I"ve been reading other's posts for several weeks. Have read good advice and have been impressed by the support given to each other. Here's my story: about the end of 2012, H's company had financial setbacks and there was threat of layoffs. He was in a managerial position and had been there for almost 5 years. His boss told him that she couldn't guarantee his position in the future. He had worked very hard at this job and was expecting a promotion that didn't happen. He looked hard for another position. In the past, he had no trouble landing another job but at age 47 and changing economic conditions, it took longer than he expected. Finally, after 3+ months, multiple interviews, anxiety on both our parts, he was offered a good position at a large company. It was in a new industry but was not the managerial position he originally wanted. A younger man in his 30's got that position and he got the non-managerial position. He promptly resigned from the old job feeling great that his boss didn't have to lay him off. Within a few weeks, he knew this new job was problematic. They had a retreat and people didn't get along. By August 2013, he told me his apprehensions but I thought that since it had only been 4 months working there, he should give it more time. In the ensuing two months, it was clear to me that he hated this job. He talked about going to a short 2 months educational program in another state, also talked about starting a business. At first I was not very supportive of this but by October 2013, it was clear that he was miserable. He would be on the verge of tears when talking about going back to work after a weekend. I had never seen him like this before so I agreed he should try. Well, he stayed at the job. In November 2013, when his father visited, he described his job in exceptional terms, that it was a great opportunity to do terrific work...a complete 180 from what he had been telling me. I didn't ask him about this, just figured that things had improved. Later that month, I noticed that he acted differently towards me. He seemed more detached, did not keep eye contact with me when we talked. If one of the kids was around, he would turn his attention to the child. He was not as affectionate as he was before. I started to wonder...perhaps there may be someone else. This would be so uncharacteristic for him. Around Xmas 2013, I found a pretty card from a female coworker thanking him for joining the group and for being an 'amazing thought partner'. I reluctantly looked at his phone and saw text messages between them where it appeared that she had talked to him about her divorce and how difficult it was for her and how her faith/religion helped her. She had bought a religious book for him which I found at home. My H is not religious, yet he bought a bible and I found that book. I asked him about it and he did not tell me about her or where he got the book from. He writes in a journal which I don't look at; but, I finally had to look. This was Jan, 2014, what I saw just floored me. There was no doubt he had a crush on her. I confronted him and he said that the 'love' was only a religious type of love; as in love thy neighbor (it clearly was not). He said that they were just friends, that he thought if he made a connection and tried to help her at work, that it would help him do his job better. He said that he thought I wouldn't care because I didn't love him. I made it clear that I did and that I wanted to continue the marriage and he said he wanted the same. In the first few months of 2014, I told him that he had to be an open book, make all texts/emails/journal available to me because I needed to know that things have stopped between them, that he needed to keep everything professional. By the way, there is nothing physical, she does not know he has these feelings for her, it is all one sided in his head. We had frequent talks, tried to go out just the two of us etc. Over that time, he has told me that he has given everything to me, that he has no more to give, that he gave me the best years of his life, that he felt trapped in this life, that he hated his life, that the last 15 years (our married life) had been a waste and that he has nothing to look forward to in the future. He said that he will no longer compromise his career/job for his family. He feels that he has not reached his goals, the most important of which is achievement. When I start to pull away, he becomes more affectionate, at one point telling me that his children and wife were the best things that ever happened in his life. Once I calm down, he is detached again. By summer 2014, he was still infatuated with coworker, very much so as I saw in the journal entries. Coworker still does not know. He would keep texts with her for a few days, then erase them ultimately telling me he did so because he didn't want me to be angry at him. By fall 2014, I told him that with all of this, I find that I can't trust him. He asked me to give him time, please be his friend. We just continued as is. As much as he hates this job and warns me about leaving the job, he has not done so. In November 2014, the office moved to another location 1.5 hours away. He sat down and told me that he thought he would get an apartment there for the week, then come home on the weekend. Then said that maybe we should buy a second home there. At first I went along with