' ve struggled with my inaction also, thinking I have to do something, anything yet I've resisted the urge and have been working on me. Looking back I can see my faults but also my W's. The more I step away the more clearer things become. Just tonight she picked up and left because I told her I was going out tomorrow tonight earlier today. I see the pettiness and insecurity in her especially as I get my confidence back just as you will too.
Concerning the story she tells? We cant control that. Her family adores me -- what could she possibly say to them thst she would get their blessing to move in the direction she is taking. I dont know. I can only continue to best person I can be.
M44, W38 S5,S3 Met - 09/07 Engaged - 2/08 Married - 11/08 New house - 10/13 Bomb dropped - 11/14 EA confirmed - 11/14 PA - strong suspicion WAW Plastic surgeries - 12/14 WAW stopped wearing rings - 12/31/14
Sorry for trying to start a new post, I was just trying to keep the advice and momentum going for some answers for myself. I'm glad there has been more traffic on this thread since.
Well, unfortunately more bad news.
My wife wanted to come by the house last night to pick up some mail that has still been coming for her. I was thrilled that she initially reached out to me and that she asked to come over. She also agreed to hang out for a little bit. I was so nervous and excited at the same time.
So she comes over. It was amazing just seeing her. Her beautiful face and smile, just the glow from her and everything, it made my heart so warm to just be in the same room as her again.
We were able to talk and chit chat and it was all so positive, loving and happy. Our dog was giving her kisses and wagging her tail that she was at the house. For a brief moment it was nice to pretend we were all together there as the family like old times.
Mostly organically we came to talking about us and the relationship. It was like the elephant in the room, and was almost impossible not to bring up.
It was very peaceful and loving but it got emotional. We both were crying.
I was expressing feelings and wants of my continual and unconditional love for her and that I still completely want us to work out and her back. I asked if there was anything that would make her consider trying to work on us.
Unfortunately she just kept saying that she feels she is on the right path. That she is so full of sorrow and guilt for hurting me, she said this to me, but she feels that we can't work it out and that basically she doesn't see us together in life like I do. She said that she hasn't been in love with me for some time and that we were in a rut.
Idk why it wouldn't be worth working through for her. I just don't understand it in the slightest. Not at all. She said that we were meant to have our time together in life. But, I was just thinking and said, then why aren't we now?!?! Why is it not worth it!?!? Why can't we work out of the rut and fall in love with each other again. The rut is not what the relationship would be doomed to be in forever. Relationships take work. Sickness and health, good and bad. We said those vows to each other. She acknowledged that we didn't handle or fully bring attention to our real problems when they were happening in the past, and that we both handled it wrong. And I said to her, why can't we try now, together, for once? She just said my name and asked me to stop.
Then came the huge blow. I told her I was so nervous to ask this, but I wanted to know if she is seeing someone. She told me she is
She could hardly look at me. Tears started pouring out of me. She was welling up too. I asked if this guy knew that we were married. She said he did, but that her and I are separated so..... She is justifying it in her mind that it's ok that she is seeing someone since we are not living together. We are still married. We are still husband and wife. It is an affair and it is cheating. I told her that this guy is a scumbag and that no real man would do this. I got to a dark place and told her the anger part of me wants to hurt this guy, but I assured her those were just angry, reactionary and emotional thoughts. I assured her I won't do anything stupid. She said that she knows that, and that is another part of why this is so hard, that she knows I'm "such a great guy" and so loving and whatnot and not the kind of person that would get mad or mean, but that I still love through learning this.
She said that she started "seeing" him after she moved out. That he is a guy from work, and that he is not the reason that she wants our marriage to be over. Hard to think that her seeing and being with him isn't helping pull her away from me though...
Part of me wants to at least confront this guy and let him see me, that I am here and I am real and that he is helping to destroy two lives and a marriage. I wouldn't, or at least think I wouldn't, try to hurt him or be malicious. I just want him to know he is a coward and a shell of a person. I want him to see my face and hear my words. I want to let him know how disgusting he is.
