Wife having emotional affair 5

[3kids]

Ok, I think there is something behind dreams, sometimes. Sometimes it's the ice cream you eat before you go to bed. But last night I had some dreams about the wife's death. I had nothing to do with any of them. All accidental. At one point my youngest walked into my room and touched my foot. And I yelled "what the crap". Woke up all the kids. He of course just said dad can I sleep with you.

I wonder what they mean? I really don't hope to be a single parent. I just wonder.

Had a great Sunday. Had a planned day with them on the wife's day. Went to Twins Fest for the first time and we had a blast. I tell you what. What ever I got going on with me right now is awesome. My kids can't stop laughing and are always looking for what our next adventure is going to be. Happy to be me today!

3kids

[Georgia Bulldogs]

O Had a planned day with them on the wife's day.

Now that the divorce petition has been dismissed is there still such a thing as "wife's day"???

You are married again without any court orders directing your relationship with her or your children. Doesn't this now mean that you [both] have 100% custody???

If the kids want to stay with you more...let them. Unless she refiles and gets orders you and the kids can do whatever you want.

You also don't have to pay child support anymore???? Do you???.

I remember your story from the "other forum". Until Chris is out of the picture, you can't do one single thing to work on your marriage. It's been over a year now and the divorce petition has lapsed....you should be completely dark on her until "no contact" is established.

You remain her back up plan, but your give a crap has just about left the building. You've also dated other women and cheated on her so you've made a disaster of this reconciliation process. She WANTS to get back together and eliminating all contact (a complete 180) sounds like the best course of action. What you've been doing hasn't worked.

[3kids]

Georgia Bulldogs, thanks for following and stopping in. I value everyone's opinion. It gives me different view points. Which is always a good thing.

Well to start off yes the petition is being dismissed but haven't received a letter from the court yet. As far the "wife's day" I happen to think it's good that we have a set schedule for the kids. It gives them stability. Plus both of us are flexible when one of us makes plans on the other parents days. Which is a great thing.

I was never under any court order with her. So yes we have both a 100% custody. But we live in two separate houses, so letting the kids choose who they want to spend all there time with would be complete anarchy. Plus I would never get any personal GAL time then. Because I know me and I would want to spend every second with them. And that's not good either. The kids need to love both of us and see both of us. I think you need to keep there life as normal as possible.

As far as the child support goes. I have thought about that since I got the call from my lawyer. There are a couple of different reasons why I have decided to continue to pay. For one it's an honorable thing to do. She is a full time student and mother and works when she can get hours. If I didn't give that money would my kids have less of a life, yes! That doesn't set well with me. When she is done with school she will make the same as me if not more. So paying for another 10 months is not going to kill me.

So, you came from the "other forum". If you where on there then you can understand a LOT has changed. We no longer fight with each other. We handle the kids business to the best of our ability. The divorce petition has stopped. We are friendly towards each other. I have my own place which is a secure and stable place for me and my kids. I think those are HUGE changes, personally. And there is a ton more.

Yes, she is still involved with OM. But I can't change that. I can only change myself. So no I am not working on my marriage. Right now there is no marriage to work on. There is a relationship to work on. And that right now is being the best co parents we can be to our kids. You can't force someone to be with you. They have to choose that. So going dark I don't think would do me any good. For one we have kids. So going dark is impossible. Second, we are friendly towards each other. Third, I am never the one to call about or discuss anything other then the kids or business. I can't force her and OM to stop contact by doing anything. If she did, down the road she would probably find second OM or not fully try to work on our marriage(if we found each other again).

Maybe I'm missing the whole DB process. I thought it was mainly working on yourself and the changes you saw that needed to be fixed. Finding you again and moving forward in life. If your partner chooses to join you then great. If not, there loss and someone else's gain. But correct me if I'm wrong, please.

Thank you for bringing up the past. I had forgot about those mistakes I made. Not really. But I choose not to live in them. Yes I cheated on my wife, long before we where even married. And yes I did go on some dates with women before I started the DB process. I was feeling insecure about myself. That's not a crime. It's just a flaw. That I'm trying to fix. No ones perfect.

I guess it's all about how you look at this. Is it a positive or a negative. I really try to look at it as a positive. Seven months ago when I was on the "other forum" I was headed straight for a divorce. Now that process has stopped. Five months ago the wife was headed straight for moving in with OM. Now she is not. One year ago we fought almost every day. Now we don't. One year ago I didn't know who I was anymore. NOW IM FINDING MYSELF AGAIN. Those are some positive things right there.

So thank you Georgia Bulldogs for making me look at all the positive that have come from this forum and my work.

