Gogofo - LRT letter - planning a new beginning

[gogofo]

Last thread link
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...497#Post2529497

Time to look at the facts and reflect on what is going on.

R has been super high and super low with emotions and feelings since May 2014. Very little middle ground of this is pleasant. Been kicked out of her house 3 times, would be 4 but we are selling our house we lived in together.

W filed in early November 2014, then retracted and we were trying to reconcile. Had some of our best times together over Thanksgiving and were planning a future together.

W said she is done, nothing has changed. Said I will be contacted by lawyer but have not heard from him yet.

W has been in a separate bedroom for about two weeks.

We made a list of how to split assets on 1/20/15. I told her flat out how I felt and the strength of my feelings and how I feel that D is not the answer. We hugged and embraced tighter than we had in weeks and cried together. Talk was emotional but not hate filled. Said she cares for me and thinks of me as her best friend, but is not in love with me.

We swapped rolls in the last year. In late 2013 I was not focused on M or family, they were not my top priority. W was doing all she could to try and save the M. Now I am fighting for the M and it is not the top priority of the W now.

W is EA with OM who she was physical with twice when we were separated in February. May be a PA, but she denied this. Said they talk about a lot of things, he is a co-worker. I assume OM is pushing for her to D me because he wanted to leave his W for her last year. I think OM is in the process or is already D. I was contacted by XW of OM and told this information the same day we split assets.

Our house should be sold on February 24th, I have been asked to move out. Do not know what I can afford because I do not know how much child support I will have to pay. Found a house I like, but have to wait on creating a budget.

Has been recommended on the forum to go dim/dark in relation to W.

Talked to DB Coach on 1/22/15 and got her perspective. She said to remember only to believe half of what she says, etc. She said that she makes decisions in highly emotional times. It shows positivity (just a little) that she filed before then retracted. She sees slight hope that we are still interacting well together and that we embraced and cried together during our R talk.

She said to drag out the D process as much as possible, time is on my side. She said to continue being pleasant and have upbeat interactions with W. Do not tell W when I receive papers. If asked, just say yes. If she asks about how I feel about it to explain that I am saddened by her hopeless feelings about our future. Less is more when communicating with the W.

My actions now.

I have the basic script for the LRT letter for the W. I will write it to help me with closure and the realization that this is the end and D is going to happen. I have to decide if or when to give it to the W. I have to fully believe in what I right in the letter and it has to be genuine.

Try to deal with my hope that the D will not happen and drop expectations of her changing her mind.

Make small changes and monitor reactions in my W. Still work on the person I want to be inside and outside of the M. If I want to share my emotions more, do so but monitor the reactions from the W. Do not pursue or pressure W.

Plan my move and possible locations to live.

Refocus on GAL activities, try not to focus on M so much.

Pack up the old house and start to relocate things into our current house.

Count my blessings and smile everyday.

My feelings.

I have a hope that we will not get a D. I don't know how much of this is because I am in the denial stage of grief. DB Coach gives me glimmers of hope. Wife's words are about D, her actions not so much. Her actions show pain and hurt and feeling overwhelmed.

I do not want this, but will not fight her. I feel that I have so much more to give and we have not exhausted every effort to fix our M problems. I feel she still loves and cares for me, but is trying to convince herself to leave.

[gogofo]

Just received a call from W's lawyer. I am to pickup D complaint tonight at 5:45.

[gogofo]

Going to sign receipt of complaint and give back to lawyer. Next step is agreeing to the terms and waiting for the courts.

W and I have had some very emotional talks. She is done, it is sad and hard for me to accept. She holds a lot of anger over the past and feels nothing has changed.

I just need to continue working on myself. I know it is not the end of me, but it hurts. Last year when she felt the same way and walked out I felt my life was going to end, I don't feel that way anymore.

I am going through the process of getting mortgage information and have found a house I want to buy. Once I have my information I can talk to a realtor and start the buying process.

The rope is gone.

I am going to write my LRT letter and decide if I want to give it to her.

It is sad that she feels that the D is the only option, but that is her reality. I don't want it, but I will live through all of this.

My reality is that she is losing someone who would move mountains for her and is a really great guy, etc.

I would like our realities to align one day again because I really do love her, but that is out of any of our control right now.

Onward and upward as me, the soon to be divorced father of two amazing boys. I am sad and excited at the same time.

I planned this next step to be done while holding my W's hand. I know I am strong enough to walk alone, I just need to practice not turning around to see where she is going.

[Barrybran]

Just keep your chin up and look after yourself and your kids.

[gogofo]

Why do I keep picking up the rope?

W and I just chatted away last night, it was nice. W even acknowledged that it was nice. She has been feisty again, which she hadn't been in a long time (this is what attracted me to her). I sat there talking to her and listening and admiring her. She hasn't had that fire in her belly in a long time. It is a sad realization that she keeps it buried when working on us. We seem to communicate and interact better when we are "broken". Neither of us is holding back or nervous, just talking openly and honestly.

