I have just read through your threads. I know that all of this is very confusing, hurtful and bewildering. It all seems very bleak and grim. Telling you that this is just a moment, a bottom in a long journey may be lacking comfort and peace.
This is what V understands, these WAS and waywards are very confused, sad and lost. One minute up, one minute down, running around like headless chickens. They seek an answer from this and then from that. An OP may distract them but then they want the comfort of their M. They need AD, IC, MC, S or D and then they do not. They are persuaded by X and the next minute Y.
If you are trying to understand this behaviour, monitor it, comfort when down and get angry when up then stop. Following will keep you locked in chasing a headless chicken up and down a spiral maze of cheese less tunnel.
STOP.
There is no sense in non sense. Calibri there is nothing you can do for H but let him alone to work his way through it. H is separate to you and you are separate to H. This H needs and wants to be left to work his way through his cheese less tunnel. Expect a long long wait and nothing else. H will pull you and then push you and perhaps without knowing why he does that.
Please do DB for you and not for your M or so your H will notice.
There is no explaining Your H behaviour, reactions or anything else. H is lost to himself. For your own sake let him be and look after Calibri. You may never know nor may your H the reasons for any of it. Those are past and all you have is today.
Seek extra legal advice and protect yourself. Your H may get influenced in ways that surprise you so buckle down to the practicalities of looking after you. If you and H become one again then you will be glad you did this.
V would love to comfort you, give you answers and instead V is saying look after Calibri. Practice Sandi guidelines in full for you.
Labug has given you very wise counsel to go dark for your own sake and to enable you to get some space and detatchment. Please follow her advice, a 180 for you to really go dark for your own sake and not for H.
I wish you peace of mind and light.
Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 01/26/1502:19 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Sounds like he learned to twist and turn and play semantics games from his mom, who simply excels if she can draw a framework where you're making 'rules' and his behavior is acceptable. Or hers. You can't argue with that kind of stupid. Some people are masters at drawing others into a seemingly reasonable sounding conversation and it's more like a fun house of mirrors, distortion, crazy-making twists and turns.
I know it is driving you crazy to think of all he said, did, all the conflicts. But to him, it was probably all true. He did want to help you, see you at your competition. He did want to work things out. He did want to explore the idea of other people. Want his boundaries, a divorce. It doesn't align and make any sense, and Idk if there are lies there, as much as the jumble in his own head. We all know how many thoughts and disparate feelings can exist beside each other. Most of us try not to inflict that mess on the people we love and speak before we can stand by our words.
I am so very sorry for all you're going through now.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
I am sorry things are this bad. It's very hard to face all the lies and even worse to try to understand why someone would choose to go that path. You invested a lot of patient and care for a person that stabbed you in the back.
I get to the conclusion that is just very impossible to understand sick people, and our Hs are sick at the moment. There is a time in life that all our lives crumble and we look at ourselves and try to make some sense of all it is.
For some sane people it goes more smooth, looking for options to get better and succeed in a decent way, but for others they get mixed up in old hurts, patterns of disillusion and pain.
Your H has a pair of unfortunately parents, they are not helping him, they are destroying him instead. All what they are doing is to add to his low self esteem, his insecurities. Maybe one day your H will be able to cut the umbilical cord and decide his own life, but we have no idea when he will be ready to do so.
You are a very decent and smart person, but it's very hard to just let go. I myself have been going to similar feelings right now. I am simply very hurt. All the lies, all the cover ups, the nice words, the "I care about you", I don't what to hurt you further, all the BS keeps boiling inside us.
The bottom line at all this comes to that road of decisions, we have our morals, we know what we want, we have been working on ourselves because we know we are not angels, we become better and believe that all people can go through such time of developing themselves. But then we need to face that our partner is no longer walking that path. They get lost, they want to walk some other road, that we don't even see how they will benefit from it.
I have been getting many advice and support from this board and I believe I can be happier if I listen to it. Our partners have to walk whatever it is by themselves, and we need to keep improving our own lives so we can be whole with or without them.
Now, it comes to the crossroads of decisions. Do I file for D? do I file Legal Separation? Do I wait and assume the financial risks? Or do I file to protect myself? Now the emotional side gets crumbled into the practical side. If you wait you feel stupid and have the constant fear of losing even further. If you think to file then the pain of seeing it so final starting eating your life away.
For me I have another take on the Kids issue. I feel that because I have kids it is somewhat easier to decide to serve papers to my H. I feel the obligation to ignore all my feelings and to think very practical of how to protect my children against my sick H. All his actions are all over the place, I do not know who this man is anymore, so I feel justified to file the legal separation and take care after the ones that can't protect themselves.
You see, it's all so complicated because of our hearts. Selena Gomez has a song where she says that there is all the reasons to get away but "The heart wants what it wants". If we could just off the heart, it would all be so much easier.
So, what to do. I guess there is no easy way out here. We need to grief, cry, feel sad and we need to force ourselves to go out, dress better, eat better, surround ourselves with good listening friends, we need to ask for help and let other people help us. We need to get in touch with our inside, our deepest values and them make some sense of why we need to stand tall.