Thank you so much,
3kids

Ps: I'm nobodies back up plan. It's my choice to work on my marriage or not. If the opportunity should show it self.

[3kids]

I wanted to elibarate on GB's going dark.

As far as me going dark. Back in December I went totall dark. Where I didn't answer anything or talk to her. Except at kid exchange. And that was more personal then anything. I needed more detachment. And I achieved that. I think I'm proabably as dark as I can be. I don't call her for anything. Not really kid stuff either. I don't keep her in the loop as far as their affairs go, school or sports. I don't answer all phone calls or texts. Unless they pertain to kids or house questions. When she does call and she switches the convo to her feelings. I validate some but not all. Like this weekend when she said that she wished she could have went with us to the Twins Fest. Nothing came out of my mouth. I just changed the subject. When she discusses her resent concusion. I did validate alittle. And I got great responses. But that is it. Other wise it's PMA and straight business. I don't hang around to talk to her at games or drop offs. If she shows up she comes and sits by me. I never to her. I guess the point I'm trying to make is. If your as far along as me you can't use going dark to make them think about your sich. It's more about detachment. If your detached enough where you don't have any expectations. Why not have a corgal convo with them, if it's about the kids or business. Nothing about personal life though.

As far as my back up comment. I am sorry, it sounded kind of rude. I just think that all of us LBS spouses are kind of a back up plan to some extent. We are the ones trying to hang on to their marraige. Even though our partners are having affairs. Where I bet most people would not fight for it and move on. We hold onto some hope that our spouse will come to their senses and drop OM/OW and fight for our marriages. But you are right on me. My hope has deminished a lot and more reality has set in. It would take an aweful lot for me to take back my wife. But as of now the option is still there. Mainly because I just can't see myself ever telling my kids that I was the one who wanted the divorce, yet.

Thanks
3kids

[PatientMan]

You started here about a year ago. When you have some time, go back and read through your threads in chronological order. Think about what was going on for you when those posts were happening, and how you handled it. Think about the changes you wanted to make then, and then think about where you are now. Have you successfully made those changes? Are you on your way? Have you not started? Why or why not?

Now is a good time to do some self analysis, a little self inventory of your journey to make sure you're on track. Knowing where you were, where you are, and where you're going is instrumental in becoming the man you want to be. As the saying goes, "Failing to plan is planning to fail."

-PM

[Georgia Bulldogs]

First off,

I never posted to you or anybody on that other forum. That place is a free for all but you got some good advice mixed with some awful advice and it was on you to discern the difference. That's the advantage of more strongly moderated forums that have an actual program in that you won't get such extremely terrible advice from women haters on one side and complete wayward posters on the other. You were completely unprotected on that forum.

That being said, we can't go backward and fix things either.

I'm sorry you took offense to my "back up" statement. It's been a week since I posted it so I'm not even going back to read it. Suffice it to say that I was a "back up" so to speak myself as the OM dumped my wife, leaving my wife "stuck" with me. Didn't bother me one bit. She was MY wife and I fought for her. Once the affair was over I figured or hoped I could be a part of rebuilding our marriage and she'd either love me again or not. But I didn't sit around waiting for the affair to end. I attacked it.

That isn't the program here on DB. It's a little more laissez faire and I respect that. It's MWD's plan and I think it's a little late in your fight to all the sudden change back into attack mode. Wouldn't be effective either as your wife has detached from you as well.

The point being, my yardstick for progress (as far as reconciliation is concerned) is whether the affair continues or not. Almost all affairs end within 2 years. Most men can't and don't stick around that long and it's brutal psychologically and physically on those that do. I'm glad to see you in an emotionally better place than you were last year. Detaching is part of the healthy process of letting go...in the event they don't come back too. However, the only progress towards reconciliation I see here is you are closer to the 2 year mark when almost all affairs end. The affair is still on which means your wife is still miles from having romantic feelings for you again. Which [censored]. Which leaves you in limbo. Which even if and when they break up and you get back together leaves you feeling like a back up plan (in comparison to guys that more aggressively fight for their marriages and say, for example only, scare OM into dumping their wives and moving on to easier less complicated single women).

Waiting is fine. Marriage is a valuable societal construct and I support your gallant efforts to save your marriage and family. Some OM"s are harder to shack off than others so no matter what you tried early on (fighting or taking a 2 year trip to Alaska to be a crabber) you could have ended up exactly where you are today simply awaiting the end of the affair. I got lucky more than a decade ago....who knows if you may have been or not and that's a regret you may or may not have to live with one day when inevitably, your wife tells you about times you maybe could have put a stop to this (which may or may not actually be true...just her perception).

Hope is a powerful thing. I like that you still have hope. As long as one spouse is fighting for a marriage, hope remains for that family and your feistiness towards me shows a renewed strength.