She had some snide remarks last night about me going to look at a new home. Usually I would have just blown them off and accepted the hurt I felt so I wouldn't "rock the boat". But since I am no longer afraid to talk openly I asked if she was bitter about me getting a new house. She seemed a little shocked that I confronted her about it. She was upset that, as she put it, "now this house is good enough for ME, but before it would never have been good enough for US." So later on in the conversation here I go picking up the rope and make the comment that there is room for her in the new house. It was met with facetious laughter. Why do I do it?

I still love her and it is hard for me to accept that she is done trying. Is this denial, lack of understanding, love, or the fact that I am not done trying to fix this? Am I just a big idiot to think this can all be repaired and pieced back together, especially when we communicate openly now?

I did get a hearty f@#$ you last night when she asked if my parent's knew we were divorcing. Not even thinking I said "yeah, I told them that you want a divorce." I don't understand her instant anger about this.

If she filed and knows that I don't want a D, why would the words I used make her instantly angry?
Is it typical a WAW that thinks that the D is what both want?
Was I wrong with my word choice?
Does she not want to accept responsibility for the D, even though she filed?

On a different note; I am going to look at a house during lunch today and have been talking with a couple banks about mortgages.

[sandi2]

I did get a hearty f@#$ you last night when she asked if my parent's knew we were divorcing. Not even thinking I said "yeah, I told them that you want a divorce." I don't understand her instant anger about this.

If she filed and knows that I don't want a D, why would the words I used make her instantly angry?
Is it typical a WAW that thinks that the D is what both want?

What is typical is that she wants others to believe you both want a D. In her opinion, you painted her as the bad guy to your parents. (Which she is, but that's the thinking of a WAW.)

Was I wrong with my word choice?

No, you were truthful.

Does she not want to accept responsibility for the D, even though she filed?

Not really.

[gogofo]

Thanks for the input Sandi.

I am having a hard time not being in love with her. Now that we are not tip toeing around each other we both feel alive again. I can see the spark in her eyes and personality. We are sharing more and understanding more about each other and us during the R.

I am disappointed that we couldn't be like this all the time. I feel we could/can fix this. I need to stop focusing so much on the M and just enjoy the little time I have left to spend together.

Hopefully, as my DB Coach said, leaving her feeling good about our interactions may change how she feels. If not I need to accept the fact that me loving her is not enough to repair the M right now.

Still torn on whether or not to distance more. I feel good being around her, but know it doesn't mean she wants me again or wants to try again.

I need to get it through my thick skull that she is done trying. It doesn't matter if I am not, she is and wants the D. I have no option left as far as remaining married.

The other night she said that "maybe we can build a relationship that we won't screw up." When I asked for clarification she said that she hoped we could get along and co-parent well.

Trying to let go of expectations/hope. Need to work harder on it.

I don't know if I am in denial of the situation or if there still is a connection between us. I find it hard to understand that we can still get along so well and enjoy being around each other so much, but she is done trying.

[gogofo]

Journaling:

My biggest problem right now is fighting the urge to beg or plead or bargain. She said she felt she had to compromise on everything in the M, she is not compromising on this. I know this is WAW wording, but she seems pretty confident.

The way I feel is that I am good with buying my own house, splitting assets, providing child support, living separate, working on ourselves, etc. She feels the same way. We do better when having some alone time and separation right now. What I am not okay with is the D. She knows this, I know she knows this. I would like us to work on piecing, for quite a while, even two years or more as she works on her doctorate.

I need to get the stink of desperation off of me. She goes between WAW spew and honest feelings when we start creeping into the R area of talks.

I know when she feels not listened to or pushed she postures up, gets a mean face and digs deep to try to defend (rationalize) her decision for D.

I don't want to force her hand or push her towards D. I know I have no control over the situation, but I still has the LBS desire to feel heard and feel my opinion matters. I know a WAW rarely hears these things.

[sandi2]

It seems to me that you are still struggling with the same problems you were some time ago. I think the last time I posted to you, was when you were saying the two of you were trying to piece. However, your "talk" has not changed. Have you changed?

[gogofo]

I know I have in a lot of ways. There are still things that I want to change.

What I haven't changed is getting excited and starting to apply pressure. When I looked back at some of the last attempts there were times I really enjoyed, but couldn't leave as just enjoyable moments.

I have an issue with feeling that if I am not actively working on something, then I am regressing. Not a good thing when trying to fix a R and NOT apply pressure.

I am also singularly task focused, not able to have too many things going on. I either work on me or the M, not both.

I told my W that I really enjoyed one night when after being out with her friends she called and asked if she could come over. We had a beer and slept in the same bed, me with my arm around her and her holding it. It felt so great and powerfully loving.

Her response put me into perspective very clearly. She said "yeah, but you couldn't be satisfied with that, you kept needing more."

She was right. When I look back that night felt so good, but I remember thinking that we are getting closer together and then thinking we could work on some piecing efforts. WRONG. I pushed to hard, but until I get yanked out of my mindset I don't realize it.

I need my focus to be on me, not the R.

W said we do better separated because I am not focused on fixing the R, but on just me. She is right. The trouble is that now it seems I am out of my second, third, or fourth chances.

I do need more to grow and change. I think she is right that I would not or can not change when we are together in the same house.