You never answered my question of whether or not you read DR yet. Many of the answers you are looking for are in there. You can't rely on posters on here to spoon feed you the answers. You have to do the work yourself or else you won't understand the process to heal your M.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Hello, my wife is coming back home, she told me she is coming back only because of me 14 year old boy, but she is saying that our marriage is over, that we can live just as friends, no intimacy or anything like that, she said she needs time. I started reading DR but I'm just on the beginning of the book so at this time I do not know what to do next, I want build attraction by connecting so I need to set some short term goals, please any help from some of the participants on the forum who went trough similar situation,
my wife is coming back home, she told me she is coming back only because of me 14 year old boy, but she is saying that our marriage is over, that we can live just as friends, no intimacy or anything like that, she said she needs time.
Are satisfied to accept those terms?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
No but I think about my son, he was a very good student but right now his grades below his abilities, I do not know if this is good or bad, if I say to her not come back she is going to blame me, if I accept she is going to see me as a weak man, I know I need to work on the attraction factor and connecting, my first goal connecting, but I do not know where to begin or how, She told me that she hurt me and I hurt her, I believe she can not forgive, she does not know how to love and she wants only to feel. Today was her birthday I just gave her hug and kiss a friendly kiss,what would you do if it was you on this situation? Thank you
what would you do if it was you on this situation?
Are you asking what I would do as the WAW, or if I were you?
I can tell you what to expect, if she comes back home under her terms. More than likely, this arrangement will continue indefinitely. Do you want to sacrifice your chance at happiness to have a fake M for the sake of your son? Just asking.
In another four years, your son will probably be ready to be on his own. Then what will happen between you and W? Nothing.
I would dare say she is returning home b/c it it works for her better than where she is now. She can have the advantages of being in her home--without the responsibilities of a M.
You need to decide what your terms are. Are you willing to give up a sex life? Are you willing to put up with her disrespect toward you? Then tell her that her terms doesn't work for you and lay out a few of your own conditions. There should be some grounds rules from both sides of the camp.
Last edited by sandi2; 01/26/1503:00 PM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
JP, I haven't read your whole sitch but what Sandi said about deciding what your terms are or living like that indefinitely really hit home with me. My husband has been working out of the country for close to 7 years so when he dropped the bomb he went back overseas. Almost 9 months later he came home due to an injury and has been living at home since the beginning of Oct. We haven't had a discussion about our M since July (when we were on a family vacation) when he said he was filing for divorce and we couldn't fix our M. I also at this time confirmed there was an OW.
Originally when he came home he said he was only staying a few weeks until his injury was fixed and then was going overseas. Well, he's still here and we spend time together and get along great...but he sleeps in the other room and there is no physical contact or R talk. I'm living in limbo and it stinks.
I know you are thinking about your son, but in the long run will having you and your W together in the way she is suggesting be better for him? I would say no. Telling her you don't accept her terms is not being the "bad guy" and honestly does it matter? Did she give you that title already? , You don't have to be "weak" either, and setting boundaries of your own (and sticking to them) is not being weak.
Good luck.
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
I appreciate your advice very much, I have not say yes but my kid a needs his mother, I was out of the bedroom before but three days latter she ask me to come back in the in, I do not know if that can happen again but I hope, the other is that she told me she does not know what she wants or what she feels, she thinks that what I have for her is not love and that she close the door of her heart to love. I will write a little bit more later
Well she is back home, with an attitude like I'm the one who is evil, the one who is wrong,I'm sleeping in a separate room, she said she does not know what she wants, yesterday she ask for forgiveness but an hour later she was back to the same, she does not want me near her, but later on she gave me a hug for almost a minute long, but she insist on not letting go of her relation with this guy, even when she accepts that is wrong, I have being trying to ignore her emotions but it is really hard, I get angry and frustrated, she did say that she can not live with out the feeling of love, the feeling of that she wants to be with me, she does not find anything attractive on me to make her be in love with me, that she has being trying for 8 years and that feeling is not there, but as I mentioned before she said also she does not know what she wants, maybe a dumb question, this can be for women only but I will accept men suggestions also, what can make a man attractive when she knows all my imperfections my weakness everything about me, she wants some changes on me but I do not know if by changing I will see any good results, I'm working on some of the things she mentioned she wants me to change, but it will take time. How can I get rid of this anxiety, help, any good therapist or anything to help me to keep going.
