control.

That's why I sort of did a program of doing things I knew h would hate.
Hair, make up sparking up my humor. Openly greeting men,being friends with shock horror men!

It also an action I have moved on, I would never have done most in r.
Now any man will have to put up or not part take. It's me, not neg.

Not neg however is still unfinished protect.
Well sat at work will be fun. Need to zzz or there will be no party gg at work!

[gan]

Well Edz, I will say that I find your use of humour very charming. I suspect a few of us rally around your thread because we enjoy your cheekiness. It lightens our spirits. It's fun to be around. And I've even been inspired to try out a little humour myself. The other day I noticed that I made people laugh twice in a meeting - all because of you, so...

Consider yourself complimented!

[edz]

Gg - I wont comment too much on your H's behaviour, I think you know how I feel about that kind of - no other words - spousal abuse, no one should ever belittle or have their partner feel threatened, ever, no excuses. Even if its misinterprited (and from what you've said I dont think theres any misunderstandings there it wasnt) its supposed to be a loving relationship and I have no idea what goes through peoples minds who behave that way man or woman (and yes I know men whove been on the receiving end as well).

Very different from control alone, thats sometimes a security / overcaring situation. Neither are good but at least the latter can be understood even if its not be encouraged.

We are all unfinished projects, otherwise we stagnate something I figured out about myself as I'd done exactly that for 5 years.

You will do great Gg, anyone who doesnt want to spend time with you? Thats their loss.

Anyway get some Zzzzzz catch you tomorrow.

[edz]

Well Edz, I will say that I find your use of humour very charming. I suspect a few of us rally around your thread because we enjoy your cheekiness. It lightens our spirits. It's fun to be around. And I've even been inspired to try out a little humour myself. The other day I noticed that I made people laugh twice in a meeting - all because of you, so...

Consider yourself complimented!

Aw thanks G, glad I can help.

[edz]

Well work day ran long today thanks to the wonderful offsite tech engineers but seems resolved now. Off to sort some dinner and feed a particularly squeaky BFT.

Catch you all later.

[edz]

Evening all

W texted me about tomorrow. Asked could I pick s up before 10 texted back saying no worries up to anything good she replied to say off with some other mums from the home education group just said cool, sounds good have a nice time and stopped.

Is she doing that? Honestly dont know but have no reason to dispute it and if not well more time with s and nothing I can change insofar as w so let it go for tonight and relax for a bit.

[Sotto]

Absolutely Edz.....end of a long week. Have you poured yourself a little glass of wine? Nice that you get to have a good chunk of time with your S anyway. Was tomorrow going to be Ikea day?

I'm off to see my BF and her son (7) tomorrow. He's super company, and we're going to take him out for lunch somewhere.

Have a good evening!

[edz]

Thanks toots tomorrow special science event in the evening (astronomy) need to get there early Sunday is w s and I IKEA day

Have a good one tomorrow!

Oh yes here under new throw comfy robe TV and had two glasses of Pedro jiminez

[edz]

Ok then Friday night.

Remember that dating profile?

Remember I asked my mate to take it down?

He sent me the credentials to log in so I can.

He did well in the info he put in, no PIC thankfully logged in this evening, 7 days or so up. 237 views 45 messages can't tell you what they say as I didn't pay, ladies profile pics looked nice though can't say much more. Feel bad since can't reply and I hope they didn't go to a lot of effort and feel ignored!

Gave me some hope for the future if I need to go there anyway with a PIC probably more like 10 and 0 though lol.

Good mood tonight.

Realised I dont have a printer for this ticket email for tomorrow so going to w tomorrow earlier and setting it up to print them off. W also had asked a while back did I have extra cable for her stereo found it today and texted her to say let me know and I'll cut it to size (its on a reel) she got the text late so only just replied. Went back saying ah tis you again no worries she sent back well u started it

Who knows what tomorrow will bring tonight has been fun

[edz]

Oh forgot to say, its down now.

[LoveMyW]

I wouldn't worry about the dating profile edz.. It's great for an ego boost when you get messages/matches, but it is a bit of a downer when you realise most of them are bots/fakes..

Do it again when you are ready..

[edz]

Oh I know that lmw, met my w this way 16 years ago

Made me smile though.

[Vanilla]

Edz

A guy with your brilliant sense of humour and a BFT won't need a web site!

