Part 10 - Contents may prove volatile

[jim0987]

Hi edz, sorry your having a bit of a difficult time at the moment.

I've been trying to think if there's a way I can help you talk through the thing without having to go into detail or making it too obvious....

Remember she may be confused about a lot of things so even if things are what you think they may not be what you think. (Yes that does make sense honestly)

Using an example, let's say a friend if your wife sees the profile your well meaning mate set up - now she may tell W about it who then assumes it's yours and confirms it by looking herself. Because she doesn't speak to you about it she doesn't know that you had nothing to do with it.

So with the thing is there an equivalent narrative?

I like your interactions with your wife, I think they are good (especially compared to mine) so I'd keep doing what your doing and try and put the thing to one side (a bit like I have to with regard to OM)

[edz]

One thing re-reading that back (cant edit now) I do still love her, but its softened, the harshness and hurt has gone its now more a longing for moments together or for a long gone relative, if - as Jim asked - we did just drop it and call it a day apart from co parenting I do believe I could heal and move on - I'd even be happy with platonic female company now. There's obviously more, I miss the (now long ago before bd) intimacy and how good we were together at those times, the closeness and warmth but that, that I can deal with.

W closes down and pushes toward co parenting and I'm detatched and happy and start to move toward dropping it all and moving on to just being a co-parent to s, then she comes back with hints of who she was many years ago small things that we always said or did or coffees or her sad face if she wants s and i to wait while she gets something from a shop and I'm hooked on again. Some of it, I know, isnt me it's her need to be with s. Then theres the "thing" which (I wont go into but) shouts out MLC..

The really daft thing is 99.9% of the time (when Im not sick) I'm happy upbeat and would indeed say ok lets look at these dating results then something, imperceptable, happens with w and Im back to wondering can Humpty be put back together?

Opens famous box he's waffled at everyone about, puts in the various questions, puzzles and big hairy screaming rampaging "thing" and closes the lid.....

Time to take time....

[Sotto]

Hi Edz, wise advice from Jim as usual, and that may well be the best policy for right now. Try and 'park' the thing in your mind as much as you can. Much like I have done with the fact that my H feels our R is over, but hasn't told me, but has told friends.

To my mind, until or unless he and I have contact to confirm 'it's over,' 'it isn't over.' KWIM? But I agree, it's always pretty raw when we receive this unwelcome information that seemingly takes our sitch further from reconciliation. And so often in these sitches, our WAS isn't honest and open with us and we receive it third hand - double hurt. However we do have to remember that the fat lady hasn't sung yet.

I think you've done well not to let it impact greatly on your interactions with your W, and you may just want to carry on that track for now. If I'm in doubt with H, I do nothing for a bit, withdraw a bit, and process until I feel on more solid ground.

I've been working this morning, but have a headache. Notice I had one last week after yoga too. I'm not sure if everything is loosening up, or if I'm all tense in class and trying too hard. Not how yoga's supposed to work really is it?

[rd500]

Edz, you seem to be in control of your thoughts and you seem to be very much in control of "the thing". If it is a deal braker for you then I'm sorry as it's hard to reach that point because no matter what you still love her. I think 99.9% of people coe to this site because we want to save the M and are prepared to accept alot of sh1t from their WAS to reslove the M. My own sitch has got to your point but I still find myself looking for hope and its only this week that I have found that I am not looking forward to seeing W or talking to her. I suppose with time, you start to realise that there is no quick fix to anyones Sitch and life does go on.

I hope that "the thing" is not what it seems and even if it is, take it out of the box, etc.

Take care, RD

[edz]

Hi Guys, thanks, sorry you have a headache Toots.

Sorry to say (check ground for stability as its treacherous here) the "thing" is not a misunderstanding, I can't read her seriousness (entering quicksand) but it's very clear she intended to do "it" (think Im clearing the minefield).

Jim you're right apart from this and my concern for how shes looking troubled when I see her, all is far better than it was. If there was no worry about putting humpty together again I would be moving on and probably just worrying about settlements and money (ahh ok then)

Jim mate or toots if either of you figure out a way to talk tell me, I'll tell you the whole thing, had 15 minutes with a counsellor last night whose response was basically wow, didnt see that coming which gives you an idea how I feel about it. Not much of use came out of the call sadly.

[edz]

Thanks rd500,

the thing is what it seems sadly its just how serious the thing is thats the issue (nb the thing is not another person or affair just to clarify that, I can say that much)

[edz]

Just as an FYI guys I hit the notify button on my own post and wrote a query to the mods on how / if contact outside the forum is possible. I'll let you know if I hear anything thanks guys and mods.

[jim0987]

Let me know if you come up with anything.

Not trying to speculate on the thing, so I'll use a me based narrative

My wife has moved out into a house she has bought, she barely speaks to me, she is in love with another man (though that relationship is not going well last I knew), she has surrounded herself with poison and describes me as 'controlling abusive and mean'. Her actions have humiliated me and saddled us with a combined extra £200,000 of debt. She is yet to take a shred of responsibility for our marriage failing and equally has yet to openly say anything that passes for sadness over what has happened.

And yet strangely none of that is a deal breaker for me, yet 6 months ago if you'd asked all of it would have been.

But also none of that matters because the deal breaker in truth is she doesn't want a relationship with me (coparent only because she has to and I make a good babysitter).

Like you I fear being sat alone pining after someone who has entirely moved on, which let's be honest in my situation she most definitely has. (Yours feels different to many of the situations round here and I think thats a credit to you)

BUT

I couldn't date yet (thought about it a lot) as I wouldn't be being fair to whoever I dated. I need to heal, grow and live my life in the best way I can. Keeping a door open and a candle lit for the hope of reconciliation doesn't actually change what I need to do for myself. And so I need to keep on trying improve mk8/9/whatever and then at some point IF the chance arises I need to decide if there has been too much for me to take.

What I'm trying to say is your doing good, just keep swimming

[edz]

Thanks Jim, as ive said i wouldnt hurt someone else by jumping in too early - unless it was a romcom "omg this is the real soul mate how did this happen" kind of moment and no, thats not going to happen in reality.

Just FYI I think you're doing very well indeed, you've had a lot harder time of it than me in a lot of ways how you guys deal/dealt with in house sep is something im in awe of it would have killed me much as I was ripped apart by my sitch.

If I hear anything on allowable contact I'll shout.

[edz]

Well nearly quitting time for today, going to be scratch making chilli rice with roasted pork tonight which should be good, have some white wine in the fridge which I can actually have a glass of tonight (reintroduced coffee this morning which was heavenly and got rid of the caffeine withdrawal I've had as well!)

I will catch up with you all later, thanks for the concern today as always buds.