We need to look at all the scenarios and take the decision of a practical point of view. The real deal is that there are the ones before us that are in a better place even with a bad outcome. I guess if you have yourself, then you can always find peace and happiness somewhere else, or go back to your H in the future in a different R.
I say this to you and to myself as well... give yourself time, practice every day to enjoy yourself, think about what exactly is hurting you. Think if it all boils to a point of what you have as an impression of a M/R and what is real about your partner. Go dark, NC for your own sake. It's the hardest part of the DBing, is to really understand to respect ourselves and live our lives. Is to lose control of all what is related to our partners, is to let go and take good care after what we want and who we are.
I am, for the first time in my entire life, learning this. It's awkward at first, but slowly it start making more and more sense. And it's somewhat possible we will be more attractive if we get stronger and stand by ourselves. Read 25 and get some ideas there. That lady did it, she is a tough baby.
My heart goes out to you, I know exactly how hard it is to be lied to, betrayed, hurt... but C still have herself, her high values, her charm and a lot of life to live. It's time to take care after yourself and let H walk his path. Maybe it's the only way to get him back, it to let him go.
Appointment to see an attorney this afternoon to draw up separation papers. I have to protect myself financially.
This is not what I want. But it's what I have to do to protect myself.
He's not coming back. He's too lost. I'm too broken.
All he had to do was trust in me years ago to say, "hey, I'm not happy with some things, lets work on it."
And instead he ignored it, and let it fester and now I'm seeing a lawyer and trying to figure out how to pull myself back together again.
I know I'm saying the same drabble over and over again. I just cannot believe I'm where I'm at.
(((hugs), Calibri.
I get it. You know I do.
The part that gets to me the most is the "let's work on it" part. The implication that we could have worked TOGETHER to make things better. Instead I got the "YOU work on it" and then he went to work.
The resentment is rearing its ugly head again. Blah.
Let's not wallow, though, Calibri. The vacuuming can wait. What are you doing tonight after work?
Appointment to see an attorney this afternoon to draw up separation papers. I have to protect myself financially.
This is not what I want. But it's what I have to do to protect myself.
He's not coming back. He's too lost. I'm too broken.
All he had to do was trust in me years ago to say, "hey, I'm not happy with some things, lets work on it."
And instead he ignored it, and let it fester and now I'm seeing a lawyer and trying to figure out how to pull myself back together again.
I know I'm saying the same drabble over and over again. I just cannot believe I'm where I'm at.
Calibri, practical is very good, knowing where you stand is in my book essential. Then you can make informed choices and are ready to act when the time is right (I hope it never is). You will then know what the consequences of backing off are too, which if you are unsure is also a valid choice.
If you feel you need a second or third L opinion get one, understand your position even if you are feeling emotionally raw. If unsure of filing you need not act but you will know what to do to protect yourself. Knowledge is power.
Vanilla
Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 01/26/1505:50 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
The part that gets to me the most is the "let's work on it" part. The implication that we could have worked TOGETHER to make things better. Instead I got the "YOU work on it" and then he went to work.
The resentment is rearing its ugly head again. Blah.
Let's not wallow, though, Calibri. The vacuuming can wait. What are you doing tonight after work?
I understand Ss. I am so upset. How does someone not say anything and then be done? It's a pattern. He did it to his ex-fiance, and how he's doing it to me.
I'm going to be someone's ex-wife. Typing that makes me want to throw up. Like projectile vomit.
What it boils down to is this -- from best I can understand. He doesn't know what he wants in life. With ANYTHING. This whole trying to work on things with me this month. I think Zelda hit the nail on the head. He wanted to talk, he wanted to see me compete -- I think he wanted those things when they were effortless and easy. But, and this is where it gets cloudy, I don't think he knows if he wants to work on it because he wants to be with me, or because he's wanting to people please me. And if it's the latter, it isn't fair to either one of us.
But my god, it hurts SO BAD.
Last night I went and worked out -- and cried on the running part of the workout. But it was dark and outside and no one could see.
And then I came home and sobbed on the phone to my sil (who just filed for separation herself, from my H's brother), my mom, and another friend.
This all could have been avoidable. This is all bullshit.
Last edited by Calibri; 01/27/1504:15 PM.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
Calibri, practical is very good, knowing where you stand is in my book essential. Then you can make informed choices and are ready to act when the time is right (I hope it never is). You will then know what the consequences of backing off are too, which if you are unsure is also a valid choice.
If you feel you need a second or third L opinion get one, understand your position even if you are feeling emotionally raw. If unsure of filing you need not act but you will know what to do to protect yourself. Knowledge is power.
Vanilla
Vanilla
Hi Vanilla,
Thank you for stopping by my posts. I appreciate it - and always enjoy reading your posts on other people's threads. You're so much fun.
Now that H's mentally ill, unstable mother has inserted herself into our business, and H has gone off the grid, I have to put things into play at least to cover myself financially in case H starts accumulating debt, etc. It also protects H as well.
