Part 10 - Contents may prove volatile

[edz]

Hi all

part 9 was about to lock so part 10, double digits...well, yay?

So status.... Recap .... Oh see above my hearts not in it to recap it all tonight.

Been I'll for 2 1/2 days but ventured out this evening to get groceries. Splurged on a new cozy throw for the sofa which I'm under now (the throw....not the sofa). Still fighting a headache but showered, eaten tonight, changed the bed base sheet again as I'd spent another 24 hours in there and I have a thing about having fresh bedding.

Nothing from w since Sunday so glad I wasn't dying in bed or bft would have eaten me by now.

Couple of friends pinged me asking was I thinking about getting on match or zoosk or similar... Honestly I don't know. Huge chunk of me wants to think about it if for no other reason that loneliness is biting right now, up to Sunday evening I'd have said I'll stand though but as I mentioned in the last thread I found out something I've since confirmed that tends to say chances of reconciling are currently slim to none, trouble is without really compromising w's privacy can't really go into it which is painful as I'd love to talk to someone about it but can't.

So yes, back to work tomorrow wfh as no one wants my lurgy. W is supposedly seeing her friend from college this weekend but hasn't yet confirmed with me what's happening or what days. Other than that its a cold dark Wednesday feeling better but still fairly ugh snuggling in my fuzzy throw. No alcohol while I'm poorly though.

Did try to ramp up the detatchment slightly last couple of days as I have a feeling I need to. Changed photos in the house around remaining wedding pic and pics of s, w and I are still about but not as apparent and selecting pics of s to get printed up instead. Can always change them back later.

Toots,v,ganb8te,jim thanks for all the checking on me. Jim asked me some good questions on what's the downside if w and I are done bar coparenting, well that's pretty much the current sitch bar me deciding to give up on the m and stick a toe in the dating pool in some ways it'd be a lot less painful.

I'm trying to avoid mind reading and snooping but I really hope if w is doing what I now suspect w is doing she chooses to talk to me, let's say she has issues to work on but those may exclude me romantically depending on what she decides.

So I'm hoping the thread by the end sees a slightly happier position we shall see

[Sotto]

Evening Edz. Glad to hear you are on the sofa and not under it. However, it is Tuesday evening and not Wednesday - just thought I should mention...Was that wishful thinking on your part?

Sounds like you are a little more in the land of the living, which is good. Making it out to buy groceries sounds like progress. And washed your sheet too....impressive!

You sound low about things with your W though, and I am sorry. Again, I would say, give yourself some time. Don't rush off and think about dating right now. You're feeling raw about this new information, and you probably just need some time to process things and move forwards.

It doesn't sound as though your are ready to jump into the dating arena just yet. Maybe wait until (if/when) you get to the point that you can enjoy it more - there's no rush. Plenty more sheets to be laundered before then....

Hope you feel fully recovered soon :-)

[edz]

Thanks toots temporarily and temporally discombobulated it appears.

Yes if I look at anything dating related it will be as a passive observer for now. I'm lonely, very lonely but I'm not about to start a relationship thats doomed to codependency from day 0!

[jim0987]

Hi edz. Hope BFT is happy with the new throw.

I fully understand your wish to respect your wife's privacy. There's a lot I've posted since BD I probably shouldn't have done. Its another sign of your character.

Remember not to lump to many things together as one decision, or make things seem more like a decision when they aren't. A decision to dip into the dating pool is not the immediate consequence if giving up on the marriage, just as deciding that focusing on building the best possible coparenting relationship is not the same as giving up on the marriage.

Whatever it is has obviously shaken you a bit especially given the way your W has been recently so I would say toots is right and you should give yourself some time.

But to my mind whatever you decide I think you should keep doing what you were doing because it read like it was working for you.

[gan]

^^^ great post, Jim. I agree.

Hey Edz - I bet you and Jim could figure out a way to connect. Maybe both post on another forum where you can exchange contact info. A purposefully created Skype name perhaps? Sounds like you would like to talk this through with someone but it's totally understandable (and respectable) that you don't want to do it here.

[edz]

Thanks Jim

For now not changing anything in the way I'm dealing with s or w.believe me the times I've typed a version of what's going on and then hit back back back etc

I can say one thing, one way, thats that I do think w is looking to casually date I can't go into the rest. Thats part of what shook me up but I expected something like that would come up as she works out what she thinks she wants its been 6 months and she walked away so won't have the apprehension I do.