V

[edz]

Hi 1k vanilla

Catching up on you though only 26 more posts so I'm obviously a very chatty edz.

Very kind words just never did seem to meet up with people no matter how crowded or where I went so met w via the web. If it comes to dating again its helpful. I'd love to have that cupids arrow style story to tell but no, previous rs had been from people at work or college etc and never went anywhere really.

If w and I dont r who knows? Not impossible I suppose maybe I'm just too imposing with my 6'4 frame (I'm no weed either my shoulders can fill a doorway and my head bang into it there's a permanent bump you know) until I start talking or maybe it's *because* I start talking

Anyway getting ready before heading round to w to sort printer and print tickets then get s. Back here for breakfast then off a little later for the astronomy.

Hope your day is as productive as you need it to be v we know you can do it.

Catch you all later.

[gan]

Have a great day, Edz!

[Sotto]

Edz, enjoy your day with S....it's a bit wet and cold here, but I'm looking forward to lunch out...

Glad to hear your dating profile was suspended......nice to have well-meaning friends though. But, best to remember, you may not want to get straight into the same cycle again - date online, meet W marry, S, date online etc...

It would be good to see a break between the second 'date online' for Edz to GAL and enjoy his own life - become the 'fully baked cake' before seeking some icing to go on top as a bonus...Hmm - what's going to be your new GAL activity for Feb? I put down the gauntlet, but it hasn't been picked up yet. And Edz knows that he needs to get out a little more and GAL....gym?

[jim0987]

Hi edz, echoing good wishes for your day. Is the astronomy thing outside?

Probably best your dating profile is suspended, the net will be there when you feel you want it.

Your 6'4 will go down well, my W complained a number of tines that I wasn't tall enough (5'11)

[Sotto]

5' 11 is a splendid height Jim! And Edz, you sound like a fine figure of a man too - 6' 4 with broad shoulders...wow!

[Ggrass]

Elbows toots out the way, edzs is my coffee date!

Lol hey toots we could start a cat fight, then edzs will feel wanted and famous.

[edz]

Hi all flying visit while s gets changed. Yes Jim outside this evening parking up there is a nightmare so we're heading up early and making a day of it.

Yup nice to have people who care to try to help, not the time yet though....today at least. Feel a lot more rounded as myself these days though so who knows what happens next we'll see. It all finally is coming into focus as far as the end of my dependency that both w and I have a say in next steps, she has a "thing" to decide if she needs to pursue as well if so I think it will be time for a happier edz to consider his options but I'll do it with a sense of adventure for the future hopefully instead of moping through the days waiting for things to just happen to me

For now I have you guys and apparently a fight for my coffee date duties which is flattering Gg's my no 1 cyber coffee gal but we can let Jim and toots come along as long as they promise not to eat all the biccies, that ok with you Gg?

Oh and its a roux but I'm not the pedantic sort

Have a good one guys, I'll catch up with you all later about 10 or so my time have a good day and take it easy.

Edz

[Old Dog]

What's wrong with 1.78m?

[Ggrass]

Well I thought men measured in inches! Lol

Edzs you know my secret now, I can't spell and often iPad cannot remotely guess either! Lol vege was good, I couldn't help it and had a bowl full.

Made with light milk and light cheese, so not so bad as a vego dinner. Hopefully I can get 6 or so serves. Then another bunch with chicken.

Sounds like your busy. Stop hogging the biscuits jim, whines he's eating all the good ones! daddy he's being mean.

[Sotto]

Edz, the cyber ladies are fighting over you now! Jim, looks like you and I might be tag-along mates on this....don't know about you, but I'm gonna steal some of those biscuits.

Off to lunch now all! X

[Dawn70]

Just popping in to say hi and catch up on your posts since I have been out of town. I enjoyed my birthday blueberry cheesecake on your behalf last night.

Have a blessed day and have a great weekend!

[edz]

Now I have a few minutes to post while we sit in the car waiting for the science center to open for the event. We visited the planetarium today and science exhibits so could run through how they worked with s. well I enjoyed it!

now now you lot (wwhips out family circle and bags of oreos and custard creams) lots for all.

I have spelling issues so I wouldn't worry especially on mobiles with smaller screens like now when I'm on my aardvark central telephony de ice bit like the hulk in that respect these screens are sooooo small

right will catch up later.

be good

[edz]

part 11 created as part 10 is on 96 posts...see you there for today's updates