It's not what I want. But sometimes in life, we have to do things in life that we don't want to do. The paperwork is started. We still have eight months to go before anyone can file for divorce.
Time is there.
But I don't think time is going to heal this wound.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
General update because I'm at work, and I actually HAVE to get work done, as opposed to yesterday where I just stared at the screen of my computer.
First: thank you to everyone who has stopped in and commented. I appreciate you all. Everyone has made good points. I apologize that I haven't been active on other people's threads. I'm just shell shocked right now.
I went to the lawyer and discussed my options. The best solution is for me to file for legal separation, which will protect assets and decide how we will split things, should we divorce. The Lawyer is going to send a letter to my H, basically saying, it is the understanding of my client (me) that you no longer wish to remain married and thus my client has started the process, blah blah, you have a week to have you or your representative work with us or we escalate to the next step.
The letter is going to be delivered to his work through certified mail, which MORTIFIES me, for him. But as I don't know where he now lives (he moved out of his hotel room ---hooooray), and I didn't want it sent to his work email, the only other options were to mail it to him, or have him pick it up at the lawyers office. I may asked them to give that option. I don't know.
I really, really would like to speak to him before these get delivered to him. Because I think it's the adult thing to do. I wouldn't want to get papers delivered out of nowhere, even if he was planning on starting the paperwork himself.
The more and more I've talked to my mom, my SIL, my friends, people who know him, the more we are baffled that he would ask/let his mom do the dirty work. It's just not his character. Especially when he knows how much I dislike his mother. We're wondering if H mentioned in a distressed conversation with his mother about being busted for the online dating, etc that we were probably heading towards D and she took it upon herself to deliver the news. She's a vindictive B like that. But the fact of the matter is, H knows she delivered the news to me, he hasn't retreated that or apologized, so I guess we will take it at face value.
I shouldn't care, really, how he finds out about the paperwork. But, I guess I have more poise and grace than he or his family - I would never have my mother call and do my dirty work. I feel we owe it to our relationship to have a conversation about this. So he's just not sitting at work all happy go lucky and then opens up a letter that just blows up his own world. I wasn't give that courtesy, but I feel he's owed it.
So I emailed him - at work - since he has now blocked me from all aspects of communication, and asked if he would call me on his lunch break. That I had a time sensitive manner to discuss that had to be done over the phone. He responded -- he can't do it, he's off site in meetings all day and riding with people, but he'll see what he can do to text me later.
Fine. If that's how you want it, that's how you get it.
It's just SOOOOOOO TACKY.
I don't even know what to say. Probably something along the lines of, I don't want this - but I respect that this is the path he wants to go down.
And, maybe it's mind reading -- but it is. He got caught. He started flip flopping about what he wanted. First it was he didn't want to work on the M, and then it was he did want to work on the M and then is was, he felt pressured to work on the M and then it was you can't talk to me anymore because my IC says we suck at communication and this is my boundary and you will abide by it, but I do think we should go to MC to see if we can sort ourselves out, to radio silence to his mother calling and gleefully telling me I'm getting divorced.
There's a small part of me that hopes this will jerk him awake and he has some sort of revelation.
The reality is, he will probably be so relieved that he wasn't the bad guy, and I will likely never hear from him again.
There's so much that would have to be overcome on both sides for this to work. And I don't think he will do it. I don't think he has the tools to do it.
And I don't think he wants to do it.
I should've listened to him back in September when he told me he was done. I should've just accepted it and let it go. Instead I stood for myself and our M. And for what? To have it end by my psychotic mother in law telling me over the phone because my H is hiding from me. To having to take PTO to go to lawyers offices to protect myself because I have no idea what's coming next and I can't trust anyone to do the right thing.
This is not what I wanted. This is not what I want. But this is what it is.
I hate all of this.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
C, if he was sitting beside you right now telling you he was willing to work on it, how would you feel then? And came back with all of his shattered pieces to lay them at your feet, say I don't know who I am or what I want, will you accept this and that and maybe some of that, and what the next years are going to look like? Will you trust me enough to sign up for more? Or not, depending on how I feel in my next sentence? My guess is you might feel just as or probably more nauseous than you do now? (ask me how I know.)
There's no time machine, love. Neither one of you can un-do this, no matter how you package, or with whatever tact. He doesn't deserve any, and there you go, it's a 180 for you to deliver without a lot of padding and considerate framing.
I told a stranger who did my nails this weekend that my H was trying to break up with me. And it sounded so cute and innocent and we laughed so hard. What magic in that acceptance. She told me about a place called Hostel in the Woods in GA that I think I'm going to head to real soon.
Of course this isn't what you want and it hurts. (hugs) You're not responsible for helping him find the tools or himself. You gotta keep on with you. Let go of the stigma of being a divorced woman - those discarded feelings aren't for someone like you. You may be a divorced woman, not because of lack of effort or heart, but because you gave it all and had to choose life. A friend of mine told me that if this continued, I would be destroyed, and no one wanted to see me lose myself like that. Imagine that some day this will be a period of your life you're thankful for, and have moved past.
Arms open for the good that is ahead for you. You got this.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