this due to the commute but then I realized that this was absurd. Why would one buy a property close to a job one hates and has been trying to leave for over a year? I knew he still had the crush on coworker but I was pretty certain that she still did not know...just a fantasy. At this point, I told him that we should consider separating because I couldn't trust what he says to me and because one expects to be loved exclusively in a marriage. I gave him the cold shoulder for a couple of weeks. I suggested that he get coworker on the phone and I talk to her to throw cold water on this once and for all. He said he couldn't tolerate this humiliation (and I don't have the heart to do this to him). He did not want a divorce/separation. I was pretty sure he was going thru MLC and read as much as I could. What I learned made me so sad for him and so I took a look at the situation from a different perspective. MLC is a serious issue especially for men. H had told me once that he was in such pain and that when you're in pain, you do stupid things. He has said that he gets nothing out of being in his home and every interaction with his family brings him pain. He said that we have a perspective of him that is not who he wants to be. He said he felt the same way when he was living at home with his parents (when he was young) and that he felt better when he left home and lived on his own. Finally, I said perhaps that is what he needs. Sometimes you do need to take time for yourself alone, "in the wilderness", away. He hasn't moved out but stays at a hotel about a couple of nights a week near his work. As for now, there is no talk or intention of divorce/separation. I'm trying to take the long view and believe that this is a phase that will pass with time...how much time is the big question. When one considers a marriage of 40-50 years, 1, 2 or maybe 5 years of grief over that time is a drop in the bucket. Although I'm trying to stay busy with 2 kids and work, this is very stressful, very hard. Most difficult is when I see the parents of my kids' friends who are happy and I remember a time when that was us....
Amy, I haven't been here for long ('years'). I see that you posted yesterday & understand the need for feedback & support. Eventually someone more experienced than myself will get back to you.
When I first came here - Cadet posted links for newbies. Also GAL and reading the DB books help.
I think you need to do some 'kid - free' things for yourself as well, to not always be reminded of those parents who are not faced with an ordeal like this. Continue here - in that, I mean post on the forums to vent/journal. You may need to start in 'newcomers'. That was the mistake I made when I first came on.
I am sorry I coudln't be of more help - but keep coming back. The others will soon respond.
p.
pbetra ---- M: 15 yrs (in 2014) BD: 6/03/2014 Infidelity ('known' from July 2014) Denied PA Feb 2015 2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact. Back briefly 2017 (after family death) Separated 2017
You will not find a more compassionate group of people anywhere. Cadet should stop by with your homework soon.
Keep posting if you are still on moderation as will will take some time till you are off and post show up immediately. Get out, Get a Life, and don't push on him.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. However due to the board PURGE this POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version, sorry for the confusion.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
So sorry you are here in this situation but just knowing We are not the only ones dealing with MLC is a comfort. I wish I had some insight but almost 8 months in and I am just as bewildered.
Please try to focus on yourself and your kids. It sounds odd but it is the best advice. Hang in there.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
The piece on 'why they run' was very informative and it helped me understand the motivations behind the desire to run/leave. When he raised the idea of living away from us, I could not help but feel rejected. Could not understand why he would want to be away from those people who loved him the most in his life. Sure, we've had those R talks that didn't go well, but all in all, we are family.
I don't know much about what it was like for him growing up but he was rather shy unlike his older brother. I get the sense that he feels he always fell short of his brother's achievements. H had said that the most important thing to him is achievement and I wonder if he blames us for having held him back. What does everyone think?
When explaining why he wanted to leave, he told me that we had a perception of who he is that's not who he really is....much like when he was living at home with his parents. His solution then, was to move out and live on his own like what he wants to do now.
I suppose that being with us is a reminder of what he has not been able to accomplish in his career and he feels a like a failure. Thus the fantasies about life with another woman.
The hardest part about all this is not knowing what the ultimate outcome is going to be. I keep thinking that this is a phase and that given enough time, he would just 'wake up' and realize that it is not the external things that give you happiness. I wish I can make him see that. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
