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Originally Posted By: ces67
She will not divorce me and will fight it. But she will also not work on our marriage. She did say she was trying to be "nicer" though. I let her know that was not enough and that I wanted to be able to share lives and that isn't happening.

I find it interesting that she wants to fight you on it.
But she does not want to fight to work on the marriage

What do you want your life to look like after divorce?

These low energy/depressed woman take forever to move forward that is for sure.

Wish I knew what wakes them up.

I wish she would wake up and see the roses


Me-70, D37,S36
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Originally Posted By: labug
I re-read your last post and have something to add. (surprise!)

Living the way you are now is also affecting the kids. It may be more insidious but it's there.

She's a survivor, not healthy but a survivor nevertheless. She's trying to survive in the only way she knows how.

You don't have to be a part of that.

Take the steps you need to take, the road ahead will change in ways we can't predict. Be open.
I agree. My kids saw therapists before we separated and filed. Without divulging anything much, I was told in plain language that they were deeply affected by my dysfunctional unloving marriage. The told the therapist about it. We are doing well now. They are healing and learning more about respect and love. I wish this hadn't happened...but we are finding our way just the same. Peace....


me: 47, W:49
M 16.5 years
T 17 years
Three kids - D17,D14, S13
Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13
Bomb drop 11/29/13
W moved out 12/5/13
I Retained L 2/20/14
D filed 3/17/14
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Hi ces, what's in this staying together for you?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Hey Bug, any benefit for me in staying in a fake marriage may be financial but at this point, not much. And I don't believe that to be worth living the lie.

I have an appointment set with a lawyer for later in February. As of right now, I don't have the cash to cover his retainer fee and filing fees but I'm giving it a couple weeks to see if I can come up with something. If not, I know how much I need to get the process officially going and am putting my plan together to do so. I may have to postpone my appointment with my lawyer until I save up the retainer. But it was a step I needed to take for myself.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
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((((((((Ces))))))))

There are no clear right or wrong answers are there? Whether you stay or go.. Neither are the perfect decision.

In a sense, it's easier being the LBS because the choice wasn't ours. I know you've been down a long road.. And I feel it must be hard for you to now be the WAS...

Just know that whatever decision you make.. We're still here for you.


Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11
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Thanks Bfloat. I appreciate the support very much. Just a matter of working through the necessary steps and getting the money for the attorney.

We had a brief discussion yesterday. It seemed like the same discussion we've had several times. I want to work on the M but she doesn't. I stopped her a few sentences is and let her know I understood and moved on. I was probably short but didn't have the patience to go through the conversation again. My mistake for trying to have it again.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
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Just saying Hi!


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Posts: 1,030
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ces67 Offline OP
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Hi, Bug!


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
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Originally Posted By: mustardseed
Wow. ... He is always telling me he is "surviving" that is all that his life is about right now. There is no joy, and home is like a prison to him. Yet he won't leave. He grumbles, complains, does things to make it clear to me he wants nothing to do with me, but he won't leave.
Hi mustardseed,
hope that some things are better for you.

It's really surprising how many 'similarities & lines of intersection' these guys share! I've heard the "survival" thing too! Also, just "hanging in there" & words to that effect. This IS probably one of the few truths they echo (otherwise we wouldn't be having this conversation wink )
Hope to catch up re: your thread, take care, p.


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

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Originally Posted By: ces67
Hi Mustardseed, ...

This past weekend I brought up divorce again. It was the first time I've mentioned it since my post back in September. I got the same speech. She will not divorce me and will fight it. But she will also not work on our marriage. She did say she was trying to be "nicer" though. I let her know that was not enough and that I wanted to be able to share lives and that isn't happening.

For me it really is down to setting up the appointment with a lawyer and presenting her the papers. I let her know I could not continue in this marriage another year.

I've held on for a long time. Various reasons at various points which include the following...
*the kids
*hope of change
*uncertainty of what I should do
*fear of the unknown
*disbelief that I would ever actually have to file for D

I get the anger of being placed in your position. Good to acknowledge it and deal with it for you. But in the end, the situation is what it is and it will be up to you to do something different to get something different.


Ces, I starting reading your sitch about '2 purges' ago (includ. most recent 'purge alert'). Had saved some of your posts back then. I see a 'few' (!) developments have since occured wink so I have catching up to do. 4 years is a LONG time Ces. You have certainly TRIED! No doubt there.

I can relate to your list above so very much.
Your w wants the 'right thing' (M) for the wrong reason. Wrong reasons are just that - wrong. Continue on whatever course feels right for you. Someone told me recently, that 'at the end of the day, it's all about how much each individual can bear

We all have to pay attention to how much we can bear relative to efforts for saving R (& saving ourself relative to & within the overall scheme of things). ((ces)) smile


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

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