[edz]

Hi gan

I'll think about it...I.e..commit the grey matter.

Incidently there's no one here I wouldn't talk openly to. Unfortunately the way the site is configured each and every post is in the open google cache without logging in

[edz]

Well its now the real Wednesday ( Toots) i preferred the fake one as its belting it down out there and dark.

Had a really good deep sleep last night and woke up before the alarm this morning. Had some time to just lay there until the BFT let it be known it was time to feed everyone's favourite brown cat, i.e. her.

Working from home (no one wants my bug although I'll share I'm generous that way) so no need for a commute so leisurely shower this morning and time to make the bed etc.

Attended this mornings conference calls and running through the 800 or so emails that built up since Friday night. Taking a quick coffee break now and updating here before fixing everything thats broken or been shovelled my way since last week.

Still nothing from w, definitely on radio silence again - although committing the cardinal sin of mind reading I'm not suprised given what I think she's chewing over (sorry for being vague) if it goes the way I think it is thats not something I'd know how to face me over either. As always I'll validate and be warm if she contacts me although having said I will need to send her a text if she doesnt come back to me before tomorrow just to check what days S is coming over this weekend (i.e. is she seeing her friend and going there or is her friend coming over - I wont be suprised if she cancels and its a one night stay from s this week, I wont kick off over this after last week obviously).

Slightly concerned as w has now quit her job (or was about to when we last spoke) with nothing to go to, no idea what monies she has saved as I stay out of her business unless she still dips into the joint account (this wont be an issue shortly - waiting on bank approval on an OD then a new account will be in my name only and my name removed from the joint account). I've noticed she's also becoming more introverted except to move S around to various events.

Honestly its now (more or less) detatched concern as I would feel for a relative who's hurting and seems to be going off at a tangent I want to help (mr fixit trying an escape attempt) but cant let myself (but the guards caught him with a spoon).

V, Ive long noted in your signature "wanting an end to all the drama" I think thats my overriding feeling at the moment. It's no longer me pining for w (done with that since dec) even the aching for her to want to reconcile is dwindling its just a mourning for all the moments we had and wont have again now. Even found myself considering could we be friends to at least have those platonically in the future but I think that would just be way too painful especially if she chose to discuss romantic entanglements, I think I can move on but I cant be that level of friend to her without hurting myself.

As I said right now we're effectively coparenting with odd windows of w being chatty and almost grabbing on (not physically to me) I wonder (trying not to mindread) if its her fear of going on from the M (I really wish I could explain more on that) and leaving behind our 15 years together.

I know when I saw w on sunday she looked tired, haunted and ponderous. I understand her work situation playing on her mind but the past 15 years of understanding her BL tell me there's more, I know better than to dwell on it in front of her or start poking though. I focussed on S not just for BD but for him and I and our relationship. If the M is done then thats sad but I wont lose him now and he may need me more than ever if things go down as I think they may do.

Got pinged again by friends regarding dating sites, one of whom said he signed up a headerless account for me (i.e. no picture of me or details) and sent over some pings - its nice they're concerned, its nice they are trying "intervention" but asked if they could not just now, not pining after w as I said but it could all be misinterprited and I need to be emotionally available (god knows Im physically available) and fully healed as any new relationship has to start with no codependency and me not looking for a w "replacement" but someone new, fun and who will be open to love both from me and to me, something lacking in my life for quite a few years. I'm simply not interested in casual "hook ups" or one night stands, not that guy and never was, maybe thats my problem all along?

Anyway, enough maudling (Im really not as down in the dumps as this sounds, just whats been bouncing around in my head) finally got around to the final episodes of Agents of Shield last night (I'd put off watching anything w and i watched together, silly I know but a few months ago any ghosts of her hurt me, now time to watch what I enjoy although the music library will take much, much longer - way too full of memories) and will start getting back to GAL in the next few days as I feel better.

Guitar course was full which bummed me out, so still looking for something even if its slightly outside my comfort zone. At this rate anything that has spaces and not cancelled so if I end up with advanced lampost polishing (and no Gg thats not a euphemism) you'll know why!

Anyway on with work for a bit.

[Ggrass]

I howled at that, but it was an cough understanding what a spit polish was! In my m!

Yes it was norty. Um ma! Now I'm gunna dream rude dreams.

Oh well if my life was half as Interesting as the gossipis say, I'm jumping edzs as well. Lol

[edz]

Now chance would be a fine thing..