I now understand how people just get made at the other person and not their partner in these situations. I was always one of those people that said and thought, cheating is grounds for the relationship being over and is unacceptable. Now being in the situation, I only have love and desire for my wife still. It doesn't matter at all to me that she is engaging in this, I still only have love for her and want her back.
I wish I could turn off my feelings, I wish I could just be "ok" with all of this and move on. I feel like hell. I feel like dying. I can't breathe and I can't think. I woke up this morning in a panic. I feel like nowhere is safe or comforting. I know things will be "ok" over time. But what if they aren't? What if this does end for good and that I will be haunted by her for the rest of my life?
I told her and felt completely genuine about this when I said it, that I don't care that she is seeing someone else or anything else, but that I still completely love her and want her back.
I wanted to know more about this situation, but it was hard for her to look at me or talk about it. I respected that and tried to let it be after speaking on it for a couple minutes.
She came and sat next to me and we held each other and cried for a few minutes. It was so amazing just to embrace her, feel her, smell her hair. We each kissed each other or the cheek and it took my breath away. She kept telling me that it is going to be ok and that she is sorry.
I didn't want to let her go. She said she should leave. More tears started coming out. She got up and we hugged a couple more times. We grabbed each others hands and they slipped away from each other and she walked out the door.
We waved goodbye as she drove away.
I felt crushed.
I just feel like those divorce papers and going to come next month. She didn't bring it up when we talked though. But I feel that she is committing to her path.
Idk what to do. I guess I know very clearly how she is feeling what she is saying she wants. Which is not what I want. Maybe I need to start accepting this and start moving on and start completely working on myself. It's hard to accept that and start doing that and thinking that I am not giving up on her. I know if it came to a time down the road and she said that she still loves me and wants me back that I would completely take her back without hesitation. I know I can't count on that though or spend my life hoping.
What should I do everyone? I feel so horrible and alone. How do I start letting go but at the same time still love her while wanting to start to save our marriage? Can you let go and still try to save a marriage at the same time?
I am completely in your boat. Accept my wife continually tells me she loves me, but needs space to fix herself. All the while she is with OM. At least your W is honest. Mine leads me on. it is like she believes her lies will save me pain but I believe she lies to make herself feel better
Well I think it is a very good sign that your wife continues to tell you she loves you. The passion, love and affection that initially brought you two together and brought you two to be married is still in there then, I believe. Her lying is probably some way that she thinks she is either protecting you or protecting herself from the guilt and shame. Probably both. I am glad my W was honest, you could see that it tore her up when I asked about it. I think your W will get to a point where she can admit and be honest to herself and you. I think her saying that she still loves you is huge. Keep working at it in a positive direction. I'm sure you have the DR and DB, seems like there is some really good advice in there about your situation, especially since she seems to be either consistently or continually speaking or interacting with you. Are you guys still living together?
theoden,
I have the Divorce Remedy. I've read through it. I was trying the last resort technique previously with no results, but might attempt it again now that my W and I have reached seemingly a new stage. All of the other advice within the book seems to be only direction if your spouse is at least will to consider reconciliation, or at the very least spends some amount of time speaking or interacting with you. We pretty much have had little to no communication or interaction, not by my choice. As well, she told me to my face, and I believed her, that she didn't start seeing the OM until she moved out. She works with the guy so obviously she has been socializing with him for some time. Regardless, whatever has happened or is happening does not change how I feel or what I want. It is her. It is unconditional love for her. I will not get angry with her, I can't, and I certainly won't show anger towards her, that will not help me in the slightest. I do realize I need to stop begging, pleading and crying. I was doing a good job of this until we had our interaction the other night. I was trying to reason more than anything else.
But something interesting happened yesterday. She started texting me over bill stuff, but then she quickly started texting me how she was sorry about the previous night, when she came over, and that she feels so messed up and that she is going to start seeing a counselor ASAP and that she was sorry again and that she hoped I had a really nice day.
This kind of blew me away. I think her admitting and talking to me about the OM and that she is seeing that I am still consistent with the genuine and positive changes on myself and my deep, unconditional love and willingness to make permanent and positive changes may be shaking her up and she is now seeing the gravity of what is happening and what could be lost. At least I hope that is the case. I hope that if she does start seeing a counselor that this will help us and maybe we'll be able to start working together on reconciling.