Have you ever tried to....I don't know, "court" your wife away from OM? Maybe she is boring of him and the "spark" is leaving their relationship enough that she could be vulnerable to your attention. You are still her husband (and her God given Soulmate) and their isn't even a divorce petition occurring. Like most romantic relationships perhaps she'd be initially most vulnerable to a close non-sexual friendship with you. OM could then become the jealous and controlling one as she fights more and more to spend time with you. It's a pretty sly way to undermine the affair (remembering that there is NO PROGRESS and you are to have NO EXPECTATIONS until the affair is absolutely over).

Maybe that could be your new 180 plan, but I understand if you feel it's too much trying and not enough detaching and waiting. Your call. This is your life and marriage and you are way beyond crisis mode and capable of making your own choices. I just think it's healthier to be a bit more proactive. Men have been fighting for women since the beginning of time. It's the natural order of things and, accordingly, may make any actual recovery easier as you'll have a feeling of prevailing over the OM versus getting OM's left overs. Women respond to it as well, especially wayward women who think they are teenagers again.

Much Love ~ these aren't easy choices but you are a man and free to decide what's best for you in your situation.

[3kids]

First off PM, you are a master mind. If this was in any way to look at my detachment so far. I have read through the first two. I took notes and really looked at it. Wow what was I doing. My goals to that point have been met. But It did take a tole on me to reread it. For the next two days I could not get the wife off of my brain. Unless I was just totally emerged into something. But I did come out on the other side again.

Plus it didn't help that I was dealing with some stuff with her and the kids. She didn't come to the oldest basketball game. Don't know if she had to work really like she sent him in a text or it's because of OM. But the oldest was really upset about it. Then the daughter informs me that she has been giving the youngest his bath. A 9 year old giving her little 5 year old brother a bath. Because her mom is to busy with OM. Gerrrrrr!!!!!! That one still upsets me. But I have to let go of that anger. Just like the anger I have of her not caring for the kids anymore. Doesn't brush teeth for the youngest. No cloths are ever washed. Oh well not my house. Sigh.

For those reasons alone brought me out of my thinking about her. This is defiantly not a person I respect or want to be with right now. Not the caring women I knew.

PM I did want you to know I plan on reading the past. Thank you for that direction. It's good for me.

GB, thank you for explaining. You are right. I gave it a thought about fighting for her. Although my detachment is not where I want it to be yet. Maybe some flirting every now and then in the future. First I have to remember how to flirt. Ha ha I did find it funny. Because at this moment I think OM is a little jealous of something. He gave me that stare when I dropped off my oldest. And just the other day. I was walking out to my car from work. And guess who I seen. Yep OM. He was in a parking lot of a grocery store. It is a large parking lot. And where did he park, close to my store and way away from the other store. Now that's not that odd but as I got into my car he got out of his. He turned and took a real long look at my store. I almost thought he was going to start to walk to it. But he turned back to the grocery store and took a couple of more looks as he walked. I don't know what that was about but I found it funny that day. I am on his mind. I think.

So if my wife started to come out of the fog maybe I could court her. But this lying, deceitful, unnurtring women is not someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. But I do look forward to that challenge if it should present it self. I am a very competitive person.

Thanks
3kids

[Zelda09]

3kids - the mess you describe/ departure from 'herself' - depression? OM has to put up with that too, right now? Probably some criticism and frustration at this juncture. The competitive romantic in me says now is a good time to court. If she is not herself and violating her own values, life can't feel good. Show her a bit of concern, acceptance without yanking your own chain maybe?

[3kids]

Zelda, I love your name! Reminds me of when I was a kid. I was addicted to that game. The kids are a neusanse to her right now. It's kind of funny. Because she had the youngest two on Friday when I had the oldest birthday party. She and OM took them to dave and busters. The said mom was very crabby and didn't want them to play any games. Why even take them to a place like that then. Me and the kids where suppose to go to a fishing contest last Saturday. But it got canceled to this weekend. At teacher conferences on Thursday she said she was sad that they didn't get to go to it now. I didn't offer. And suggested she take them. She wants me to take them so I use up my free time with them and not galing. And in her eyes meeting some one new.

So what I'm saying is maybe I'll think about courting a little harder. Your name is still awesome. Puts a big smile on my face.

Thanks
3kids

[Georgia Bulldogs]

He probably wasn't looking for you....he was looking for your wife and trying to see if she was with you.

OM's are much more cognizant of the deceitful ways of the wayward wife and don't trust them. They know that their greatest risk to losing their "girlfriend" is that she goes back to her husband. Thus...when he is absolutely sure where she is...he double checks that she's not with you.