I'm not giving my hopes up, but I think yesterday could have been a big moment. I told her not to be sorry, that I am not mad or angry and that my only feelings for her are love and affection. I told her that she is not messed up, the situation is and that she is a beautiful and amazing person. And that if she would ever like me to go to the counselor with her I would be more than happy to. As well, that if she just needs more space right now that I will respect that. I told her that I love her and I hope she has a nice day as well.
Now that old curiosity has come over me again, haha. Should I just leave her to these new thoughts and realizations on her own? Should I just give her space now and apply the last resort technique? Or should I approach her with my love and want for us to work through it now, that is possibly seems that she may be realizing the weight of what is happening?
I don't want to manipulate her or anything, but I feel since that she is possibly in this vulnerable, rethinking state, maybe this is the time I should act and try to win her back.
I just want my W back everyone. I feel so tired, physically and emotionally. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels a lot. Maybe I should just continue with GAL like I have been and apply the last resort technique and see what happens. She very, very clearly knows what I want and that I will be here if she is to change her mind on things. She knows that I am making all of these changes that I have been lacking for sometime and that I am willing to do whatever it takes for us to work through this. I guess if she knows my stance that's all I can do. Maybe pursuing and trying to reach out to her would not be right, seems like its goes against what is directed by the DR and DB books. Idk, every person and every situation is different and unique though.
Also now that she knows that YOU know she's cheating on you, things will start to shift.
If you are nice guy who unconditionally loves her, will wait forever for her while she cheats, and it still her best buddy, she may actually lose respect for you, since you seem to be lacking healthy boundaries. There is something in male/female dynamics where women are attracted to men who are strong and elicit respect. If you sit there with open arms while she cheats, to some extent, she realizes you will always be her back-up if things don't work our with OM. She gets to cake-eat as they say. Also, you might want to consider what kind of message you send. She can cheat with no consequences and, on top of that her infidelity turns you into super-AML who is even a better husband than ever. If Pavlov was right about stimulus/response, you are rewarding her for infidelity by being an even more available, loving, amazing husband. All those wonderful positive changes are good, but what changes is your wife willing to make? People value things that are hard-one.
The anger is supposed to give you a healthy sense of boundaries of what's acceptable to you and what isn't. It's a quick way to get centered. People respect those who show healthy self-respect and lay down boundaries. Respect is a part of attraction. Making demands and stating what we want gives people a sense of who we are. Right now you are making yourself invisible, shrinking your needs and acting like you are footnote in your wife's grand story. You are in essence, revolving around your wife and constantly adjusting to her needs/wants/desires/moods. It's hard to trust a people-pleaser, because you authentic self (with needs, likes/dislikes, boundaries) is being hidden in order for you to win your wife back.
You may love you wife, but with all due respect, she is not amazing right now. She's acting cruelly and selfishly.
What consequences is she facing now that she is cheating on you? How is she sensing you will be fine without her and are ready to move on?
Time to divide bank accounts? Did you talk to a lawyer?
Perhaps a tighter implementation of the LRT? Maybe the AFTER the last resort technique? (It's in Michelle's book).
Maybe you can tell her that you are not willing to live in an open marriage and you are willing to pursue counseling with her if she's willing to end the relationship with the other man. If she says "no" then you can reply, "Well, looks like I have some thinking to do and some decisions to make." And then walk away.
Even in Michelle's books she speaks about ultimatums.
The longer you are willing to keep a posture of open arms, being her best friend and biggest fan WHILE she's in an affair, the more likely you will be worn down with grief, anger and pain. Also, the more likely she'll lose respect for you and lose more attraction.
Keep up you GET a life activities. But start to show some boundaries. Start to move on. Not just to show her you are, but for your own sanity. She can always jump back on the AML train if she wants.
I think, for laughs, and for a refreshing perspective on infidelity, you might want to visit the Chump Lady website. It's really funny and a kick in the pants.
